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Invisible challenges of self-care

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Invisible challenges

Sensations, emotions, feelings, thoughts
We can’t fully experience other people’s internal worlds
What’s normal? Relatable? Healthy?
How do we know when things go wrong and what to do about it?
Stories & research

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Helen Keller

The power of words

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…and somehow the mystery of language was revealed to me. I knew then that “w-a-t-e-r” meant the wonderful cool something that was flowing over my hand. That living word awakened my soul, gave it light, hope, joy, set it free! There were barriers still, it is true, but barriers that could in time be swept away.

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Outline

What is self-care?
Where does self-care come from?
How to develop self-care manually
Barriers to self-care

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Outline

What is self-care?
Where does self-care come from?
How to develop self-care manually
Barriers to self-care

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Self-care

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Common challenges with self-care

Struggling to say “no”
Neglecting rest
Inconsistent exercise
Skipping meals
Avoiding hard conversations
Overspending
Unhealthy comparison
Being self-critical
Not asking for help

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What does good self-care look like?

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What does good self-care look like?

Self-care is largely internal, to meet internal needs
Normal, expected, common, might not mean healthy
Your needs are specific to your unique body-brain
Experimentation and listening
Common sense advice might not be suitable

Given that self-care is largely an internal experience, and its purpose is to meet our needs, many of which are also internal, would you rather have something that looks right but feels wrong, or feels right but looks wrong?

All too often, we focus on what’s normal, what other people are doing, what’s expected. But there are a lot of normal things that aren’t healthy at all. Naturally, we seeks ideas from other people, or existing knowledge, but just keep in mind that self-care is deeply personal. It’s about how to meet your individual needs, according to your neurology, your body-brain, your environment, your choices and goals. That kind of attunement comes about through experimentation and consistently trying to listen to and understand your body, your needs.

If you’re struggling with common-sense advice on how to do better, often either you’re on the wrong path, or you’ve chosen the wrong destination. And with the theme of invisible challenges, often we don’t even know that alternative destinations exists and might be more suitable for us.

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Key components of self-care

Physical care – sleep, nutrition, exercise, rest
Mental health care – stress management, boundaries, mindfulness, mental stimulation
Emotional care – emotional awareness, healthy relationships, expression, self-compassion
Social care – connection, support networks, alone time
Spiritual care – purpose, reflection, gratitude
Practical care – time management, financial health, environment

But let’s now explore more concretely, some common key areas of self-care.

We can identify 6 broad categories corresponding to physical needs, mental needs, emotional, social, spiritual, and practical needs. And we can probably agree on most or all of these things being good to stay on top of. Now I’m curious, can any of you instantly think of someone you know who seems to be doing well in every single category? They just seem to not have any serious struggles in life. Anyone?

Knowing of these self-care components isn’t the same as knowing them in detail. You could pick any one of these subcategories, and honestly you could spend months or years learning about the ins and outs before you become truly well versed. So the first challenge might be learning about these topics. But I would argue that even if you uploaded all this knowledge into your brain, there still might be a lot of challenges going from knowledge to habits.

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How do people get good at self-care?

How then, do people get good at self-care? Let me ask you this specifically: What do you think is the smoothest path a person can take that ends up with good self-care?

I think by far the smoothest path is to have absorbed good self-care from having a healthy and fulfilling childhood. Now, obviously we don’t choose our parents or caregivers, or what environment where we were born in. But I’m going to use this example, of people who received a solid head start by early adulthood, because it highlights what the rest of us didn’t receive that’s still going to be relevant for those of us trying to develop self-care as an adult.

Learning self-care from scratch or manually as an adult is really hard. Personally, I don’t think that winging it is very effective, and I’ll talk about why shortly.

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Outline

What is self-care?
Where does self-care come from?
How to develop self-care manually
Barriers to self-care

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Self-care is an expression of:

Self-esteem
Self-worth
Self-love
Self-confidence

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Self-esteem

Self-esteem is your overall opinion of: yourself, your worth and value as a person, and your beliefs about your abilities and limitations.
Healthy self-esteem means having a balanced and realistic self-appraisal.
Self-esteem is often considered the foundation of mental health.

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Self-worth

Internalised belief that you are fundamentally enough, and worthy of love and belongingness.
Unconditional acceptance of yourself.
“I am worthy of love.”
“I am enough as I am.”

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Trying to earn love

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Self-love

Loving yourself no matter what
Accepting, caring for, and showing compassion to yourself
Nurturing your well-being, both emotionally and physically
Putting yourself first

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Self-confidence

Trusting in oneself and one’s abilities

Healthy self-confidence:

Feeling positively about yourself
Believing that you can take on life’s challenges
Believing that you’ll be okay

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Receiving self-esteem from childhood

The parent feels an emotional connection to the child.
The parent pays attention to the child and sees them as a unique and separate person, rather than, say, an extension of him or herself, a possession or a burden.
Using that emotional connection and paying attention, the parent responds competently to the child’s emotional need.

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12 unhealthy parenting styles

1. Narcissistic parent

2. Authoritarian parent

3. Permissive parent

4. Bereaved parent

5. Addicted parent

6. Depressed parent

7. Workaholic parent

8. Parent with special needs family member

9. Perfectionist parent

10. Sociopathic parent

11. Child as parent

12. Parents with low self-esteem

Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect�(by Jonice Webb)

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Observations about parenting

Physical nurture alone is less than half the job of parenting
Emotional nurture naturally begets physical nurture,�but not necessarily vice versa
The child gradually internalises self-care practices through the quality of care they receive
If the child has low self-esteem, self-worth, etc, then any self-care learned is likely to crumble as soon as supervision, habits, or the initial environment falls away; the foundation isn’t there
Parents unaware of emotional nurture can’t provide it for children

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What if I don’t have healthy self-esteem?

Move to or create a safe environment
Manually learn related skills, including self-love, self-care, self-regulation, understanding and processing emotions
Practice specific exercises until these skills become more automatic
Heal from past emotional traumas e.g. through therapy
Gradually absorb self-esteem through healthy, loving relationships
(Take drugs/medicine?)

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Why should I believe that I’m lovable?

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Emotional trauma

Severe events (war, physical/sexual abuse, assault, disasters, witnessing crimes/accidents, chronic illness, terrorism, bullying)
Trauma now understood as an internal experience
Emotional neglect: trauma can arise from things that didn’t happen, even when “nothing bad” happened
Trauma has widespread effects on the body
Significant gaps exist between research vs therapy practices vs collective experiential knowledge

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Pathways in the body affected by trauma (1)

Sympathetic nervous system triggers the Five F responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, and Flop.
Logic and reason are not effective for talking yourself out of your response to stumbling across a tiger.
Response to physical danger, but same thing gets triggered by emotional threats.
The overall stress of being in this state affects many pathways in the body, taking a toll in the long run.

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Pathways in the body affected by trauma (2)

Parasympathetic nervous system (which calms the body) may be disrupted, leading to either heightened arousal or disassociation.
Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) Axis: Trauma can over-activate the body’s stress response, leading to chronic release of cortisol, which causes anxiety, fatigue, sleep disruption, and immune system suppression.
Vagus nerve: Trauma can lead to poor vagal tone, resulting in dysregulated stress response, contributing to anxiety and digestive issues

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Pathways in the body affected by trauma (3)

Endocrine system:

Chronic cortisol production can affect memory, mood, immune function.
High cortisol levels can lead to weight gain, diabetes, inflammation
Chronic activation of adrenaline release can strain the cardiovascular system
Chronic stress can affect thyroid function, leading to fatigue, weight changes, disrupted metabolism

Immune system can be weakened from chronic stress associated with trauma. Long-term dysregulation can increase the risks of autoimmune diseases.

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Pathways in the body affected by trauma (4)

Digestive system: Trauma affects the gut-brain connection and enteric nervous system, and can lead to digestive issues (IBS, nausea, bloating, appetite changes, microbiome balance)
Musculoskeletal system: Chronic muscle tension and postural issues
Limbic system (in the brain):

Trauma heightens the activity of the amygdala, making the person more sensitive to perceived threats
Hippocampus: Trauma can result in memory problems
Prefrontal cortex: Trauma can impair decision-making, emotional regulation, and impulse control

Hormonal imbalances can occur due to chronic trauma-induced stress, affecting menstrual cycles, libido, and even leading to fertility issues

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Pathways affected by trauma (summary)

The Five Fs are a physical response.
When that response is activated, what you need is safety; it is unhelpful to apply standards of logic or reason.
Trauma and its related stress response can lead to digestive issues, anxiety, inflammation, poor sleep, immune system problems, memory problems, impaired decision making, fatigue, weight changes, hormonal imbalances, and permanent changes in the brain.
Emotional trauma is a physical phenomenon that can have a long-term or permanent impact on the body.

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The link between emotional neglect and emotional trauma

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Receiving self-esteem from childhood

The parent feels an emotional connection to the child.
The parent pays attention to the child and sees them as a unique and separate person, rather than, say, an extension of him or herself, a possession or a burden.
Using that emotional connection and paying attention, the parent responds competently to the child’s emotional need.

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Outline

What is self-care?
Where does self-care come from?
How to develop self-care manually
Barriers to self-care

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My opinion on developing self-care

There’s no universal answer
No individual framework that can permanently meet all your needs
Pathological views often don’t provide any genuine insight
Some frameworks are more suitable than others
Order of development matters a lot
Your individual differences often matter more than existing population-level research can capture
Your specifics are unique to you: your needs, your journey, what works well for you and how to get there
Life-long experimentation and listening to your body is key

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My proposed self-care development strategy

Learn to recognise and embrace imperfection and “failure” as a practical and courageous way forward
Experiment a lot while listening to how your body responds
Learn how your body-brain responds to learning specific skills
Over time, map out a “skill tree” specific to your body-brain, and use that to learn skills in the most effective order

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Skill order matters

There are skill hierarchies when trying to learn any advanced skill
Each skill is subject to the four stages of competence�(ignorance, awareness, learning, mastery)
Fundamentals need to be mastered before higher-level mastery is possible
Trying to progress too fast leads to bad habits, which impede long-term progress

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Example of a self-care development tree

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