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@Gem_Hill

My name is Gem

Find me at:

https://gemhill.co.uk

https://letstalkabouttests.co.uk

https://innerpod.co.uk

So tonight, today. I want to talk about feelings and looking after them, and yourself.

Everyone has mental health. Just like we all have physical health. And just like your physical health, you don’t need to be ill or a bit wonky to look after your mental health. We all take some steps to look after ourselves physically, and we should be doing the same mentally. It’s a lot easier to figure out how to keep on top of this stuff when you’re doing okay. It’s not impossible if you’re feeling rough to do things to help yourself at all, it’s just a little bit harder.

Self care is important for a lot of other reasons as well! Being aware of your emotions, your limits, and being kind to yourself are all good things! They’ll help you understand how to look after yourself, which is a wonderful thing, and also mean that you’re kinder to other people, and empathy and compassion is a massive deal in tech.

So, let’s start talking about feelings, good and bad!

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Give me a few days to over think about it

@Gem_Hill

My mental health status, if you don’t know, is that I officially suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and mild cPTSD. I’m medicated, and in therapy.

Disclaimer: my mental health is not your mental health. My experiences aren’t yours. Just because this works for me, doesn’t mean it will work for you. That is the nature of mental health, unfortunately. I hope that most of you find something helpful here.

Warning: I don’t plan to cover anything majorly triggering, I won’t mention many of my symptoms at all, but if anything feels uncomfortable, please feel free to leave. All my notes are in the speaker notes section on this presentation, and there's a link on the final slide and I’ll tweet it etc, so you won’t miss anything if you need a break

I’m open about my mental health for a few reasons:

1) It helps me, sharing. Even if it’s just to the void of twitter getting the thoughts out of my head and externalising things is how I deal with them. I find things have less power if I can put them into words.

2) There are always people who are glad I’m being open about these things. I always have someone who thanks me for talking openly. That means we still have a way to go. I’m happy I get a platform to talk about this, but also a bit irritated we’re not at a place where this at the same level as a talk about automated tests vs checks. I long for the day where I am no longer needed to stand up and talk about mental health tbh. If I try to be open about it, both in big ways, but also talking about therapy and meds openly like it’s no big deal, it will maybe stop being a big deal?

3) If only one person gets a nudge to look into their self care, or feels a bit less alone, or just starts thinking about their mental health actively, my job is done.

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@Gem_Hill

The reason I want to talk about emotions and feelings is because it is hard and I want to normalise it, and I also want other people to become more aware of their emotions.

Being aware of your emotions is a weird thing to say because I assume a lot of people are, but I wonder how many people take note and analyse their emotions. I’m not sure how many people connect to their feelings - I know I didn’t until I got to therapy.

I don’t think you need to be constantly navel gazing, but becoming aware of what triggers strong emotions and why is important, I think. Those people who really fucking wind you up and you’re not sure why? Try to figure out why. Maybe you’re just different people. Maybe you have had some off interactions with them that have rubbed you the wrong way. If so, try to put your finger on what happened.

This is important because a big way to cope with all the things I’ve spoken about is to focus on responding rather than reacting. Reactions are great. They’re instant, they’re there to keep us safe, they’re instinctive. Sometimes they are less than helpful. Responding in a measured, thoughtful way is sometimes much more helpful than reacting. By being aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can start to build up a model of your emotions, and from there you can start working with them

This is a lot of work and I’ve not got into a huge amount of detail here for time reasons.

Crucial conversations is a great book that covers some strategies here https://www.amazon.co.uk/Crucial-Conversations-Tools-Talking-Stakes/dp/0071401946

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Write day and night like you’re running out of time

@Gem_Hill

I am always a fan of writing. A friend of mine says writing is the cheapest therapy you can get. Externalise your feelings and thoughts and see them in black and white. You might come across a revelation. At the very least they are no longer solely in your head.

Monitor your feelings, figure out what makes you feel good, and what makes you feel bad, and how it makes you feel bad. If I’m anxious about logging a bug, that is a sign I need to get my shit together.

If you’re angry, why are you angry? Is it because you’re embarrassed or is it more self-righteous, or is it something else? �If you’re sad, why?

�Think about your feelings in a deep and complete way. You might not be able to do anything, but getting the clarity of why your feelings are happening I think is quite important.

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@Gem_Hill

We as a species are really mean to ourselves. It’s hard to stop your brain when it’s ripping itself apart relieving every mistake you’ve made since you were 4, so what I do is keep a list of things I’m grateful for, and that I’m proud of myself for.

I update my CV regularly, because no one wants to try and remember 3 years worth of work when it comes time to apply for jobs. It also acts as a nice reminder of the work that I’ve done.

I also keep a list of things I’m grateful for. This means I have a list of all the good things in my life, big and small, that I’ve not achieved. I’m currently trying to lessen the emphasis on my worth being linked to my output, because that way lies burnout. So things I’m grateful for are often outside of my control, so it works on multiple levels here.

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@Gem_Hill

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@Gem_Hill

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@Gem_Hill

Reaching out, socialising with people in some way (it doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful, just some time spent with people you like)
Keeping physically active. Again, you don’t have to have a full gym routine and be buff (unless you want to!), but some kind of activity regularly. I walk every day, and try to yoga/gym 2 to 3 times a week
Being mindful. This doesn’t mean mediation if you find that tough or unhelpful, but just being aware of yourself in the present moment, not thinking about something else somewhere else.
Play. Doing something playful is really important! There’s a definition of play in a book called: Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul*), which is something voluntary, with no goal, that you enjoy.

*https://www.amazon.co.uk/Play-Shapes-Brain-Imagination-Invigorates/dp/1583333789

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@Gem_Hill

A word on meditation and mindfulness. Mindfulness has really entered the public domain recently, companies are doing mindfulness courses, the NHS is providing courses, it’s everywhere. I am...conflicted. It works for me, I do find it relaxing and breaks a thought cycle up nicely. Do I think it’s a panacea? No. Do I think the NHS is using it as a crutch? Absolutely. Do I think that companies are using it as a shortcut for health and wellbeing when they can use it as marketing instead of taking a holistic look at the way the company affects its employees? Almost definitely true for some of them.

Like I said, I find it relaxing, but you don’t necessarily need a formalised practice to be mindful. You can eat mindfully, so being aware of food instead of just inhaling it. You can wash up mindfully, or take a walk where you don’t listen to anything but instead notice what’s around you.

You know how sometimes you have great ideas in the shower? It’s a similar principle. You let your mind quiet in the shower almost instinctively, and the sound can be white noise-y, which can be relaxing. Next time you shower, pay attention to what your body is feeling in the shower, how the water feels, the feeling of washing your hair or your arms, and see what happens. Your mind will almost definitely wander and you might feel stupid but it’s a start. And you’d be showering anyway, so you won’t be losing out on anything.

A note of warning: it doesn’t work for everyone and can make anxiety worse when it comes to health anxiety or body dysphoria/dysmorphia and things like that. Take care folks.

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@Gem_Hill

Do you have someone you could turn to in times of stress? Come to the mental health slack, and we’ll be an ear for you if you don’t feel comfortable sharing with people close to you (there’s some weird logic that goes on wrt mental health and talking to people who actually know you).
Self care: what do you do to make yourself happy? Plan time in for that. There may be times when this has to drop in times of great stress but it has to be great stress. Don’t drop it easily, you have to prioritise this, because it’s this stuff that gets dropped first, but it really shouldn’t be.
Make time for yourself: Every Sunday I plan out my week. It’s a deliberate act and almost meditative. Unless it’s an extraordinary circumstance, I don’t do anything testing or podcast related on a saturday. Saturday is anything-but-that time.
Set boundaries. Practice when you’re happy and healthy. Say no to things. Say maybe to things. Then say no.
Be aware of your body. Your mental health is your physical health. Don’t ignore either of them. Your body might be the cause of stress or anxiety to you, but you can’t fight what you don’t know, and being disconnected from your body will mean you might miss things until they become a bigger issue
As I said earlier, I know that being anxious about logging a bug is a sign that my mental health is slipping. Taking note of these means you can catch yourself before you slip too far. You can do some self care and hopefully change course. This is another reason to write things down. Be aware of your triggers, your unhelpful responses and use them to your advantage.
Find some apps to help you. There’s a list of recommendations here

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@Gem_Hill

This is my goal. My illness will never go away. I will also deal with anxiety and flashbacks. On a good day, the right will happen. I actually like my anxiety, it’s helpful at times. I just want to be able to ignore it when it’s not. But it’s hard, it’s really tough.��If all you get out of this is an insight into what this is like for people, that’s great. If you feel less alone in feeling like keeping yourself on an even keel takes a fuckton of energy? I’m sorry, but hopefully not feeling alone helps a bit. If you’ve got some ideas, brilliant. Everyone will have mental ill health. Life has a way of kicking you in the teeth sometimes. I want to try and make sure people have some basic ideas to turn to when needed. If you’ve tried all these and nothing’s working? Maybe try some therapy, or some meds. It’s a big road, and really hard to do when you’re not well, but it could make a massive difference. I’ve not gone into that here because that is truly personal. I have written a blog post on finding a therapist, which is linked in the notes here. I’m also around all today and on the internet if you do want to talk about this stuff with me. I also run a mental health support slack which you can find at mentalhealthsupport.rocks, which is also linked in the notes for the last slide.

Sometimes nothing works. Sometimes you’ve got to sit with feeling a little shit, and while not being okay isn’t okay, sometimes, it kind of is okay, if that makes sense?

Mental health is much like I think Agile is: look at the tools, find what feels good and works, keep changing, drop something if it no longer serves. On top of it all I want you all to you know you deserve a break and to be happy.

Thank you for coming and listening to me.

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@Gem_Hill

http://bit.ly/beforeyouwreck