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��RESOLVING A CONFLICT�

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David Rasch PhD

Associate Ombuds, UCSB

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THE OMBUDS OFFICE� 805-893-3285 OMBUDS.UCSB.EDU

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  • Confidential

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  • Independent

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  • Informal

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  • Neutral

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION GOALS

  • Reduce Stress (fight, flight response)

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  • Increase Mutual Understanding

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  • Solve a Problem

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  • Improve or Repair a Relationship

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KNOW THYSELF

  • Know the signs that you need to have a difficult conversation
  • What emotions or physical feelings do you typically experience?
  • Know your habitual style of reacting to conflict*

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    • Avoiding
    • Accommodating
    • Compromising
    • Collaborating
    • Competing

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*K. Thomas, R.Kilman

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS

  • Listening skills

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  • Assertiveness skills

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  • Conflict resolution

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NON-PRODUCTIVE APPROACHES

  • Too much emotionally intensity
  • Character attacks, defensiveness
  • Interrupting, discounting, argumentative
  • Dominating the conversation, not listening
  • Stonewalling, refusing to discuss, silent treatment
  • Changing the topic
  • Lying, withholding
  • Passive aggression, gaslighting
  • Threats, intimidation, angry outbursts
  • Condescending, disrespectful, belittling, sarcastic

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BAD LISTENING EXERCISE

  • Triads - Listener, Speaker, Observer
  • Speaker picks a problem to discuss (nothing too traumatic)
  • Listener listens so speaker will feel they have not been heard
    • (subtle or blatant)
  • Observer watches the dynamics of the conversation
    • What is listener doing?
    • What is the emotional quality of the interaction?
    • How well are they connecting?
    • Is listener unable to stay in bad listener mode?

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REFLECTIVE/ACTIVE LISTENING

  • Pay attention and follow the speaker
  • Listen for the speaker’s real meaning
  • Restate the meaning:
    • Every so often
    • In your own words
    • Brief
    • With empathy but without interpretation, judgement

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*Look and listen for “Yes”, verbally or non-verbally

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*Resist trying to offer solutions or alternative perspectives

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REFLECTING FEELINGS

  • Tune into what the speaker might be feeling

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  • Notice language, voice tone and non-verbal signs

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  • Suggest a possible feeling in open ended way

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  • Connect the feelings to the thoughts being expressed

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REFLECTIVE LISTENING EXERCISE

  • Triads, switch roles
  • Speaker describes a problem (nothing too traumatic)
  • Listener applies reflective listening skills
  • Observer watches the dynamics of the conversation
    • Does the listener stay with reflective listening?
    • Watch for listener interpreting, sharing their own story, offering solutions
    • What is happening emotionally, are they connecting?

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ASSERTIVENESS

  • Get your needs met and maintain the relationship
  • Avoid direct or indirect blaming
  • Not demanding or intimidating
  • Avoid character attacks
  • Clear and direct
  • Stay on the point, be specific about what you feel or want
  • Be open to hearing the response

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION: PLANNING

  • Begin at lowest level of formality
  • Good time and location
  • Get clear about the problem and what you want
  • Factor in your sensitivities, triggers
  • Consider and consult about possible approaches
  • Consider risks and benefits
  • Look for win-win as opposed to right-wrong approaches
  • Use caution re: email/text/online communication

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS

  • Be prepared
  • Proceed with respect
  • Assertiveness
  • Reflective listening
  • Re-asserting
  • Conclusion, agreements, and follow-up

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SCENARIO

  • Jamie and Shawn are members of a project team which is a required part of their graduate class. Jamie is the team coordinator and is responsible for tracking their progress and setting up meetings.
  • Jamie has grown increasingly frustrated with Shawn, whom Jamie perceives as uncommitted and often late with completing tasks, which affects the whole team and their grade. Shawn frequently leaves team meetings early, citing health issues with a sick cat, which Jamie thinks is an excuse. Jamie has told Shawn about these concerns, but Shawn says little and there has been no change.
  • Shawn thinks that Jamie and the other members of the team are a clique. They frequently socialize together but don’t invite Shawn. Shawn feels like they belittle or ignore Shawn’s ideas and contributions. Shawn thinks Jamie is too bossy and has assumed more power in their team than the coordinator role warrants. Shawn hasn’t said anything, but has pulled back from the group. Shawn is very attached to their support animal, a cat who has developed leukemia.

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SCENARIO #2

  • Pat and Lorin have been assigned as project partners in one of their classes.
  • Pat has become concerned that they are not working well together and the fate of their project is at stake. Pat thinks Lorin talks too much during their work meetings, often digressing into long rants about their long-term Covid and difficult love life. Pat feels responsible for rescuing the project and has tried speaking up to bring their conversations back on track, but is usually unsuccessful because Lorin always interrupts her and changes the topic.
  • Lorin is anxious about being teamed up with Pat, whom Lorin perceives as being smarter and more experienced. When Pat speaks, Lorin feels inadequate and criticized and then obsesses about being kicked out of the program. Lorin talks compulsively to deal with these uncomfortable feelings. Lorin ‘s medical condition affects cognition, making it harder to think clearly about the complex problems they have to address in their project.

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THE OMBUDS OFFICE� 805-893-3285 OMBUDS.UCSB.EDU

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  • Confidential

​

  • Independent

​

  • Informal

​

  • Neutral

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