Coming Clean
hi! By the name of this doc I'm sure you can tell what this is going to be about; I wanted to come clean on some of the things I've done & apologize to those I've hurt. Nothing’s happened to make me do this, it’s just been sitting on my shoulders for quite some time now and I feel like those around me deserve an apology for the way I've acted over the past few months. I’m typing this purely by thought so I apologize if any of my words don't seem coherent or formulated, I just want to explain myself and apologize to the best of my ability. I don’t expect to be forgiven by those I’ve harmed but I hope that this document can at least bring some closure & lead to me changing as a person in the future. Again, I feel exceedingly guilty and I’ve been trying to change and improve, but I’m not sure if I can with this weight on my shoulders. I hope you understand.
Starting off, I feel like a lot of my issues formulated around 2021. I was a very angry, hateful, homophobic & racist individual who was incredibly awful to everyone around me, going through swings of hating people & then wanting to be around them desperately. I enjoyed having people around me but I commonly ran from every single issue I came across. My identity at the time was “avamawe” which I had been using since 2016. It was only around the time I had freshly turned 14 I actually gained a bit of notoriety throughout communities such as The Vast Realm, Epsilon Lineage 1, Critical Expedition, amongst other games I was developing for. During my time in TVR, I was an incredibly hated individual. It mainly started because I was a woman (..you know, average roblox players) but soon gained some warrant as I began to act very transphobic & hateful (just as a note, i am NOT that way anymore.) to others, yelling and screaming at people if they ticked me off. I would shit talk others, spread rumors about them, and overall was just incredibly vindictive. I would abuse people around me, hurt them, lie about them, threaten them, etc etc. I had even scammed some people. This is behavior I look back on with regret. I never liked that side of myself and as I grew older, stepped away from it significantly. I had been in a relationship with someone named Estsuki throughout early 2021-late 2021 and falsely accused him of being a pedophile while he was 15. I hated him due to the messiness of our breakup and that led to me being influenced by someone named Iltria into spreading his pedophile allegations, ruining his life for multiple years. I’ve never forgiven myself for this and hate it. I hate those actions and I worked for 2 years to clear his name, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive myself for doing it to begin with. Shortly after I “called him out” for his allegations, I was doxxed & harassed out of multiple communities by a group of adults. This was a turning point for me because I was obviously scared shitless and didn’t want to cause any further issues after realizing what I had done, so I isolated myself with very few people and got into another community (Hollow Abyss, Epsilon.) It was during this time my increasingly hypersexual nature was revealed. I was INCREDIBLY sexual at a young age due to being groomed numerous times on a lot of boards & art sites so it was my only way to appease people in relationships. People leaked these screenshots of me around and accused me of being a pedophile when I was 14, so I hid away from these communities for a while.
By the time I was 15, I jumped in and out of relationships, unsure of what the proper definition of “love” was. I was groomed midway in 2022 by someone I won’t name, and then got into an abusive relationship directly after, only solidifying all of my bad habits and letting them resurface. I don’t want to use the things that happened to me like grooming as an excuse for the things I’ve done in the past, but I want them to be an explanation as to my sexual nature that has resurfaced multiple times & been used to blackmail me. Again, I’m sorry if this is all messy, I’m just trying to lightly explain myself.
Throughout 2023 my hateful tendencies got even worse and I met someone by the name of Robotic Developer through some drama I had been involved in. To put it lightly, this individual was probably, if not my best friend for a very long time and we stuck with each other through a lot. I’m going to be mentioning them quite a lot throughout this.
I would harass people, attack them & spread rumors about them just based on a simple disdain, making me a highly unlikeable person amongst those I was friends with. Not only this, I was incredibly abusive, yelling and screaming at people I didn’t like, including my partner at the time. I was highly insultive and awful to everyone, treating them like shit if they disagreed with me in the slightest. This was exhibited through awful mood swings & my suicidal ideations, convincing people I’d hurt myself at one moment and then going back and apologizing at the next. It was a horrible loop of me taking out my emotions on everyone around me and I deeply regret it. I improved on it for some time throughout 2024 but relapsed at the end of the year, which I’ll also be speaking about later on.
Robo and I had a falling out during late 2023 and came back together when she was going under a new identity. We decided that the past wouldn’t change us and decided to apologize to each other, and throughout 2024, we were very good friends. I appreciate her for everything she did for me. I know we had a rocky road and I fucked things up, but I don’t think I’d be the person I am had she not been there for me through a lot of the things I did. For many years I hated Iltria (aforementioned person) who turned out to be a pedophile, so I spent a lot of my time copying the way she acted & presented herself in hopes of being better than her & appealing more to everyone around me. I thought the reason she was so loved was BECAUSE of those factors and after being cucked in a relationship for her, I wanted to be like her. I can say that at least it turned out positively, because I learned a lot about myself throughout this time, but I wanted to admit to being a blatant copycat. There isn’t a day where I don’t regret losing myself- I don’t even know who I am sometimes, admittedly.
During 2024 I went through a breakup with my partner and it shattered me. Like, completely broke me. I wasn’t really myself and began a loop of awful actions I’m going to apologize for and admit to here. I am only naming people who were involved because I want this to be a direct apology to them.
Soul/Robo:
Soul and I had a small relationship for a bit throughout this time. During this, I was increasingly suicidal, hurting myself and threatening it against her as if it was willy-nilly. I didn’t understand the effect my actions would have on her, especially because I didn’t hold myself to the highest regard, so I figured a lot of the times she’d blow it off and not care; obviously, this wasn’t the case, and was very selfish of me to figure. I would constantly feel guilty about what I had done to someone named Mala, and would go on and on about it, wanting to hurt myself out of guilt. It was very worrying to her and it was one of the reasons I left her to begin with. I was a massive piece of shit during our small relationship and I regret every bit of it. I feel like I dehumanized her and that’s just downright abusive. I really do fucking regret it, but I know I can’t take that back, especially considering this individual Soul/Robo was literally my best friend for so long, and I can’t believe I fucked things up between us so horribly.
After our breakup, she made a suicide attempt. I talked her out of it but it stuck in my mind for a while, unsure what to think of it. After this, she decided to cut me off & block me for both of our sakes. I understand why she did this, because I obviously fucked up to insane degrees and I greatly regret it. The night of her cutting me off, I was in a call with some friends and had mentioned it to them because I was still pretty fucked up over it.
A mutual friend who I won’t name knew Soul and had apparently also been in a relationship with her for some time, naming off what happened between them just shortly before what happened between me and Soul. They told me that they believed I had been used and we talked about it for a while. This is the night that led me down the months of hate; I was 100% sure she had used me (though, now, it’s clear to me she didn’t) and started hating her.
The next morning, I had found out Soul was venting about what happened to a mutual friend, so I snapped and ended up doing a bunch of shit I regret. I’m going to name those off here in the form of a list;
1: Leaked her identity as Robotic_Developer to multiple individuals/groups out of malicious & hateful intent
2: Spread rumors of her using me to those around me. I will admit, I was 100% certain she had used me off what others had told me and I hated her for it, but failed to realize how hypocritical of me this was. Our relationship was complex at best, which is why I believe I shouldn’t have been such an ass about it. I vented to others a lot about her because I was very hurt & was certain she was spreading rumors about me behind my back.
3: Blocked her everywhere
4: Distanced her between some of her friends
5: Get others to cut her off/block her. This also wasn’t my intent, but was a result of me venting about her a lot.
When she found out, it basically created a small turf-war between us for some time and I do believe all of it was moreso a misunderstanding between us both. I really wish I hadn’t responded the way I had. I was so high and lost in my emotions I became completely delusional and hateful just like I was in 2021, acting out against everyone around me and being a general dick just over a private issue. Soul, I’m genuinely sorry for this. You deserved a lot better than that and I’m sorry I was never a better friend to you, if I could go back and fix that now, I would. But I’m proud of you for what you’ve achieved throughout everything, despite the shit I caused for you. I shouldn’t have ever leaked your identity. I wish I could change that too. I’m so, so fucking sorry. Genuinely. And I know no amount of sorry’s can fix that, but I want you to know I am, from the bottom of my heart. I thought about it for a while and snapped myself out of the delusion that kept me hating you so much. I’m sorry if this explanation is vague, I'm shit at writing stuff like this.
The next person I want to explain & apologize to is Mala. I apologize if this is lengthy, there’s just a lot I have to get off my chest in regards to this relationship, so please hear me out.
Mala:
Me and Mala’s relationship began shortly after I split up with my partner (Eerie.) It wasn’t too long after, and this part of our relationship was very short. We weren’t officially dating or anything, but were definitely flirting a lot.
I felt guilty for this and didn’t want to drag him along with me so I pushed him away. Shortly after this, me and Soul started talking more and that’s what caused our small relationship. I don’t know why I did this, and there’s no excuse. I feel like I killed two birds with one stone ,hurting them both at the same time, and I’m sorry for that. It’s fucked, and there’s no excuse to it.
After Mala found out, he cut me off, which is what was the original spark to my suicidal ideations. Throughout that time, I had been cutting myself, downing pills & making (failed) attempts on my life, on the verge of explosion like a ticking time bomb.
Soul was one of the reasons Mala and I started talking again and he forgave me, which I’m also incredibly thankful to her for. After me and Soul had our falling out, Mala came back, and we talked about everything. This is what sparked our relationship throughout October up to the 7th of November, where I was incredibly abusive & awful to him.
As I mentioned, I was suicidal; instead of handling those feelings like an adult, I forced them onto him, treating him like shit every step of the way. I wouldn’t listen to his attempts to help me, told him he should leave me constantly, pushed him away and closed myself off out of fear. He was also one of the main people I vented a lot about Soul to. At the time, I was still 100% certain she had used me off context clues, which I was quite wrong about. I feel like I mislead them both and I’m sorry for that; I can admit now I fucked up horribly in that regard.
Me and Mala did have a lot of strong moments throughout our relationship but it was my self deprecation and attempts that split us apart. I was nothing but a selfish, pathetic piece of shit, and after talking to some of my friends about it, they agreed I shouldn’t of been in a relationship at the time. So I left him under the pretense of a break at first, wanting to decide what I needed to do outside a relationship. Then, on the 7th, I split things up between us, and we became friends.
I feel so fucking awful I did this, but I feel like it was the mature decision for us both because if I had stayed there with him, I would’ve abused him further and hurt him even more than I could fathom. I didn’t want to do that. I’m sorry Mala. I’m really sorry I treated you that way and I’m sorry our relationship fell off like that. I loved you so fucking much and there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t felt guilty for what I did. I really mean this, I fucked up so hard. I know we don’t share those feelings anymore but I want you to know how much I cared about you throughout everything and how much I hate what I did to you. I never forgave myself and there’s been multiple times throughout the past few months, every day where I think about it. I’m not sure if you’ll ever forgive me, and you don’t have to, but I want you to know I KNOW what I did & how I acted was awful. I’m sorry. And if I ever indirectly lied to you, I really never meant to, I mean it. I didn’t know what was going through me at the time. It’s no excuse though. I’m sorry, I was an abusive piece of shit and there’s no changing that.
A little below month or so after me and Mala’s breakup, I got back with Eerie and this caused the idea of me using Mala in place of Eerie. I just wanted to state this isn’t true. As much as you won’t believe me, and I understand why, that was never my intent and I genuinely just thought you hated me, so I wanted to move on to the best of my ability. Mala had cut me off on the 18th of November and I got into a relationship on the 2nd. I didn’t really know what else to do and it was an awful decision on my end, so I apologize. I never used you Mala and it was never my intent, I don’t want you to think that of me, and I want you to know I’m genuinely sorry for every little thing I’ve done to you and caused for you. Every hardship and every time I made you feel like shit. I hope you’re doing better now and I know you’ll be better from everything I did because you’re a strong, admirable person. I’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart. And I know it’s hard to believe that after the way I acted & disregarded your feelings completely. I was selfish, awful, hateful and completely delusional, but it won’t change how sorry I am now for everything. I hope that one day in the future you’ll be okay from everything I caused. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry mala I really am. I would vent on my priv and it’d make you worried, and when you dmed me to check up on me I’d push you away and tell you to leave me & told you to hate me. I could only imagine how that made you feel and I never realized how abusive that was until a few weeks after everything happened, which is why I left. I didn’t want to hurt you more than I already had. I’m sorry. You helped me make a new identity, a name for myself, pushed me to pursue new projects, and supported me every step of the way. I’m sorry.
There’s a few other people I want to apologize to for my actions.
Salt/Willow:
You were another individual who was incredibly kind to me and supported me throughout my whole identity change. You were kind, understanding and caring, always checking up on me and trying to take care of me. I’m sorry for cutting you off the way I did, I was sure you hated me and started disliking you through it. I’m not sure why I ever treated you the way I did, but I believe it was awful and I’m sorry.
Literally everyone else involved with me at the time:
There was a long period after me and Mala’s breakup where I pushed everyone away, disregarded their advice and hurt them awfully. People like my friend Harmony amongst others are people I would shit talk, yell at and treat like shit. Especially during the time I was on prozac, I turned into an abuser and I’m never going to forgive myself for acting that way. I feel like I fucked up a lot of relationships & friendships just out of desperation and fear, and I promise to never do that again. I’m going to improve from it.
The past few months have been quite awful. As some of you have seen, the breakup of my relationships didn’t stop me from continuing to harm myself. I’m not sure why I did this. I just kind of “lost my mind” for a few months and went off the deep end, constantly trying to hurt myself as a way of punishment. I only truly realized what I’ve done on Dec. 31st, (New Years) while I was drinking. It just hit me like a truck and over the past few days since, I’ve been thinking heavily on everything and decided I wanted to make this document highlighting the awful things I’ve done to people. I feel like there’s more people I’m leaving out, I’m sorry. I’m typing this all out of my mind right now so it’s a complete mess.
2021 was definitely one of my most awful years as I mentioned before. I feel like it was one of the things that ruined me the most and turned me into the person I’ve been over these months. It’s not to say it’s an excuse for anything, but the adults who used me alongside PTSD (Childhood trauma) never helped and contributed a lot to me pushing away many, many friend groups and people who cared for me such as my friend Solar, Nykerios, amongst many others. I hated myself and that hatred turned into selfishness. People like Trinity/Zombie and Senri were also two people I treated like shit and pushed away despite me promising I never would. It caused years worth of misconceptions and awful actions from me, which I only cleared up in the summer of 2024. I would also like to apologize to WhiteWarbler for the way I treated him when he was younger. I cut him off & villainized him when he was about 14-15 and kept up with it for months, taunting him and mocking him even when he was suicidal. This hypocrisy was shown when I saw others doing the same exact things and harassed them for it, despite me doing it as well. I’m sorry.
I feel as if the treatment of my platform (FNB) has been awful as well. I’m not a very good owner, as much as I try, and I feel as if I’ve lost direction over the past few months due to my excessive depression. I feel as if I’ve let everyone around me down and abused my platform to harass & undermine other creators on the platform. For this reason, I’m going to be inactive on twitter & in my community for a while until I get my shit together. I’m sorry to everyone I’ve hurt. I’ve cut off many contributors & friends just over simple mistakes and I don’t deserve to be part of it until I can fix my act.
In general, over the past few years, I’ve found myself to be an incredibly abusive ,vindictive and hateful person who’s gone out of their way to lie and harass others over simple mistakes, create rumors (such as pedophilia) over grudges and hurt people excessively. I don’t want to relapse to being that person. I’ve improved more throughout December but I wanted to come clean about all of this and potentially improve myself from it more because I can’t ever forgive myself for my actions against others until I see I’ve actually improved. I want to move on from all of this and give the others the closure they want. I’m sorry. I didn’t go into detail about a lot of the things mentioned as I feel like it’d be better for privacy reasons, and I don’t want my past to be an excuse for anything I’ve done, but more so an explanation of the way I am because I was also abused. As many people say, sometimes the abused become like their abusers, and I need to stop the cycle before I hurt someone I care about a lot. I’m sorry to everyone. I really am. I’ve let you all down and I can’t let that slide, so as I mentioned before, I’ll be stepping back from social media and such for a bit until I feel comfortable enough to return to my platform. I’ve mistreated it and abused it to hurt others and that’s just unacceptable. I’m sorry to each and every one of you. I hope those I’ve hurt & abused can recover from what I’ve done. My dms will be open for those who need a further explanation / apology from me, as I feel I did an awful job here at putting my actions to justice.
TLDR:
I, ava (@ferretpilled) am an abuser. I’ve lied about people being pedophiles, harassed others, was racist & transphobic when I was younger, created false rumors/lies about people just off grudges, amongst many other things. I am a hypocrite who’s abused her community to attack others and my power to scare people into submission from talking about me. I’m sorry for letting you all down, and I want to apologize for everything I’ve done over the years since I was 13-14. I’m 18 now and I’m going to make sure this won’t ever happen again. And I’m sorry if this document was awful, I wasn’t sure how to formulate any of this. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. Thank you for your support, I love you all.
- Ava/Juno
