Grief and the 12 Steps – Step 1

September 17-October 3, 2022

If you need the materials for the workshop, please email me at smithstrat@gmail.com and I will send them to you

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There are a few sheets to print out and it would be good if you had them printed for tonight – don’t worry and please stay if you can’t print them now

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I will be recording the audio for this and all of the meetings in this session. I will then edit them and make them available on the Google Drive site in a folder called Grief workshop recordings.

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We will meet three times for this workshop – Saturdays for 3 weeks, always at the same time – 9AM Eastern time – each session will be about three hours

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Welcome to All!

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If you are on a laptop, please rename yourself to your first name and where you are currently located like “Taury - New Orleans” – on a computer you do this by moving your mouse over your image on the screen, clicking the three dots in the upper right and clicking rename – on a phone you click settings and then click on your image at the top and then click on display name and you can change it there – you can also log into your account on Zoom.com and permanently change your name

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Please keep your mic muted when you are not talking. If you want to answer a question or say something brief, you can unmute your mic simply by pressing and holding the space bar while talking and then letting it go when you are done

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Let’s try a test now everyone press your space bar and say Hi

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If you have a question or something you would like to add, please raise your hand and I will call on you at a good time

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If you do have a question or something to add (which is welcome!) please keep it under 30 seconds and limit it to once per session – I may cut you off if you go longer or more frequently than that - This is not because I don’t love you! It is because I love all of you and we need to keep it moving to get through the material in a reasonable amount of time

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The most consistent criticism of the workshop is that people don’t like it when participants share too long or too frequently or when they talk over me when I am talking – please try to remember this – if you talk too long or too frequently or if your mic is always getting unmuted and you are making noise, you are probably going to be bothering other participants, some of whom will quit attending the workshop over this

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On the other hand, if you find yourself being annoyed by other participants, please hang in there! It will get better, I promise

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This Workshop

I am not a grief counselor and have zero professional training in this field – this is not meant as a substitute for grief counseling

I have been sober in AA for 36 years and I lead a workshop called “A Design for Living that Really Works” in which we go through all 12 steps out of the Big Book together

I have experienced grief which I will share with you in the course of the workshop, and I have worked with others who have experienced grief and I have seen that the Twelve steps can help

This is the second time we have done a workshop focused on grief, so I am very curious to see what approaches are most effective and I am counting on all of you to help

This will help me as much as it helps you, so I expect nothing in return. I only hope that if you do find it helpful that you will pass on your experience to others

All are Welcome

All are welcome here whether you are an AA member or not

The Twelve Steps were first developed for use in helping alcoholics recover from alcoholism in AA but there are now dozens of other 12 step programs

We will be using the AA Big Book for some guidance, but if you are not an alcoholic, please just substitute your particular situation - “a fellow sufferer” is fine

Sharing Partner

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This workshop will be most effective if you can get a sharing partner and share with each other in between the sessions

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You can use your sponsor if you wish, or you can get a sharing partner who is also in this workshop

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If you need to find a sharing partner or you would be willing to be a sharing partner, it would be great if you could put your name in the chat and then private message with others who are also looking for a partner and exchange contact information

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We will stay online at the end of the session so people can find a sharing partner

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Please keep everything you hear of a private nature in confidence

Judgement-Free Zone

This is a judgment free zone – no one will be judged for what they are grieving or how they are grieving – please try not to compare

We are here to work the steps on grief – to apply the principles that work so well in other parts of our lives to this sometimes extremely complicated process

If people cry or express other emotions, that is completely welcome

For some their grief may be very fresh, for others it may be something you have been dealing with for a while - all are welcome

If at any point it all feels like too much, it is fine to take time out or to simply log off – I understand that this is really difficult and know that we all support you

We will probably do it again if people feel as though it is helpful

Short Silent Meditation

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We will start each session with a prayer or prayers – the way we do it is to have one person read the prayer over the Zoom, but all of us should say the prayer out loud wherever we are – its important to say the prayers and they are an important part of the workshop

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SET-ASIDE PRAYER

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God, please help me set aside everything I think I know about

myself and others, my disease, the twelve steps�and all spiritual terms - especially you God;

so that I may have an open mind and a

new experience with all these things.�Please help me see the Truth.

Amen.

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Grief

Grief is the range of thoughts and emotions we go through when we suffer a loss of some kind (a death, lost relationship, lost dream, etc)

Grief is a part of life and if we live long enough, we all experience it – Everyone and everything except God is impermanent

It takes time – if your loss is very fresh, you may be in a different place than someone who experienced a loss years ago

Everyone grieves differently, every situation is different, and we commonly do not get a lot of helpful instruction on how to go through it

Many are uncomfortable around those who are grieving – If they are not grieving the same thing or in the same way, they commonly don’t know what to say or sometimes do say things that are not that helpful

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Sometimes we grieve a loss and we go through the feelings of sorrow and then completely let go and this release almost feels good - we do not have a lot of “self” involved in these cases

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But in other cases, we can get stuck in the “bondage of self” around grief and get lost in alcoholism, other addictions, resentment, fear, isolation, anxiety and depression, self-delusion, negative stories about life and more – some may even become addicted to grief

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In these cases, the unprocessed grief may have blocked us from a felt connection with God and other people

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The purpose of the steps is to unblock us from a felt connection with God or “Being” and in that state, God can work through us and solve our problem

There is a certain amount of pain that is part of life when we lose someone or a relationship we care about and it is healthy and normal to experience grief and mourning. But we commonly add unnecessary suffering through our unconscious reactions to the loss and the steps can help us with the self-created suffering that may keep us in addiction or from living a full life

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The goal is to find a felt connection with a Power greater than ourselves that will enable us to let the grief flow through us

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It is a process of acceptance and letting go – identifying any self-created suffering and getting free of it, allowing ourselves to feel any remaining pain of the loss and letting go

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We then use our experience to help others

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…when a loved one has died, or you feel your own death approaching, you cannot be happy. It is impossible. But you can be at peace. There may be sadness and tears, but provided that you have relinquished resistance, underneath the sadness you will feel a deep serenity, a stillness, a sacred presence. This is the emanation of Being, this is Inner Peace, the good that has no opposite.

– Eckhart Tolle

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Recovery from grief is not reaching a place where we have no feelings or sadness. It is reaching a place where we can feel feelings but at the same time have a sense of connection to a Higher Power and Inner Peace – the good that has no opposite. In this way we can release or let go and put our experience in God’s hands and eventually use it to help others who might be struggling

Inventory of Losses

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This sheet is for our inventory of losses – Try to fill this out now, with a short description of the loss and the year it occurred (if you can do them in chronological order that may help to see a pattern)

Inventory of Losses – Types of Losses

• Death of a family member (spouse, parent, child, grandparent, etc)
• Death of a friend
• Loss of a child during pregnancy or childbirth
• Loss of a pet
• Divorce or breakup
• Loss of friendship
• Loss of job or career
• Injury or disease that has left you disabled

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• Being forced to move or change schools
• Not having one or both parents or your children in your life
• Loss of a dream or life you thought you were going to have
• Life-threatening or terminal illness, getting old, body falling apart, losing your looks
• Anything else that you feel a sense of loss over

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Leave Blank for Now

Mental Health

On a scale of 1-10, how difficult has this loss been to release?

It is fine to just put one loss down, but if you are up for it make a list of your major losses or sources of grief with the approximate year or your age at the time - I decided to change the heading on the far-right column

Grief is similar to resentment which means to “re-feel.” We will use some of the approach laid out in the Big Book for dealing with resentment.

P.65. “Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal or sex relations that had been interfered with?”

Now go through the ways your “self” might have been hurt and place an X below those that apply for each loss.

• Self-Esteem – Did this loss affect what you thought of yourself or how you cared for yourself?
• Pride – Was your pride injured by this loss? Did or do you worry about what others think of you as a result?
• Pocketbook – Were your money, property and sense of financial security affected?
• Ambitions – Were your career or life goals affected by this loss?
• Security – Did you feel less safe and secure after this loss?
• Personal relationships – Did this loss affect your relationships with others? Did you withdraw or isolate yourself?
• Sex Relations - Did you lose a partner or was your interest in sex affected? Did you start acting out sexually after this loss?

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• Hopes and Dreams – Were your hopes and dreams and thoughts about how your life would be affected?
• Attitude toward God – Was your attitude toward God affected? Did you become angry with God or lose faith?
• Attitude and Outlook on Life - Did your attitude and outlook on life change after this loss? Did you become more negative or pessimistic? Did you lose sense of purpose and meaning?
• Ability to Trust – Was your ability to trust people affected by this loss? Did it go against your sense of fairness?
• Alcoholism – did you use alcohol to medicate the feelings? Did your alcoholism take off after this event?
• Other addictions – Did you use drugs, sex, food, work, gambling, spending, television, internet, smoking or anything else addictively after this loss?
• Mental Health – Did your overall mental health decline after this loss?

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In the right-hand column try to come up with a number from 1-10 of how difficult this loss was or has been to release with 10 being the most difficult

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over loss—that our lives had become unmanageable

Loss is a part of life – if we live long enough, we will experience many small losses and multiple major losses – we don’t get to choose

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Are you powerless over loss?

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Our “self” is commonly hurt by these losses and we react, typically unconsciously without really choosing our reaction – it just happens and we may not be fully aware of how we are reacting at the time

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This leads to unmanageability in our lives

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We may have trouble accepting what is, try to avoid or medicate feelings we don’t want to feel or that we don’t know how to manage, withdraw and isolate ourselves, and more – this can go on for years

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“Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable”

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Admitting that our lives have become unmanageable means that when we, or more accurately our “self” or “ego” try to run or manage our own lives – even sober - we end up suffering from problems that we cannot seem to solve no matter how hard we try.

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P. 52, A good description of some of symptoms of an unmanageable life can be found in the “Bedevilments” in the middle paragraph, second sentence.

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“We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living [or were having problems with money], we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people.”

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Our “emotional natures” might include anger, hurt feelings, guilt, sadness, frustration, anxiety, impatience, loneliness, self-pity, despair, self-loathing, a feeling of emptiness inside, jealousy, envy, feeling trapped as a prisoner in our own lives, and more.

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Write down any thoughts or feelings that you find yourself stuck in or that keep returning around the loss you have suffered that brought you to this workshop – these could include any of the bedevilments discussed on the previous slide

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Do you suffer from some of the bedevilments and other feelings around

your loss?

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Many of us have used alcohol, drugs, smoking, work, sex, food, gambling, isolating, spending, trying to control others and outside situations and other things in an innocent attempt to manage or escape from our feelings. These things can then become areas of unmanageability in our lives.

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Have you used any of these or anything else to try to mask or manage your feelings?

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Admitting that “our lives have become unmanageable” is an admission that despite our best efforts, we still end up with problems we can’t seem to solve. It is an admission that “my way is not going to work.”

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Despite your best efforts, are you struggling with unmanageability around the loss?

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If you answer yes to these questions, then you have taken the second part of Step 1. If you have admitted that you are powerless over loss and that your life has become unmanageable than you have taken Step 1.

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In unison: I admit that I am powerless over loss--that my life has become unmanageable.

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We have now taken Step 1.

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Note that the writing on page 52 promises that we will find a solution to these bedevilments. We will see later that unmanageability arises from a spiritual malady. If you have suffered or are currently suffering from this spiritual malady, the steps offer a way out.

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P. 44. First paragraph, “In the preceding chapters…to… spiritual experience can conquer.”