Dead Winner -- Beta Reader Comments -- master

Yes, it’s a very good hook and setup, and it leaves me wanting to know more. The dynamic between Rory and Monica is intriguing.

Monica killed him -- This is very likely, and I’m inclined to say yes. There are hints peppered here and there, like the fact that she gave two different answers about if the body was moved or not (I’m surprised the detectives didn’t call her out on that). I also think there were too many convenient responses as to why she didn’t check her messages all day. Her body language in Rory’s office suggested that she was having some issues with Tom, so killing him and enjoying all the lottery spoils is a plausible motivation.

I’m invested. I think the pacing has been good so far and Rory is an interesting character. I do think this chapter could use more of a sense of urgency about finding the missing/moved ticket, as that’s a major plot point that seemed glossed over for the sake of moving on to the Rory/Monica dynamic at his apartment.

Your audience will still be invested. There are plenty of interesting setups going on.

I would say my level of interest is around the same. There are still the mysteries of how Tom died, if it was a suicide, and if he was involved in anything illegal. There’s also the lottery ticket, and the mystery of what happened to that. Plenty of things to keep me wanting more.

Still waiting for more information. Based on what we know about the crime scene, a suicide is still very plausible, especially if he was worried about being mixed up with shady characters. I haven’t forgotten about Monica’s occasionally bizarre behavior either, though, such as moving the body and picking up the gun for no apparent reason. Based on this previous chapter, she’s also moved on shockingly quickly from her husband’s death. Not to mention, she seems to have a “damsel in distress” sort of demeanor during certain parts of the story. Not sure if that’s intentional or not, but all of this does make me believe she could be involved somehow.

I haven’t connected too much with the subplots and side characters at this point. I do get why they are necessary, but they mainly seem to be there to confirm suspicions we’ve already had about Tom.

I still think her behavior from the start has been a little odd (not answering her phone the day Tom died, the crime scene interference, etc.), but there are also reasons to think that it’s simply due to stress from everything going on. I’m cautiously optimistic that she isn’t involved in Tom’s death, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if I found out that she was.

I think the romance is intriguing and serves as a proper motivation as to why Rory is going so far out of his way to help her.

Yes, it’s still intriguing. I do think we’ve spent a little too much time speculating on Tom’s possible embezzlement, and I’m ready to find out more about the ticket itself.

The pacing seems okay so far, save for some long exposition here and there (mainly when it comes to the technological and financial talk). The mention of the boat was a good way to end the first half, as it’s a way for our heroes to recover from a brutal setback. In my opinion, I think at least a mention of the boat early on could serve as an effective use of Chekov’s Gun.

Rory has been a good main character with a believable motive. Monica has been interesting too, and I feel like there’s more to her that we aren’t getting just yet.

Still hard to say for sure. Throwing Gallata into the mix was a nice touch, though he doesn’t seem like a “main antagonist” kind of guy. Northrup seems shady, too.

Can’t say I do. It’s a pretty tight mystery at this point.

I’d still like to know more about the dynamic between Monica and Breonna. I’m surprised we haven’t gotten more than a couple of brief mentions about her from Monica.

Tom’s cancer changes a lot. It tells me that he and/or Monica had some kind of plan to secure their money before he died.

Hard to say. There’s still plenty of shadiness with Northrup, Buster, and who the mysterious bitcoin guy is. There’s also Monica herself. Her affection for Rory seems genuine, but the fact that she hadn’t brought up Tom’s condition by now makes her suspicious. Even if Tom hadn’t told her about the cancer, she had to have noticed his declining health.

The scenes between them are good. It’s believable that Monica would go for a gentle soul like Rory after being with someone like Tom. And I do like that she gives Rory motivation to be braver and more assertive. I do still think Monica’s “Oh Rory, my hero!” demeanor can be taken down a notch, as she sometimes comes across like Olive Oyl from the Popeye cartoons.

Everything is sequenced properly from what I can tell. You do well at orienting us with day and time.

Did Monica know about Rory having 3 million dollars when they initiated the plan? Also, did she know the whole time that Rory would have gone so far out of his way to help her? It seems like everything Rory did was supposed to be all a part of her plan, but it also seems very lucky for Monica that he ended up being so accommodating. [KGC: Yes -- I need to set this up better]

Outside of what I’d mentioned in my comments throughout the story, I think the continuity was overall good. As for character development, we get a good sense of who Monica and Rory are. Breonna was a good character with an interesting background. But after reading the last chapter, it made me wish we knew even more about her. I would have liked to have gotten to know her a little more throughout the course of the story. For characters like Buster, Northrup, and the detectives, it feels like they’re mainly there to fill their roles in the story, but I can’t say I connected much with them. They did their jobs as minor characters.

It comes across as a cautionary tale. Rory was thinking with the wrong organ. He put way too much trust and energy into Monica, and it bit him on the ass in so many different ways. It’s nice that he ends up with Heidi in the end, but it doesn’t feel like his character grew a whole lot throughout the story. While it’s true that he became more of a risk-taker, he did it more for Monica’s sake than for his own. Personally, I actually would have preferred if he rejected Heidi’s advances in the end. I think he needs to find happiness and confidence on his own rather than relying on a relationship to give that to him (that’s exactly the mistake he made with Monica).

I wondered at first if she’d murdered him, but after learning about the cancer, I realized she had to have had a different role in everything.

I think there were parts of it that were authentic, especially when she’d talked about the way Tom (allegedly) had treated her. But I did think it was always strange that she showered Rory with so much adoration right out of the gate. I’d mentioned a couple times throughout the story that her, “Oh Rory, my hero!” demeanor seemed off. It turned out to make sense based on her plan, but I still think her overly affectionate behavior toward Rory could be toned down in order to throw the readers off the scent.

A rule I use in TV and movies is, “If you don’t see the body, they aren’t dead.” I used that same tactic with this story, and turned out to be correct.

Can’t say I did, at least not until the last couple of chapters. I knew something was up with Monica and Breonna, but I think the way you presented the twist was well constructed. It wasn’t too obvious, but it also wasn’t completely out of left field.

Hoodie’s voice disguising, athleticism, and ability to flip Buster is what helped me realize it was Breonna in that moment. They were all well-placed clues. It’s something I happened to figure out, but it’s the kind of twist that I felt proud about figuring out (rather than feeling like it was too obvious).

I wouldn’t say the revelations at the end made me angry. Everything seemed properly set up and paid off, so overall, my sentiments are positive.

It was explained well, but I would have liked a little more about Breonna’s relationship with Tom and Monica. She must have been really close friends with them to have been such a major part of that scheme. As for Tom, I would have liked more closure on how Monica felt about him for real. She claimed he cheated on her and mistreated her, but she was obviously untrustworthy when telling Rory that. Was she truly devastated by Tom’s death? And how did she feel about not being able to share her life and wealth with him?

I feel mostly sympathy for Rory, and while he makes his share of mistakes, he really tries to better himself and be brave. As I had stated above, I think his biggest mistake was relying on Monica to become a better person. He gets engaged to Heidi in the end, but I never got a sense of how he is going to learn from his past mistakes and how he’s going to be more confident and less gullible moving forward.

I both hate and admire her. When I say I hate her, it’s a good thing, because I see her as the main villain of the story. She served that role well.

The romance/sex was appropriate for the story. It explains why Rory was so willing to go out of his way for Monica, and why Rory didn’t think as clearly as he should have at times.