Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

I realize passengers are concerned, but speaking as a pilot, there's no better place to drop acid than 40,000 feet in the air.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-not-so-friendly-skies-1819558790

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

There need to be more exhaustive pre-boarding security anal probes. In fact, forget the plane ride altogether.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-not-so-friendly-skies-1819558790

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

I would like to see more entertaining in-flight movies and fewer mid-air explosive decapitations.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-not-so-friendly-skies-1819558790

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

I hate being aboard a plane during a terrorist hijacking, but when I have to be, I chew delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Gum.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-not-so-friendly-skies-1819558790

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

It stinks that all flights are now non-smoking, but I can usually get away with blowing the smoke out the gaping rusted holes in the plane's fuselage.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-not-so-friendly-skies-1819558790

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

Airline safety is all about people.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-not-so-friendly-skies-1819558790

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

Life on Mars? That's nothing—you should see the hideous lifeform that just fell out of my wife.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/is-there-life-on-mars-1819558794

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

As a 15th century peasant, I am frightened by this news. I must now go read Scripture by the light of a burning witch.

Orthopedic Surgeon

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/is-there-life-on-mars-1819558794

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

Perhaps now we'll find that men truly are from Mars—and that women are from Venus.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/is-there-life-on-mars-1819558794

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

Earthman! You have violated the intergalactic codes of the Funk! I wanna see y'all put your hands together and get on up for the Mothership!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/is-there-life-on-mars-1819558794

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

Any educated person should know a meteor in Antarctica is no proof of Martian life. It can only be the passed gallstone of Guntuska, mighty All-Father of the Skies.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/is-there-life-on-mars-1819558794

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

This is another sign that the end is nigh. That's as good a reason as any to pork my cousin.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/is-there-life-on-mars-1819558794

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?

At schools like the Citadel, boys are turned into identityless drones devoid of any emotions save hate and slavish obedience. I'd say that's an opportunity no young girl would be able to resist.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/military-academies-under-fire-1819558793

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?

If these all-male schools are anything like Chippendales' sizzling all-male revue, I want in. Oh, those buns!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/military-academies-under-fire-1819558793

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?

I attend an all-male school, and I agree wholeheartedly that women should be allowed to attend. I'm sick of fucking my sock.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/military-academies-under-fire-1819558793

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?

As the first black to attend the University of Mississippi, I applaud these women's efforts. I also recommend playing dead when being beaten by an angry, bat-wielding mob.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/military-academies-under-fire-1819558793

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?

With all those pretty girls around, how are cadets supposed to pay attention to the three Rs of military education: Readin', Ritin' and Rectal Rape?

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/military-academies-under-fire-1819558793

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?

What if they held a military academy and nobody came? Think about it.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/military-academies-under-fire-1819558793

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?

Heroin's a beautiful thing, man. It's like the first four seasons of Full House all at once.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/a-heroin-experience-1819558792

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?

There's nothing like the rush you get when that needle hits your vein, man. Absolutely nothing. I'm so glad I gave up drugs for knitting.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/a-heroin-experience-1819558792

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?

I've never tried heroin, but I used to be hooked on opium suppositories. Everyday, four or five of those. Okay, I guess there was no opium in them.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/a-heroin-experience-1819558792

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?

I'll tell you who my heroine is. That's right: Barbra Streisand.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/a-heroin-experience-1819558792

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?

All my friends think it's 'cool' to do heroin. Well, call me old-fashioned, but I'm sticking with smokable crack cocaine.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/a-heroin-experience-1819558792

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"?

Huh…whazz… fuckin… mnnnorrr… I don't… w…monkey.

Occupational Therapist

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/a-heroin-experience-1819558792

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?

I understand the dangers of teen smoking and all that stuff. That's why I make my kids smoke in the kitchen.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/philip-morris-under-fire-1819558791

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?

I want to do what's right for my kid, but Timmy would miss his favorite Saturday morning Fox cartoon, FilterKing and the NicoTeens of the Cigaverse.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/philip-morris-under-fire-1819558791

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?

People are too easily influenced by bright, flashy ad campaigns featuring cute characters like Joe Camel. Once, I freebased an entire bottle of Toilet Duck.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/philip-morris-under-fire-1819558791

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?

Man, the next thing you know, you'll have to be 18 just to buy the damn things.

School Psychologist

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/philip-morris-under-fire-1819558791

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?

I think they should ban those Pringles ads with the guy dancing.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/philip-morris-under-fire-1819558791

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?

No, we don't want teens to smoke. They're so lovable in their huge trousers and grubby shirts and bowl haircuts. No, we wouldn't want them to die horribly of lung cancer.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/philip-morris-under-fire-1819558791

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Hey, I don't know about same-sex marriages, but I've been beggin' my wife for a some-sex marriage for years!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/the-gay-marriage-debate-1819558797

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Same-sex marriages are okay, as long as it's clear who drops the soap and who is the warden.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/the-gay-marriage-debate-1819558797

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

I was in a gay affair once. Oh, how the champagne flowed! And the Nelson Riddle Orchestra, oh, they were simply divine!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/the-gay-marriage-debate-1819558797

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

As a church-going lady, I must disapprove. Once two people of the same sex are married, they might start having relations.

School Psychologist

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/the-gay-marriage-debate-1819558797

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

I'm all for them. My next marriage will be to someone who likes to have the same kind of sex I have. The kind where you kiss my ding-dong.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/the-gay-marriage-debate-1819558797

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

I was brought up to believe that same-sex marriage is fine, providing the people involved are father and son.

Guidance Counselor

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/the-gay-marriage-debate-1819558797

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

Wal-Mart in China? Good idea! That will eliminate shipping costs from the manufacturer to the store.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-great-wal-mart-of-china-1819558795

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

I'd like to visit that store. Then I could see my wife before I buy her.

Speech Pathologist

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-great-wal-mart-of-china-1819558795

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

As a fat Beijing housewife with nine children, I'm glad I'll finally have the chance to push a cart around a huge, fluorescent-lit store, just like I would in America.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-great-wal-mart-of-china-1819558795

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

That explains why, when I tried to return a defective toaster oven recently, they told me I had to take it to their store in Wutan.

Registered Dietitian

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-great-wal-mart-of-china-1819558795

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

Hopefully, this will provide a better market for their poorly selling line of Sam's Choice Human Rights Abuses.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-great-wal-mart-of-china-1819558795

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

As a cost-conscious Chinese peasant, I'm sticking with Sears. They've got the Kenmore-brand huts I'm looking for.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-great-wal-mart-of-china-1819558795

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

My grandpa got sick and old and died. You don't think the same thing could happen to Yeltsin, do you?

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/yeltsins-failing-health-1819558798

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

Maybe the U.S. could send him some coloring books to cheer him up.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/yeltsins-failing-health-1819558798

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

The rising popularity of the Russian folk song, 'Where is Yeltsin? Is He In the Cupboard?' is indicative of these troubled times.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/yeltsins-failing-health-1819558798

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

I only wish I'd responded to his letters and answered his calls. Now the poor man's dying of a broken heart.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/yeltsins-failing-health-1819558798

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

As one of Russia's top physicians, I'd recommend Yeltsin reduce his beef intake to four giant helpings a day.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/yeltsins-failing-health-1819558798

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

USA! USA! Hey, if Yeltsin doesn't like it here, he can fuckin' move to Russia.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/yeltsins-failing-health-1819558798

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

First Wives? Bah! When is Time going to cover a real news story—like aliens invading the earth in a summer blockbuster? Now that would be news.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-first-wives-phenomenon-1819558796

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

I'm a rich, white male who has been married twice. Only, I didn't divorce my first wife. I beat her to death with a golf club.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-first-wives-phenomenon-1819558796

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

When two people with a family divorce, they're not the only ones affected. Please don't forget about the pool cleaner.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-first-wives-phenomenon-1819558796

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

I don't understand what all the hubbub is about—Diane Keaton didn't even take off her shirt.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-first-wives-phenomenon-1819558796

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

I ain't seen the movie. But all the guys are talking about it down at the garage.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-first-wives-phenomenon-1819558796

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

When my husband left me, I became a member of the Columbia Music Club. Savings is the best revenge!

Sales Representative

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-first-wives-phenomenon-1819558796

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

I was touched by an angel—last Saturday, on CBS.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/angels-among-us-1819558803

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

I believed in angels until I met Mother Teresa—what a bitch.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/angels-among-us-1819558803

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

I believe my mother to be an angel. A perfect angel. I even stapled a little halo onto her head. I keep her in my basement.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/angels-among-us-1819558803

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

My grandpa is an angel now, and he watches over my sister and brothers and me. Hi, my name is Jeffy, of Family Circus fame, and my creator, Bil Keane, is bat-shit insane.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/angels-among-us-1819558803

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

Innocent schoolgirl by day, high-priced hooker by night… How could you not believe in Angel?

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/angels-among-us-1819558803

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

I thought I saw an angel once, but it was just my husband in a druid's cloak masturbating to organ music.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/angels-among-us-1819558803

What is your favorite number?

You mean, other than eight?

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-magic-number-1819558799

What is your favorite number?

I have trouble deciding between 12 and 85, so I'll take their average and say 48.5.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-magic-number-1819558799

What is your favorite number?

The cosine of 67 degrees, because that's the number I wore when I played football in high school.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-magic-number-1819558799

What is your favorite number?

Sorry, I flunked math. But 'albedo' is my favorite meteorological term.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-magic-number-1819558799

What is your favorite number?

I know it's trendy, but I'd have to say six.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-magic-number-1819558799

What is your favorite number?

I don't really have a favorite. Just so long as I'm counting, I'm happy.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/the-magic-number-1819558799

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?

Ellen DeGeneres? More like Ellen Degenerate, if you ask me!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/is-ellen-gay-1819558800

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?

I've suspected her character was gay ever since that episode where she ferociously ate out that secretary.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/is-ellen-gay-1819558800

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?

Thanks to Ellen and Melissa Etheridge, a valuable lesson has been learned: Gay people can be just as mediocre and untalented as straights.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/is-ellen-gay-1819558800

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?

I think that whatever anyone does behind closed doors is his or her own business, unless the kangaroo's bleating keeps the neighbors up at night.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/is-ellen-gay-1819558800

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?

Everybody here at the ABC women's rugby team knows Ellen quite well, and I can assure you there's no truth to those rumors.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/is-ellen-gay-1819558800

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?

Forget Ellen—have you heard the rumor that that guy on Martin is a colored?

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/is-ellen-gay-1819558800

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?

Now that Clinton has been re-elected, we as a nation will get to find out if Chelsea blossoms into a beautiful piece of ass.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/clinton-part-2-1819558807

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?

Under Clinton's leadership, I hope to advance to the soft-serve machine.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/clinton-part-2-1819558807

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?

Whatever happens in the next four years, it can't possibly be worse than it was under that clown Clinton.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/clinton-part-2-1819558807

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?

Now that Clinton is in the White House, I look forward to four years of health care reform, gays in the military and, at last, renewed racial harmony. Go Clinton!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/clinton-part-2-1819558807

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?

You never know what tomorrow will bring, so you just have to put on a smile, keep your chin to the wind and hide your heroin in a balloon in your butthole.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/clinton-part-2-1819558807

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?

I only hope that Clinton remembers the children.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/clinton-part-2-1819558807

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

Carolyn is so beautiful. She must, like, go to Glamour Shots every day.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/captivated-by-carolyn-1819558802

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

President Lincoln's son, John F. Lincoln Jr., married a girl named Mary Bessette. They ended up getting killed on a steamboat. Beware, I say!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/captivated-by-carolyn-1819558802

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

Sure, she's got the poise, the grace and the looks, but how good is she at catching chunks of her husband's brains in the back of a speeding convertible?

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/captivated-by-carolyn-1819558802

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

I love her! In fact, I just finished reading her new autobiography, I Am A Spoiled, Privileged, Vacuous Human Barbie Doll.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/captivated-by-carolyn-1819558802

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

What an elegant, glamorous woman. That JFK Jr. sure did pick an amazing lady to lose his virginity to.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/captivated-by-carolyn-1819558802

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

Finally, America has a clearly defined alpha male and alpha female to defer to. I'm so relieved!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/captivated-by-carolyn-1819558802

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?

Space Jam? Bah! I prefer more enlightened, intellectual fare. That's why I plan to see the new Roman Polanski film, Night and the Archbishop, featuring Chilly Willy.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/space-jammed-1819558809

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?

Bugs Bunny is a priceless piece of Americana. That's why when Space Jam premieres, I'll be the first in line—burning myself alive Buddhist-style in front of the theater.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/space-jammed-1819558809

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?

I hope now I'll finally be able to find Chicago Bulls or Warner Brothers merchandise.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/space-jammed-1819558809

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?

I hear there's this one part in the movie where somebody gets bonked in the head.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/space-jammed-1819558809

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?

I can't wait to see Daffy and Taz on the big screen again. Bugs, I could do without, since he once sodomized me behind the log flume at Six Flags. He's much, much taller in person, you know.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/space-jammed-1819558809

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?

See Space Jam in the theaters? No thanks. I'll wait to see it the way it was meant to be seen—on network TV, surrounded by commercials.

Guidance Counselor

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://entertainment.theonion.com/space-jammed-1819558809

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

I am permitted to smoke dope because I have, like, the flu and shit.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--lVEhf-r8--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/vp7anutaywiqbbbkad1c.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/medical-marijuana-1819558806

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

One time when I was sick, my dad gave me a big fattie, only it wasn't the kind you smoke.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/medical-marijuana-1819558806

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

I am a Bay Area surgeon, and I recently pioneered a new open-heart surgery technique where a big bag of weed is dropped into the patient's open chest cavity. Results have been mixed.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--JQDCnwRR--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/qqp49mbqhsj0xgjes6si.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/medical-marijuana-1819558806

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

I'd never smoke weed if I had cancer, man. I might freak out and get all paranoid and be, like, 'Whoa! I've got cancer, man!'

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--8TN2VS1v--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/kedcvl3g6j3pzpejkuwm.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/medical-marijuana-1819558806

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

Now if my doctor could just prescribe me some pizza delivered to my place, I'd be fuckin' set.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/medical-marijuana-1819558806

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

I like to whip up a marijuana poultice and apply it to my muscles when they ache. I also pour heroin into some hot water for a dandy foot massage!

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://politics.theonion.com/medical-marijuana-1819558806

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

It's disappointing, but understandable. I mean, Welcome Back Kotter re-runs must be really expensive to air.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--XLNnQBJY--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/zirdp5kp5svdajppgk7o.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/rising-cable-rates-1819558819

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

I hope they raise the rates. It makes me feel good to help a struggling media conglomerate get a little bit ahead.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--bq-7jowX--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/cqicwozsj40do9iamaxd.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/rising-cable-rates-1819558819

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

Cable rates, cigarette prices and liquor taxes are all going up this month. At this rate, the twins' baby food budget is gonna be cut in half.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--cJGl1vkA--/c_fill,f_auto,fl_progressive,g_center,h_200,q_80,w_200/di8zr7edqkuqac4uf2hr.jpg

https://www.theonion.com/rising-cable-rates-1819558819