ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP
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Tweet IdTextNameScreen NameUTCCreated AtFavoritesRetweetsLanguageClientTweet TypeURLsHashtagsMentionsMedia TypeMedia URLs
2
1569424434171154444
My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-12T20:35:18.000Z
Mon Sep 12 20:35:18 +0000 2022
1162141en
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Tweet00
3
1569392651392192512
My boss calls me “The Computer”.

Nothing to do with my intelligence - I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-12T18:29:00.000Z
Mon Sep 12 18:29:00 +0000 2022
1260155en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
4
1569392287406252038
My tinder date and I decided to meet at a gym for our first date, but she never showed.

That’s when I knew we weren’t going to workout.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-12T18:27:33.000Z
Mon Sep 12 18:27:33 +0000 2022
64452en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
5
1569392186617221121
I don't like Orion's Belt.

It's a huge waist of space		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-12T18:27:09.000Z
Mon Sep 12 18:27:09 +0000 2022
44332en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
6
1569299176042729473
What word starts with E and ends with
E but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-12T12:17:34.000Z
Mon Sep 12 12:17:34 +0000 2022
1525157en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
7
1569060166330470406
Is “buttcheeks" one word?

Or should I spread them apart?		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-11T20:27:50.000Z
Sun Sep 11 20:27:50 +0000 2022
1837194en
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Tweet00
8
1569059927175340034
My wife screamed "you haven't
listened to a single word I've said, have
you?!

I was taken aback....what a weird way
to start a conversation.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-11T20:26:53.000Z
Sun Sep 11 20:26:53 +0000 2022
4213301en
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Tweet00
9
1569025611892391937
One of the lesser known Greek philosophers believed that it was acceptable to live an unremarkable life. His name?

Mediocrites.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-11T18:10:31.000Z
Sun Sep 11 18:10:31 +0000 2022
68980en
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Tweet00
10
1568964598086377476
I met my wife at the glue factory where we both worked.

We bonded immediately.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-11T14:08:04.000Z
Sun Sep 11 14:08:04 +0000 2022
93179en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
11
1568934467930144769
Thinking of having my ashes stored in a
glass urn.

Remains to be seen.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-11T12:08:21.000Z
Sun Sep 11 12:08:21 +0000 2022
1232124en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
12
1568702992420839424
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible
ink last night.

I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be
seen.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-10T20:48:33.000Z
Sat Sep 10 20:48:33 +0000 2022
1620167en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
13
1568702467600252928
Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil.

They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-10T20:46:28.000Z
Sat Sep 10 20:46:28 +0000 2022
50462en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
14
1568702203443183616
When Billy Joel's house burned down, the fire marshal blamed a faulty gaming console...

However, Mr Joel remains steadfast that Wii didn't start the fire.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-10T20:45:25.000Z
Sat Sep 10 20:45:25 +0000 2022
75878en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
15
1568611407192813570
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace
And Ouiet."

Kids meals only $150.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-10T14:44:37.000Z
Sat Sep 10 14:44:37 +0000 2022
68455en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
16
1568611183384567808
What did one saggy boob say to the
other saggy boob?

If we don't get the proper support,
people will think we're nuts.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-10T14:43:44.000Z
Sat Sep 10 14:43:44 +0000 2022
1131103en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
17
1568581329343717377
What does jeff bezos do before bed?

He puts his pyjamazon.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-10T12:45:06.000Z
Sat Sep 10 12:45:06 +0000 2022
920113en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
18
1568346204475375616
85% of Americans don't know how to
do basic math.

Thank God I'm part of the other 25%.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-09T21:10:48.000Z
Fri Sep 09 21:10:48 +0000 2022
1680125en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
19
1568214407641026560
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons
to leave you, plus your obsession with
Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-09T12:27:05.000Z
Fri Sep 09 12:27:05 +0000 2022
5022317en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
20
1568208690750144512
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I'm living in a flat.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-09T12:04:22.000Z
Fri Sep 09 12:04:22 +0000 2022
94993en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
21
1568181268537376770
What has five toes and isn’t your foot?

My foot.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-09T10:15:24.000Z
Fri Sep 09 10:15:24 +0000 2022
65958en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
22
1568180539592527874
My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.

Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-09T10:12:30.000Z
Fri Sep 09 10:12:30 +0000 2022
69771en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
23
1568180337192099840
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician.

And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-09T10:11:42.000Z
Fri Sep 09 10:11:42 +0000 2022
9154733en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
24
1567866240139501575
I bought a new sofa yesterday. The assistant told me it will seat five people without a problem.

Where am I going to find five people without a problem?		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-08T13:23:35.000Z
Thu Sep 08 13:23:35 +0000 2022
1242142en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
25
1567866069083103233
What did one friend say to the other when it was time to leave the bar?

Alcohol later?		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-08T13:22:55.000Z
Thu Sep 08 13:22:55 +0000 2022
31420en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
26
1567831072313843712
My son said he was smart so I asked him to spell it.

“S-M-A-R-T” he said.

I’ve never been more disappointed.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-08T11:03:51.000Z
Thu Sep 08 11:03:51 +0000 2022
76284en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
27
1567586763392139264
Just so everybody's clear.

I'm going to put my glasses on.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-07T18:53:03.000Z
Wed Sep 07 18:53:03 +0000 2022
1105125en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
28
1567584111165952001
I was confused when my printer started playing music..

Until I realized the paper was jamming.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-07T18:42:31.000Z
Wed Sep 07 18:42:31 +0000 2022
1452182en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
29
1567583961752244226
How do Mr. and Mrs. Potato head solve their arguments?

They hash it out.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-07T18:41:55.000Z
Wed Sep 07 18:41:55 +0000 2022
56250en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
30
1567554864867155969
I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-07T16:46:18.000Z
Wed Sep 07 16:46:18 +0000 2022
1169122en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
31
1567245855459000323
How do you deal with a sad astronaut?

Just give them some space.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-06T20:18:24.000Z
Tue Sep 06 20:18:24 +0000 2022
1360168en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
32
1567245584414789633
I wrote a book on how to fall down the
stairs.

It's a step by step guide.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-06T20:17:19.000Z
Tue Sep 06 20:17:19 +0000 2022
107792en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
33
1567245495436804103
My dad told me his password is:
MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHuey
LouieDewevDublin.

Because he was told his password
had to contain 8 characters and at
least one Capital.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-06T20:16:58.000Z
Tue Sep 06 20:16:58 +0000 2022
1198149en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
34
1567245304012980224
I recently bought a toilet brush.

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-06T20:16:13.000Z
Tue Sep 06 20:16:13 +0000 2022
88988en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
35
1567048024139997185
One harp says to another, "You're too small to be a harp!"

The other says "What, you callin' me a lyre?”		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-06T07:12:17.000Z
Tue Sep 06 07:12:17 +0000 2022
72580en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
36
1567047847262015488
What’s the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-06T07:11:35.000Z
Tue Sep 06 07:11:35 +0000 2022
50751en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
37
1567047624892489728
What would happen if a piano fell on you.

You’d b-flat.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-06T07:10:42.000Z
Tue Sep 06 07:10:42 +0000 2022
85689en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
38
1566842291733626883
What do lawyers wear to work?

Law suits…		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-05T17:34:47.000Z
Mon Sep 05 17:34:47 +0000 2022
1485151en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
39
1566708406882390016
What's the toughest part of being a
vegan?

Keeping it to yourself.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-05T08:42:46.000Z
Mon Sep 05 08:42:46 +0000 2022
1526162en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
40
1566503598674124800
Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers
here.

A time traveler walks into a bar.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-04T19:08:56.000Z
Sun Sep 04 19:08:56 +0000 2022
102499en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
41
1566434885723721728
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-04T14:35:54.000Z
Sun Sep 04 14:35:54 +0000 2022
1090146en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
42
1566383866796974084
I taught my pet wolf how to meditate.

Now he's aware wolf.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-04T11:13:10.000Z
Sun Sep 04 11:13:10 +0000 2022
1697207en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
43
1566379385317376000
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-04T10:55:22.000Z
Sun Sep 04 10:55:22 +0000 2022
79987en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
44
1566132602821656578
Yesterday I ate a clock, it was very time
consuming.

Especially when I went back for
seconds.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-03T18:34:44.000Z
Sat Sep 03 18:34:44 +0000 2022
1369142en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
45
1566062228972994560
My wife has just gone into labor, and I'm reading her some of the funny jokes, but she doesn't seem to be amused.

It must be the delivery…		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-03T13:55:06.000Z
Sat Sep 03 13:55:06 +0000 2022
88271en
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Tweet00
46
1565999390061432832
What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-03T09:45:24.000Z
Sat Sep 03 09:45:24 +0000 2022
2014207en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
47
1565999064390533120
I had to fire my fruit delivery driver
today.

I hate to let the mango but he was
driving me bananas.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-03T09:44:06.000Z
Sat Sep 03 09:44:06 +0000 2022
71273en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
48
1565998588622258176
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-03T09:42:13.000Z
Sat Sep 03 09:42:13 +0000 2022
111075en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
49
1565767095631101953
What's the difference between a vegan
and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and
the other is disgusted by a lack of
RAM.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-02T18:22:20.000Z
Fri Sep 02 18:22:20 +0000 2022
781116en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
50
1565766898108825606
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-02T18:21:33.000Z
Fri Sep 02 18:21:33 +0000 2022
115191en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
51
1565764435586809864
I'm sorry but this is the President's Bathroom.

It's For Biden to use.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-02T18:11:46.000Z
Fri Sep 02 18:11:46 +0000 2022
69476en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
52
1565467070430646274
I can't remember how to write 1. 1000.
51. 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

IM LIVID		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-01T22:30:09.000Z
Thu Sep 01 22:30:09 +0000 2022
1224177en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
53
1565365867482947587
You think gas and electric prices are expensive, have you seen chimneys?

They're through the roof.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-01T15:48:00.000Z
Thu Sep 01 15:48:00 +0000 2022
1391174en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
54
1565365510165958657
What has five toes and isn't your foot?

My foot.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-01T15:46:35.000Z
Thu Sep 01 15:46:35 +0000 2022
91096en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
55
1565240806801395714
Did you hear about the ATM that was
addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-09-01T07:31:03.000Z
Thu Sep 01 07:31:03 +0000 2022
920105en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
56
1565109981023817728
If you eat aluminum foil…

You’ll sheet metal.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-31T22:51:12.000Z
Wed Aug 31 22:51:12 +0000 2022
1008115en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
57
1565109902695141378
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday.

As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-31T22:50:53.000Z
Wed Aug 31 22:50:53 +0000 2022
76791en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
58
1565109829655580674
Fun fact: Spock actually had three ears.

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-31T22:50:36.000Z
Wed Aug 31 22:50:36 +0000 2022
87193en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
59
1564951618193342464
I lost three fingers on my right hand, so
l asked my doctor if I would still be able
to write with it.

He said: "Maybe, but I wouldn't count
On it."		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-31T12:21:55.000Z
Wed Aug 31 12:21:55 +0000 2022
1822170en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
60
1564933453228941313
My wife said 'You really have no sense of direction, do you ?'

I said, 'where did that come from ?'		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-31T11:09:44.000Z
Wed Aug 31 11:09:44 +0000 2022
1647165en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
61
1564727204327587846
A history degree is useless.

There's no future in it.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-30T21:30:11.000Z
Tue Aug 30 21:30:11 +0000 2022
1810137en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
62
1564645811518160897
My friend was kidnapped by mimes.

They did unspeakable things to him.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-30T16:06:45.000Z
Tue Aug 30 16:06:45 +0000 2022
990117en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
63
1564645730802929665
What did the electrician’s boss say when he came late to work?

Wire you insulate?		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-30T16:06:26.000Z
Tue Aug 30 16:06:26 +0000 2022
82586en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
64
1564645604067868673
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-30T16:05:56.000Z
Tue Aug 30 16:05:56 +0000 2022
100693en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
65
1564609872137789455
What do you call a man in debt?

Owen.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-30T13:43:57.000Z
Tue Aug 30 13:43:57 +0000 2022
91570en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
66
1564496751310020609
I'm not a fan of elevator music.

It's bad on so many levels.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-30T06:14:27.000Z
Tue Aug 30 06:14:27 +0000 2022
2038169en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
67
1564318656972169216
What's the difference between a vegan
and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and
the other is disgusted by a lack of
RAM.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-29T18:26:46.000Z
Mon Aug 29 18:26:46 +0000 2022
1441194en
<a href="http://twitter.com/download/iphone" rel="nofollow">Twitter for iPhone</a>
Tweet00
68
1564269152528994305
What's the different between Black
Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-29T15:10:03.000Z
Mon Aug 29 15:10:03 +0000 2022
1415146en
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Where do spiders seek health advice?

WebMD.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-29T08:35:23.000Z
Mon Aug 29 08:35:23 +0000 2022
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-28T16:17:43.000Z
Sun Aug 28 16:17:43 +0000 2022
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Don't worry about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-28T13:29:21.000Z
Sun Aug 28 13:29:21 +0000 2022
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My wife is thinking of leaving me
because of my obsession with poker.

But I think she's bluffing.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-28T11:56:58.000Z
Sun Aug 28 11:56:58 +0000 2022
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I asked seven billionaires, “What's the secret to your success?" and they all
said the same thing…

"How did you get into my mansion?"		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-28T11:56:22.000Z
Sun Aug 28 11:56:22 +0000 2022
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Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my
shoulders.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-27T20:25:33.000Z
Sat Aug 27 20:25:33 +0000 2022
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I quit my job at the Helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-27T16:21:04.000Z
Sat Aug 27 16:21:04 +0000 2022
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-27T08:59:38.000Z
Sat Aug 27 08:59:38 +0000 2022
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What do you do if you see two snails fighting.

Nothing, just let them slug it out.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-27T08:58:05.000Z
Sat Aug 27 08:58:05 +0000 2022
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My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly…

I'm not a fan.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-26T22:22:06.000Z
Fri Aug 26 22:22:06 +0000 2022
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Got drunk yesterday and threw up in
the elevator on my way back home.

It was disgusting on so many levels.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-26T17:39:47.000Z
Fri Aug 26 17:39:47 +0000 2022
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You should really try blindfolded archery.

You don’t know what you’re missing.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-26T15:30:55.000Z
Fri Aug 26 15:30:55 +0000 2022
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When I was young, I was poor. But after years of struggle…

I’m no longer young.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-26T15:30:01.000Z
Fri Aug 26 15:30:01 +0000 2022
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Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

He got lost at C.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-26T15:29:29.000Z
Fri Aug 26 15:29:29 +0000 2022
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What do you call a cow in an
earthquake?

A milkshake.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-25T20:25:14.000Z
Thu Aug 25 20:25:14 +0000 2022
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I gave my friend an apple - he told
me he preferred pears.

So I gave him another apple.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-25T17:00:28.000Z
Thu Aug 25 17:00:28 +0000 2022
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Dogs don’t make good MRI operators.

But cats can.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-25T10:52:44.000Z
Thu Aug 25 10:52:44 +0000 2022
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I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it’s terminal.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-25T10:52:20.000Z
Thu Aug 25 10:52:20 +0000 2022
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I've just been accepted for a senior position at the Old McDonald's Farm.

I'll be the new CIEIO.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T19:22:45.000Z
Wed Aug 24 19:22:45 +0000 2022
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Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2².		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T19:21:49.000Z
Wed Aug 24 19:21:49 +0000 2022
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Gravity is one of the most fundamental
forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get…

Gravy.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T15:22:58.000Z
Wed Aug 24 15:22:58 +0000 2022
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What's the difference between a
literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T15:20:26.000Z
Wed Aug 24 15:20:26 +0000 2022
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What do you call a laughing
motorcycle?

A yamahahahaha.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T15:19:23.000Z
Wed Aug 24 15:19:23 +0000 2022
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says, "Olive or Twist?"		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T09:09:32.000Z
Wed Aug 24 09:09:32 +0000 2022
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I used to be a bus driver but I had to quit.

I was fed up of people talking behind my back.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T09:08:14.000Z
Wed Aug 24 09:08:14 +0000 2022
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A genie granted me one wish - so I wished to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-24T09:07:53.000Z
Wed Aug 24 09:07:53 +0000 2022
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water.

Therefore, the Earth is flat.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-23T19:00:48.000Z
Tue Aug 23 19:00:48 +0000 2022
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My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-23T18:50:57.000Z
Tue Aug 23 18:50:57 +0000 2022
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-23T18:50:13.000Z
Tue Aug 23 18:50:13 +0000 2022
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How much does a roof cost?

Nothing. It’s on the house.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-23T18:43:27.000Z
Tue Aug 23 18:43:27 +0000 2022
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My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning.

It was a booby trap.		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-23T12:47:46.000Z
Tue Aug 23 12:47:46 +0000 2022
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Did you hear about the optician who
made the biggest monocle in the
world?

It was a huge spectacle!		Dad JokesDadsaysjokes
2022-08-23T12:21:07.000Z
Tue Aug 23 12:21:07 +0000 2022
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