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THE APOLOGY UNRAVELED

International Conflict Resolution Day October 19, 2023

Train the Trainer �September 21, 2023

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The Apology Unraveled

Organization:

Facilitators:

Facilitator A & B (12:00 pm – 12:01 pm) - 1 minute

(Note: If two people are presenting, “Facilitator A” and “Facilitator B” will be used at the top of each notes page to demonstrate which instructor is responsible for each slide and where switch off needs to occur. If only one instructor is facilitating training, discard comments).

Welcome to the annual celebration of Conflict Resolution Day!!

My name is _____________ and I am joined by co-presenter __________________.

Thank you for joining us today to celebrate Conflict Resolution Day and to talk about The Unraveled Apology.

Housekeeping Matters:

Please type any questions using the Chat feature. There will be opportunities throughout the workshop where I’ll bring up your questions.
Closed captioning is available - please click on the “Live Transcript” button at the bottom of your screen and enable "Show Subtitles”

We encourage you to engage with us throughout the presentation using the Chat function.

The webinar is being recorded and will be posted on Conflict Resolution Day’s website as well as on our Youtube Channel.

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Land Acknowledgement

Facilitator B (12:01 pm – 12:02 pm) Land Acknowledgement

(Today we meet virtually, OR Today as we gather) as individuals we participate on lands previously occupied by indigenous peoples. We are encouraged to remember the heritage, the history, as well as the important contributions of many races and cultures in our shared history. Let us begin by acknowledging that for thousands of years indigenous peoples have walked this land, weaving identity and spirituality intimately with the land. We acknowledge with respect that we live, work and play on lands often delineated by treaty, or otherwise occupied by settlers. Keep us mindful of the many covenants and treaties that we have made, and often broken, with indigenous peoples. Knowing that indigenous people have suffered, may we find new ways to live with respect on this land, moving into reconciliation as we journey forward together.

Image resource: https://tati.on.ca/about/land-acknowledgement/

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What is Conflict Resolution Day (CRD)?

International celebration every October

Bring awareness to field of conflict resolution

Alberta Dispute Resolution Network (CRD Committee)

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Introduction to Apology: Session Overview

Exercise - Apology experiences
Components of an Apology
Jumping to Conclusions
I-Statements
Diffusing Conflict
Listening
Empathy
Managing expectations
Forgiveness

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Apologies: The good, the bad…You be the judge!

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Example #1:

“I am truly sorry for poking fun at you. Although it wasn’t my intention to hurt your feelings, I recognize that my words were hurtful. What can I do to make this better?”

You Be the Judge

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Example #2:

“I had no right to yell at you, you didn’t deserve it. I understand if you are upset and I want you to know that I will work hard to regain your trust and respect.”

You Be the Judge

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Example #3:

“I know I shouldn't have done that. I know I probably should have asked you first. I know I can sometimes be a bull in a china shop.”

You Be the Judge

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The Components of an Apology

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The Components of the Apology

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Identify

Empathize

Analyze

Plan

Here’s exactly what I regret

Here’s how I think my behaviour

made you feel

Here’s why I did

what I did

Here’s how i’m planning changes so it is less likely to happen again and here’s some evidence that it’s already happening

EMPOWEREDCURIOUSITY

ANATOMY OF AN APOLOGY

Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Now let's discuss the anatomy of an apology and how to apologize.

How to Apologize

1st point:

The first step in apologizing is to own your part in the situation. This does not necessarily mean you agree, but you validate that your action on non-actions had an impact on the other. This conveys that you understand how your behaviour or lack thereof was perceived and how you influenced the situation. As in every relationship it takes two to create the experience, so it is crucial we are able to understand and own our own part, even when our intention was not to harm.

2nd Point:

The second step is to verbally express empathy. The importance of this lies in the fact that you are willing to repair and move forward in a way that feels good or perhaps healthy to the other person. When repair is missing, the other person may not feel the relationship is valued or that it is worth repairing to you.

3rd and 4th Point:

The next steps of an apology is a vow to do better. You are communicating that you would like to improve. You are now able to do this following the first two steps in which you owned your part, made an attempt to repair, and now you are ready to learn how to improve. This step likely requires input from the other in creating a plan on how to improve, based on what is important in the relationship.

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“Excuse me”

“I’m Sorry”

Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

What about Canada? We’re famous for saying “sorry”, but are we apologizing? Let’s play a game to explore this idea further.

[Excuse me versus I am sorry game] Example, You are in line at Tim Horton’s and you bump into someone in the line trying to move towards the front faster, did you mean I’s Sorry, or Excuse me….

Paul reubens video https://www.youtube.`/watch?v=BF_sahvR4mw [1:01 min]

Additional Resource:

The Art of the Mindful Apology: Why 'Sorry' is Not Enough (gottman.com)

Using sorry as an occasional, heartfelt response to disappointment can be very effective at work or at home. At its best, it demonstrates humility and asks for atonement. But its overuse can be perceived as excuse-making. Add actively pursuing an immediate correction and recovery to a time you want to use the word sorry. Action to repair and recover can be a positive alternative to the word sorry. - John M. O'Connor, Career Pro Inc.

Source https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/06/01/stop-apologizing-10-alternative-approaches-to-im-sorry/?sh=6888f192550d]

The Apology Act

Canadians are so polite and so notoriously nice that we had to introduce the Apology Act. This Act was passed in 2009 and it made apologies inadmissible in court. So, saying “sorry” meant “an expression of sympathy or regret” not “an admission of fault or liability in connection with the matter to which the words or actions relate.”

Otherwise, can you imagine all the Canadians in trouble?

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Jumping to Conclusions

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“In the absence of

information, we jump to the worst

conclusions”

- Myra Kassim

Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

In other words try and avoid assuming that someone acted out of an intentional desire to cause harm if there is a different, plausible explanation for their behavior.

For example, maybe that other student didn’t know that the seat belonged to me? Honest mistake.

Jumping to Conclusions

1st Point:

Definition of Jumping to Conclusions: when a person comes to an unwarranted decision - usually a negative assumption - without all of the information (e.g. SOMEONE Cuts the line)

Many people fail to recognize that they are missing all the relevant facts
Have overconfidence in their abilities
Can result from: preconceived notions, prejudices, or unconscious bias
Form of cognitive bias

2nd Point:

Three Types of Jumping to Conclusions:

Fortune Telling - we believe we know how a situation will resolve without enough information
Labeling - use preconceptions, fallacies, or overgeneralizations to make assumptions about a person or situation rather than relying on existing evidence
Mind reading - believing that we understand how someone is thinking without supporting evidence

3rd Point:

Reasons why people Jump to Conclusions:

People rely on mental shortcuts -- heuristics -- which increase the speed of our judgment and decision-making
Saves energy, but at the cost of accuracy and optimality

Put plainly, jumping to conclusions can cause stress, anxiety and breach trust leading to conflict with others.

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How can we avoid jumping to conclusions?

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Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

So how Can we Avoid Jumping to Conclusions?

1st Point:

Take a moment to reflect on the event or scenario.

Slow down and think through a given situation
Ask what information could help you to reach a defensible conclusion
What are the other, competing hypotheses?
Am I favoring a single hypothesis too early on?
Try and poke holes in your conclusion?
Are some of the observations actually inferences?
Do you recall a similar situation in the past?

2nd Point:

Now that you have the information, you’re informed, consider whether an apology is needed or whether you can move on…

3rd Point:

Jumping to conclusions can create an elevated emotional environment. The difference between being in a responsive state, and a reactive state. When we are worked up, anxiety creeps in, and we make uninformed assumptions that could lead to escalated conflict without merit.

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TALK ABOUT IT

Let’s

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Setting

The

Stage

Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

In our next segment, let’s work from the place that there has been some conflict, and an apology is warranted and let's look at how we can communicate this to the other party.

The first step is to let the other party know how you feel in a way that not only provides information but does so in a way that avoids escalating conflict. This can be done through use of an “I-Statement”.

I-statements were discussed in detail in 2018 during our Confidence and Communication presentation.

Communicating a Concern: I-Statements

1st Point:

An important first step when communicating concerns or creating ‘I statements’ is to consider these 6 things:

Am I ready to process this regrettable incident? According to Julie Gottman, “processing” means that you can talk about the incident without getting back into it again.
Have my emotions been calm today and can I have a calm conversation about this incident? It’s helpful to think of watching this incident on your TV. This can help create some emotional distance necessary to discuss what occurred.
Am I willing to seek to understand my other’s experience of the event and validate that each of our emotional realities are legitimate? Hint: Don’t focus on “the facts.”
Am I willing to speak from my experience without trying to persuade my partner?
Am I willing to ATTUNE to the other’s feelings and what the event meant to them?
Are we in a distraction-free space where we can be fully present with each other?

2nd Point:

I-Statements – what are they?

I statements are when you tell another person how their behavior is affecting you. Because these are sharing statements rather than attacking ones, they can be received as statements of fact.

I statements can be:

a. Direct statements

“I am annoyed…”

“I feel irritated over…”

“I feel furious with…”

b. A description of what one is experiencing.

“I am shaking inside over…”

“I am boiling inside because…”

c. A description of your ‘action’ fantasy

“I feel like hitting, kicking…”

“I am so mad I could chew nails and spit rust…”

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I FEEL

________

BECAUSE

________

WHEN

________

WHAT I NEED IS

________

GoodTherapy.org

“I” STATEMENTS

Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

3rd Point:

Here’s a good example of creating an I statement:

1. “When I was [yelled at and called an idiot (names)]…” – Concrete behavior with no interpretation.

2. “… then I felt [frustrated, confused, anxious, and defensive]…” – Named emotions, not thoughts.

3. “… and in the future, I wish we could takes steps like [count to ten, take some deep breaths, and use a calm voice to let me know where the upset is derived].

[Note: Ask participants to list how they might feel in Chat using each example above, start with the first one and work through “I” then when done move to 2]

I feel…

When…

Because…

What I need is…

Additional Resource: The Centre for Mens Excellence: Assertive Communication

https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-we-used-the-aftermath-of-a-fight-to-repair-our-relationship/

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You’re wrong. You need to listen to me

You’re always late. I’m not covering for your irresponsibility anymore

Why would I help you finish that project? It’s not my fault you’re behind.

Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Alright, this is time for your input. Let’s use the chat, what is a better way to say these statements:

“You’re wrong. You need to listen to me.”

“You’re always late. I’m not covering for your irresponsibility anymore.”

“Why would I help you finish that project? It’s not my fault you are behind.”

[this is interactive, facilitator will get feedback and input from the participants] Otherwise:

1- Restated: I am trying to discuss what is occurring and would like the opportunity for you to listen to me. When I was interrupted, I was frustrated and not able to clarify what I was explaining

2-Restated: I was alone, I was responsible to provide coverage as you were not there yet. I felt frustrated, it is important to be on time so that we can both be prepared.

3-Restated: The project is not finished, I do not understand what happened for you to be behind and ma unclear where I can help, I have my own work to complete, I am frustrated.

I-statements will very likely feel a bit awkward or robotic the first few times you use it, but as you practice, you’ll see how applicable – and useful – this technique can be with a variety of people including work colleagues, family, spouses, children, friends, etc.

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Defusing Conflict

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Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

During the presentation we explored the emotional reaction of conflict, positions versus interests, and what you should consider when involved in conflict.

1st Point:

Emotional reactions:
Triggers, which is an emotional reaction to an event. This occurs when our needs are not being met or are being challenged. It is important to be aware of your reactions
Defusing triggers and reactions
Explored Reactions versus Responses

Reaction - typically quick, without much thought, tense and aggressive
Response - thought-out, calm, non-threatening.

2nd Point:

Positions vs interests

Positions are claims we make about an issue that have been validated through our experiences and we hold the as our judgment on the matter

Interests are the WHY we want what we want -- the underlying reasons, values or motivations

3rd Point:

In a conflict it is important to consider:

What could the other person's position be?
What could their interests be?
What feelings could they be experiencing?
What are their concerns, hopes, and fears?

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Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

[This is a crossword puzzle activity to complete as a group. The answers are provided in the hidden slide which is part of your presentation deck when you pull your materials from our website] Go through the questions for Down then Accross.

Summary Vocab Review:

Triggers: It is important be aware of your emotions before you respond to a conflict. When triggered, our emotional reactions are often instinctively negative - they aggravate, worsen, exacerbate a situation. You may end up overreacting, saying something out of anger, or responding in an uncharacteristic manner.

A reaction: is typically quick, without much thought, tense and aggressive. A reaction is fueled by emotion. A reaction typically provokes more reactions.

A response: is thought out, calm and non-threatening. A response typically provokes discussion – perpetuating healthy discussion (debate even) that leads to resolution.

Position: What a person says they want. Positions are surface statements of where a person or organization stands. Positions do not provide insight into underlying motivations, values or incentives. Position Example: Both girls want the orange.

Interest: Why a person wants something. Interests are a person’s underlying reasons, values or motivations. Interests explain why someone takes a certain position.

Interest Example: Girl A wants the rind for baking. Girl B wants the meat for juice.

Use these words for our own crossword: Imessage, trigger, apologize, diffuse, position, interest

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Listening

Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Now that we’ve shared how the action made us feel and understand emotional reactions, positions, and interests, it’s time for us to listen to the other party's response. Listening is a skill let’s take some time to explore it.

We explored listening during the Learning Seeds“ Art of Listening” presentation in 2020.

Listening

1st Point:

Why is it important that we have good habits for active listening?

What people have learned about listening from the silence experience:

Listening is a great tool to use to learn more about the world around you.
Silence makes you listen a lot more.
We take listening for granted.
Silence helps you hear things you wouldn’t normally hear.
Listening is a skill that takes work.
I can better comprehend what others say when I don’t talk and just listen.
I can listen with more precision when I am not talking.
Listening is more important than talking.
People tell you more and give more information when they know you are really listening and won’t be cutting in.
Listening requires more effort than speaking.
Listening requires patience.
Listening really takes thought and focus, and I don’t listen when I think I am listening. I learned that when I think I am listening, I am usually spaced out and losing focus.
Listening is respectful and deserved.
I learned that I need to listen more. When I am at home, I am too quick to speak when it might be better if I hadn’t. When listening, I got to actually “hear” more. I enjoyed listening

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“People start to

heal the moment they feel heard.”

Cheryl Richardson

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Let’s Practice!

An exercise in validating

Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Now that you know the basics of listening, let’s take a few minutes to practice what we’ve learned!

There are three exercises to choose from.

Exercise 1 – paraphrasing [pair up participants in two to three, have one partner speak for a couple minutes about what interests they have an who is their favourite author and why. The other partner will listen for and then reflect back. A third person can share the observations]

Debrief: What did you observe about this experience?

Exercise 2 - I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY (call back to Jumping to Conclusions) Instructor will assign 7 people to help read out this statement. This means 7 different things: [have panel repeat the full statement with the emphasis on a different word, have a participant in the session read the whole phrase and emphasize the corresponding word.

I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY ( (it wasn’t me who said it)
I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY (It was a lie)
I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY (I implied it)
I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY (It was her)
I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY (I gave it to them)
I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY (It was someone else’s)
I NEVER SAID HE STOLE MY MONEY (It was my wallet)

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Empathy

Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Listening is not only a great communication skill but it also helps us to build empathy! So what’s empathy? And how can you bring empathy into your life?

We explored the theme of empathy in depth in 2021 in our Kindness and Communication presentation.

Empathy

Empathy: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

Empathic Statements are made with the intention of conveying understanding, non-judgement & acceptance for someone’s feelings and situation. Kindness in Communication Training

Empathy is often mistaken for sympathy:

Sympathy

1a: an affinity, association, or relationship between persons or things wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other.

b: mutual or parallel susceptibility or a condition brought about by it.

c: unity or harmony in action or effect. Every part is in complete sympathy with the scheme as a whole— Edwin Benson

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Empathy - Examples

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Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Reflecting on the video, let’s consider empathy more deeply and learn about empathic statements.

1st Point:

Empathy suggests the notion of projection. You have empathy for a person when you can imagine how they might feel based on what you know about that person, despite not having those feelings explicitly communicated.

Empathy requires experiencing someone’s concern, listening to them, and validating them, which makes it tough. When we use sympathy, we often respond with “but” or “at least.”

2nd Point:

What if I don’t know how to create empathic statements?

We often create empathetic statements naturally with our loved ones without putting much thought into it. Think about times you were interested in someone’s story, or you gave them encouragement or support, Maybe you even acknowledged their pain or paraphrased their concerns out loud. These skills are all part of creating empathic statements and they can certainly be improved with practice.

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Managing expectations

Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

At this stage, we’ve let the other party know how we feel through i-statements and listened to their response actively and empathically. But we also need to be practical and realistic about what we can expect from the other party in our conflict situation. Let’s consider strategies to manage our expectations in relationships.

In fact, uncommunicated expectations are the leading cause of relationship strain.

Managing Expectations (NEW)

Expectations in a relationship form the basis of whether or not the partnership works for both people

Not everyone has the same expectations as it relates to apologies. In fact, you may never receive an apology from someone you believe owes you one. Try and reflect on how important the relationship is to you, and consider whether your expectations for an apology are in alignment.

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If we could sum up all the causes of hurt, pain, and hatred in one word, it would be “expectations”

Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Managing Expectations (NEW)

So what are “expectations” in a relationship, how do they differ from standards, and how can we overcome our own expectations?

1st Point:

Expectations are what we want to happen in the future – certain actions we wish someone would take or an event we wish would happen. When what we expect to happen doesn’t, we feel disappointed, sad and even angry.

Standards are guidelines about what you will accept in the present moment. They represent what you want in a partner: sense of humor, similar values and beliefs, attitude and perspective on life.

2nd Point:

We have relationships that can meet all of our standards and still fall short of meeting our expectations. It’s these expectations that get relationships in trouble.

Expectations in a relationship are subjective, biased and can differ from person to person.

It’s important to realize that in talking about how mismatched expectations can lead to conflict.

3rd Point:

To overcome your expectations:

Prioritize appreciation over expectations. Rather than focusing on the negative, make a point to appreciate the positive qualities in your relationship.
Express compassion. Prioritize your love for the other person over your expectations.
Show respect. Understand that everyone has needs that need to be met, and make efforts to demonstrate that your respect their needs.
Don’t compare your relationship to others’ relationships.

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Forgiveness

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NELSON MANDELA

THERE IS NO FUTURE WITHOUT FORGIVENESS

Facilitator A (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Let’s consider a hypothetical scenario where party “A” has offered an apology to party “B”, and party “B” accepts the apology and moves forward towards reconciling the relationship.

Forgiveness

1st Point:

The offended person makes an effort to accept the apology by way of ‘thanks, I acknowledge and I accept’.

It may be difficult to let go of your own perceived notions of the intention of the offending party and you may want to punish them, however keep the relationship in mind and accept the apology with kindness. This ensures forward movement of the relationship and an acknowledgement to the other that you also value the effort and the gesture of making an apology.

If there are difficulties accepting an apology you may want to continue the conversation about what else has remained that is unexpressed and unheard before you can both continue on the path of apology and forgiveness.

2nd Point:

It is helpful if both parties can take the attitude of ‘let’s begin again’. This ensures that there is no unfinished business and we can let go of the small slights and wounds.

You may want to decide on a ritual (a hug, a kiss, or a high five) you can participate in together that symbolizes this new beginning or you can verbally acknowledge this intention.

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Anger

Mountain

Facilitator B (12:xx pm – 1:xx pm) – x minutes

Let’s take a moment to reflect on forgiveness, and what may stand in its way. For example an Anger Mountain. “Feeling Angry is like climbing a mountain, it builds and builds until we reach the peak, then we slowly calm back down”

Exchange Resource: https://static.wixstatic.com/media/cb8bc1_c26d9937fe0d46b7999eae22198fed20~mv2.gif

An Anger mountain talks about the stages of anger we reactively experience. From stimuli, to action. Something happens, we react viscerally, and then on the other side of the mountain we can feel apologetic, or we can feel like we cannot forgive.

The truth is, we can respond to our internal anger, with positive self talk, realization, and planning.

The truth is, we conflate acting angry, with being angry. The former is not ok, the latter is. We get angry all the time. How we act is up to us.

Discussion:

What contributes to making it easier to accept an apology, when you have found yourself in a more ‘self-righteous’ or ‘punishing the other mind frame?

Additional Resource: The Art of the Mindful Apology: Why 'Sorry' is Not Enough (gottman.com)

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Application

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I am truly sorry for poking fun at you. Although it wasn’t my intention to hurt your feelings, I recognize that my words were hurtful. What can I do to make this better?

Apology Rework # 1

Teasing you was wrong. I see this hurt your feelings and I was wrong. I will not do this again.

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I know I shouldn’t have done that. I know I probably should have asked you first. I know I can sometimes be a bull in a china shop.

Apology Rework # 3

Taking over the meeting was not okay, I shouldn’t have done that. Before the meeting I should have asked you if I could present the projections instead of interrupting. That would have show the respect that my actions were lacking.

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The Apology Unraveled - Evaluations

https://forms.office.com/r/4hA6BwsSTQ - Evaluation for Participants

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The Apology Unraveled - Evaluations

https://forms.office.com/r/sGQfe4fP4T - Evaluation for Facilitators

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CRD: Past Events and Resources

Alberta Conflict Resolution Day

www.conflictresolutionday.ca

Alberta Dispute Resolution Network

https://justice.alberta.ca/programs_services/mediation/drn/

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The Apology Unraveled

Resources/Websites:

Add: Facilitators Organization/Website/Telephone

Alberta Conflict Resolution Day

www.conflictresolutionday.ca

Alberta Dispute Resolution Network

https://justice.alberta.ca/programs_services/mediation/drn/Pages/default.asp

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THANK YOU

Thank you for participating in Conflict Resolution Day!