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worksheet
🚦THE 3 REALMS🚦
game changing instructions to finally
make progress with any process addiction
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How to Do the 3 Realms Worksheet
Alright, let's do this. The 3 realms simply consists of 3 lists to manage your process addiction. Each realm serves a distinct purpose:
BOTTOM REALM: 🍄 Verb: Ghosting ⟢ List unwholesome, unskillful behaviors you've decided to stop. These are behaviors tied to your process addiction that "have hardened into the handcuffs of habit." Acting out means engaging in any behavior you list here. These cloud thinking, create vast suffering, & lead to fear/ shame/isolation. Ghosting keeps us stuck in craving, like the insatiable hungry ghost — always seeking, yet never satisfied. Here, we water seeds of negative karma.
MIDDLE REALM: ⚠️ Verb: Sloping ⟢ List risky behaviors, which may lead to acting out. These unskillful actions serve as Warning/Exit signs, signaling moments of vulnerability before stacking more negative karma. Once you're mindful of when you're sloping, we can course-correct before slipping into the bottom realm. Here, we have a choice in positive or negative karma.
TOP REALM: 🌱 Verb: Gardening ⟢ List wholesome behaviors & activities that support your recovery & keep you grounded. These actions foster connection, self-love, and well-being — behaviors we wish to cultivate in our lives. Gardening may include self-care, building healthy relationships, fostering healthy intimacy, balanced lifestyle, healthy eating, and any Dharma practices. Here, we are accruing positive karmic momentum.
How to Identify Wise Boundaries: 🛡️⟢ Actually, you just did this! Each item you listed was a boundary, whether you called it that or not. With the 3 realms you’ve drawn lines to guide your actions & protect your sobriety.
SET A DATE TO REVISIT IT: 📅 ⟢ Set an intention to regularly revisit and recalibrate your 3 realms. As you grow in recovery, you’ll notice that some of the boundaries you set a week/month ago need adjustments, based on new understandings, experiences, & conditions. We recommend sharing adjustments on your 3 realms with trusted wise friends & mentors. Ultimately, it's your responsibility and your right to choose how to proceed.
👉Does Defining Sobriety Matter?
For those struggling with process addictions, sobriety can feel impossible. Just when we think we got it— POOF—the target moves. Many of us didn't see that the target was moving at all. Many more haven't asked or answered, "Wait, what does the target really look like?" The craziest and best part? Truthfully, everything we need to figure that out is already within our own experiences. Defining our own sobriety is the only way to obtain it, because sobriety exists only in the context of your own life and your unique challenges with your process addiction. No one else can define your personal recovery.
Sure, for substance addictions, the definition of sobriety is often straightforward & given. I'm either: Ⓐ Using or Ⓑ Not using. But it ain't black & white for process addictions—they're on a spectrum. How do you renounce Food? Relationships? Technology? Full renunciation's not possible. We need these, yet they've created harm for us.
In the 3 Realms approach, you get to define exactly which addictive behaviors constitute "acting out" (relapse). This helps progressively reduce harm. Think of the 3 Realms as a recovery GPS for real-life situations. When the GPS is up-to-date & we follow it, it guides us away from relapse & toward recovery—just like the 8-Fold Path guides us away from negative karma & toward non-suffering. Our personal GPS stays accurate when we update it with mindfulness of what endangers our recovery. Conditions change, so regularly updating it is key to our growth.
This worksheet acts as a powerful Motivational Interview. Studies show that when we decide our own path forward, it makes a HUGE difference in following through. (Who likes being told what to do, right?) Another plus is this approach lets us measure progress—where you've been, where you are now, & where you're headed. It's where the real journey begins.
So how do we actually do The 3 Realms? The directions are honestly ridiculously simple. Flip this over to the back for instructions (How To Do The 3 Realms). 👉
(NOTE: pages 3+4 offer many excellent examples of how others have done the 3 Realms. But If it's still unclear: search "The 3 Circles of Recovery" for more examples. I liked this one:: saa3circles.rd.rocks)
(community-maintained by RD.ROCKS)
3 Realms (Page 1/4)
3 Realms (Page 2/4)
For me, seeing other people's
3 circles was beneficial and fascinating. Especially when they offered a new perspective that I never realized but is so integral to the success of my recovery.
(Example: It's obvious to add things in the Middle Circle directly associated with sexual behaviors. But my mind was blown the first time a friend shared having written in their Middle Circle, "Not attending a meeting every day" as a risky behavior. Sounds obvious once I see someone else say it. This is just a small example, it's so important to look at other examples. .
💼 WORKING💼
Abridged example
🌱Top Realm
• Practicing saying "no" to extra work
• Setting clear work-life boundaries
• Prioritizing family, rest, enjoyment
⚠️Middle Realm
• Checking work email compulsively
• Struggling to take time off/vacations
• Over-reliance and excessive pride in my work as my sole identity
🍄Bottom Realm
• Ignoring family to work
• Being available to supervisor 24/7
• Skipping meals/sleep for deadlines
🛍️ SHOPPING / SPENDING 🛍️
Abridged example
🌱Top Realm
• Delaying impulse buys for 24 hours
• Sticking to my budget
• Differentiating between needs vs. wants
⚠️Middle Realm
• Justifying "points/rewards"
• Feeling guilt after spending, but continuing
• Overspending on social outings to keep up with others
🍄Bottom Realm
• Ignoring debt while spending
• Buying impulsively without need or plan
• Hiding purchases or lying about spending
🌟CODEPENDENCY🌟
Abridged example:
🌱Top Realm
• Trusting my intuition
• Allowing others to own their choices
• Mutually respectful relationships
• Setting & enforcing boundaries
⚠️Middle Realm
• Feeling guilty for prioritizing myself
• Over-investing in another's struggle
• Not knowing what I feel & need
🍄Bottom Realm
• Taking responsibility for others' feelings (AKA Caretaking)
• Prioritizing others over my needs
• Staying in toxic relationship despite red flags
🥢MINDFUL EATING🥢
Abridged example:
🌱Top Realm
• Being mindful of hunger/fullness cues
• Savoring each bite
• Structured meal planning
• Journaling emotional triggers
⚠️Middle Realm
• Shopping while hungry
• Skipping Meals
• Consuming foods heedlessly
🍄Bottom Realm
• Using food to avoid discomfort
• Eating in secret
• Eating between 9pm-6am
📱TECH / INTERNET📱
Abridged example
🌱Top Realm
• Prioritizing offline hobbies & friendships
• Schedule digital detox days & breaks
• Leave phone in other room from bedtime till sunrise
⚠️Middle Realm
• Using tech during social interactions
• Leaving unessential notifications on
• Ignoring screen time limits
🍄Bottom Realm
• Unlimited scrolling or binge-watching
• When tech interferes with showing up
• Using tech to escape emotions
🏃♂️EXERCISE🏃♂️
Abridged example
🌱Top Realm
• Seeing exercise as self-care, vs obligation
• Practicing gratitude for body's abilities
• Valuing overall health over aesthetics
⚠️Middle Realm
• Comparing fitness to others obsessively
• Forgetting social events while exercising
• Overplanning workouts without flexibility
🍄Bottom Realm
• Exercise despite injury
• Feeling guilty when missing a workout
The 3 Realms / 3 Circles for Recovery: �Each person's will look different. They can be a bit personal, but extremely powerful to share. If someone with your addictive habit has made one, ask if they're open to sharing theirs. I've been amazed by what others have written. Offer yours if you are cool with that too.
3 Realms (Page 3/4)
Notice the impermanence of the 3 circles. With the same individual, the circles change over time as they revisit it and re-calibrate their GPS. As we progress in recovery, this framework is agile enough to refocus on the necessarily different aspects of our healing work.
For example: in #1, they had difficulties with relapsing on "Online [Ads]." But after revisiting and some growth in recovery, they updated it in example #2—Notice how it has moved out to the middle circle, as "go on Craigslist [Ads]," which to me could mean that I have enough recovery to trust myself around Online Ads now, but I still need to mind that Craigslist Ads could lead me to lapse again.)
Notice their progress:
#1's Inner Circle's
Online Personal Ads
↓
#2's Middle Circle's
Go on Craigslist
3 Realms (Page 4/4)