Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was just kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: “Wow, how did you know that?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas!

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”






The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the friend asked the blonde,

“Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

If I had a dime for every girl who found me unattractive…..

Eventually they would find me attractive

Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They *fast* during Ramadan!

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

My boss calls me "the computer".

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I need to Re-Home a small Dog.

It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot. If you are interested.

Let me know and I will jump over my neighbours garden fence and get the fucker for you...........

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:

-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!

The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,

-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back and protect you from the whiplashes. Let's start.

The bodybuilder steps up, with full conviction, he chooses a large and heavy metal shield to protect his back. Then, Satan starts with the whiplashes,

1...2... And the shield breaks apart. The 3rd never came, the bodybuilder screamed 'Please NO, I give up!'

The Muslim steps forward this time. With a smug face, he asks for the physical manifestation of his faith to protect his back. He had done lots of terrible, violent things, but it was all in the name of faith and it would protect him now.

1...2...3...and his faith began to waver...4...5...6... And the sound of something breaking could be heard. Before there was a 7th, he cries out pathetically 'stop, stop, stop. Please stop!!'

Here comes the Buddhist monk's turn. He asks for no protection, for pain is in the mind, he will hide behind nothing, and his body would endure any torment!

1...2...3... And he grits his teeth...4...5...6... Tears could be seen in his eyes...7...8...9...10... There is snot coming out of his nose and his back is badly mutilated. But he made it.

Now it's the American's turn. He is asked, by Satan, what does he choose to protect his back. The American ponders for a little while, and then calmly says,

-The monk.

Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

I knew a girl who had sex with her horse.

She said that they were in a stable relationship

My favorite memory from childhood is making sandcastles with my grandfather...

...until my mother took the urn away.

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots herself in the knee"

I got a new job as a carpenter.

The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evil, sadistic terrorists they were, they decided to force every adult in the village to play a game. The terrorists made every adult woman in the village put on blindfolds, and made every adult man line up side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and drop their pants.

At this point the terrorists announced that if a woman could correctly identify her husband by his.. junk, that couple would be allowed to live and be set free. But if a woman guessed wrong, the terrorists would kill both that woman and her husband.

The game begins, and the first blindfolded woman starts going down the line of men: "Not mine, not mine, not mine, husband!" And she was right. So being the ethical terrorists they were, those two were set free.

The second woman starts going down the line, "Not mine, not mine, not mine not mine not mine, husband!" And she was right as well, so those two were set free.

At this point, the terrorists were growing a bit bored with their game, and so a couple of the terrorists decided they themselves would drop their pants and mix into the middle of the line with the rest of the village men.

The game resumes, and it's the third woman's turn. She starts going down the line of men and says, "Not mine, not mine, not from village, not mine, husband!"

how do you know when your girlfriends getting chubby?

She fits in your wife's clothes

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.

The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.

"My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions". "What are the conditions, Your Holiness?"

"First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind".

"It will be so, what about the next condition?"

"For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf".

"Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?"

"Big tits".

Stolen drug money..

A druglord learns that one of his most trusted crew members has skimmed off nearly $500K in cash from his drug operation.

Donnie, the crewman is completely deaf, which was the reason he got the job in the first place. The boss assumed he would overhear nothing and so he would never be able to testify in court.

When the boss goes to confront Donnie about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. He tells the lawyer, "Ask him where my money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks , "Where's the money?" Donnie signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the druglord, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about?"

The druglord pulls out a pistol, puts it to the Donnie's head and says, "Ask him again. And this time make it clear if he doesn't tell me I'll kill him right here and now!" The lawyer signs to Donnie once more, "He's gonna kill you if you don't tell him where the money is right now."

Donnie looks into the boss's eyes and sees no way out. Out of options and out of time he reluctantly signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a waterproof satchel, buried behind my cousin Pablo's cabin."

The boss raises an eyebrow and asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the fucking trigger."

I was drunk at a club last night

Saw this gorgeous girl dancing with her friends, and full of drink and bravado I managed to stumble up to her and said, “Duck my sick”

She laughed at me and said, “I think you mean ‘suck my dick’”

I then threw up all over her and said, “Nope”

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house and says: “You owe me money,”
“For what?” Panda Asks, The woman rolls her eyes and explains: “I'm a prostitute.”

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says: “Well, I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up.”
She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads: “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

I saw an ad selling Russian rifles online.

Never been fired and only dropped once!

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!" The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

I’ll never forget my father’s last words before he died…

“Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!”

Man walks into a sex shop

Man: Excuse me do you have a copy of that magazine for men with really small cocks?

Assistant: Oh it's not in yet

Man: Yes, that's the one

Another great thing ruined by period.

Daddy, what is politics?

A small boy asks his Dad: “Daddy, what is politics?”

Dad says: “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father: “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says: “Very Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies: “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and The Future is in Deep Shit.”

A man goes to a funeral

He goes up to the widow and asks,

“Mind if I say a word?"

she says: "Please do."

The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

A man takes his dad to an old peoples home.

When they arrive the father instantly dislikes the place and wants to leave immediately, the son tried to comfort his sad "Come on Dad, you have just got here, give it one night at least and see how you feel" and the father reluctantly agrees.

Later that night after his shower he goes to his room, when he gets there he finds a nurse waiting and to his surprise she walks up to him, opens his dressing gown and gives him a blowjob.

The next morning the father rings his son and much to his delight says "Yep, you are right son, I love it here, I am staying."

A little later on in the day he is walking along a hallway and he falls over, a fellow resident who happens to be gay spots him and takes the opportunity to have sex with the guys father while in the floor. He rings his son straight afterward and says "Nope, I hate it here, I want to leave, come and get me right now" the son replies "What do you mean Dad, you was telling me you loved it there this morning, what is up?"

To which the father replies "Yes, well I only have a shower once a week, I fall over 5 times a day."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres.

It was just a stage I was going through.

What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?