Principle

Skill

Critical Question(s)

1. Start with the heart

Focus on what you really want.

• What am I acting like I really want?
• What do I actually want? (for me, others, the relationship)
• How would I behave if I really did want this?

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Refuse the sucker’s choice.

• What do I not want?
• How do I go about getting what I really want and avoiding what I really don’t want?

2. Learn to Look

Look for when the conversation becomes crucial. Look for safety being compromised. Look for your style under stress.

• Am I going to choose silence or violence?
• What about others?

3. Make it safe

Apologize when appropriate. Contrast to fix misunderstanding. Commit to see mutual purpose. Recognize what someone is asking and separate that from why they want it. Invent a mutual purpose. Brainstorm new strategies.

• Why is safety at risk?
• Am I maintaining mutual respect?
• What will I do to rebuild safety?

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Taken from: Grenny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., & Gregory, E. (2022). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high (3rd ed.). McGraw Hill.  

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Principle

Skill

Crucial Question(s)

4. Master my stories

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Retrace my path to action. Separate fact from story. Watch for: Victim stories, villain stories, helpless stories.

Tell the rest of the story.

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• What is my story?
• What am I pretending not to know about my role in the problem?
• Why would a rational person do this?
• What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?
• Am I really open to others’ views?
• Am I talking about the real issue?
• Am I confidently expressing my own views?

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5. STATE my path

Share your facts.

Tell your story

Ask for others’ paths.

Talk tentatively.

Encourage testing.

• Am I really open to others’ views?
• Am I talking about the real issue?
• Am I confidently expressing my own views?

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Principle

Skill

Crucial Question(s)

6. Explore others’ paths

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Ask – others’ perspectives

Mirror – reflect what you see/hear

Paraphrase- restate what you think they are saying

Prime – offer possibilities for action if they won’t open up

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Then

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Agree – find something you both agree on

Build –add to what the other person said

Compare – respectfully rather than contrast harshly

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• Am I really exploring others’ paths?
• Am I avoiding unnecessary disagreement?

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7. Move to Action

Decide how you’ll decide.

Document decision and follow up.

• How will we make decisions?
• Who will do what by when?
• How will we follow up

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