Kendel's Ultimate TED Database
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TitlePresenterURLLife-Changing/Awareness PotentialTopicsSummaryKey pointsFavorite quotesFull Quotes/Notes URL
On Being WrongKathryn Schulz of 5Humility, Wonder, Relationships, Learning, Pyschology, AwarenessBlindness about our tendency for error causes us to walk around in self-made protective bubble that not only perpetuates problems but separates us from the beauty of our own humanity.-At every moment, there are an innumerable number of things we are wrong about. Our tendency is not to be able to see it. We feel like we're right. [Ergo, distrust this feeling--assume there are things you don't know]
-Always entertain the possibility that you could be spectacularly wrong--there is nothing wrong about you! It is part of being human.
-To protect our own sense of rightness, We make three unfortunate assumptions about people who differ: they are ignorant, stupid, or malevolent.
2:20 “most of us do everything we can to avoid thinking about being wrong, or at least to avoid thinking about the possibility that we ourselves are wrong. We get it in the abstract. We all know everybody in this room makes mistakes. The human species, in general, is fallible -- okay fine.
But when it comes down to me, right now, to all the beliefs I hold, here in the present tense, suddenly all of this abstract appreciation of fallibility goes out the window -- and I can't actually think of anything I'm wrong about… So effectively, we all kind of wind up traveling through life, trapped in this little bubble of feeling very right about everything.”
3:34 “I want to convince you that it is possible to step outside of that feeling and that if you can do so, it is the single greatest moral, intellectual and creative leap you can make.”
6:22-8:10: “by the time you are nine years old, you’ve already learned, first of all, that people who get stuff wrong are lazy, irresponsible dimwits – and second of all, that the way to succeed in life is to never make any mistakes… getting something wrong means there’s something wrong with us. So we just insist that we’re right, because it makes us feel smart and responsible… and safe.”
*****9:54-11:30 “Think for a moment about what it means to feel right. It means that you think that your beliefs just perfectly reflect reality. And when you feel that way, you've got a problem to solve, which is, how are you going to explain all of those people who disagree with you? It turns out, most of us explain those people the same way, by resorting to a series of unfortunate assumptions. The first thing we usually do when someone disagrees with us is we just assume they're ignorant. They don't have access to the same information that we do, and when we generously share that information with them, they're going to see the light and come on over to our team. When that doesn't work, when it turns out those people have all the same facts that we do and they still disagree with us, then we move on to a second assumption, which is that they're idiots. (Laughter) They have all the right pieces of the puzzle, and they are too moronic to put them together correctly. And when that doesn't work, when it turns out that people who disagree with us have all the same facts we do and are actually pretty smart, then we move on to a third assumption: they know the truth, and they are deliberately distorting it for their own malevolent purposes. So this is a catastrophe. This attachment to our own rightness keeps us from preventing mistakes when we absolutely need to and causes us to treat each other terribly.”
11:39“we want to imagine that our minds are just these perfectly translucent windows and we just gaze out of them and describe the world as it unfolds. And we want everybody else to gaze out of the same window and see the exact same thing. That is not true, and if it were, life would be incredibly boring.”
17 minutes: “if you really want to rediscover wonder, you need to step outside of that tiny, terrified space of rightness and look around at each other and look out at the vastness and complexity and mystery of the universe and be able to say, “Wow, I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong.”
Weird? Or Just DifferentDerek Sivers of 5World Peacelet's never forget: whatever brilliant ideas you have or hear, that the opposite may also be true.-True, the 'utility' of different ways may justly be argued (and of course, no serious person argues for true relativism), but within a LARGE realm of things, we would further the cause of good in the world more if we appreciated and learned from differences rather than judging that our way is superior.1:32 I love that sometimes we need to go to the opposite side of the world to realize assumptions we didn't even know we had, and realize that the opposite of them may also be true.
There are doctors in China that charge you when you are healthy and don't get paid when you are sick... because they failed at their job. "They get rich when you're healthy, not sick."
2:20 "let's never forget, whether at TED, or anywhere else, that whatever brilliant ideas you have or hear, that the opposite may also be true."
The Power of VulnerabilityBrene Brown 5 of 5Shame, authenticity, connection, relationshipsDo you want to have rich, worthwhile relationships? You have to connect with others. The way to connect is be vulnerable. So authentic that you're 'deeply seen'.To be passionate or invested in something or someone... is to be vulnerable
See quotes
3:25: “Connection is why we’re here. It is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”
4:45: “Shame is understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, then I won’t be worthy of connection?”
5:25 In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen—really seen.
7:10: There was only one variable that separated people who had a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was that the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging. That’s it.
***8:50 Courage—to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart—these folks had very simply the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves… we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. They… had connection… as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were…. Which, you have to absolutely do that for connection. 9:40
15:25 One of the ways we deal with our world is we numb vulnerability… we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is – and I learned this from the research – that you cannot selectively numb emotion… You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle. 16:48
18 minutes “Our job is to look and say, “You know what? You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” That’s our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we’ll end the problems I think that we see today.”
19 “I’ll leave you with this. This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee – and that’s really hard”
The Surprising Science of HappinessDan Gilbert of 5Happiness, Self-Awareness, AdvertisingHappiness is largely synthetic. That is, we naturally process the world and our condition/position in it in a self-serving way so we can feel better about it. The big idea? We have within us the capacity to *manufacter* happiness!-we can simulate future experience, but this simulator is often faulty. Iimpact bias: we wrongly estimate the impact of certain good and bad things happening on our happiness.
-Our society nudges us to believe that synthetic happiness is inferior to material happiness--else how else can they keep selling us so much stuff?
-Sometimes we are happiest when our choices are bounded
3:31From field studies to laboratory studies, we see that winning or losing an election, gaining or losing a romantic partner, getting or not getting a promotion, passing or not passing a college test, on and on, have far less impact, less intensity and much less duration than people expect them to have. This almost floors me -- a recent study showing how major life traumas affect people suggests that if it happened over three months ago, with only a few exceptions, it has no impact whatsoever on your happiness.
7:39 There's something important to be learned from these people[who lost it all and said "I'm better off for it"], and it is the secret of happiness.Here it is, finally to be revealed. First: accrue wealth, power, and prestige, then lose it. Second: spend as much of your life in prison as you possibly can. Third: make somebody else really, really rich. And finally: never ever join the Beatles. 8:04 OK. Now I, like Ze Frank, can predict your next thought, which is, "Yeah, right." Because when people synthesize happiness, as these gentlemen seem to have done, we all smile at them, but we kind of roll our eyes and say, "Yeah right, you never really wanted the job." "Oh yeah, right. You really didn't have that much in common with her, and you figured that out just about the time she threw the engagement ring in your face." 8:30 We smirk because we believe that synthetic happiness is not of the same quality as what we might call "natural happiness." What are these terms? Natural happiness is what we get when we get what we wanted, and synthetic happiness is what we make when we don't get what we wanted. And in our society, we have a strong belief that synthetic happiness is of an inferior kind. Why do we have that belief? Well, it's very simple. What kind of economic engine would keep churning if we believed that not getting what we want could make us just as happy as getting it? 9:07 With all apologies to my friend Matthieu Ricard, a shopping mall full of Zen monks is not going to be particularly profitable, because they don't want stuff enough.
The New Era of Positive PsychologyMartin Seligman of 5Happiness, Gratitude-Authentic happiness comes from 3 area: meaning, flow, pleasure (the last one only adds if you have the first two)
-3 activities to increase happiness: write a 300-word testimonial and read it to someone you have not thanked. #2. Participate in date that uses your signature strengths #3, Design a beautiful day.
"positive emotion habituates. It habituates rapidly, indeed. It’s all like French vanilla ice cream, the first taste is a 100 percent; by the time you’re down to the sixth taste, it’s gone”
13:35 Pleasure has raw feel… during flow, you can’t feel anything. You’re one with the music. Time stops… and we think there’s a recipe for it. It’s knowing what your highest strengths are. And again, there’s a valid test of what your five highest strengths are. And then re-crafting your life to use them as much as you possibly can. Re-crafting your work, your love, your play, your friendship, your parenting. 14:20
Gratitude visit. I want you all to do this with me now, if you would. Close your eyes. I'd like you to remember someone who did something enormously important that changed your life in a good direction, and who you never properly thanked. The person has to be alive. OK. Now, OK, you can open your eyes. I hope all of you have such a person. Your assignment, when you're learning the gratitude visit, is to write a 300-word testimonial to that person, call them on the phone in Phoenix, ask if you can visit, don't tell them why, show up at their door, you read the testimonial -- everyone weeps when this happens. And what happens is when we test people one week later, a month later, three months later, they're both happier and less depressed.
20 minutes
“It turns out the pursuit of pleasure has almost no contribution to life satisfaction. The pursuit of meaning is the strongest. The pursuit of engagement is also very strong. Where pleasure matters is if you have both engagement and you have meaning, then pleasure’s the whipped cream and the cherry. Which is to say, the full life – the sum is greater than the parts, if you’ve got all three. Conversely, if you have none of the three, the empty life, the sum is less than the parts.”
The Happy Secret to Better WorkShawn Achor of 5Happiness, Gratitude, FunnyTraining your brain to be more positive enables us to be work harder, faster, and more intelligently-We think our external world determines our happiness... but 90% is actually how your brain processes the world.
-As a society, we 'push' happiness into an ever-moving, elusive area called 'success'--which we never get to, because once we do, we move the goalpost higher.
"Shawn, why do you waste your time studying happiness at Harvard? Seriously, what does a Harvard student possibly have to be unhappy about?"
Embedded within that question is the key to understanding the science of happiness. Because what that question assumes is that our external world is predictive of our happiness levels, when in reality, if I know everything about your external world, I can only predict 10 percent of your long-term happiness. 90 percent of your long-term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world. And if we change it, if we change our formula for happiness and success, what we can do is change the way that we can then affect reality. What we found is that only 25 percent of job successes are predicted by I.Q. 75 percent of job successes are predicted by your optimism levels, your social support and your ability to see stress as a challenge instead of as a threat."
"most companies and schools follow a formula for success, which is this:If I work harder, I'll be more successful. And if I'm more successful, then I'll be happier. That undergirds most of our parenting styles, our managing styles, the way that we motivate our behavior.
And the problem is it's scientifically broken and backwards for two reasons. First, every time your brain has a success, you just changed the goalpost of what success looked like. You got good grades, now you have to get better grades, you got into a good school and after you get into a better school, you got a good job, now you have to get a better job, you hit your sales target, we're going to change your sales target. And if happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there. What we've done is we've pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon as a society. And that's because we think we have to be successful, then we'll be happier."
The Moral Roots of Liberals and ConservativesJonathan Haidt of 5Politics, Understanding, Unity, Appreciation, InsightInstead of dismissing others for not being reasonable and seeing things as you do, step out and say "everyone has reasons for what they do". People's sense of morality is motivated from 5 areas: 1. Harm/care. 2. Fairness/reciprocity. 3. Ingroup/loyalty. 4. Authority/respect. 5. Purity/sanctity- We all think we are right. Understanding that reasoning is more helpful than denouncing the other as wrong.
- Both conservatives and liberals bring something precious to the table
"you can't just go charging in, saying, "You're wrong, and I'm right." Because, as we just heard, everybody thinks they are right. A lot of the problems we have to solve are problems that require us to change other people. And if you want to change other people, a much better way to do it is to first understand who we are -- understand our moral psychology, understand that we all think we're right -- and then step out, even if it's just for a moment, step out -- check in with Seng-ts'an. Step out of the moral matrix, just try to see it as a struggle playing out, in which everybody does think they're right, and everybody, at least, has some reasons -- even if you disagree with them -- everybody has some reasons for what they're doing. Step out. And if you do that, that's the essential move to cultivate moral humility, to get yourself out of this self-righteousness, which is the normal human condition. Think about the Dalai Lama. Think about the enormous moral authority of the Dalai Lama -- and it comes from his moral humility."
Tribal LeadershipDavid Logan of 5LeadershipWe're all members of tribes. There seems to be a natural progression of them. It starts with a 'life sucks' attitude with a "Life is great" mentality at the top. How people see the world, so they behave.Stage 1: "Despairing hostility"--life sucks. Stage 2: Apathetic victim: "my life sucks" Stage 3 "Lone Warrior--I'm great, and you're not." Stage 4: Tribal Pride "We're great, and they're not". Stage 5: Innocent wonderment.
Our Loss of WisdomBarry Schwartz of 5Character, bueracracy, teaching, parenting, leadershipIn trying to fix errors, beware that relying too heavily on rules or incentives demoralizes behavior.-Giving people an incentive to do something inherently right cues us to act selfishly-"what serves my interest?" (incentive is not enough for a sacrifice that we would do if cued to our benificence).
-Celebrate moral exemplars
-There is no rule that can substitute experience and empathy
-There is a struggle between reliance on rules/preventing disaster & empowering people to exercise personal wisdom--and tolerate inevitable errors. Control vs development
-4 Mins: "Real-world problems are often ambiguous and ill-defined and the context is always changing. A wise person is like a jazz musician -- using the notes on the page, but dancing around them,inventing combinations that are appropriate for the situation and the people at hand. A wise person knows how to use these moral skills in the service of the right aims"
7 mins: " the welfare workers and the ambulance people and the judge all said the same thing: "We hate to do it but we have to follow procedure. How do things like this happen? Scott Simon, who told this story on NPR, said, "'Rules and procedures may be dumb, but they spare you from thinking.'"
9:50 "Scripts like these are insurance policies against disaster.... but what they assure in its place is mediocrity"
12:39 "The truth is that there are no incentives that you can devise that are ever going to be smart enough. Any incentive system can be subverted by bad will. We need incentives. People have to make a living. But excessive reliance on incentives demoralizes professional activity in two senses of that word. It causes people who engage in that activity to lose morale and it causes the activity itself to lose morality."
The Walk from No to YesWilliam Ury of 5 Mediation, World Peace, CommunicationsThe key to peace is seeing things from the third side, and seeing us as a shared community, tasked with helping all of us rediscover our common roots."go to the balcony" 9:15Today we face the scourge of terrorism. What is terrorism? Terrorism is basically taking an innocent stranger and treating them as an enemy whom you kill in order to create fear. What's the opposite of terrorism? It's taking an innocent stranger and treating them as a friend whom you welcome into your home in order to sow and create understanding, or respect, or love.
walking has a real power. You know, as an anthropologist, walking is what made us human. Walking, it's funny, when you walk, you walk side-by-side in the same common direction. Now if I were to come to you face-to-faceand come this close to you, you would feel threatened. But if I walk shoulder-to-shoulder, even touching shoulders, it's no problem. Who fights while they walk? That's why in negotiations, often, when things get tough, people go for walks in the woods.
16:20If you had been in the ruins of, say, London in 1945, or Berlin, and you had said, "Sixty years from now, this is going to be the most peaceful, prosperous part of the planet,"people would have thought you were certifiably insane. But they did it thanks to a common identity...
So let me conclude then by saying that in the last 35 years, as I've worked in some of the most dangerous, difficult and intractable conflicts around the planet, I have yet to see one conflict that I felt could not be transformed. It's not easy, of course, but it's possible. It was done in South Africa. It was done in Northern Ireland. It could be done anywhere. It simply depends on us. It depends on us taking the third side. So let me invite you to consider taking the third side, even as a very small step.
18 the secret to peace is the third side. The third side is us. Each of us, with a single step, can take the world, can bring the world a step closer to peace. There's an old African proverb that goes: "When spider webs unite, they can halt even the lion." If we're able to unite our third-side webs of peace, we can even halt the lion of war.
Resolving the Heart of ConflictJames Ferrell of 5Relationships, LeadershipOur hearts are naturally disposed to find advantage in conflict. And unless and until we can get ourselves out from under this need--this need to feel justified in seeing others as less than ourselves as objects, there is no way to resolve conflicts (11:50)We like the conflicts we're in.
We want something deeper than what we say we want: justification
We can see others as equal to us (same hopes and dreams that are as legitimate as mine) or objects (scenery/obstacles: they don't matter like I do)
--it matters how we see people: depending on how we regard them, we either invite collaboration or resistance.
Being 'in the box' wastes creative energy that should be spent on furthering the mission of the organization or family "Our enemies are perfect for each other. Each of us gives the other reason to never have to change." (11:10)
6:40 "When we have a need to be justified, we actually value problems more than we value solutions and we value conflict over peace"
7:30: " Let’s say I come across a piece of
information that will be very helpful to me. Let’s say that I also
know it would be helpful to a particular coworker but that I choose not to share the information with him. Instead, I keep it
for myself. In choosing not to share this helpful information with my
coworker, consider how I will be likely to view him. The worse I
can view him to be, the more justified I will feel in keeping the
information from him. So I begin to view him more critically
than I otherwise would. His faults become inflated in my mind. I
have an incentive now to see him as a threat or a malingerer or
an incompetent, and so on. I need to view him badly in order to
be justified for treating him badly!
... I'm seeing who I need to see in order to justify me"
9:10: "What's the impact on Jeff? What I am giving to Jeff is all kinds of reason to see me as mean, selfish, difficult to work with... I actually invite Jeff to do things that I don't like, which sounds like insanity unless we understand what is driving beneath the surface... which is, I have this deep need to be justified"
11:17 "We mistreat them, which drives them to mistreat us and then we can point THAT out and say 'See! We're not making this up! They're just as bad as we said! And so we complain about the suffering we have, and yet we're blind to is we value the innocence we find in that suffering and we continue to perpetuate it"
14:30 "We have felt we have needed to see each other as objects in order to survive but the truth is that our seeing each other as objects is what has put our survival at risk"
14:56, story that will change your life
"Change Anything! Use Skillpower over Willpower"Al Switzler of 5ChangeSuccess in changing behavior is more about willpower. Success in behavior change comes from 6 sources of influence-A common error of thinking is the "willpower trap"
Instead, 1. Identify your crucial moments, 2. Create vital behaviors, 3. Engage all 6 sources of influence to "pull on your side" 4. Turn 'bad days' into "good data"
We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open upAsh Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up of 5Relationships, ConversationA closet is no place for a person to live. Have hard conversations, and meet people where they are at1. Be authentic.. Be ready to Take the armor off.. They gotta know that you bleed too.
2. Be direct.. Just say it.. Do not give them the sense of false hope.
3. Be unapologetic.. You are speaking your truth, never apologize for that..
--Some may be disappointed, but that is on them, not you.
****6:24And I had a choice in that moment, as all grenade throwers do. I could go back to my girlfriend and my gay-loving table and mock their responses, chastise their unworldliness and their inability to jump through the politically correct gay hoops I had brought with me, or I could empathize with them and realize that that was maybe one of the hardest things they had ever done, that starting and having that conversation was them coming out of their closets. Sure, it would have been easy to point out where they felt short. It's a lot harder to meet them where they are and acknowledge the fact that they were trying. And what else can you ask someone to do but try? If you're going to be real with someone, you gotta be ready for real in return.
4 Pillars of College Success in ScienceFreeman Hrabowski 4 of 5Justice, Education, Teaching, Learning, MindsetThrough high expectations, strong community, quality reseachers and personally involved mentors, Students can be empowered to take personal ownership of their education and succeed8:15 Smart simply means you're ready to learn. You're excited about learning and you want to ask good questions. I. I. Rabi, a Nobel laureate, said that when he was growing up in New York, all of his friends' parents would ask them "What did you learn in school?" at the end of a day. And he said, in contrast, his Jewish mother would say, "Izzy, did you ask a good question today?" And so high expectations have to do with curiosity and encouraging young people to be curious.
14:21Aristotle said, "Excellence is never an accident. It is the result of high intention, sincere effort and intelligent execution. It represents the wisest option among many alternatives." And then he said something that gives me goosebumps. He said, "Choice, not chance, determines your destiny." Choice, not chance, determines your destiny, dreams and values.
For Parents, Happiness is a Very High BarKelly McGonigal of 5Health, RelationshipsOur belief about stress strongly influences our health and performance-reconditioning your mind to view stress as helpful--your body helping you 'prep' for something courageous (that you may want to reach out to others and not face alone) completely mitigates the negative side effects of stress in our lives.2:35
believing stress is bad for you the 15th largest cause of death in the United States last year, killing more people than skin cancer, HIV/AIDS and homicide.
Can changing how you think about stress make you healthier? And here the science says yes. When you change your mind about stress, you can change your body's response to stress.
the next time your heart is pounding from stress, you're going to remember this talk and you're going to think to yourself, this is my body helping me rise to this challenge. And when you view stress in that way, your body believes you,and your stress response becomes healthier.
the harmful effects of stress on your health are not inevitable. How you think and how you act can transform your experience of stress. When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. And when you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience....(13) when you choose to view stress in this way, you're not just getting better at stress, you're actually making a pretty profound statement. You're saying that you can trust yourself to handle life's challenges. And you're remembering that you don't have to face them alone.
chasing meaning is better for your health than trying to avoid discomfort. And so I would say that's really the best way to make decisions, is go after what it is that creates meaning in your life and then trust yourself to handle the stress that follows.
Are we in control of our Decisions?Dan Ariely of 5Perception, Human Nature, Self-AwarenessWe think we are beautifully rational, but in reality we have very real cognitive limitations--be aware of your tendency to be mentally against complexity.-Making a decision is often so taxing, we will sometimes accept absurd results (because they are the default) just to avoid making a decision.
-We don't understand our own preferences that well.
7:21Now think about what this means. We wake up in the morning and we feel we make decisions. We wake up in the morning and we open the closet and we feel that we decide what to wear. And we open the refrigerator and we feel that we decide what to eat. What this is actually saying is that much of these decisions are not residing within us. They are residing in the person who is designing that form. When you walk into the DMV, the person who designed the form will have a huge influence on what you'll end up doing. Now it's also very hard to intuit these results. Think about it for yourself. How many of you believe that if you went to renew your license tomorrow, and you went to the DMV, and you would encounter one of these forms, that it would actually change your own behavior? Very, very hard to think that you will influence us. We can say, "Oh, these funny Europeans, of course it would influence them."But when it comes to us, we have such a feeling that we are at the driver's seat, we have such a feeling that we are in control, and we are making the decision, that it's very hard to even accept the idea that we actually have an illusion of making a decision, rather than an actual decision.
9:12-11 minutes: The story of doctors letting patients go to hip replacement over trying two easy drugs.
14 minutesThe general idea here, by the way, is that we actually don't know our preferences that well. And because we don't know our preferences that well we're susceptible to all of these influences from the external forces: the defaults, the particular options that are presented to us, and so on.
Why We Make Bad DecisionsDan Gilbert of 5Self-Awareness, HappinessOur brain makes snap judgments, not based off of analyzing a full view of something, but rather takes "shortcuts" based on *available* information.- We vastly misjudge the actual probability of certain dangers actually causing us harm.
- We tend to misjudge what something is worth, and how much pleasure/enjoyment it will give us.
"We underestimate the odds of future pain and overestimate the value of present pleasures."
"It is notoriously difficult to get people to be farsighted."
For Parents, Happiness is a Very High BarJennifer Senior of 5Parenting, ExpectationsInstead of focusing on "building self esteem" or "ensuring our kids be happy" we should focus on making productive kidsand moral kids, and to simply hope that happiness will come to them by virtue of the good that they doand their accomplishments and the love that they feel from us.-children have evolved from economically essential... to economically worthless but emotionally priceless09:07
So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles as mothers and fathers. Now add to this problem something else: we are also navigating new roles as husbands and wives because most women today are in the workforce. This is another reason, I think, that parenthood feels like a crisis. We have no rules, no scripts, no norms for what to do when a child comes along now that both mom and dad are breadwinners. The writer Michael Lewis once put this very, very well. He said that the surest way for a couple to start fighting is for them to go out to dinner with another couple whose division of labor is ever so slightly different from theirs, because the conversation in the car on the way home goes something like this: "So, did you catch that Dave is the one who walks them to school every morning?" (Laughter) Without scripts telling us who does what in this brave new world, couples fight, and both mothers and fathers each have their legitimate gripes.
In this age of intense confusion, there is just one goal upon which all parents can agree, and that is whether they are tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones, our kids' happiness is paramount. That is what it means to raise kids in an age when they are economically worthless but emotionally priceless. We are all the custodians of their self-esteem. The one mantra no parent ever questions is, "All I want is for my children to be happy." And don't get me wrong: I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child. But it is a very elusive one. Happiness and self-confidence, teaching children that is not like teaching them how to plow a field. It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike. There's no curriculum for it. Happiness and self-confidence can be the byproducts of other things, but they cannot really be goals unto themselves. A child's happiness is a very unfair burden to place on a parent. And happiness is an even more unfair burden to place on a kid.
The Psychology of your Future SelfDan Gilbert of 5Self-Awareness, HappinessWe tend to overestimate the stability of our current preferences and thus vastly underestimate how much we will change in the future.-we know we have changed a lot in the past 10 years, but find it difficult to imagine changing much in the next 10 years--because that is difficult to imagine.5:23Why does this happen? We're not entirely sure, but it probably has to do with the ease of rememberingversus the difficulty of imagining. Most of us can remember who we were 10 years ago, but we find it hard to imagine who we're going to be, and then we mistakenly think that because it's hard to imagine,it's not likely to happen. Sorry, when people say "I can't imagine that," they're usually talking about their own lack of imagination, and not about the unlikelihood of the event that they're describing.
The Paradox of ChoiceBarry Schwartz of 5Freedom, Happiness, Decision makingLots of benefits to choice, but don't believe "more choice is always better." More options does not equal more liberation. It can lead to non-choice (paralysis)-As # of options increase, it is increasingly harder to MAKE a decision AND you are increasingly dissatisfied after making a choice (because of the high % that you didn't choose the perfect one).

* 17 minutes: “There’s no question that some choice is better than none, but it doesn’t follow from that that more choice is better than some choice.”
* 19:10 “If you shatter the fishbowl so that everything is possible, you don’t have freedom, you have paralysis… Everyone needs a fishbowl”
The Secret to Desire in Long-term relationshipsEsther Perel of 5Love, marriage, relationshipsCalibrate your approach and expectations in love-love is in the 'having'. Desire is in the 'wanting'.
-When are we most drawn to our partners? 1. When we reunite (absence/longing). 2. When they are in their element, doing something they are passionate about, when others are drawn to them. When I see them radiant and confident. 3. They surprise you, reignite novelty, become 'mysterious'.
-There is no 'neediness' in desire.
-Sex is a place you go, a unique language of unique expression
-Anticipation is a mortar to desire, good sex requires a build up that begins immidiately after the last orgasm.
"So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence -- all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home.But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- you get the gist -- for journey, for travel. So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,and we live twice as long. (Laughter) So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given"
"So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have." And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want." In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with, that we can go see what goes on in their red light district. In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. "
"in our mind up thereare a host of things going on that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love, because we think love comes with selflessness and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness in the best sense of the word: the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another."
How to Live Before You DieSteve Jobs of 5
The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-CompassionKristin Neff
The Clues of A Great StoryAndrew Stanton of 5PresentationWe're born for stories, they affirm who we are and connect us to others.-Storytelling confirms some truth that deepens our understanding of who we are as humans.
-The 'well organized absence of information' is what draws us in. Construct anticipation
9:50 “William archer
Drama is anticipation Mingled with uncertainty”
That’s the first story lesson I ever learned. Use what you know. Draw from it. It doesn’t always mean plot or fact. It means capturing a truth from your experiencing it, expressing values you personally feel deep down in your core
We Need to Talk About an InjusticeBryan Stevenson of 5Equality, JusticeWe push uncomfortable problem onto the periphery--its not our problem.-there is power in identity. When we create the right kind of identity, we can say things to the world around us that they don't actually believe makes sense.
-We are losing the power of our identity by how we treat those from unprivileged backgrounds
What would it feel like to be living in a world where the nation state of Germany was executing people, especially if they were disproportionately Jewish? I couldn't bear it. It would be unconscionable. And yet, in this country, in the states of the Old South, we execute people -- where you're 11 times more likely to get the death penalty if the victim is white than if the victim is black, 22 times more likely to get it if the defendant is black and the victim is white -- in the very states where there are buried in the ground the bodies of people who were lynched.
12:35You know ultimately, we all have to believe things we haven't seen. We do. As rational as we are, as committed to intellect as we are. Innovation, creativity, development comes not from the ideas in our mind alone. They come from the ideas in our mind that are also fueled by some conviction in our heart. And it's that mind-heart connection that I believe compels us to not just be attentive to all the bright and dazzly things, but also the dark and difficult things.
15:30ultimately, our humanity depends on everyone's humanity... I've come to understand and to believe that each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done. I believe that for every person on the planet. I think if somebody tells a lie, they're not just a liar. I think if somebody takes something that doesn't belong to them, they're not just a thief. I think even if you kill someone, you're not just a killer. And because of that there's this basic human dignity that must be respected by law.
16:40 Ultimately, you judge the character of a society, not by how they treat their rich and the powerful and the privileged,but by how they treat the poor, the condemned, the incarcerated.
17:05-18:25, story about sending a court motion demanding that his black client be judged like a 75 year old white corporate executive.
I am the son of a terrorist. Here's how I chose peaceZak Ebrahim of 5Perspective, Compassion, UnderstandingAwesome. -Step out of your stereotypes, let people be people1:22 It's been my experience that when people take the time to interact with one another, it doesn't take long to realize that for the most part, we all want the same things out of life. However, in every religion, in every population, you'll find a small percentage of people who hold so fervently to their beliefs that they feel they must use any means necessary to make others live as they do.
3:45 I spent my time at home reading books and watching TV or playing video games. For those reasons, my social skills were lacking, to say the least, and growing up in a bigoted household, I wasn't prepared for the real world. I'd been raised to judge people based on arbitrary measurements, like a person's race or religion.
One day, I had a conversation with my mother about how my worldview was starting to change, and she said something to me that I will hold dear to my heart for as long as I live. She looked at me with the weary eyes of someone who had experienced enough dogmatism to last a lifetime, and said, "I'm tired of hating people." In that instant, I realized how much negative energy it takes to hold that hatred inside of you.
The Power of IntrovertsSusan Cain of 5Conversation, RelationshipsIntroverts have something truly unique to offer, if they can be understood and allowed to thrive on their terms.-Society in many ways is structured for extroverts. As an introvert, are you reflexively making self-negating choices to conform?
-Shyness is fear of social judgment. Intoversion is about stimulation--introverts are most switched on in more low-key environments.
-Give people a chance to generate their own ideas free from the distortions of group dynamics before coming together and discussing ideas.
-Deep thought comes from solitude
6:15interesting research by Adam Grant at the Wharton School has found that introverted leaders often deliver better outcomes than extroverts do, because when they are managing proactive employees,they're much more likely to let those employees run with their ideas, whereas an extrovert can, quite unwittingly, get so excited about things that they're putting their own stamp on things, and other people's ideas might not as easily then bubble up to the surface.
8:10We need more of a yin and yang between these two types. This is especially important when it comes to creativity and to productivity,because when psychologists look at the lives of the most creative people, what they find are people who are very good at exchanging ideas and advancing ideas, but who also have a serious streak of introversion in them. And this is because solitude is a crucial ingredient often to creativity. So Darwin, he took long walks alone in the woods and emphatically turned down dinner-party invitations.
10:25groups famously follow the opinions of the most dominant or charismatic person in the room, even though there's zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas -- I mean zero.
Life Lessons from an Ad ManRory Sutherland of 5Funny, Happiness, Gratitude, Behavior Change"When you place a value on things like health, love, sex and other things, and learn to place a material value on what you've previously discounted for being merely intangible, a thing not seen, you realize you're much, much wealthier than you ever imagined"Intangible value: we could get a lot more happiness out of life if we appreciated what we already have by seeing it in a new way.
The interface determines the behavior
2:54 “Placebo education: education doesn’t actually work by teaching you things. It actually works by giving you the impression that you’ve had a very good education which gives you an insane sense of unwarranted self-confidence which makes you successful in later life.”
-“Spend more time appreciating what already exists and less time agonizing about what else we can do.” 15:27
-Poetry is when you make new things familiar and familiar things new. 15:33
"We are perishing for want of wonder, not for want of wonders." - GK Chesterton
The Lost Genius of IrrationalityRory Sutherland of 5-We see human agency even in completely random events.
Should you live for your resume or your eulogy?David Brooks of 5Perspective, FulfillmentStep back and ask if you are becoming the type of person whose character will be praised in a Eulogy 2:20We happen to live in a society that favors Adam I, and often neglects Adam II. And the problem is, that turns you into a shrewd animal who treats life as a game, and you become a cold, calculating creature who slips into a sort of mediocrity where you realize there's a difference between your desired self and your actual self. You're not earning the sort of eulogy you want, you hope someone will give to you. You don't have the depth of conviction.You don't have an emotional sonorousness. You don't have commitment to tasks that would take more than a lifetime to commit.
The Puzzle of MotivationDan Pink of 5Work, Leadership, FulfillmentCarrots and Stick are not the method to motivate in the 21st century.-extrinsic vs intrinsic motivation matters hugely as we make the transition from mechanical to creative work.
-Rewards narrow focus and concentrate our mind
"Autonomy: the urge to direct our own lives. Mastery: the desire to get better and better at something that matters. Purpose: the yearning to do what we do in the service of something larger than ourselves. These are the building blocks of an entirely new operating system for our businesses.

“Traditional notions of management are great if you want compliance. But if you want engagement, self-direction works better.”"
Why we all need to practice emotional first aidGuy Winch of 5Emotional Self-Control, Self-compassionWe want to live in a more psychological healthy world. So take action toward your emotional wellbeingCall your family if you are lonley.
Lonliness is subjective--It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you.
Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death by 14 percent.
Once we become convinced of something, it is very difficult to change our mind (9:26)
You have to actively fight helplessness--your feelings are like a moody friend (10:35)
We castigate and ruminate negatively too much--instead, we should FORCE OURSELVES to concentrate on something else until the negative urge starts
1:40 We all know how to maintain our physical health and how to practice dental hygiene, right? We've known it since we were five years old. But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? Well, nothing. What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? Nothing. How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than we do our minds.
We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness. And they can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't. It doesn't even occur to us that we should. "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg." (Laughter) It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health. It's time we made them more equal, more like twins.
Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. It make us really afraid to reach out, because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand?
Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? You need to be. Because if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something and you believe it, then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all. And then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed. You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential. Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it.
11:20 Rejection is extremely painful. The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. All she could do was call a friend. Here's what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect? You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say, why would a handsome, successful man like that ever go out with a loser like you?" Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel? But it would be much less shocking if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that. It's what the woman said to herself.
12:30 because our self-esteem is already hurting. Why would we want to go and damage it even further? We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose. You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh, I know! I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it."
But we do that with psychological injuries all the time. Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene. Because we don't prioritize our psychological health. We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower, you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety, that failures and rejections hurt more and it takes longer to recover from them. So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp. When you're in emotional pain, treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend. We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them. One of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination. To ruminate means to chew over. It's when your boss yells at you, or your professor makes you feel stupid in class, or you have big fight with a friend and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days, sometimes for weeks on end. Ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit, and it's a very costly one. Because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts, you are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, and even cardiovascular disease.
The problem is the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important, so it's a difficult habit to stop. I know this for a fact, because a little over a year ago, I developed the habit myself.
By taking action when you're lonely, by changing your responses to failure, by protecting your self-esteem, by battling negative thinking, you won't just heal your psychological wounds, you will build emotional resilience, you will thrive. A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades. I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practicing emotional hygiene.
What Fear Can Teach UsKaren Thompson Walker of 5Thinking, Self-awarenessWhat if instead of calling them fears, we called them stories?Fears force us to think "what will happen next"?--and how that one thing will affect all the other things to come
Become a "reader" of your fear--Practice "productive paranoia": instead of dismissing fears, we study them closely and translate fear into action
8:40 Herman Melville, who used this story as research for "Moby Dick," wrote years later, and from dry land, quote, "All the sufferings of these miserable men of the Essex might in all human probability have been avoided had they, immediately after leaving the wreck, steered straight for Tahiti. But," as Melville put it, "they dreaded cannibals."
So the question is, why did these men dread cannibals so much more than the extreme likelihood of starvation? Why were they swayed by one story so much more than the other? Looked at from this angle, theirs becomes a story about reading.
The novelist Vladimir Nabokov said that the best reader has a combination of two very different temperaments, the artistic and the scientific. A good reader has an artist's passion, a willingness to get caught up in the story, but just as importantly, the readers also needsthe coolness of judgment of a scientist, which acts to temper and complicate the reader's intuitive reactions to the story. As we've seen, the men of the Essex had no trouble with the artistic part. They dreamed up a variety of horrifying scenarios. The problem was that they listened to the wrong story. Of all the narratives their fears wrote, they responded only to the most lurid, the most vivid, the one that was easiest for their imaginations to picture: cannibals. But perhaps if they'd been able to read their fears more like a scientist, with more coolness of judgment, they would have listened instead to the less violent but the more likely tale, the story of starvation, and headed for Tahiti, just as Melville's sad commentary suggests.
The Art of AskingAmanda Palmer of 5warning at 10:54Let yourself trust peopleImagine what can happen if you ask
When you connect with people, they want to help you.
The Way of ImprovisationDave Morris of 5Communication, #humor, ComedyListening is the willingness to change
Improv people listen with "every part of their being"
We listen and change objectively. It isn't "your idea, my idea", it becomes the first idea, the second idea.
NO shuts off collaboration.
Let yourself fail = you relax, just play and have fun.
We tense up and say "I have to do this RIGHT, Dave is watching me!"
Don't Wait to be KindMark Bezos of 5 Every small act of kindess and grace matters
The Danger of ScienceClint Smith of 5InspirationSilence is not always golden. Sometimes it harms2:52We spend so much time listening to the things people are saying that we rarely pay attention to the things they don't. Silence is the residue of fear. It is feeling your flaws gut-wrench guillotine your tongue. It is the air retreating from your chest because it doesn't feel safe in your lungs.
The Power of Outrospection (Non-TED)Roman Krznaric
Let's Try Emotional CorrectnessSally Kohn of 5Relationships, Empathy, messagingGive others compassion that you want them to have for youBuild on common ground, be fans of people before their positions.3:20
I think Sean Hannity is 99 percent politically wrong, but his emotional correctness is strikingly impressive, and that's why people listen to him. Because you can't get anyone to agree with you if they don't even listen to you first.
3:42We spend so much time talking past each other and not enough time talking through our disagreements, and if we can start to find compassion for one another, then we have a shot at building common ground. It actually sounds really hokey to say it standing up here, but when you try to put it in practice, it's really powerful.
4:04So someone who says they hate immigrants, I try to imagine how scared they must be that their community is changing from what they've always known. Or someone who says they don't like teachers' unions, I bet they're really devastated to see their kid's school going into the gutter, and they're just looking for someone to blame. Our challenge is to find the compassion for others that we want them to have for us. That is emotional correctness.

"I am not a big fan of your political leanings or your sometimes tortured logic, but I'm a big fan of you as a person." Now this guy doesn't agree with me, yet.(Laughter) But he's listening, not because of what I said, but because of how I said it, and somehow, even though we've never met, we've managed to form a connection. That's emotional correctness, and that's how we start the conversations that really lead to change.

Emotional correctness is the tone, the feeling, how we say what we say, the respect and compassion we show one another. And what I've realized is that political persuasion doesn't begin with ideas or facts or data. Political persuasion begins with being emotionally correct.
Elon Musk“Really pay attention to negative feedback and solicit it, particularly from friends. … Hardly anyone does that, and it’s incredibly helpful.”
Simon Sinek
Schools Kill CreativitySir Ken Robinson of 5“If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.”
Our Elusive Creative GeniusElizabeth Gilbert“We’ve completely internalized and accepted collectively this notion that creativity and suffering are somehow inherently linked, and that artistry in the end will always ultimately lead to anguish — are you guys all cool with that idea?”
Susan Cain
The Riddle of Experience Vs MemoryDaniel Kahneman of 5“We don’t choose between experiences, we choose between memories of experiences. Even when we think about the future, we don’t think of our future normally as experiences. We think of our future as anticipated memories.”
Amy Cuddy of 5
Alain De Botton 2 of 5Happiness, successOur tendency to "graded ourselves" based off our job or material success does not reflect our true value-With equality and sense of opportunity, comes a sense that we are responsible when we are not successful
-We are only envious of people we see as similar to us.
-A snob is someone who takes one detail of you to come to a conclusion about the whole of you.
-We have replaced the divine as the center of society, with ourselves
6:30what is a meritocratic society? A meritocratic society is one in which if you've got talent and energy and skill, you will get to the top. Nothing should hold you back. It's a beautiful idea. The problem is if you really believe in a society where those who merit to get to the top, get to the top, you'll also, by implication, and in a far more nasty way,believe in a society where those who deserve to get to the bottom also get to the bottom and stay there.In other words, your position in life comes to seem not accidental, but merited and deserved. And that makes failure seem much more crushing.
12:51Here's an insight that I've had about success. You can't be successful at everything. We hear a lot of talk about work-life balance. Nonsense. You can't have it all. You can't. So any vision of success has to admit what it's losing out on, where the element of loss is. I think any wise life will accept, as I say, that there is going to be an element where we are not succeeding.
Walk Toward Our BiasesVerna Myers of 5Look for disconfirming data against your biases
Be intentional at 'looking at' black men
VS Ramachadran neurons--we literally feel what others are going through.We can learn merely by watching
The Power of Time OffStefan Sagmeister of 5Every 7 years, I take a year off.
Our buggy moral codeDan Ariely of 5Moral reasoning, honestyPriming people can encourage their best behavior.7:21 how would you test a personal fudge factor? Initially we said, what can we do to shrink the fudge factor? So, we got people to the lab, and we said, "We have two tasks for you today." First, we asked half the people to recall either 10 books they read in high school, or to recall The Ten Commandments, and then we tempted them with cheating. Turns out the people who tried to recall The Ten Commandments -- and in our sample nobody could recall all of The Ten Commandments -- but those people who tried to recall The Ten Commandments, given the opportunity to cheat, did not cheat at all. It wasn't that the more religious people -- the people who remembered more of the Commandments -- cheated less, and the less religious people -- the people who couldn't remember almost any Commandments -- cheated more. The moment people thought about trying to recall The Ten Commandments, they stopped cheating. In fact, even when we gave self-declared atheists the task of swearing on the Bible and we give them a chance to cheat, they don't cheat at all. Now, Ten Commandments is something that is hard to bring into the education system, so we said, "Why don't we get people to sign the honor code?" So, we got people to sign, "I understand that this short survey falls under the MIT Honor Code." Then they shredded it. No cheating whatsoever. And this is particularly interesting, because MIT doesn't have an honor code.
The Shared Experience of AbsurdityCharlie Todd's no right or wrong way to "play"Spend a little bit of your time in an unusual way.
Morality and OxytocinPaul Zak of 5Relationships, HappinessOxytocin connects us to othershug people**“ The change in oxytocin predicted their feelings of empathy. So it's empathy that makes us connect to other people. It's empathy that makes us help other people. It's empathy that makes us moral.”
***”Adam Smith wrote a book in 1759 called "The Theory of Moral Sentiments."In this book, Smith argued that we are moral creatures, not because of a top-down reason, but for a bottom-up reason. He said we're social creatures, so we share the emotions of others. So if I do something that hurts you, I feel that pain. So I tend to avoid that. If I do something that makes you happy, I get to share your joy. So I tend to do those things.”
Malcolm Gladwell
Why I Must Come OutGeena Rocero, Identity
How I held my breath for 17 minutesDavid Blaine“As a magician, I think everything is possible. And I think if something is done by one person it can be done by others.”
Matt Cuts
Everyday LeadershipDrew Dudley of 54 "You've been an incredibly important person in my life," was a moment that I didn't even remember.
How many of you guys have a lollipop moment, a moment where someone said something or did something that you feel fundamentally made your life better? All right. How many of you have told that person they did it? See, why not? We celebrate birthdays, where all you have to do is not die for 365 days — (Laughter) — and yet we let people who have made our lives better walk around without knowing it. And every single one of you, every single one of you has been the catalyst for a lollipop moment. You have made someone's life better by something that you said or that you did, and if you think you haven't, think about all the hands that didn't go back up when I asked that question. You're just one of the people who hasn't been told.
Once Upon a Time, My MotherCarmen Agra Deedy, expression #humorImitation, pauses, analogies
Dare to DisagreeMargaret Heffernan of 5Human nature, thinkingSometimes people don't WANT to knowEntire organizations can be wrong. DEAD wrong.
law of inintended consequences: conventional wisdom was that "everything was safe to a threshold"
See conflict as thinking. Resist the drive to prefer people most like ourselves
2:46Nevertheless, Alice Stewart rushed to publish her preliminary findings in The Lancet in 1956. People got very excited, there was talk of the Nobel Prize, and Alice really was in a big hurry to try to study all the cases of childhood cancer she could find before they disappeared. In fact, she need not have hurried. It was fully 25 years before the British and medical -- British and American medical establishments abandoned the practice of X-raying pregnant women. The data was out there, it was open, it was freely available, but nobody wanted to know. A child a week was dying, but nothing changed. Openness alone can't drive change
8:14So how do we develop the skills that we need? Because it does take skill and practice, too. If we aren't going to be afraid of conflict, we have to see it as thinking,and then we have to get really good at it. So, recently, I worked with an executive named Joe, and Joe worked for a medical device company. And Joe was very worried about the device that he was working on. He thought that it was too complicated and he thought that its complexity created margins of error that could really hurt people. He was afraid of doing damage to the patients he was trying to help. But when he looked around his organization, nobody else seemed to be at all worried. So, he didn't really want to say anything. After all, maybe they knew something he didn't. Maybe he'd look stupid. But he kept worrying about it, and he worried about it so much that he got to the point where he thought the only thing he could do was leave a job he loved.
9:21In the end, Joe and I found a way for him to raise his concerns. And what happened then is what almost always happens in this situation. It turned out everybody had exactly the same questions and doubts.

11:29The fact is that most of the biggest catastrophes that we've witnessed rarely come from information that is secret or hidden. It comes from information that is freely available and out there, but that we are willfully blind to, because we can't handle, don't want to handle, the conflict that it provokes. But when we dare to break that silence, or when we dare to see, and we create conflict, we enable ourselves and the people around us to do our very best thinking.
66 5 mins
How web video powers global innovationChris Anderson innovation: When you put together a crowd of people who share a common interest, light (visibility--putting your stuff out there), and desire, innovation increased dramatically
Connected, but alone?Shelly Turkle yourself, and be comfortable with being alone. Don't settle for the appearance of connection, but lacking any depth12:41, These days, those phones in our pockets are changing our minds and hearts because they offer us three gratifying fantasies. One, that we can put our attention wherever we want it to be; two, that we will always be heard; and three, that we will never have to be alone. And that third idea, that we will never have to be alone, is central to changing our psyches. Because the moment that people are alone, even for a few seconds, they become anxious, they panic, they fidget, they reach for a device. Just think of people at a checkout line or at a red light. Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved. And so people try to solve it by connecting. But here, connection is more like a symptom than a cure. It expresses, but it doesn't solve, an underlying problem. But more than a symptom, constant connection is changing the way people think of themselves. It's shaping a new way of being. .. We connect more and more. But in the process, we set ourselves up to be isolated.
How do you get from connection to isolation? You end up isolated if you don't cultivate the capacity for solitude, the ability to be separate, to gather yourself. Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we don't have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we're not able to appreciate who they are. It's as though we're using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self. We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. But we're at risk, because actually it's the opposite that's true. If we're not able to be alone, we're going to be more lonely. And if we don't teach our children to be alone, they're only going to know how to be lonely.
Year of Living BiblicallyAJ Jacobs agnosticism
rituals--would an alien deride more blowing out candles or lighting a menorah?
dont dismiss the irrational, has value for people
***, creativity
71, entreprenuer, inspiration
strange answers to the psychopath testjon ronson
he faked madness too well, he said. And they didn't send him to some cushy hospital. They sent him to Broadmoor. And the minute he got there, said he took one look at the place, asked to see the psychiatrist, said, "There's been a terrible misunderstanding. I'm not mentally ill." I said, "How long have you been here for?" He said, "Well, if I'd just done my time in prison for the original crime, I'd have got five years. I've been in Broadmoor for 12 years."
they're always looking out for nonverbal clues to my mental state. But how do you sit in a sane way? How do you cross your legs in a sane way? It's just impossible." When Tony said that to me, I thought to myself, "Am I sitting like a journalist? Am I crossing my legs like a journalist?"
he said, "I'm not a psychopath." He said, "You know what? One of the items on the checklist is lack of remorse, but another item on the checklist is cunning, manipulative. So when you say you feel remorse for your crime, they say, 'Typical of the psychopath to cunningly say he feels remorse when he doesn't.' It's like witchcraft, they turn everything upside-down."
you shouldn't define people by their maddest edges. And what Tony is, is he's a semi-psychopath. He's a gray area in a world that doesn't like gray areas. But the gray areas are where you find the complexity. It's where you find the humanity, and it's where you find the truth. And Tony said to me, "Jon, could I buy you a drink in a bar? I just want to thank you for everything you've done for me." And I didn't go. What would you have done?

17:31Thank you.

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