JustTweets (April 2015-Sept 2016)
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1
A bread bowl is all well and good but call me when they have a bread spoon! #JustTweets
2
A combination butcher / interior designer is a bad idea on all fronts the most prominent of course is the inevitable 'meat curtains'. #JustTweets
3
A cross between a Pug and a Poodle should be called a Püddle. #JustTweets
4
A free artificial hook for a hand fitting is a Hook Hook Up Hook Up. #JustTweets
5
A la Dragons Den & Shark Tank I would like to see a Chinese version called "Panda Paddock." #JustTweets
6
A lighthouse is basically saying: "You better check yourself before you shipwreck yourself!" #JustTweets
7
A lot of people do not realize that one of the most prolific film makers of all time was Kodak. #JustTweets
8
A lot of people from the Punk Rock scene are getting up there in age... Some may even spend their days in Punk Rocking Chairs. #JustTweets
9
A pediatric pulmonary specialist knows the hottest trends since they really have their fingers on the pulse of todays youth. #JustTweets
10
Addicted to not divulging your name as to fellow members of hacktivist group!? You may need Anonymous Anonymous Anonymous. #JustTweets
11
Adult diapers are easy to find but good luck finding an adult rattle! #JustTweets
12
After 5 bull riders were gored I knew my time as a Rodeo Mime was going to be cut short. #JustTweets
13
After the experiment to make the worlds largest can of @Pringles exploded I had a large chip on my shoulder. #JustTweets
14
Airlines allow 1 piece of luggage per person on a plane so I brought my stubborn little boy. Choose to Carry On My Wayward Son. #JustTweets
15
All the worlds a stage and unfortunately I have stage fright. #JustTweets
16
Aloha means hello, goodbye and most people don't know also means being tickled by an aloe plant. #JustTweets
17
An infinite # of monkeys on typewriters will eventually type the works of Shakespeare. 1000 or so for a Big Bang Theory script.. #JustTweets
18
Are non-Enlish speakers upset that "Pronunciation" is actually kinda hard to pronounce? #JustTweets
19
Are we to believe Zack Morris is a teenage boy who could freeze time & never went into the girls locker room to touch a boob? #JustTweets
20
Are you smarter than a fifth grader is a show that demonstrates that you forget all the useless info you learned in school. #JustTweets
21
As far as I am concerned Thing from 'The Adams Family' is a bit of a terror wrist. #JustTweets
22
As far as I am concerned traditional Irish dancing does not have enough stumbling... #JustTweets
23
Attention Post Apocalyptic Movie Writers! Please have a scene showing a dilapidated "Trump Wall." #JustTweets
24
Back in my day "hackers" lived in jungles and used their machetes to help clear paths for Indiana Jones! #JustTweets
25
Back in my day a 'Snapchat' was talking while playing the card game Snap! #JustTweets
26
Back in my day a wrap battle was when you pretended the cardboard wrapping paper tubes were swords! #JustTweets
27
Back in my day an Apple Watch was when we waited for the apples to ripen so we could pick them and make delicious apple pies. #JustTweets
28
Back in my day 'Bluetooth' was when you ate to many blueberries! #JustTweets
29
Back in my day patches were not for video games but for the elbows of my tweed jackets! #JustTweets
30
Back in the day the big Halloween fear was razor blades in your candy. Today it's peanuts in your candy... #JustTweets
31
Barnum & Bailey has started to replace it's clown with robots AKA Circuits Clowns. #JustTweets
32
Batman villains that did not make the cut: The Stapler, Ultra Lactose Tolerant Man, The De-Ruster and Manatee Girl. #JustTweets
33
Beaver is a slang term for a ladies private parts but now-a-days I think "Naked Mole Rat" would be more accurate... #JustTweets
34
Being a Head Chef in a tribe of cannibals takes on a whole new meaning. #JustTweets
35
Big Bang Theory is like licking a shopping cart. Just take a quick look around and there are thousands of tastier options. #JustTweets
36
Blackboards have slowly been replaced by Whiteboards... and they say racism is getting better! #JustTweets
37
Blacksplotation horror movies always seemed to be vampire related. Why no "Creature from the African American Lagoon" ? #JustTweets
38
Bought myself a Ronco 4000 and I set it but now I can not remember where it is.... #JustTweets
39
Bugs are a source of protein that is more easily sustainable than say beef for example. We may have Mesquite Mosquitoes one day. #JustTweets
40
By my calculations Chuck Black is the gritty reboot of Chalrie Brown that is due to happen in 2018. #JustTweets
41
Call it gender bias but I think men are better at not giving birth to babies... #JustTweets
42
Canadian Movie Remakes: The Green Kilometer, Easy Eh, All The Prime Minister's Men,12 Nice Men, Alvin & the Ketchup Chip-munks. #JustTweets
43
Carrots are the pointy orange vegetables of the vegetable world. #JustTweets
44
Cavemen only lived until they were 20-30 years old BUTnone of that time was spent sitting in traffic!
45
Chocolate covered raisins should just be called 'Raisins' and normal non-chocolate raisins should be called 'Raisinettes.' #JustTweets
46
Comedy Central Roast of Miss Piggy would be delicious. #JustTweets
47
Dead Bait must be a booming business because you never see them having to advertise. #JustTweets"
48
Did you hear about the axe murder who terrorized the North Pole!? Hey loved to Chill-Axe. #JustTweets
49
Did you hear about the remake of "Planes, Trains and Automobiles?" It's called "Drones, Hyperloops and Self Driving Cars." #JustTweets
50
Disney should not care if I pirate a copy of Pirate's of the Caribbean since I am just getting into the spirit of the movie... #JustTweets
51
Do bread boxes even exist anymore? How do we judge the size of things now? #JustTweets
52
Does anyone else find it odd that one of the longest running video games franchises is "Final Fantasy". #JustTweets
53
Don't get high off your own supply. Unless you are a ladder supplier and there is a cat stuck in a tree then come on buddy! #JustTweets
54
Drinking Fountains are all well and good but I am installing an eating fountain! #JustTweets
55
Drunk History was originally "High on Cocaine History" but the episodes were only 47 seconds long. #JustTweets
56
Earth, Fire and Water B&B are much less popular. #JustTweets
57
Eight deadly sins if you count posting one of those FaceBook privacy policy messages... #JustTweets
58
Elevator music was designed to fill the awkward silences of an elevator ride. I have started to play it around my wife..My Wife! #JustTweets
59
Eventually babies will have to sign a disclaimer before they come out just to cover everything. #JustTweets
60
Every call Trump makes is a "Butt Dial." #Politics
61
Failed Board Games: Pick-Up Radioactive Rods, Newborn Baby Jenga, Mouse Genetic Engineering, Anorexic Bulimic Hippos. #JustTweets
62
Filming of the newest King Kong reboot has been delayed due to kidney boulders. #JustTweets
63
Food inspectors had reports of people leaving beef out of the fridge at an australian themede resteraunt so they had an Outback Steak House Steak Out Steakout. #JustTweets
64
From General Mills I love Cheerios. From Specific Mills I love whole grain oats cooked and shaped into the letter 'O'. #JustTweets
65
Frosty must have been upset when he realized what a "Snow Blower" actually is... #JustTweets
66
Gatorade was invented in the Everglades when a Grenade blew up an Aligoator... They changed the formula a bit over the years. #JustTweets
67
Golfers bring Golf Clubs to Golf Clubs which is why I had to stop playing... #JustTweets
68
Gross Pickup Line 42-BCX1 = Are you a shy girl because the meek shall inherit my girth!? #JustTweets
69
Gross Pickup Line 44B-X6: When I see you, my dick is like the plot of a murder mystery as it ramps up. It thickens. #JustTweets
70
Growing up we were so poor we couldn't afford Cotton Candy and had to settle for Polyester. #JustTweets
71
Has anyone ever needed to purchase such a wide variety of buckets that they made a literal "bucket list"? #JustTweets
72
Have you heard about the worlds largest brooms!? They are sweeping the nation... #JustTweets
73
Have you heard about this new hypnotist reality show? "So you think you can trance?" #JustTweets
74
He may be the Cake Boss but he still puts his cake pants on one leg at a time... #JustTweets
75
Head & Shoulders is great shampoo and all but what about my knees and toes!? #JustTweets
76
I accidentally bought 'Astral-Glide' and ended up jizzing myself into a plane of pure consciousness. #JustTweets
77
I almost hope the Chevy Bolt ends up being a piece of crap so that a reviewer can write: "Buy the Bolt and Get Screwed" #JustTweets
78
I always feel like something traumatic is going to happen. PTSD (Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder) #JustTweets
79
I am a Canadian so of course I am upset about the recent hike in my dog sled and igloo insurance. #JustTweets
80
I am a huge Star War fan! I love Dark Vader, Hand Solo, Chumbawamba, Yoba, Robert Fett, and especially Jar Jar Binks. #JustTweets
81
I am disappointed that the APA Dictionary of Psychology does not yet even recognize "Wrestlemania." #JustTweets
82
I am expanding my line of candy canes to also include candy crutches and walkers. #JustTweets
83
I am getting into the family business. And by that I mean human trafficking entire families. #JustTweets
84
I am getting into the knock-off candy biz with my 'Werther's Unoriginals." #JustTweets
85
I am going to open a winery called "Planet of the Grapes." #JustTweets
86
I am honestly not sure if they should allow indoor skiing in the summer Olympics.... I will say I think it's a slippery slope. #JustTweets
87
I am making a golf movie with Tiger Woods and Bugs Bunny called "Space Marmalade." #JustTweets
88
I am medium school and my go to info source is Wikipedia Britannica. #JustTweets
89
I am medium school in that I have a hands free telegraph. #JustTweets
90
I am not a detective but I think whoever started the phrase" Off The Chain" may know who let the dogs out... #JustTweets
91
I am not an "Animal Person" but maybe its just because I was not born on the island of Doctor Moreau... #JustTweets
92
I am opening a strip club targeted to roosters called "Chicken Strips." #JustTweets
93
I am opening the worlds first pushed pork sandwich shop called "Push it Squeal Good" #JustTweets
94
I am opening the worlds largest dance hall. I call it "The Elbow Room." #JustTweets
95
I am pacifist in that I will 'pass a fist' through your orbital socket if you piss me off. #JustTweets
96
I am really starting to get into House music. The front door is my favorite. #JustTweets
97
I am so cheap that if my wife went on a spree I would prefer killing to shopping! #JustTweets
98
I am so rich I get the most private of private jets. Not even the pilot is allowed on! #JustTweets
99
I am so tough I don't need to gang up in fact sometiems I gang down just to make it a little more even. #JustTweets
100
I am taking a vow of silence. I am then giving it to various people in my life. #JustTweets
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