I Know What Not To Do: On having kids (someday)

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Only a few of my friends have kids. Many plan to have them in the next five years and, statistically speaking, most will have them in the next ten. Given that parenting is one of the most important, concerning, and fascinating (isn't it fascinating? I find it so fascinating!) aspects of our lives; and given that people's attitudes seem to change so much once the calamity of parenthood has struck, I thought I'd do a little longitudinal study.

I called it I Know What Not To Do because that's what people tell me when I ask them how they plan to raise their kids.

Here's how it works: You write your answers here and send them to me. I will write an article about them (keeping your name and any other identifying details anonymous) and then when you have a kid I'll show it to you and we'll have a good larf.
You'll probably also at that time be given a chance to take it all back.

If you've already got kids, feel free to forward this highly scientific questionnaire to people who don't.
The more the merrier! Especially in the family bed!

Current age

Gender

Female

Male

Other

Prefer not to say

Clear selection

Name and email address

(if you want to be part of the follow up or to have the enlightening experience of reading your answers in 10 years)

At what age do you expect to start having kids?

How will you know you are 'ready' to become a parent?

What kind of birth do you expect to have? If you're not the one giving birth, what role do you expect to play in the labour process?

In a few words, please briefly describe your parenting philosophy.

How will your relationship with your baby best be characterized?

Parasitic

Symbiotic

Independent but Co-operative

Independent

Other (e.g. Oedipal)

Clear selection

What do children need most?

What do parents need most?

(please describe the needs *you* expect to have, as well as those of your partner, if any)

How will you feed your baby?

(if all goes well, e.g. no breastfeeding complications, allergies, etc.)

Breastfeeding

Formula Feeding

Early introduction to solids

Other (e.g. both breastfeeding and formula)

Other food products (e.g. Cool Whip, Grated Cheese Product, most kid cereals)

Clear selection

Where will your baby sleep?

In a crib in another room

In a crib/bassinet in the same room

In the family bed

Other (e.g. cradle board, carseat, Skinner box, etc.)

Clear selection

What will you do when your baby cries in the night?

Nurse/soothe back to sleep (even if it takes a long time)

Ignore it (let them cry it out even if it takes a long time)

Deliver a sermon on the distinction between night and day (damn straight that's gonna take a long time)

Nothing (my baby will never cry)

Clear selection

What will your top 5 priorities be as a new parent?

(please list from most to least important and/or add as you see fit: Getting back into shape, Connecting with the baby, Connecting with partner, Ensuring financial stability, Bonding with extended family, Writing thank-you cards, Sleeping as much as possible (and other forms of self-care), Meeting other new parents, Not going crazy, Having sex, Communing with God/Spiritual needs, Establishing breastfeeding, Staring at/Taking photos of the baby, Introducing the baby to friends, Ensuring your partner feels supported, Getting all that work you put aside for your mat leave done)

What do you "know not to do"?

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