My Fear List
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FearREMINDER to selfDate of Conquertype Atype Btype Ctype Dtype Etype Ftype Gtype HWhat part of myself will this challenge?Did I feel like I was going to barf?Did I feel un-comfortable?Did the thought of doing this excite me?Will I do this again/ continue to do this?Do I need more practice to conquer fear fully?Initial Questions, Thoughts, Feelings In My HeadReality ExperiencedBonuses I Didn't Expect or RealizeOther Observations, Reflections, or NotesPersonalCommunityAdventureService
ride bike on Portland streets8/14/2016xmental strengthyesyesyesyesyesWhat if I fall off? What if other bikers or cars are annoyed because I'm an obvious beginner? What if I don't know which way to go or how to follow bike lane routes? What if I don't get the process for returning the shared bike?I survived even when crossing a car lane to keep on bike lane just by paying attention to signage and surroundings, and trusting myself, with patience. When I had a question about road closure due to Pedalpalooza, a pedestrian even helped ease my concern with biking down a road with a closed sign. I also helped three different first-timers on how to return the bike correctly on the rack.Even though I felt like I was going to barf, as soon as I was pedaling down the road, feeling the breeze on my face, I smiled. And I felt myself beaming with a smile the whole ride, even after I started sweating and even when I knew I was running late to the conference start. It was also physical excercise, and I think physiologically I'm not able to feel the stress in my stomach (from knowing I'm late, for example) when I'm moving. That's a plus. On my way back, I went down the esplanade and loved riding along the river, feeling like I'm seeing another part of the city, and feeling, in a way, more a part of the community.first ride was on a Sunday morning. Need to practice on weekdays, with more car
post a selfie8/14/2016xxfear of looking vainnoyesnoyesyesUgh, who wants to see just a photo of me? Why do I feel the need to do this? I do love to document and really want and need to document conquering my first fear. I feel exactly what Kendra was saying... like I want to barf... and I want to remember this because I do know in my heart of hearts that I'm going to be okay. But I still want to remember this moment.I took a photo and my lips looked kind of weird not to mention the helmet, but I liked the sun in the background and though the bike wasn't quite in the picture, I felt it perfectly captured that barf feeling moment that I wanted to remember and I kind of loved the sun beaming in the background. Plus, I knew I was already running late to the conference, so I just went on my way. At the first WDS break, I took some time solo to post - honestly, I was so excited by the experience of completing this that I wanted to share it and I knew by doing it, I would feel accountable to myself to keep doing things. Currently, two days later, I have 74 FB likes, 8 Twitter likes, and 45 Instagram likes which is among the highest, if not the highest, on these platforms for me. The overwhelming support and interest in what I was doing in tackling my fears. More than likes and loves were the comments that struck me: "you look like a superhero" (not from a WDS'er) and the overwhelming support (from Kendra herself and from a former neighbor who offered to help be my guide) and also, which I loved even more was a current neighbor who commented: "Omg can we go sometime? I too need to conquer that one." It made me realize the good things about social media again, and the power that it has to build community and positivity in the world. The support also gave me the confidence to document the rest of my fears and the feeling that I almost have a responsibility to do it now, as it could help others going through similar fears.x
wear shorts in public8/15/2016xxxfear of people seeing my spider veins and thick thighsnoyesnoyesyesWhat if I run into someone on the elevator? What if my shorts start riding up? What if people see my spider veins? What will they think? What if people who like big butts or thick thighs notice? What if I make people uncomfortable with the skin I'm showing?It felt nice to not have to change from my apt-wear to outdoor wear to go on Nessa's evening walk. I didn't see anyone in the elevator and I didn't notice the gentleman in his car until I passed him. My shorts did ride up and I was conscious of how I may have looked fixing it, but it was dark and I felt okay about it. I also videotaped my legs walking to document my fear conquering and thought, hey they aren't that bad.I guess feeling okay about videotaping my bare mid-thighs while walking.first walk was at night/dark and only passed one gentleman in a carx
ask for help8/15/2016xxfear of looking irresponsible or unable to take care of myselfnoyesnoyesyesWhat if they view me as irresponsible? Or helpless? Or as a burden? Or not self-sufficient?It was nice just connecting with my property manager as we have a friendly relationship. Within seconds of asking her, she asked our maintenance man who said yes and he met me at my car. Within minutes, the car was started and I was all set. I did not feel like a burden at all.It was nice to make a personal connection with Robbie. He was great at answering my questions on how-to jump start a car like red-on-red and what order to hook each up. He was really a great teacher and seemed to enjoy sharing his knowledge and skills with me. Hopefully, it brought him some joy. first time was to ask new friend, then property manager>maintenance for a jump for my carxx
walk alone through Industrial NW PDX right before sundown8/16/2016xfear of unknown, more desolate areasnoyesnononoI hope this is a safe walk. Why did I not realize that I'd be walking through this area? Oh, I know, because my car battery died and this was a spur of the moment decision. I better let someone know where I am, just in case something happens. I hate desolate areas, especially with barbed wire fences. Nothing good happens in these places. Lots of women have been getting assaulted and killed lately, from what I hear on the news. I need to walk confidently and not look like I'm nervous, just in case. I wonder if I'm going to miss my opportunity to get a tattoo now that I'm arriving later.The reality was scary, but probably in my head. I didn't pass anyone except a car that I think was filled with people heading to the WDS Closing Party. The walk was only about 15 minutes and I realized that singing aloud "you are safe... you are safe..." really calmed me down. Before I knew it, I saw a corner bar that was familiar and felt comfortable with the people in the area. And it was free to walk. Once I arrived in line, I was able to talk to three people (couple and sister of the guy) while we waited. I then went straight to the tattoo line upon entering and got on the list, though I later didn't make the actual cut.I decided to take an Uber home and was able to bond with the driver about the shady area. By sharing my walk to the spot, he shared with me his last pickup in a shady area. It was a bonding, stay safe, sort of experience that felt nice. Also, regarding the tattoo, now I can get it with the support of my gbf, coming to town next
publish my writing in a blog platform8/17/2016xfear of it not being perfecta littlenoyes, the writing felt freeing and that was excitingyesit will helpAm I too wordy? Are people going to want to read this? Do I make sense? Well, I guess it's really just for me. But I hope it resonates with someone else too. Should I have waited until I had some photos? I'm not super sure if I should share my full fear list. What if someone thinks I'm weird or wrong for having some of my fears? That's kind of ridiculous since they are MY fears. Should I have asked permission to list the quotes from the conference? Or is it better to ask forgiveness instead of permission? It feels so good to write though. I just feel really good writing. Just a little stressed trying to get it organized and hoping it makes sense.
get a tattoo9/3/2016xfear of making a wrong, permanent decisionyesnot reallyyesmaybenoAt closing party, felt really strong about my decision but consciously had to remind myself to shut out doubts. Within the three weeks between closing party and today, felt like I just wanted to get it done since I had made the decision already.The act of getting it down was a little uncomfortable pain-wise, but not a big deal. I was happy to have my best friend next to me holding my hand so I guess it was better that I got it done with her vs. at the closing party. It also gave me some time to be more confident in my decision. It's now a part of me and it is not something I can see myself regretting ever because it's a moment in my life that I want to remember. Plus, it's in a spot not many people, if anyone, will see but me.I just feel stronger, mentally to be able to make a decision and do it. I didn't expect to realize that it can be so transferable to the rest of my life and other decisions I will want to and have to make. Again, what's the BEST that can happen?I can totally understand why people say tattoos are addictive.
travel alone within the USyou did this in NC and Vancover/ Seattle9/10/2016xjust fear of unknownnot totally, but moments a littleyesyesI think it would be good for meexcitement but then followed by doubt when I arrived and there was a whole downpour and I was sitting in my airbnb alone. Once I got goign to exploring, that all went away.Such friendly people. I was able to really get to know a few people over the course of a short period of time, which is kind of cool and wasn't necessarily expected.Potential connections for future traveling.I need to travel more. Maybe even set up some month-long stays in different cities because feeling like a local is so great when traveling.xx
travel to meet my Bachelorette contestant crush9/12/2016xfear of being uncomfortable/ perceived as crazya little, right before enteringyes, definitely upon walking inyes, the idea of itprobably notnope, got it.Why am I doing this? I am not going to know anyone and this is going to be super awkward.He was ridiculously nice and I ended up meeting someone sitting me and talked with him the whole night.I got over kissing the first person after a six year relationship though not with my initial crush.It's always worth going out of your comfort zone. Trust your gut. You don't know who you'll meet or what you'll learn.x
leave my FT job for unconventional workyou've done this before, a few times
share personal story on stage/for audienceyou did this at every youth group retreat growing up
wear a mini-skirt in publicyou've done this in the past
audition for an acting roleyou did this in grammar school. Remember, Tessie in Little Orphan Annie!
film/photograph my self in public (selfie)you've done it before, you have
go somewhere without GPSyou did this before there was GPS and you figured it out
quit my job to start my own businessyou did this in 2013
cut my hair shortyou did this in Spain
fully commit to someone in a relationshipyou did this in 2010
travel alone in another countryyou did this when going to Lake Antigua in Guatemalayes
interview for a jobreminder: you did this already
start a businessreminder: you did this already
spend 24 hours without cell phonereminder: you did this alreadyxx
eat burger from McDonaldsreminder: you did this alreadyxx
wear bright, patterned pantsreminder: you did this alreadyxx
start a conversation with homeless personreminder: you did this already
hand out cards/samples of nesbits on streetreminder: you did this already
go campingreminder: you did this already
do a hallucinagenic drugreminder: you did this already
paint apartment wallsreminder: you did this already
ask for forgivenessreminder: you did this already
ask my crush out on a datereminder: you did this already
complete the Naked Bike Ride
go scuba diving
fly in a helicopter
run a marathon
complete a triathalon
complete a ToughMudder
travel to Pyramids
go into a beehive
shadow in an ER
ride-along with a cop
ride-along with a fire squad
speak to homeless in Portland
perform a flamenco routine on stage
crowd surf at a concert
model nude for artists
ride a motorcycle
dive off a cliff
rock climb
observe an autopsy
observe embalming
break down an animal
do a backflip
go platinum blonde
hold and pet a rat
hold a snake around my neck
masturbate/orgasm in front of partner
publish a video/vlog
lift a dumbbell weight
read an original poem at slam night
play a ukelele song for audience
give someone a haircut
shadow vet procedure (pet going under)
rely on myself/own business for $
go to an improv class
sell a handwriting art piece that I create
complete a DIY home project
lead an aerobics class
make and wear my own Halloween costume
ride a mechanical bull
shave my headxx
cook for a dinner party
window wash a tall building
have a childx
get marriedx
babysit a newborn alone
adopt a senior dog
hike Mt. Hood
start a dance in a public place
go skydiving
get hypnotized
go to Crossfit
take part in a protest
post fontwork in Etsy store
paint handwriting on wall
attend Islamic synagogue ceremony
attend service at gospel church
approach a celebrity/ someone I follow in non-related reality
apply for graduate school
take the GRE's
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