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1 | Timestamp | What is YOUR assigned number? | What is the assigned number written on the paper you are assessing? | Please review the student's thesis statement. After reviewing, please validate the overall clarity and strength of this sentence. If the thesis statement is weak and unclear, please suggest how it may be improved. | Please rate the thesis statement. | What are the student's strongest supporting details in the body of the paper? (Use line numbers for reference.) Please explain with details. | Rate the student's ability to write specifically based on the prompt. | Please refer back to the AP Language Open Essay Rubric (http://teacherpages.hallco.org/webpages/jhardison/aplang.cfm). How would you score this student's essay. | What writing weaknesses should be the main focus for this student? | ||||||||||||
2 | 4/8/2013 14:24:40 | 20 | 127 | With the thesis, it's somewhat, if not clear at all. The flow just isn't there in order to fully grasp the concept and idea of what is trying to be said. Just about every sentenced seems a bit to simplified and amateur. Almost as If the writer is trying hard to make sound professional. There were a few sentences that could have been arranged differently, along with some word choice that just doesn't fit. Some suggestions to improve it could be to just speak as if you were talking normally.rather than trying to make sound wordy and professional. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Probably the best part of the essay was paragraph three. It was clear and to the point and sentence flow was right on the money. The use of words like aggressive, reflection and scrutiny really allow the reader to dive a bit forward to read the rest. | 3=Average | 1 | The main weaknesses would have to be the ability to make the sentences flow and be clear enough for the reader to adhere to the essay. Another major flaw would be grammar. Plenty of grammar mistakes. Grammar mistakes such as basic punctuation, nouns and pretty much the basic fundamentals of grammar. Overall, there was an attempt, but it wasn't a reading close enough to cohesiveness. | ||||||||||||
3 | 4/8/2013 14:26:06 | 24 | 204 | Weakness is clarity and to many out of place capital letters. The students overall statement is strong, and the student understands where the path of the other writer. Student has many good points. But I feel like u are arguing the point instead of telling how they are strong and how they set up the paper. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | How the writer separates the paragraphs by the two stories. | 4=Good | 4 | Going into detail more. Scuba dive :) | ||||||||||||
4 | 4/8/2013 14:28:04 | 40 | 124 | The thesis statement uses historical which is very good. It sets up the essay very well and the direction in which the writer is going to go is very clear. There was also some very good word choices. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | The third paragraph has good diction and nice supporting details. Examples from the text as well as the effect of the authors choices are given which allows the reader to better understand what points are being made. | 4=Good | The writer covered the topic, gave supporting details and the effectiveness of the authors work, however there was no depth in this essay. It would be helpful to focus on the satire since that's specifically what the prompt asks for. If more details were added then the essay would be drastically improved. | |||||||||||||
5 | 4/8/2013 14:28:18 | 25 | 208 | The thesis statement is good and is clear. It could be a little more detailed and a little better use of word choice, but overall it's a respectable thesis. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The writer gives great example of a analytical essay and its very textbook and clear,but there is no effect giving out to the reader.The writer should dumpster dive into the essay a little more and add describing details that cause an effect on the reader., | 3=Average | 4 | Textbook style overflow , meaning that it lacks that dash of description and eye grabbing detail . | ||||||||||||
6 | 4/8/2013 14:29:48 | 22 | 177 | The thesis statement was sufficient enough for the reader to acknowledge path in which this essay was taking. It is not a great statement because of the lack of detail. Of the thesis were to go more in depth with the addition of a little detail, it would have been a great thesis worthy of a 5. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The whole second and third pararagraph were great in detail, providing a great analysis on both points of view of the different groups of people in the prompt. These two paragraphs also provide great understanding from the writer towards the prompt. I can't specifically say which lines were better than others. They all provided great description of each standing point from the passage. | 4=Good | 6 | Over all the essay was good, I would only suggest the addition of detail to the thesis statement making for a better written first paragraph and a clearer point in the path the essay is going. | ||||||||||||
7 | 4/8/2013 14:31:04 | 23 | 121 | This thesis is very clear. It's not a great thesis, but you can understand and follow this essay easily. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | This student's strongest details are found in the third paragraph. In this paragraph, the student lists a term and mentions the effect. This student also tells the audience why Edward Wilson wrote in a satirical tone instead of a serious tone. | 3=Average | 5 | This student should mainly focus on diving in. This student does a great job naming toolbox terms, but this student fails to mention their effects. Improving this weakness could be the difference between passing and exceeding the AP exam. | ||||||||||||
8 | 4/8/2013 14:32:07 | 26 | 211 | The thesis statement seems undefined. The writer should make the location of the thesis statement in the essay more apparent. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The paragraph on the last page. It is the first time they really appear to try to analyze the satire in the essay. | 2=Poor | 2 | The writer must focus more on the prompt. The thesis was unclear and the writer must state on topic more. | ||||||||||||
9 | 4/8/2013 14:32:21 | 29 | 209 | The thesis wasn't clear, it fails to deal with adequately with the important part of the topic. Maybe you should try more to analyze instead of summarizing. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Throughout the whole passage you use a lot of textbox tool terms and you do a great job at telling the effect. | 3=Average | 4 | Going more in depth in your paper should be your main focus and work on clarity. | ||||||||||||
10 | 4/8/2013 14:33:00 | 30 | 202 | The thesis statement was hard to depict from the essay because there was serveral ideas within the first paragraph and it was unclear to the audience. The writer has a good grasp on the subject, although some thoughts are left unfinished by not showing the effect of the ideas he/she brought to light. I would like to advise the writer to focus more on the prompt because he/she didn't really answer the prompt. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The writers knowledge of different rhetorical strategies really made the essay stronger although some didn't follow the essay prompt. The writer has very good ideas but obstacles interfered with the full potential of the essay. | 2=Poor | 3 | The writer had several grammar mistakes. The writers paragraphs need to be indented so that it doesn't show up like two huge paragraphs. The writer needs to focus better on the essay prompt and it will really benefit the writers essay in bringing them closer to a higher score. | ||||||||||||
11 | 4/8/2013 14:33:14 | 30 | 202 | The thesis statement was hard to depict from the essay because there was serveral ideas within the first paragraph and it was unclear to the audience. The writer has a good grasp on the subject, although some thoughts are left unfinished by not showing the effect of the ideas he/she brought to light. I would like to advise the writer to focus more on the prompt because he/she didn't really answer the prompt. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The writers knowledge of different rhetorical strategies really made the essay stronger although some didn't follow the essay prompt. The writer has very good ideas but obstacles interfered with the full potential of the essay. | 2=Poor | 3 | The writer had several grammar mistakes. The writers paragraphs need to be indented so that it doesn't show up like two huge paragraphs. The writer needs to focus better on the essay prompt and it will really benefit the writers essay in bringing them closer to a higher score. | ||||||||||||
12 | 4/8/2013 14:33:36 | 22 | 177 | The thesis statement was sufficient enough for the reader to acknowledge path in which this essay was taking. It is not a great statement because of the lack of detail. Of the thesis were to go more in depth with the addition of a little detail, it would have been a great thesis worthy of a 5. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The whole second and third pararagraph were great in detail, providing a great analysis on both points of view of the different groups of people in the prompt. These two paragraphs also provide great understanding from the writer towards the prompt. I can't specifically say which lines were better than others. They all provided great description of each standing point from the passage. | 4=Good | 6 | Over all the essay was good, I would only suggest the addition of detail to the thesis statement making for a better written first paragraph and a clearer point in the path the essay is going. | ||||||||||||
13 | 4/8/2013 14:35:33 | 28 | 205 | Thesis is present in the writing. The thesis is a statement that could use a bit more depthness to it. It states what Wilson is trying to say, but if there was more elaboration to the thesis it would make the thesis even stronger. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | There weren't as many supporting details as there could be. They really help out with getting the students' point across. The first paragraph is like a summary, but when it gets to the thesis it has potential to get stronger details. | 3=Average | 4 | I feel that the thought was there, but most of the time it was repeating the thesis in different ways. Adding some examples from the text to support ideas would be a good way to bring in more details. If more time was given, I think that there would be more details and more explanation from Wilson using satirical elements. | ||||||||||||
14 | 4/8/2013 14:36:41 | 38 | 200 | The student's thesis is the "cookie-cutter thesis". The thesis needs more intricate words. For example, instead of "show" he/she should use words like: present, display, or exhibit. Words like those make the writing "spice" up. The thesis is clear, but could use a little bit more polishing that could take it to the next level. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The use of metaphors to make comparisons was a good touch to the essay. The use of more supporting details from the passage would make the essay a 5 or 6. | 3=Average | 3 | More supporting details could boost up the essay. | ||||||||||||
15 | 4/8/2013 14:37:15 | 31 | 201 | The thesis statement is headed the right way but is a little vague in detailing how the two sides are distinct in their ideology. The student could include stronger support to the thesis by including several factors that leads to clarity of the meaning. The student could also learn new methods of analyzing an essay | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The student uses great listing sentence structure to describe how the opposing sides differ. They also have great word choice and use of verbs. | 4=Good | 5 | Improvement of the writing of a thesis should be the main focus. | ||||||||||||
16 | 4/8/2013 14:39:12 | 21 | 125 | If the second sentence is the thesis, it is clear and strong. Vague so to envelope the entire analysis that follows. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | Knowledge of terms and explanation of use. Very supportive and repetitive. | 3=Average | 5 | Mundane and lacking effect of terms. If it did posses the effects It wasn't clear, or came off as a tail to the terms and not a distinct part of analysis. | ||||||||||||
17 | 4/8/2013 14:40:49 | 32 | 213 | The final sentence in the first paragraph appears to be the thesis statement. All sentences prior to this one are very well written and seem to be headed in the right direction. However, when reading the final sentence the author's "lust for power" statement suggest that, that idea will be the main focus of the essay. This is fine except the prompt says to write an essay with regards to the unproductive nature of such discussions. Therefore, what appears to be the thesis can easily pass for a supporting detail of the prompts main idea. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The author displays good word choice, and elaborates well. | 2=Poor | 2 | The final paragraph ties the essay together very well. However the entirety of the essay seems to be restating both passages and lacks original thought. There was not much analysis being done. | ||||||||||||
18 | 4/9/2013 10:47:48 | 30 | |||||||||||||||||||
19 | 4/9/2013 10:49:20 | 205 | 30 | ||||||||||||||||||
20 | 4/9/2013 10:51:30 | 204 | 14 | The thesis statement was just a simple sentence. Nothing special. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | I wouldn't say there were any strong supporting details. Most of the sentences were either run-ons or had confusing word choice. Very hard to understand what was being said. | 2=Poor | 3 | Sentence structure is very weak. It's hard to understand the point they're trying to make when you can't understand what they're trying to say in the first place. Also, they did not understand the prompt. The majority of the paper was a description of what a satire is. There was little to no analyzation of the passages. | ||||||||||||
21 | 4/9/2013 10:53:45 | 214 | 7 | This thesis is based on the level of difficulty in productivity. The question was asking how satire was used to effectively produce an argument. Next time, read the question carefully and think about what it's asking. It doesn't have to be complex; it just has to answer the question. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The only strong points worth noting in this paper was diligent referencing to the prompt (lines 12-13). The rest of the paper is a weak attempt at an explanation that never actually came about. | 2=Poor | 2 | Stick to the prompt; make sure you know what it is asking of you. | ||||||||||||
22 | 4/9/2013 10:58:00 | 211 | 24 | This student's thesis was "In this satire one side is looking out for the people and one side for the nature and animals, yet neither is actually making a valid point." The sentence is clear, however, the vocabulary is weak and nondescript. Instead of saying "one side for the nature and animals," they could have written "and the opposing view supports the conservation of the earth and its inhabitants." | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The strongest supporting detail was in the second paragraph where they say "Wilson's point is clear and serious making his voice flow throughout his paper." She actually explains how his tone benefits his paper instead of just describing it. | 3=Average | 4 | The writer isn't responding to the prompt directly. They are pointing out rhetorical devices, but that wasn't what the question asked of us. | ||||||||||||
23 | 4/9/2013 10:59:06 | 218 | 106 | The thesis was developed and easily seen. Words that would help improve the thesis is "a few" could of been strengthened with something else but the thesis as a whole stated an obvious point. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | In the second paragraph, the use of words like "wacko" from the prompt and "brown lashers" really helped make the student's point. Also, the recognition of an asyndeton in the prompt really help drive the point home because it explains why the author was so effective in his writing. It also shows that the student has an understanding of literary devices and is able to pick them out of a writing prompt. The use of the red spider helped in proving how pointless their arguments were. In writing the same essay on the same prompt, I did not catch that and I can see many things in this paper I wish I would of noticed as I was writing. | 4=Good | 7 | I would say the main weakness is word usage. If the student could heighten his/her word usage, it would take the paper to an entirely new level because you sound smarter and that always helps. Another thing that may help is a little more analyzation of the piece and a little less summarizing what he said but the effect that had on his writing and his point. | ||||||||||||
24 | 4/9/2013 10:59:34 | 208 | 16 | The thesis was unclear in many ways because the prompt asks for the analyzation of the satire in the passage. although that was acheived in the paper itself, the thesis was a "one is different than the other" type thesis which shows no clear intent to the body of the passage. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | not any really strong supporting deatails just a lot of repeating of the main point. | 3=Average | 4 | You should not repeat the main point of the paragragh more than once in the paragraph, this should be a time to elaborate on the main point. | ||||||||||||
25 | 4/9/2013 11:01:05 | 202 | 17 | They have a good start; the thesis is developed and stands as a foundation. Simple three point thesis that explains what the paper could be about. Could be developed by the use of a stronger diction. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Short body. Lines 13 and 14 sets the main idea of the passage/paragraph. These are the strongest supporting details in the body of the paper because it seems to be the foundation of the paragraph. | 1=Awful | 1 | The student has a good start- good introduction. Student just needs to finish. They have good ideas in which they can continue(three point thesis), but the paper is only two paragraphs long. Student could uses their thesis to make three separate paragraphs and go into a few details to write about the prompt. | ||||||||||||
26 | 4/9/2013 11:01:26 | 207 | 107 | The thesis statement is present and well-worded, but a more developed presentation of the argument would perhaps add more depth to the statement. More mature-level prose would also add to the writing as well. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Line 10 to 15, demonstrate clear explicit examples from the passage that support the writer's argument. The examples of name-calling display the accusatory stance that these arguments between two groups often take. Lines 40-50 also present an interesting argument of how both sides use their stances to twist how the reader may view the effects of their plans. By plying to the reader's sense of self, both sides push to create support for their stance. | 4=Good | 7 | Perhaps use more formal diction and higher-level vocabulary. Vary your arguments, as most of the essay focused on how the two sides' arguments were essentially the same. And also, further develop your argument by taking your mentioned points and analyzing their effect on the argument, not simply stating them. Great essay though! | ||||||||||||
27 | 4/9/2013 11:04:05 | 203 | 2 | - Very long and unorganized - Not a clear point - Good use of vocabulary - Some grammar issues | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | - Line 16: pointing out emotionally charged language - 3rd paragraph: describes the use of comparing and contrasting in an intelligent, organized way. | 4=Good | 5 | - Grammar - Syntax -Thesis Statement - Overall organization | ||||||||||||
28 | 4/9/2013 11:04:24 | 210 | 3 | The thesis statement is "Edward O. Wilson utilizes satire to not only reveal the truth behind anti-environmentalists, but to also make a mockery of those who practice environmentalism." The thesis statement is weak and does not really follow the question given in the promt. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | One of the strongest points the student made was in lines 15-19 where he/she points out that the author is creating tension between the two group by trying to "drive the two seperate groups away from each other". However he/she misses the point of the prompt by going on to say that he was doing this, not to make a statement of how pointless the two arguments are, but suggests that he is doing this to shed light on the two matters seperately. | 2=Poor | 2 | The student had good grammer and sentence structure but the content did not follow the prompt or answer the question. He/she should take more time to throughly read the prompt to understand what it is asking of them. | ||||||||||||
29 | 4/9/2013 11:04:38 | 201 | 27 | I honestly couldn't exactly tell what the thesis statement was. I assumed it was lines 4-7. The sentence setup was poor and I really had to dig deep to get a slight meaning to come out of it. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The strongest details came from lines 11-17 when she explained how one passage was making one group the victim and then flip flopping and discussing the the opposite groups victimization. | 2=Poor | 4 | Sentence structure and the changing of perspectives. I felt as though the writer was on the cusp of creating an excellent paper, but the types of sentence variety used and the attempt at a cool change of "environmentalist/people first critics" viewpoints muddied the middle section of the people and I started to lose interest. | ||||||||||||
30 | 4/9/2013 11:05:19 | 205 | 30 | -solid thesis | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | -line 21 provides good example of Wilson's tone. -Could use more supporting details | 4=Good | 7 | Solid paper but could be a bit more thought provoking. | ||||||||||||
31 | 4/9/2013 11:05:32 | 215 | 18 | The thesis statement is very strong, and specifically states what the author of the passage utilizes. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | Cardstacking (line 22-27)- "As both sides of the discussion are ... reveal the things they themselves are committing." | 4=Good | 5 | If the writer would have finished I think that they would get a higher grade. Their thesis makes some great arguments which would have allowed them to develop their paper more. | ||||||||||||
32 | 4/9/2013 11:05:36 | 209 | 39 | thesis is well written and prepares the reader for what is going to be said. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | the first paragraph is written exceptionally well in that it provides good examples to support the argument brought about (lines 10-12). the paragraph is concluded with a great sentence that fits the occasion and sums up the main point made. | 3=Average | 6 | the last three paragraphs were too short. a point is brought to attention but is not really thoroughly explained. although the closing paragraph summarizes the essay quiet well it lacks a little more depth. it seems like something is missing. | ||||||||||||
33 | 4/9/2013 11:05:38 | 206 | 32 | The thesis statement is too broad, it needs to be more specific. It is very unclear. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Diction (line 9) Quote (line 14) | 2=Poor | 3 | The student needs to develop a stronger and more clear argument. Also, he/she should try for better time management. | ||||||||||||
34 | 4/9/2013 11:06:09 | 217 | 28 | The thesis statement is "By illustrating the two different views about the meaning of environmentalism satirically, Edward O. Wilson proves that both sides of the argument are always going to put the opposing side down, thus lifting themselves up to feel as if they are correct." This thesis statement is weak. There could've been a better place for the word "satirically," or at least a better way to phrase the idea. Also, the actual idea isn't coherent with the prompt, and it doesn't really have anything to do with assignment. Try to read through the prompt more carefully, and stay true to what it's asking of you. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | In lines 22-26, the writer clearly formed an idea, cut all the floofiness out, and actually made sense. Explaining the way the author shifts from one subject to another. Also, the last sentence was another strong sentence, because it was the first time the writer addressed what the prompt was asking for. | 2=Poor | 4 | I feel like you started writing, and got completely side tracked. The last sentence was the first time you actually hit on what the whole purpose of the essay was: the unproductiveness of the argument. It was really just more of a summary. Also, get to the meat of your sentences. Don't try to throw in big words that don't make sense when you are at a loss for words. | ||||||||||||
35 | 4/9/2013 11:06:13 | 216 | 35 | This thesis statement is very weak. It is confusing and does not meaningfully pertain to the topic. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Paragraph 2, sentences 2 and 3. This claim adds some legitimacy to the paper, becuase the writer is referencing to part of the passage (sentence 2) and making a thoughtful claim from it (sentence 3). In the entire essay, the diction is really good, but there is no genuine structure inwhat the writer is actually trying to claim. | 2=Poor | 3 | Writing with meaning, and not just with a high vocabulary. The sentences became choppy and formed a "duh" feeling. Try to provide structure to your claim. | ||||||||||||
36 | 4/9/2013 11:06:43 | 213 | 12 | Student thesis: Wilson's essays breaks the story into two opposite views so that the reader can understand, "Why each side has their view on the subject?" This thesis not only fails to provide a response to the prompt, but also fails to acknowledge the prompt. While it does comment on structure of Wilson's writing, it should include more information. I feel that the writer could improve thesis writing by attempting to approach more precise ideas and taking a side on an argument; in this case, stating whether he/she feels that Wilson wrote satire well. On a slightly better note, at least the writer approached structure and its effect on the audience. | 1=Awful; incoherent and unclear; needs reworking totally | The writer uses the "name-calling" technique in the passages to support the idea that Wilson is attempting to remind the audience of child-like behavior, of which both sides are exhibiting. (Lines 12-13) The writer also states that Wilson used an example of environmentalists being extreme, and the writer proposed that the opposing side may have viewed them as such. (Lines 25-26) The final example the writer uses is when Wilson mentioned, "Our unelected rulers," and he/she concluded from that statement that both sides were aware that America maintains a democratic system of government. | 1=Awful | 2 | He/she needs to read the prompt. Also, substance. Proper analysis of the supporting information. | ||||||||||||
37 | 4/9/2013 11:08:15 | 212 | 9 | So far as I can tell, the thesis statement is the second sentence of the first paragraph. However, it is unclear, and you didn't explain how they were used, and, as far as I can tell, you just filled in random vocabulary words, because I didn't find a trace of personification in either passage. If you don't know what something is, don't use it just to sound smart. It doesn't work. You just need to stick with what you know, and use that to shape your paper. You may know what personification means, but it doesn't seem like it in your paper. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The quote on lines 7 and 8 is very useful, so good job there. It shows his point in the second passage, but maybe you could compare and contrast his two points of view. There are several run-on sentences, which is distracting. There is a lack of clarity in your third paragraph, because you simply defined anaphora, not clearly stating how it was effective. You said that it was, but not HOW. You didn't capitalize the second sentence of the fourth paragraph. Sorry I didn't finish... | 1=Awful | 2 | Grammar, capitalization, run-on sentences, and other basic things made it very hard to understand, making it less effective. | ||||||||||||
38 | 4/9/2013 14:28:22 | 102 | 25 | The reader already understands that there is a two sided dispute over environmentalism. I think you should expand your thesis statement and show why satire shows there is two sides and how it impacts the two different arguements. Use the prompt more. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | I feel like you strayed far away from the prompt and even your own thesis statement. Throughout the body of the paper I was very lost. Try using examples of satire and HOW it showed the unproductiveness between the two arguments. The key is always stick with the prompt and use examples! | 1=Awful | 2 | I can see that you are a creative person because you try to use some good metaphors and analogies but be careful using them. Sometimes you end up using too many without noticing it. I do the same thing in my papers! I try to sound good by using bigger words, but sometimes it turns out being a big mess. My suggestion to you is to use smaller words. That doesn't mean useless, dumb words but words that you are familiar with can help your points sound stronger. Also stay away from using words "one" and "what so ever". Try using words that have strength. Try looking closer to the prompt, use points and back them up with examples. | ||||||||||||
39 | 4/9/2013 14:28:26 | 111 | 31 | Overall, this thesis statement is fairly weak. First, the statement itself is not written with parallel sentence structure. The first two parts, "by producing" and "by implementing" are well developed in this sense, but the last point strays away from the use of "by." I would suggest changing the last part to read "by developing..." Secondly, I like how the statement explains that the use of parallelism produces contrast. In order to help the reader better understand the point, I would suggest adding the same explanation to the following points. Although it could be improved, the recognition of the various rhetorical strategies and the effects they produce builds the foundation for a good thesis. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The completed paragraph contained a few good points that helped support the thesis, however the support was sometimes off topic. Although it made reference to the passage written by Wilson (line 20), discussing the flanks in great detail (lines 26-30) took away from the overall comparison. The general point made about the parallelism makes sense, but the individual example was a little confusing. | 2=Poor | 3 | While reading this paper the one thing that stuck out most was the sentence structure and vocabulary choice. Sometimes the word chosen does not really mean what I think the student is trying to portray. Also, the student may consider focusing their attention on the effect that their individual points have on the entire essay. If this essay had been finished, it would most likely have received a higher score. | ||||||||||||
40 | 4/9/2013 14:30:05 | 105 | 40 | I like the use of "devil's advocate." I would never have thought to have used that saying. I think that the thesis statement does a good job of getting to the point because it states that the satire "exemplifies the assumption that two groups are more concerned with the others preconceived intentions than making any real progress." However, I believe that it could be expanded upon a little bit further. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | I think you gave a good statement when you said "he uses humorous, mocking names to show that there is clearly animosity between the groups" (line 11-12) however, I wish you would have given examples of the names so that I could get more of a sense of how "mocking" the names were. In line 21, you said that "Wilson states how the conservationalists will begin to control our lives" but you don't mention HOW. However I do believe that you make a good point when you say that both groups "only care about things that related to themselves." On the other hand, the prompt asked to analyze how the author's use of satire illustrates the unproductive nature of such discussions. I feel that you never really stated how satire made the arguments unproductive. | 3=Average | 6 | I think that the main weaknesses this student should focus on is elaborating on their thoughts and expanding their examples. The examples given throughout were good, I would just like to see them tie in to the point they were trying to make better. Also, I think this student should try to focus on answering the prompt better. I don't feel like I ever got a clear cut answer to the prompt after reading their essay. | ||||||||||||
41 | 4/9/2013 14:31:10 | 100 | 23 | The thesis is clear but weak. It only gives one point to show how Wilson's satire was effective. The use of the word "downfall" sounds a little dramatic. Do we know that the audience identifies this as pertaining to the future? | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The paper only explains and uses two supporting details. In the first body paragraph the student mentions lines 15-17 and in the second body paragraph s/he mentions lines 67-69. -More details and support needed a.k.a textual evidence -Why was using allusions helpful to the sature? -Less use of "this" -Pronoun-antecedent agreement needs to be proofed and revised -More transition words would help the fluidity of the entire paper -The prompt focuses more on the analysis of satire than how the audience feels or thinks | 3=Average | 4 | -Answering the prompt with more details and support -More descriptive and varying diction -Identifying more of the rhetorical stragies used | ||||||||||||
42 | 4/9/2013 14:31:49 | 110 | 214 | -Thesis was hard to find -Very little information included -Sentences are choppy and vague -Suggestions: expand the thesis with more information and rework the sentences. Good foundation, just needs a little work. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Second paragraph is good- full of information and examples. However, it basically just summarizes the article and doesn't relate it back to the question. | 2=Poor | 3 | This paper doesn't really answer the question. It gives good details and examples, but doesn't explain them fully and doesn't relate then back to the prompt. The writing is overall unclear and sometimes nonsensical, with an example being the first sentence. | ||||||||||||
43 | 4/9/2013 14:32:08 | 104 | 6 | Just an average thesis statement. It does not provoke much thought and the syntax may be the cause. Try reordering the words and add a little more than just concrete detail. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Well written body. Stayed on topic well. The only flaw may be that the student listed rhetorical devices that were used, however they did not explain how they are used as satire. Further explanation on how the items were satirical would benefit the essay greatly. | 4=Good | 6 | An above average paper, but the thesis held it back a bit. Improving the thesis will most definitely benefit the paper. Also explain more a little bit more about how the devices used were connected to satire instead of just listing them. Overall pretty above average, but has potential to be really good. | ||||||||||||
44 | 4/9/2013 14:32:27 | 110 | 31 | ||||||||||||||||||
45 | 4/9/2013 14:36:04 | 107 | 29 | The thesis is straightforward, but it is underdeveloped and not analyzing the essay. Essentially, it does not begin to answer the prompt like it should. There should be interpretation of the text in the thesis without giving examples. While some might find this thesis acceptable, it is very basic. Too basic. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | While the thesis does not analyze and answer the prompt, the rest of the essay attempts to do so. You use direct examples and explain how rather than simply stating. | 2=Poor | 2 | The essay is underdeveloped. It needs more points that are thought out and a stronger introduction and conclusion. The grammar also needs improving. Do not use abbreviations ("gov") and contractions ("it's"). Also, saying "the author uses diction" is unnecessary because of course there is diction; it is an essay. Add an analysis of the diction. | ||||||||||||
46 | 4/9/2013 14:36:44 | 109 | 21 | "Please validate the overall clarity and strength of this sentence." That's my job as your reviewer, and as your reviewer I can say through the safety of anonymity that your words, while strong, do not form a clear thought. I layman's terms, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. "Wilson, like Twain, has ascended above his topic," the reference to Mark Twain doesn't really apply and is never addressed again, nor further explained in the essay. I just credit this to your lack of time to write an understandably difficult paper. On another note, I cannot deduce why you chose to put the word "very" in quotation marks. It's not a quote, and from what I understand you're not being sarcastic, so I do not understand why you chose to do that. Regardless it's never a very good idea to use the word "very" in an essay anyways, as that's just lazy writing. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | While YOUR input is abundant in the second paragraph, you never reinforce your argument with examples from the actual prompt. This challenges the reader to understand what you're referring to and makes you seem like you don't actually know what you're talking about. You clearly understand your own opinion but the reader is not on the same page. In a nutshell, you don't need to change any of the already existing sentences in your second paragraph, you just need to provide some examples to anchor your idea together. | 2=Poor | 4 | Well I don't really need to repeat myself...so as long as you fix the problems I addressed you should be golden. | ||||||||||||
47 | 4/9/2013 14:36:46 | 103 | 215 | The whole introduction paragraph is very weak and awkward! I am unsure what, exactly, is the thesis statement. Is it the second to the last sentence or the last sentence of the itnroduction paragraph your thesis? If it is the second to the last, it does answer the prompt... but it is awkward, boring and weak!! That sentence tells me what your think, but it doesn't tell me why. "Substantial foundation is a very broad term, and is not prominent in this essay (according to the author's satirical purpose). Furthermore, if the thesis was meant to be the last sentence of the introduction paragraph, it did not allude to the prompt at all.... regardless of if it is your thesis, I would remove this sentence completely. The prompt is asking you to analyze his use of satire and it's effectiveness, not whether you enjoyed the satire or how you would have preffered the essays to be. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The second paragraph is completely off topic; the author's deliberate lack of logic is DELIBERATE and therefore, supports the purpose of the essays! Plus, logic is seperate from satire... so that whole paragraph has nothing to do with the prompt. The third paragraph, however, makes an attempt to answer the prompt. Although you tried to assert your opiniopn on the author's satire, it is incredibly important that you understand the author's purpose before you analyze a peice! All of the "supporting details" you tried to discuss were deliberate uses of satire, and if you understood the purpose, you would find the purposeful effect of the satirical devices. Therefore, I did not find any strong details. | 1=Awful | 2 | First of all, you need to understand the author's purpose. If you don't, all of your points are off-course and disrupted. Furthermore, your tone is boring and undeveloped. The vocabulary used in your essay is elementary and, again, boring! The essay is lacking a developed, thoughtful point and is obvious that you had not yet completely formed your own purpose. The second and third paragraphs were not alike and neither supported your underdeveloped thesis. | ||||||||||||
48 | 4/9/2013 14:40:15 | 101 | 26 | You began to form a thesis statement in your sentence " The satire in the exert seems to suggest that neither sides listens to the other, so they never actually hear the opposing argument." Your idea seems to be on point, but the way you wrote it was not effective in expressing a clear thesis statement. To improve this sentence, you should specify "sides" and "they" and possibly provide a clear example on how you believe Wilson's satire proves your idea correct. Basically what I am saying is that you should expand your thesis in order to make your stance and your response to the prompt more clear. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | You wrote "they only hear small pieces of each others agenda, so it seems they are hiding the rest of it" (7,8,9), but you failed to provide any examples or proof to support your argument. Throughout your essay you made a point about the arguments of the environmentalist not actually being hidden as it was stated by both sides, but it seems that you are not so much answering the prompt more than you are analyzing the arguments. The prompt asks you to analyze Wilson 's satire in demonstrating the nonproductive nature of such discussions. You do write about the nonproductive nature of the arguments, but you do not analyze Wilson's satire. You state what Wilson's satire makes you assume, but you needed to analyze how Wilson uses his satire to make you come to your conclusion on the arguments. You should focus on the how's more than the what's. | 1=Awful | 3 | Judging by the length of your paper, you should probably work on your time management skills or possibly work on getting all your ideas put together in order to write an effective essay. Your main weakness was the failure to provide supporting arguments. As I wrote before, in order to make your essay more effective, especially for analytic essays, you need to focus on how instead of what. | ||||||||||||
49 | 4/9/2013 14:40:22 | 106 | 1 | The thesis statement was clear and identifiable. It was not a very strong thesis statement but answered the prompt nonetheless. *Should be a little more developed in thought; great at going right into it :) | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | Great use of the text from the prompt when supporting how the two the passages are compare and contrast! "Heartless Heaps"?? Strong supporting detail= (3rd paragraph, last sentence) I thought it supported your reasoning for how the two groups were falling into their own sterotypes. Strong supporting detail= (4th paragraph, 2nd sentence) Great way to point out how they would never settle their differences but lacks a little depth in this paragraph | 3=Average | 7 | You may want to develop your thoughts a little more without repeating what you mean. Work on your concluding paragraph a bit more so that it doesn't seem as though your diction changes i.e.(brilliant tool, beautifully). One weakness you have is trying to tie all of your thoughts together smoothly without repeating yourself and broadening your sentence structures and vocabulary. | ||||||||||||
50 | 4/9/2013 15:06:46 | 118 | 212 | The thesis refers to the topic where debates have become pointless, but does not refer to the satirical nature of the piece. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | They do refer to generalization as a strategy for strengthening the essay, but that's the only method they discuss. They pull quotes from the passage in order to better show what they're trying to convey and help relate back to the text. | 4=Good | 7 | I feel like they hit on alot of the same topics without expanding or giving more details on what they wanted to say. Also there wasn't alot of examples. Generalization was the only strategy given and it just leaves the essay without alot of meat. | ||||||||||||
51 | 4/9/2013 15:12:00 | 116 | 10 | The thesis statement could use a little reworking. It is a clear thesis, but it has no evidence behind it. It basically restates the prompt. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | In this paper the writer tries to explain how Wilson satirizes the name calling in the papers but could have gone more in depth. | 3=Average | 1 | Providing more information, using time wisely, check spelling | ||||||||||||
52 | 4/9/2013 15:17:24 | 126 | 8 | The thesis statement is unclear. It seems to not answer the prompt directly by stating how satire illustrates the unproductive nature of the discussions , rather it uses satire as an element used by the author in combination with pathos and diction. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The childish behavior element was a strong point to include for the satire aspects. Although deviating from the prompt, the pathos supporting elements did not come together to prove the point given. | 3=Average | 2 | Pay attention to what exactly the prompt is asking for. The writing and ideas are there for satire. You didn't answer the prompt correctly and the thesis that you did provide was weak. The satire was only evaluated in one paragraph and was not discussed any further. | ||||||||||||
53 | 4/9/2013 15:20:52 | 129 | 15 | The thesis lacked connection to the prompt. It did not include anything about satire or the unproductive nature of the arguments. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | While not on topic, this essay does include varied sentence structure, powerful verbs, and strong diction. | 1=Awful | 3 | The writing was good, but it did not answer what the prompt was asking. The two essays were both written by Wilson to poke fun at the ridiculousness of such arguments between groups. | ||||||||||||
54 | 4/9/2013 15:20:58 | 115 | 11 | The thesis doesn't explain how it helps Wilson get his point across. The thesis seems too short to be able to explain what the entire paper is going to be about. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The body has a good idea but doesn't answer the prompt very well. It locates the use of satire but doesn't do a very good job of explaining how the use of satire affects what Wilson writes. There are good concrete details but there isn't much commentary. | 2=Poor | 3 | The thesis statement needs to be strengthened. As well as the body paragraph because it doesn't seem to answer the prompt very well. There does not seem to be a conclusion paragraph | ||||||||||||
55 | 4/9/2013 15:21:48 | 122 | 214 | Okay, so he shows that group uses personal feelings in their argument against the opposing side. Is that all? I get from that thesis that you are only going to talk about the use of personal views throughout your essay to prove your point. I feel that it would be better if you would pick out other things that he uses, such as rhetorical devices. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | 1) Extremists and wackos. 12 This is good because it shows word-for-word what the critics think. | 2=Poor | 3 | I just feel like you summarized the essay. Next time, try to focus on "how" the author uses satire to influence the unproductive nature of such discussions. More supporting details. | ||||||||||||
56 | 4/9/2013 15:21:52 | 115 | 31 | ||||||||||||||||||
57 | 4/9/2013 15:24:49 | 121 | 20 | The thesis statement of this essay is somewhat strong. It is straight to the point and leads the reader onto the whole perspective of the essay. BUT this thesis doe s not answer the prompt and state how Wilson uses satire to illustrate unproductive nature. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | In the first body paragraph the student uses quotes to back up the arrogance of the anti-environmentalists. (Line 9 in 2nd paragraph) "A strong, growing free-market economy, not creeping socialism, is what's best for America - and its best for the environment too" | 2=Poor | 4 | This paper did flow and had good ideas throughout. Make sure you read the prompt thoroughly, " write an essay in which you analyze how Wilson's satire illustrates the unproductive nature of such discussions." Nothing was mentioned on satire within the essay. I loved the perspective and knew what the writer was trying to explain. However, it would have been a stronger piece if it reflected back on the prompt. *I would have tried to add more quotes throughout the essay and relate back to satire throughout the essay. * try to make the thesis more powerful and related to the prompt | ||||||||||||
58 | 4/9/2013 15:25:52 | 117 | 22 | The thesis(A nature of which is unproductive and will never bring any good change...?) tries to answer the prompt, but be very specific. The thesis should have included the words "satirical approach" somewhere in the sentence. The thesis could be more focused and draw together everything you stated in your first paragraph. For example, starting the thesis with "a nature of which..." what nature? Make it easy for the reader to understand your position and point. The prompt asks how the satire illustrates the unproductive nature, however your thesis did not provide a path for your essay. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Line 14 you state, "These are two completely different ways of thinking that have only been causing problems." I think this summed up your point of that paragraph while answering the prompt. I found it hard to find supporting details of the prompt. | 2=Poor | 4 | This student often times strays away from the question being asked of the prompt. Make sure to understand and completely answer the question you are supposed to be answering. I felt that the student summarized more than analyzing the use of Wilson's satire. Also, the last paragraph did not bring together your essay, rather, try to bring a historical/cultural frame to the subject. Overall, the language was not mature, content could have been stronger, and the prompt was not answered fully. | ||||||||||||
59 | 4/9/2013 15:26:05 | 128 | 5 | The thesis was a little long and it didn't exactly flow smoothly. There was repetitiveness with the word "environment". I could tell what you were trying to say but the ideas were not presented in a masterful manner. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Your response did not answer the prompt. You basically just got the wrong idea but I like your flow of ideas. They just aren't the set of ideas needed for this essay. | 1=Awful | 2 | I think you veered off track from the prompt. The whole point was to analyze how Wilson shows the unproductive nature of political arguments such as environmental issues. You were analyzing how Wilson created a totally serious and politically influencing piece where in reality it was just a chunk of sarcasm and satire. This was not about that. You took the wrong angle and did not follow the prompt. You need to carefully read the instructions before diving in. The writing is good but because you did not answer the prompt, so I gave you a 2. | ||||||||||||
60 | 4/9/2013 15:30:39 | 122 | 23 | The thesis is a little weak. It isn't terrible, but needs some work. I would work on flow. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Using the line #'s is a really good idea. Pathos, line number 23 | 2=Poor | 4 | It is way to short. Try to find other uses of rhetoric in the writing. Also, you never really described how the author uses satire. | ||||||||||||
61 | 4/9/2013 15:30:51 | 125 | 208 | Assuming the first sentence is the thesis statement, it receives a score of a 2 because it does not explain the satirical tactics used by the author to illustrate the unproductive nature of the discussions. Though I understand what the writer was attempting to write in his/her thesis statement, it veered from the prompt and did not accurately answer the question. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | The student's strongest supporting detail in the body of the paper was that he/she used the reasoning of stereotyping of each passage to identify with the prompt. The student also noticed the author's satirical humor by restating the word "wackos." By including this in the essay, I can tell that the student understood the prompt, but did not include details supporting as to why these words were stated. However, in the concluding paragraph, the student makes an effort to answer the prompt by stating that the topic of the two passages is unproductive because the two groups will never agree with each other. | 2=Poor | 4 | The thesis did not answer the prompt. Though I could understand the points that the student wrote, the points did not have supporting details and did not contribute to analyzing the satirical nature of the two passages. The essay summarized the two passages, and therefore, did not answer the question. However, I can tell that the student identified the ethos and character of the critics of the passages, the student just did not elaborate on them. The were simply stated and not analyzed. | ||||||||||||
62 | 4/9/2013 15:31:29 | 124 | 19 | I can tell that there is supposed to be a thesis somewhere but it is difficult to decipher where the beginning and end of the statement is. State clearly your point/claim/opinion rather than dancing around it. Also, just as a side note, the grammar and word choice is below average. This can easily be corrected through perhaps reading some more literature or simply practicing writing and reading it aloud. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Unfortunately the essay does not answer the prompt. 019 seems to go off on a tangent about the separate opinions expressed in the passage and does not analyze Wilson's satire very much. There is good amongst the not-so-good, though. In the first paragraph the satire is addressed and a good note about the use of the word "wackos" is a good observation. 019 used quotes and specific words effectively (if the prompt had been analyzing the opinions). It started off decently but went off the rails a bit, especially towards the end. | 1=Awful | 2 | Carefully read the prompt and figure out what the readers want you to analyze. This particular essay was asking for an in-depth understanding of the effectiveness of Wilson's satire and how he represents the ineffectiveness of the debate itself. I think that if you had understood the prompt you would have answered it well but unfortunately that was not the case. Also, please work on your grammar and punctuation. Comma splices were abundant ("Who wouldn't want to grow up, living in a nice environment?") and also contractions are typically a big no-no. While it sounds stiff, it is usually more appropriate to use the full words (i.e. transform "isn't" into "is not"). Try to use an active voice by avoiding linking verbs and paying attention to subject-verb order. Read a lot of books and essays, do some DGP, set a comma quota for yourself (it helps with splices. Going comma-crazy is very common! Don't fall victim to the comma; they only make your writing better if you use them correctly), and READ THE PROMPT. Always. The prompt is the most important thing for the essay. The prompt is the sun, you are the planet that revolves around it and needs it to survive. Always. Carefully. Read. The. Prompt. | ||||||||||||
63 | 4/9/2013 15:32:06 | 115 | 31 | The thesis answers the prompt well. Seems a little wordy because of the list at the end instead of just saying satire, but it is good nonetheless. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | The body seemed weak compared to the thesis statement. Answers the prompt but there aren't enough supporting details. Another paragraph would have made this paper better. | 3=Average | 5 | The writing starts out great but then falls from there. The paper doesn't have a conclusion paragraph and needs more concrete details to back up your thesis. | ||||||||||||
64 | 4/9/2013 15:32:10 | 120 | 111 | The thesis statement is present, clear, and answered the question. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | The student did a good job backing up their opinions in the body paragraphs about the claims that they made, however the wording can be a little confusing at times. The student also did very well at relating back to Wilson's sarcasm. | 4=Good | 7 | Work on the flow of the paper and word choices but otherwise everything was great. Good job on answering the prompt and relating back to Wilson's use of satire. | ||||||||||||
65 | 4/9/2013 15:32:58 | 113 | 217 | Your thesis statement was somewhat unclear and confusing, but I understood how you intended your statement to come out. I feel like the statement could be improved if it was more clear about what the topic was.It could also be improved if you word your statement differently that would make it less confusing and allow the statement to flow better. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The sentence "witty remarks,immature nicknames,and questioned motives etc." would've been very strong if you had explained how the witty remarks and nicknames etc. showed how unproductive these discussions were. | 2=Poor | 4 | I think your weaknesses were staying on topic and answering what the essay was asking.You made some strong points however you failed to answer the topic. While the assignment was to analyze Wilson's satire and how it showed the unproductive nature of the discussion you leaned more towards stating your opinion and describing the two groups of people (the environmentalists and anti-environmentalists). So overall the things you should focus on is staying on topic, answering what the essay is asking, and making your sentences flow better. | ||||||||||||
66 | 4/9/2013 15:33:39 | 112 | 4 | The thesis statement does its basic job of outlining the topics written in the next couple paragraphs. However, the first paragraph, especially the thesis statement, seems biased towards the people-firsts critics. There is not one mention of them. The prompt does not ask to take one side of the group. Another dilemma is that the last part of the thesis statement is left vague. The words "are up to something" does not specify how Wilson used rhetorical strategies to make his claim. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Although it is not always clear, all the topics are being used with satisfactory information. The conclusion is magnificent. | 3=Average | 5 | The student's body paragraphs possesses quantity, but lacks some quality. There needs to be more examples using the text. Some of the sentences are unclear. There is a number of generalizations the student makes about the people that have read this passage. For example, in the 2nd paragraph, line 6, the sentence reads, "He makes extreme comments everyday people wouldn't possibly come up with on their own.' This is left ambiguous. On one hand, it exalts Wilson's creativity and intelligence. On the other hand, it mocks the citizens intelligence. | ||||||||||||
67 | 4/9/2013 15:33:46 | 119 | 13 | The thesis is pretty clear, it connects to the prompt and sets the tone for the rest of the essay. It could be a bit more involved, but it is average. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | It seems like you are focusing on one side, and there is not a lot on satire. Remember that these are not his actual opinions. You do provide supporting details to your arguments though! | 2=Poor | 4 | Make sure the reader understands that the two passages were written by the same writer. The essay makes it seem like Wilson actually has anti-environmentalist opinions, as opposed to writing both sides of the argument for satirical purposes. Make sure that the essay follows consistently with the prompt. The essay is set up logically and addresses satire, just make sure to focus on Wilson's satire as a whole as opposed to just one side. | ||||||||||||
68 | 4/9/2013 15:33:50 | 113 | 29 | The thesis is valid and states the point, but is worded in a confusing way. Try making it more straightforward and use stronger vocabulary. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Par. 3 states that the author uses diction, and shares how his names for the two "sides" effects the point he is trying to make. Most of the paper simply describes the two paragraphs and does not tie in how the author's satire effects the two sides. | 2=Poor | 3 | You may want to read over the essay and edit it before turning it in. There are many grammatical errors which made it harder to follow and less "flowy." Also, the essay does not completely answer the prompt. It describes each paragraph, then sums up the paper by simply saying the author uses satire to disprove both sides of the argument. | ||||||||||||
69 | 4/11/2013 11:01:07 | 2 | 101 | The student's theis statement was very strong. Though they did not include many rhetorical devices, they used the effects and descriptions of several. Their ideas are dominant and allude to strong body paragraphs. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | Over all this student has very clear and interesting views that made reading their opinion entertaining. The student uses Satire to explain the writers paragraphs. In the sentence of paragraph two, as well as naming many other effects. | 4=Good | 3 | Though the student named several toolbox terms, they never scuba dived into those devices to make a strong analysis. It seems as though the student didn't have time to finish as the last paragraph just cuts off leaving the reader questioning the other terms mentioned. Your essay only scratches the surface, and though it is a good surface, you need to go deeper and more in depth in your writing. Try and hit the strong points off the bat, not using more "fluff" than necessary. | ||||||||||||
70 | 4/11/2013 11:01:39 | 39 | 119 | The students thesis just summarizes the prompt.. He goes on in the introduction to further elaborate on Wilson's use of satire, and he hits on the effect of it. The thesis is somewhat bland, it is lacking a strong verb, or something to set it above others. The student could easily make this a great thesis by possible adding the effect of the satire on the audience. You went on and addressed the effect, just had a little to your thesis. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | You did a great job given examples of the tools Wilson used, then you went on to discuss the effect. You used strong verbs, and you had really good diction. In your third paragraph you didn't ever hit the effect on the audience, you should just add the effect of the redundancy in the arguments. You ended well, you summarized all your points again, and ended smoothly. | 4=Good | 5 | I think what you need to work on is a stronger thesis, and keep talking about the effect on the audience. Sometimes you would get away from talking about the effect, you would just keep adding the tools that Wilson used. | ||||||||||||
71 | 4/11/2013 11:03:46 | 4 | 129 | Student does good job writing about how Edward O. Wilson wrote his piece. Helps the thesis by telling what literary terms Wilson used. More details would help! . | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Student does an excellent job of explaining the effect of why the author used "them in both" passages. Overuse of the word argument, try replacing it with a synonym | 3=Average | 5 | Don't overuse words. Everything was written out well. | ||||||||||||
72 | 4/11/2013 11:05:52 | 36 | 115 | Overall your thesis was clear. You stated the main idea of the prompt efficiently. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Your strongest points through your paper were when you took quotes from the passage and applied it towards your paper, for a better understanding of the point you tried to get across. Also using words such as ; absurdity, bickering, productive, ridiculousness brought your paper to a more elevated level. | 3=Average | 4 | At times I felt as if you were rambling in your paper, some words were misspelled. Other than being a little wordy and a few grammatical errors your paper is a good one. | ||||||||||||
73 | 4/11/2013 11:06:56 | 19 | 116 | I liked how you used " a more non-consedvative form." But both sentences in your first paragraph was more of a summarization of Wilson's essay. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Even though the points you used went right with your thesis, and stated it, you did quote a lot from Wilson's essays. | 3=Average | 3 | You need to focus on not summarizing as much, and maybe not quote the author as much as you did. You also use commas where they're not needed. | ||||||||||||
74 | 4/11/2013 11:08:00 | 11 | 123 | The thesis is very clear and to the point. With a bit more detail this thesis could be turned into something a whole lot better. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | Lines 17 to 22 were very strong supporting details in the sense that the writer has a strong explanation for the reason why Wilson used German in his essay. | 4=Good | 5 | This student should focus more on diving deeper into the text and trying to come out with more, instead of just name calling terms and giving a less then decent effect on the reader. | ||||||||||||
75 | 4/11/2013 11:08:34 | 5 | 102 | The thesis wasn't very strong. It doesn't go much into detail and it is also repetitive. I think if you added a little more detail and description it would be good. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | A strong paragraph that was written was the one that talked about the effects of placing the two discussions side by side. For example, when the student wrote "They mock each other with creative "humor" but leave the reader empty handed without facts or decent points to counteract." | 3=Average | 4 | The essay was very repetitive and the only main rhetorical strategies the student used was talking about satire. They could also try strengthen the thesis. | ||||||||||||
76 | 4/11/2013 11:10:11 | 7 | 128 | Thesis statement is very clear and has 4 potential. However, it was very simple and could use some deeper thinking. Make your thesis statement pop. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Strongest supporting details are found in paragraph 3. Your point on how nothing will ever be achieved unless hard, cold numbers, figures and statistics are drawn upon was very strong. | 3=Average | 5 | Some ideas are repeated. Don't be afraid to scuba dive! Your diction was perfect you just need to dig deeper to find a larger variety of examples and supporting details. | ||||||||||||
77 | 4/11/2013 11:10:24 | 1 | 108 | The student's thesis was clear and strong, as the paper did revolve very clearly around it. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | The student does a great job at pointing out the literary terms, such as in lines 9-14, but does not explain the effect of the terms. While several are mentioned, only name-calling has a brief description of the reason of usage. | 3=Average | 3 | The essay is very superficial when analyzing the terms, as there isn't an analysis of their effect or how they contribute to the satire. There is no dive into what the terms are with examples from the text, which would develop the essay a great deal. The introduction and conclusion are great, though the conclusion is a bit short. The absolute main focus should be diving into the effect on the audience. | ||||||||||||
78 | 4/11/2013 11:10:28 | 15 | 113 | The thesis statement overall does highlight what the student's essay should base on according to the prompt. The thesis somewhat rewords what the prompt instructs the student to write about. However, the student portrays a clear approach to the main idea of their essay. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Through lines 13-17, the student effectively describes one of the effects that the author includes in this essay. They point out a part of the essay that the author ties his writing together with satire. | 3=Average | 5 | The student should attempt to go into more details with their points. They provide plenty of content but very little is actually analyzing and answering the essay's prompt. | ||||||||||||
79 | 4/11/2013 11:10:35 | 3 | 114 | The thesis is a tad weak, but it is understandable. By going more in depth and going for the underlying meaning, it will help strengthen the thesis and give a better foundation for the supporting details. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Throughout the essay, the student stuck to their thesis statement and didn't steer away from it. They were able to stay consistent on the point they were trying to get a crossed. | 2=Poor | 2 | The student should focus on the overall development of the paper. Really try to drive deep into the underlying means and points the author is trying to portray. Also, try to come up with stronger supporting details to help back up the thesis. | ||||||||||||
80 | 4/11/2013 11:10:47 | 10 | 103 | The thesis is short, yet powerful the diction use gave a clear and, attention grabbing effect. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | (Lines 18-25) "Wilson continues to..." This part was one of the writers most strongest, because after they brought up his exaggeration, the writer gave the effect it had to the reader, showing a deeper meaning to his writing, which also show the writer's high level of thinking. | 4=Good | 5 | The writer keeps mentioning the exaggeration, and needs to talk more on what effect the writing has. As something to help when you analyze, read in a third person, try to see how would a reader would be effected in the way they think, like how would they feel, and so forth. | ||||||||||||
81 | 4/11/2013 11:10:51 | 16 | 112 | Your thesis statement seemed argumentative, I see where your going. In some cases it could be considered analytical. Just think argumentative! | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | When first reading your essay I found it to be argumentative. It seems like you are giving your thoughts about environmentalists and "people first", the two groups you explained. I think you went a little crazy exaggerating world world three. I don't know if you we're being serious or exaggerating. After your explanation of the two groups you started to turn analytical when you explain "how Wilson illustrates the close minded sides" also when you used "generalization". You keep giving your input when you are supposed to be analytical, the graders are not looking for your input but how you analyzed the essay. Keep working hard, your peer/friend Seth Fowler. | 2=Poor | 3 | Argumentative vs analytical | ||||||||||||
82 | 4/11/2013 11:12:10 | 14 | 109 | Your use of diction is appropriate, for explaining the satire the writer uses. Words such as, "pointless" and "ineffective" targets how the author's use of satire was strong and as well how you are going to asses it. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | I'm glad you show the effect in your details and examples from the prompt. | 4=Good | 5 | You didn't have many weaknesses just manage time this essay was really great, just imagine if you had time to proofread and edit. | ||||||||||||
83 | 4/11/2013 11:12:26 | 8 | 100 | The thesis statement you provided was easy to find and it was clear what you were trying to bring out however you only reached the surface. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Lines 12-15 is a strong supporting detail because you explain the effect of the words he uses. | 3=Average | 4 | An advice I can give you is to go more into detail and not give opinion. Overall it was a good average essay you made the points and talked about the satire. | ||||||||||||
84 | 4/11/2013 11:12:27 | 35 | 210 | The student has a well written thesis thats states how his use of sarcasm help create a discrediting tone for the counter arguements. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | I believe the last paragraph is the strongest, the students sums up her essay by describing Wilson's use of satire, and his way of showing the opposing views. | 3=Average | 4 | This is a well written essay, however, the student did more of listing different terms that she found in Wilson's essay. Make sure to read the prompt carefully. | ||||||||||||
85 | 4/11/2013 14:08:07 | 40 | 210 | While the prompt is addressed the writer threw his thesis statement into a paragraph with knee points, making it a little hard to decipher. Wilson's sarcasm was addressed and tied into other strategies which was very good. Perhaps separating the thesis would have increased its overall effectiveness. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Since the topic was specifically Wilson's use of satire the strongest part of this essay waxing the first/thesis paragraph when Wilson's tone is first addressed. Also in the last paragraph, when the name calling was included. This inclusion helped the reader understand the level of satire Wilson used and why he did. | 4=Good | 5 | The prompt specifically wanted the writer to focus on satire yet it was briefly mentioned in the essay. The essay was focused more on the other strategies Wilson used. If the writer had gone into depth about Wilson's satire, the essay would greatly improve. There were also some sentences that could have been reworked because they became difficult to read. | ||||||||||||
86 | 4/11/2013 14:11:30 | 26 | 115 | The thesis reiterates the essay a little to much. But it is otherwise a clear and coherent thesis statement. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | Using specific details and line numbers from Wilson's essay really helps the student get their point across. | 3=Average | 3 | The student seems a little long winded in some of the writing. | ||||||||||||
87 | 4/11/2013 14:12:50 | 21 | 108 | I thought it was perfect. It is what I think a good thesis should be. It reveals the what and how of your essay about the assignment. | 5=Just about perfect; this is an upper level thesis statement; in fact, I don't know many students who write thesis statements so strongly; awesome | You are consistent with your thesis, and explain clearly the effects of the terms. You simply deliver. | 4=Good | 6 | Focus on thinking faster so to finish your essay just as strongly as you wrote the rest. Have an adiquate synopsis. You probably thought out the beginning very well just not where you were going and how to end, if you can't help finishing so abruptly then don't even waste time on trying. I thought it was a great essay. | ||||||||||||
88 | 4/11/2013 14:17:21 | 24 | 119 | Stayed on topic well. Supports his/her examples of the analytical writing. Shows effects well. Goes in depth well. Overall very good. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | The whole second paragraph is really strong I believe. Because he give a example and the goes in to detail. | 5=Awesome | 5 | This kids got it in the bag. Could talk about more. Give more ideas but overall I like :) | ||||||||||||
89 | 4/11/2013 14:19:31 | 30 | 128 | The thesis statement was well written and to the point. The student has very good ideas and builds a stable foundation for his/her essay. The student doesn't straddle the fence and is very clear in his/her thesis statement. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | The students overall essay was very strong and well written. The supporting details followed the prompt and they also supported the essay very well. | 5=Awesome | 8 | The writer should try to write neater to make it easier to read and also there was a couple of grammar mistakes. Overall good job and the essay was well written | ||||||||||||
90 | 4/11/2013 14:19:35 | 20 | 100 | The thesis is well written and clear enough to figure out what the essay is about. It is strong and to the point. With some more time and effort, this thesis has great potential. The choice of words were right on and good, as well as some of the structures used. One thing that needs to be improved, would be spelling, but its not a major issue since it is the rough draft and will be fixed. Overall, strong thesis and with more effort, has great potential. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | The strongest part of the essay would be the third paragraph. The third paragraph goes into depth and the flow of the words is good. The vocabulary used shows more detail and understanding for the reader to grasp. It all coheres together and shows nice explanation of the writers point of view. | 4=Good | 5 | As for the weaknesses for the essay, there weren't many. Everything sounded fine and fit nicely all together. The main thing was probably spelling. As far as spelling goes, it's not a major concern, dealing with it is a rough draft and corrections will be made. One other thing is that it is a bit too simplistic. Maybe work on going further in depth with what is written. | ||||||||||||
91 | 4/11/2013 14:21:17 | 25 | 116 | The thesis overall is not very clear and there are a very grammatical errors , but with a little polish in using different word choice and reviewing a little more it can become more then a decent thesis. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | Throughout the whole essay the person analyzed the subject very well and did a good job at it. There are no doubts that the person knows what a analytical essay is. | 3=Average | 4 | Just on trying to grab the readers attention more , but overall a good essay and to the point. | ||||||||||||
92 | 4/11/2013 14:21:51 | 22 | 109 | This a good thesis statement, but it is not perfect. No one is perfect but there is always room for improvement. The way this thesis statement can be improved is by adding details on HOW Wilson criticizes both parties. The addition of a couple of these details would have made this thesis a great one. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | There are good details through out this whole essay, for example: lines six through thirteen. | 3=Average | 4 | Although there were great supporting details throughout the essay, I feel as if the prompt was only being summarized. The addition of personal knowledge would have made the essay better. As well as the mentioning of more literary terms and the explanation of the effect towards the audience of said terms. | ||||||||||||
93 | 4/11/2013 14:23:00 | 22 | 109 | This a good thesis statement, but it is not perfect. No one is perfect but there is always room for improvement. The way this thesis statement can be improved is by adding details on HOW Wilson criticizes both parties. The addition of a couple of these details would have made this thesis a great one. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | There are good details through out this whole essay, for example: lines six through thirteen. | 3=Average | 4 | Although there were great supporting details throughout the essay, I feel as if the prompt was only being summarized. The addition of personal knowledge would have made the essay better. As well as the mentioning of more literary terms and the explanation of the effect towards the audience of said terms. | ||||||||||||
94 | 4/11/2013 14:27:31 | 27 | 110 | The writer basically restates what the prompt has said and not what the prompt asks. He/she doesn't verify how satire is used in the articles. | 2=Poor; an attempt at a thesis statement is evident, however, the statement hardly works as a foundational point | In the essay the writer talks about the "typical slang terms" used, this was a very good supporter. | 2=Poor | 2 | Commas. Try not using the same term over and over again. Try to find different supporting details for the opposing argument. Find something new and go out of your comfort box, there's a lot of great potential there. | ||||||||||||
95 | 4/11/2013 14:30:21 | 23 | 123 | The thesis statement was clear and simple. It's not a spectacular thesis statement, but it gets the point across. You can tell where this student was going with their paper. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | This student's strongest supporting details are located near the end of the fourth paragraph. It's strong because this student describes why the author used satire throughout the passages. | 4=Good | 6 | I gave this student a 6 because the criteria of a 6 paper matched this essay perfectly. This paper could easily be a 7 if this student fixed their writing mechanics. This student could also work on organizing their thoughts. | ||||||||||||
96 | 4/11/2013 14:32:11 | 38 | 102 | The thesis was more like a definition rather than a specific thought that could be supported with details. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The use of supporting details from the passages like when describing Wilson's satiric language. Also on the last paragraph the word "unproductiveness" describes the prompt. | 3=Average | 5 | One weakness to focus on diving in deeper. The student had good points, but they needed to be expressed a little more and it's effect wasn't described on most terms. | ||||||||||||
97 | 4/11/2013 14:34:57 | 31 | 118 | The student's strength and overall clarity of their thesis statement is moderate as it says how the two differentiating sides go about the conflict. Although the student had some minute spelling problems and were unable to explain how the author delivered their effect, they were still able to stick to the prompt mentioned in the excerpt. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | The student uses the fact that Wilson utilizes generalizations to get a response from his audience adding to the effect of the passage. The student mentions that Wilson's writing appeals to ignorant people in that they don't look at the other side of the story and make a conclusion on the matter. | 4=Good | 5 | The student should mainly focus on adding detail to their thesis statement so that the reader can receive a better analysis of the writing. The writer also had a few misspelled words that could have been easily fixed but that we're not severe. | ||||||||||||
98 | 4/11/2013 14:35:33 | 28 | 114 | The thesis sums up the essay written so it works. The clarity in what the essay is about is as clear as it can be. The sentences that the student provided before the thesis helped carry out the thesis better than if the thesis would have just stood alone. | 4="Now, this is good!"; this thesis statement is thought-provoking and, with further work, has great potential | Lines 12-16 provide strong support for the essay. By using specific terms in the essay such as "Environmentalist wackos and anti-environmentalist", it helps carry out the students thoughts and that they actually are paying attention. The diction used by the student is very linguistic and well used. | 3=Average | 4 | Some parts of the essay were a bit repetitive. (Lines 10 and 29) to avoid repetitiveness it would be a good idea to bring in different examples and points within the essay. Going more in depth with examples would be a good start to turn this essay into a grade or more higher. | ||||||||||||
99 | 4/11/2013 14:40:57 | 32 | 103 | The author's thesis is very brief, but very clear; there is no doubt that it is headed in the right direction. | 3=Average; nothing special about this thesis statement; the average student writes a thesis of this caliber | First of all, the author's word choice is great, and the syntax creates a flowing easy to read essay. As for the analysis here are a few high points: Lines 15-18 "Also, Wilson's side comments....of his opinion" Lines 35-38 "Wilson sneaks...people-first group" The entire 3rd paragraph | 4=Good | 3 | The essay was strung together very well in the end. All I can say is work on your "wow factor". (Keep on writing like you wrote your third paragraph and you'll be good) | ||||||||||||
100 | 4/12/2013 10:32:05 | 35 | 203 |