1 of 26

��MBSR for Parents��Week Five��Parenting Patterns and Schemas�

Ruia, Taitea, Kia tū ko taikata ānake

Strip away the bark and expose the heartwood

Maori Proverb

2 of 26

THEME��Parenting Patterns and Schemas

MINDFULNESS PRACTICE

Sitting meditation – emotions
Mindful Minute
Walking Meditation

PARENTING AWARENESS

Reactive parenting and schema modes

3 of 26

AGENDA

Welcome and poem “My Balm”

Sitting Meditation including Emotions + Discussion

Reactive Parenting and Schema Modes

BREAK

Walking Meditation inside

Imagination Exercise – Holding your emotions

Discuss Stressful Moments Calendar home practice

Home practice Review + Discussion

4 of 26

My Balm by Jane O’Shea

I close my eyes and sigh, and here I am lying in the hammock in my heart. Moving gently, with the soft air of my breath.��When I fall from my head past my words, I’m caught lovingly by the hammock of my heart and rocked to its rhythmic beat.��It is my peace, my rest, my quiet, cradled in the hammock of my heart. It is constant; it is safe to be held in the hammock of my heart.

No place to go.

Nothing to do.

Nobody to please.��It is my altar, my blessing, my balm, here in the hammock of my heart.

5 of 26

��Sitting Meditation��Emotions�

6 of 26

��Schema Modes��Sharing in pairs��Your experience of writing your autobiographical notes�What do you notice about how you parent?�

7 of 26

Schemas

organize the way we experience and interpret the world
affect the way we respond to stress

“How do our childhood experiences affect how we parent our own children?”

Schema Modes are formed in early childhood through a child’s internal representations of their relationship with their parents.

8 of 26

Parent Schema Mode

Modes of thinking, feeling and behaving in adults that reflect activation of child like patterns
When we are activated/stressed in parenting we tend to fall back on our earliest experiences
When we are in schema mode we might experience ourselves as being in a child role or a parent role – based on what we experienced as a child
Through an understanding of Schema mode we can recognise when a current interaction with our child is triggering an old emotional reaction from our past

9 of 26

Parent Schemas – “parent as...”

Parent as “Healthy Adult”

Parent as wise connected self - relationship is at the center

“I know what works for this child”

Parent as “Internalised Child”

Vulnerable Child Mode

Angry Child Mode

Parent as “Internalised Parent”

Critical/Punitive Parent Mode

Demanding Parent Mode

Parent as Healthy Adult Mode

Wisdom about parenting, relationship at centre, connection strong

“I know what works for this child”

Internalised Child Mode

Parent as Vulnerable Child (rejected & powerless in face of our child’s upset)

We are all born as vulnerable child, we reach out for safety, support, comfort.

We still need to take care of that VC in us. Often the VC feels not heard of seen

Parent as Angry Child ( enraged at our child)

“not fair, you’re not listening”.

Protective of the VC because it doesn’t feel seen or heard – gets angry

Sometimes angry child is not expressed - becomes protective – pleasing, numbing

Internalised Parent Mode

Parent as Critical/Punitive Parent (overly harsh with child)

When vulnerable as a child and get criticised (shouldn’t cry, feel anxious and minimised), the critical parent mode can take over.

Punished for feeling emotions as a VC

Parent as Demanding Parent (unreasonably high expectations of child)

When parents had high expectations and we weren’t ready to meet them as children

10 of 26

Vulnerable Child Mode��

The parent feels overwhelmed, hurt, rejected, helpless, anxious, or inadequate

Typical parenting reactions

Taking a child’s behaviour personally
Feeling deeply wounded by criticism or defiance
Emotional withdrawal or panic

Mindful parenting goal

Notice the emotional pain without immediately reacting.
Develop self-compassion and emotional grounding to take care of our inner vulnerable child.

Key Aspects of the Vulnerable Child Mode

This mode represents the most sensitive, fragile, and authentic part of the self. It typically manifests in a few specific emotional states depending on the root of the trauma:

To parent from the Vulnerable Child means you are acting from that wounded, overwhelmed state rather than responding to it.

Abandoned Child: Deeply fears rejection, being left alone, or unlovable.

Abused/Victimized Child: Feels victimized, threatened, or physically/emotionally unsafe.

Deprived Child: Feels as though their needs for affection, empathy, or guidance will never be met.

Defective Child: Experiences profound feelings of shame, incompetence, or feeling fundamentally "flawed". [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

In Schema Therapy, the Vulnerable Child Mode is the core emotional state that holds early memories of pain, trauma, and unmet childhood needs. When triggered, adults experience raw, overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, or helplessness, and often resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms to shield themselves from this distress. [1, 2, 3]

11 of 26

Angry / Impulsive Child Mode�

The parent feels strong frustration, rage, impatience.

Like an angry child - emotional impulsivity takes over ”not fair, you’re not listening”

Typical parenting reactions

Yelling, Threatening,
Harsh punishment (angry child often leads to punitive parent reaction)
If unexpressed might be pleasing or numbing

Mindful parenting goal

Pause before acting.
Use mindful breathing and body awareness to create space between emotion and behaviour.

When in this mode, your actions are a direct reaction to frustration or a protective response against feeling trapped. Common triggers include:

When parents "parent from the Angry Child," they operate from their own unhealed, reactive inner child rather than a regulated, objective adult self. [1, 2]

Anger at unmet needs: Feeling that your need for autonomy, respect, or safe boundaries isn't being met.

Adult Tantrums: Reacting with disproportionate emotional intensity, shouting, door-slamming, or impulsive lashing out.

Reacting to over-control: Pushing back against perceived micromanagement or overly strict environments.

Instant gratification: Seeking immediate relief from discomfort, boredom, or stress without planning for long-term consequences.

The Impact on Your Children

Creates Unpredictability: Causes a chaotic household where a child feels unsafe or constantly "walking on eggshells."

Models Poor Regulation: Teaches children that intense anger and "tantrums" are the standard ways to communicate needs or frustration.

Shame and Guilt: Can lead to the parent overreacting, then spiraling into guilt, which undermines the parent's authority and emotional safety

12 of 26

Punitive Parent Mode ��

The parent has an internal critical voice demanding perfection or punishment.

Typical parenting reactions

Harsh self-criticism as a parent
Excessive criticism toward the child
Shame-based discipline

Mindful parenting goal

Recognize the inner critic in the moment
Validate our child’s experience
Replace punishment with firm but compassionate boundaries

The Punitive Parent is an internal critical voice that berates you, induces deep shame, and tells you that you are worthless or deserve punishment. Originating from internalized negative messages from childhood, it attacks your core self and actively undermines your resilience and emotional well-being.

Key Characteristics

Attacks the Self: Rather than criticizing a specific mistake, it attacks you as a whole (e.g., "You are a failure" instead of "You made a mistake").

Bullying Dynamic: It acts like an internal bully, fostering chronic feelings of guilt, shame, and loneliness.

Triggers Coping Mechanisms: It frequently drives you toward maladaptive behaviours (like isolating or self-criticism) to protect the vulnerable child parts of yourself.

Punitive Parent vs. Demanding Parent

While they sound similar, their driving forces and functions differ:

Punitive Parent: Focuses on blame and punishment. It tells you that you are "bad" or worthless.

Demanding Parent: Focuses on standards and perfection. It berates you not for being fundamentally evil, but for not achieving enough or doing things flawlessly. [1, 2, 3]

13 of 26

Demanding Parent Mode�

The parent has rigid standards and uses pressure to dominate.

Parent feels unsafe to lose to control of the child/situation

Typical parenting reactions

Perfectionism
Overcontrolling the child
Unrealistic expectations for behaviour or achievement

Mindful parenting goal

Shift from control and performance toward attunement, flexibility, and connection.

In schema therapy, the Demanding Parent mode is an internalised critic that continually pushes you to achieve, be perfect, and prioritize others' needs. It operates via rigid rules and "shoulds," ultimately treating you the way strict authority figures treated you during childhood.

The Core Mechanism

The Demanding Parent is an introject—a psychological echo of early caregivers, teachers, or coaches who communicated that your worth was tied directly to your output, appearance, or adherence to rules.

When this mode is active, your inner voice doesn't sound like your own. Instead, it feels like an external authority figure living inside your mind, using a highly conditional, unforgiving framework:

Perfectionism: The belief that your best is never enough and errors are unacceptable.

Relentless "Shoulds": Constant pressure to be more efficient, work harder, and achieve status.

Fear of Judgment: Driving your behavior with the underlying anxiety that you will be exposed or criticized if you fail.

14 of 26

Healthy Adult Mode�

Balanced, reflective, emotionally regulated state.

Characteristics

Calm boundary-setting
Perspective-taking
Emotional regulation and empathy
Able to repair after conflict

Mindful parenting goal

Strengthen this mode through mindfulness practice, self-awareness, and intentional responding.

15 of 26

Parent Schemas

What we missed in childhood we won’t get from our parents now so we need to give it to ourselves

We are built up from layers – we are a whole family on the inside of ourselves.

Our unwanted parts need attention and compassion!

When you are aware of your child mode (in the moment) you can talk to it from your healthy adult mode)

16 of 26

1

NOTICE the trigger

2

IDENTIFY the activated mode

3

PAUSE and regulate – (Mindful Moment)

4

RESPOND from Wise Healthy Adult mode

RECONNECT with your child

17 of 26

My Example - Asking my son to unpack the dishwasher

Notice

NO!!, refusing, swearing, hitting

I feel ignored, disrespected, exhausted
Me: shouting, threatening, punishing

Identify

I would not have been allowed to behave like this Suppressing my anger as a child – “fear”, “good girl”

Angry Child – Punitive Parent

Regulate

Take a mindful moment

Walk away
Stop talking!
Notice my body
Notice his body
Self talk - “It’s ok”
Have a drink of water

Healthy Adult

He has PDA, imperative demands feel threatening to him

I need to approach it differently next time – more warning/space”

Tomorrow is another day, I don’t need this battle today

18 of 26

Your Turn – in Pairs

Notice a trigger

what is the usual automatic reaction?

Identify the activated mode

What is the background / history of this way of reacting?
Vulnerable Child or Angry Child?
Punitive Parent or Demanding Parent?

How can you Regulate and take a mindful moment for yourself?

How would your Healthy Adult like to handle this situation?

19 of 26

BREAK�5 mins

20 of 26

Holding your Emotions��Imagination Exercise�

21 of 26

Walking Meditation�

22 of 26

“When we walk like we are rushing, we print anxiety and sorrow on the earth. We have to walk in a way that we only print peace and serenity. Be aware of the contact between your feet and the earth. Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet”

Thich Nhat Hahn

23 of 26

Share Your Experience...

Stressful Moments Calendar

Describe your experience of observing stressful events as they were happening

Pairs - 2.5 mins each for sharing

Remember mindful speaking and mindful listening

24 of 26

Home practice�

Mindfulness practice – alternate each day or both

Alternate - Sitting Practice / Movement Practices each day

Mindful parenting

Practice Mindful Moment 5 x /day

Fill in the parental stress calendar including identifying schemas.

Be aware of strong emotions during the week, which may signal your angry or vulnerable child mode being activated or your critical or demanding internalized parent mode.
Try to hold them as if they were your baby.
Can you bring gentleness, kindness, and acceptance to yourself in this moment?

25 of 26

Parent Stress Calendar

Be aware once a day of a stressful event between you and your child, or you and your (ex)partner about your child, when it occurs. If possible, take Mindful Moment at some point during the stressful event, or afterwards, or in anticipation. Write down your experiences at a later moment using the chart below.

Describe the stressful parenting situation	What made you notice the stress (body signals, thoughts, emotions, action tendencies?)	Did you react out of habit? If yes, describe your (automatic) reaction	Or did you take a mindful moment? (How) did that change the chain of reactions?

26 of 26

Poem – Fearing Paris