Module 7: Relational capabilities

• Humans are relational: We need relationships to survive and thrive. The quality of our relate-ability is key for a successful and fulfilled life
• As our deepest hurts also stem from relationships, we encounter many protectors when relating. We may feel this as a tension between our desire to be connected and our fear to be intimate (i.e., our desire to stay safe)
• Relational skills can be (re-)learned. Experimenting with them and skilling us up makes our protectors relax over time

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1) Relational Presence

• The most basic skill is to sense the other when relating (body, emotions, mind), and to stay present in myself while doing so
• While we often believe we need to give advice or problem solve, relational presence alone is highly value adding, as it helps the other person to regulate and re-access her own capacity

2) Listening and compassionate inquiry

• Listening out of Self (i.e., with curiosity and compassion) is the essence of a related conversation
• We often get stuck when we listen to little, and advocate our position or try to convince too much
• Paraphrasing what the other person said is a great tool to ensure you really listen and got it, and for the other to relax into being heard
• Listening can happen on the level of the other persons position, and ideally expands to listening to emotions and intents
• In stuck conversations, we can often not find common ground on the level of initial positions- but when we go down to underlying intent or needs, more becomes possible

3) Healthy boundaries

• We might have learned to protect ourselves in relationships by being too closed (“walled-off”) or too open (“boundaryless”)
• It is important to be able to have healthy boundaries, which are permeable enough to sense and be touched by another person, but strong enough to protect my integrity and needs

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• Healthy boundaries allow me to say ”yes” and “no” clearly, and to filter other people’s assessments for what I believe to be true�

4) Requests

• It is important to express what we want and expect in relationships (as opposed to the myth that “If you really understood and appreciated me, I would not need to ask for this)
• We might not do this as an old protection, e.g., for fear of rejection, or because we learned as kids that our needs don’t matter
• Requesting is empowering, and helps both the requester and other person �

5) Finger pointing

• When we blame, accuse, judge or want the other person to change to improve the realtionship, we are usually acting out of a protective part (remeber: “Self” is always curious and compassionate, and has neither agenda not judgement)
• At times, I might even be projecting relational experiences from former times to the current situation (e.g., I might be fighting my mother when with my wife, or my father when with a senior man)
• When I feel my activation, it is good to pause, and to do a “U-turn”- turning the finger from pointing to “you” back to myself. And to dialogue with my pert (see next page)�

6) Co-regulation

• When both parties are activated (acting out of parts), likelihood is high that the situation will stay activated and may even escalate
• When one partner manages to self-regulate, (s)he can help the other person calm down, and enable the conversation to be in “Self” energy (e.g., by presence and listening, see 1) and 2) above)
• In order to self-regulate, it might be helpful to agree to take a break for a certain time (e.g., 15 to 20 min)
• The protocol on the next page might help, as might meditation, going for a walk, taking a few breaths etc..

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Working with my own parts in a relationship when both are activated: Take a break, then ….

… and then meeting your partner with curiosity and compassion

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Assignment: Relational capabilities

In your circles, take a turn for each person:

• Person A:
• Pick 1-2 areas of relational skills we dealt with in Module 7 that you feel you want to work on �(e.g., presence/feeling you, difficult conversations, boundaries, making requests, blaming, projections)
• Describe how you are struggling in this area, how your current protective pattern shows up
• Circle peers:
• While person is sharing, try to be with the person sharing with compassion and curiosity, refraining from problem solving, advice…
• Person A:
• Share what the damage/cost of your current pattern has been to relationships (and you)
• Pause: feel the sensations and emotions associated with this damage (e.g., sadness, anger…), and share
• Share what you are really longing for in relationship
• Pause: feel the longing, and let yourself be felt by your circle peers
• Share how a different approach could contribute to the longing
• Share specific ways in which you want to practice the new skill/approach
• If you want, ask circle peers for advice or feedback
• Circle peers:
• Share what touched you, and (only!) if requested, any feedback

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