"Thanks for bringing us a mosquito larva. Hope you aren't feeling like you've betrayed your own kind."

"Hey! That is super offensive!"

"Well, don't get any ideas about taking revenge. We've been chugging bitter apple, so I guarantee our blood tastes terrible."

"We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. I'm sure he'd reward you if you took care of it for him. Plus, y'know, free lunch!"

"You're talking about the rats, aren't you."

"The owner of the Typical Tavern is still bugging us about his rat problems. Perhaps you could help him? Just don't drink his blood."

"I'm not going to drink his blood!"

"Unfortunately, there are no more tasks required of you by the Council at this time. Blah! Blah!"

"That's not funny," you grumble.

Return later, when you are more experienced.

"The Council requires another task of you, Adventurer. You must slay the Boss Bat. He can be found in the deepest part of the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. Slay him, and return to us with proof of your conquest."

"I feel kind of weird about you sending me out to kill a giant bat," you say.

"Why? If you were a regular human and we sent you out to kill a human bandit, that wouldn't be weird, right?"

"Well done! You have slain the Boss Bat!"

"Actually, it was some crazy musclehead with a whip," you say. "He tried to kill me, too!"

"Ah, well, you'll get used to that. Comes with the territory, pretty much."

"We've gotten word, Adventurer, that the Knob Goblins, who normally keep to themselves over at Cobb's Knob, are planning a major military action against Seaside Town. We need for you to go deep into the Knob, and nip this problem in the bud, so to speak, by neutralizing the Goblin King."

"By 'neutralize' you mean kill, right?" you ask.

"Yeah, probably. Or drink his blood, or make him your cursed thrall, or whatever."

"Wait, I can do that?"

"Anyway, our spies have determined that there is a secret entrance that will allow you to access the inside of the Knob. They recovered this map, but nobody knows how to read it. You'll need to figure out how to decrypt the symbols on it if you're going to find that entrance."

"We still need you to neutralize the Goblin King, Adventurer! I imagine goblin blood probably tastes weird, but you can still stab him or something."

"Thank you for slaying the Goblin King, Adventurer. I don't need to know the grisly details."

"There aren't any," you say. "Another one of those whip guys killed him before I got there and ambushed me."

"Hmm. See if you can get his business card next time, they sound like they're pretty good at this stuff."

"The Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having a problem -- one of the experiments has gone awry, and fey creatures have invaded their grove. Please, Adventurer, lend them your assistance."

"Wait," you say, "are they, like, church friars? Priests?"

"Yeah. Why?" asks the Councilor. "...Oh, right. Holy symbols."

"Yeah. Well, plus just generally they probably won't like me?"

"I wouldn't worry about it, these guys are basically non-denominational. And you'll be helping them become non-demoninational. Ha ha."

"The Deep Fat Friars still require your assistance. You can find them in the Distant Woods. Don't drink their blood."

"Hey, so, we've got another job for you. It's, uh... well, there's good news and there's bad news."

"What's the good news?" you ask.

"It's in a crypt. Specifically, the Cyrpt near the Misspelled Cemetary in the Nearby Plains. You like crypts, right?"

"I feel like I should be annoyed by this, but honestly yeah, crypts are pretty cool. What's the bad news?"

"It's way too spooky and evil in there, and we need you to make it less evil." The Councillor shrugs. "Sorry about that."

"...Look, I'm not evil. Do you not get that?"

"Well, that's just what a vampire would say, isn't it?"

"I'm not sure that's true!"

"Anyway, here's a gizmo we've got for detecting evil things. You might have to turn the gain down so it doesn't just detect you all the time."

"The Spookiness still emanates from the Cyrpt, Adventurer. See if you can find and destroy the source, and bring us back proof of your conquest. Unless that source is you?"

"It's not me, dammit!"

"So the Bonerdagon was up to its old tricks, eh? We figured that was probably the case, but we like to leave it as a surprise. Thanks for taking care of it for us."

"Well, again, it was actually killed by an angry vampire hunter that was waiting for me," you say. "Do you know anything about these Belmont guys?"

"Mmm... nope, never heard of 'em."

"There's a whole family of them after me! This one said the first one was his great-great-grandfather, but that guy couldn't have been any older than like thirty when I fought him, and that was only a day or so ago!"

"Oh yeah, you'll get that. The Kingdom's in kind of a time... thing. One of our science guys tried to explain it to me once, but he gave up real fast. Anyway, I'm sure you can handle a few vampire hunters. Just take it as a mark of pride that someone thought you were so dangerous they had to send their entire family line after you forever."

"That doesn't really make me feel better!"

"Adventurer! We've received an urgent letter from the Trapper, requesting our assistance. He didn't say what it was about, but it's probably some kind of monster. It usually is. He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big Mountains. Don't--"

"I won't drink his blood! Jeez!"

"How's it going with the Trapper's deal?"

"I'm still working on it," you say. "It's really cold up there!"

"Really? I mean, yeah, obviously -- but I wouldn't have expected that to affect a vampire."

"Well, like... I guess I don't have to worry about my toes dying and falling off, but I could still just freeze solid, you know?"

"Oh good, there you are. We've gotten a message from Black Angus, one of the Kingdom's minor nobles. A baron or a count or something? I forget. He wants some kind of poorly-explained help."

"A count, huh?" you ask. "Does that make us equals?"

"I am pretty sure being a vampire doesn't automatically make you a count."

"Anyway, I'll mark his place on your map. You'll have to cross the Orc Chasm -- oh, unless you can turn into a swarm of bats or something?"

"Well, I maybe can, but sadly it's not as useful as you might think."