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After a stingray barb fatally pierces your chest, you will be fondly remembered by your millions of fans.
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As the Buddha said, "All we are is of the result of we are the thought."
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Bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.
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Be wary of the man who will propose to your daughter. Specifically, check beneath his trenchcoat to make sure he isn't a writhing mass of thousands of spiders.
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Check your underwear the next time you fart. A surprise awaits you.
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Congratulations! You've received the one millionth fortune! Click here to claim your prize.
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Fuck you.
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If you're looking for a reason not to commit suicide, you will not find it in this fortune cookie.What
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I'm you from 14 years in the future. I've risked everything to send you this message. Don't
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In a thousand years, none of this shit will matter.
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It's time to lower your standards.
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It's too late to stop climate change.
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Life Hack: If you give up on your dreams, you can just play videogames all day.
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Nothing will ever feel as good as drugs.
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Pro Tip: Having sex with you boss is a great way to get a promotion.
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Pro Tip: Just because a person's dead doesn't mean you can't have sex with them.
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Remember: You lose nothing by asking for help, except your dignity and the respect of your peers.
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Tears are the urine of our eye penises.
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There are 400,000 species of beetle. Why can't you give your mother a call?
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Today, you will meet the love of your life. Or maybe not. I'm just a cookie.
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War is never the solution, unless you want other people's land and resources.
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When Morgan Freeman dies, you will remember this cookie.
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You are smart enough to recognize how shitty the world is, but not smart enough to do anything about it.
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You'd be surprised by how good you are at killing people.
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You have to warn them before it's too late! They're going to fly two planes into the World Trade Center!
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You're perfect just the way you are. Maybe a nose job.
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Your next shit is going to be a total monster.
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Your wildest dreams will come true, assuming those dreams are about the extinction of honeybees.
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You should pursue your dreams. Unless you don't have what it takes, in which case don't bother.
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You will die at an Arby's in Columbus, Ohio.
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You will probably die of a heart attack or something.
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You will start a shitty podcast.
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You will find great success and personal fulfilment by joining ISIS
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Confucius say: Racist caricatures no loner socially acceptable
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I want you to really taste me
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