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Respectful Relationships

(Erin’s Law Presentation- Sixth Grade)

Created at CCSD15 (2022). The story contains some wording from Second Step Child Protection Unit, 2014 Committee for Children. Some content modified from Winner & Murphy (2016). Social Thinking and Me. Images derived from Board Maker.

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Healthy Relationships	Unhealthy Relationships
You feel good about yourself/You are happy and have fun	Makes you feel bad about yourself, sad, angry, lonely, stressed, or upset.
Supports your goals and other relationships (family, friends).	Does not support your growth, or other relationships
Introduces each other to family and friends	Keeps you away from your friends/family, or ‘hides’ you from others.
Shows mutual respect, respects boundaries	Rude, hurtful, disrespectful, does not respect boundaries.
Good communication (can resolve conflicts together, tell one another things without fear of being judged, etc.)	Struggles to resolve conflict, doesn’t communicate, or doesn’t listen to one another.
You allow one another to feel their emotions and express them appropriately	Belittles your feelings, you feel afraid to show your feelings, or gets angry at one another for how the other is feeling, is unable to express emotions appropriately.
Trusting	Dishonest
Shared power dynamics, is not controlling	One person has all the power/makes all decisions/controls the other/is jealous.

“If your in a dating relationship, how will you know if your relationship is a healthy one? Here are some typical characteristics of a healthy relationship. What do you think each one means?

You feel good about yourself (before you start dating, you already feel positive about yourself and your relationship only adds to that positive self-esteem you have)

Laughter (you and your partner can laugh together and share humor in a fun way)

Outside friends and interests (you allow and encourage each other to keep old friends and make new friends while keeping and pursuing interests as well)

Good manners (just like everyone else you interact with, you and your partner use good manners with each other)

Introductions (both of you are proud to introduce each other to family, friends)

Care and respect (VERY IMPORTANT TO STRESS both publicly and in private, each person respects the other person’s wishes and does not try to talk or force the other person into doing something he or she does not want to do, goes against his or her values or family values, feels is wrong or does not feel ready for)

Trust each other (each person does not need to know what the other is doing and who the other is with all the time. Each person realizes trust is a true way of showing respect and care for someone)

Anger (able to express to each other without physically or emotionally hurting each other. Using “I” messages: “I was angry when you called me that name, It wasn’t funny to me.”)

Conflict (similar to anger, you share difficult feelings without attacking or tearing down each other, using “I” messages and not “you” messages. For example: “I felt hurt when you didn’t call me after you promised you would.”)

“Now that we know what a healthy relationship looks like, we will discuss the characteristics and warning signs of the opposite type of relationship. An unhealthy relationship-for friendship or dating-does not have that balance of give and take. A one-side relationship is one in which one person has most of the power. A term for someone who wants all the power in a relationship and is not really concerned with the needs of the other person is control freak. A control freak is often insecure and tries to find security by having all the power in a relationship. Control freaks often are jealous if the other person wants to spend time with someone else, pressures the other person to do things he or she does not want to do and does not allow the person to have time for others in their life, sometimes even their family. What would you do if you found yourself in a relationship with someone that seemed to want to control you? (Try to talk with the person, set limits on what you would accept, end the relationship, tell the person that he/she needs help, talk to an adult)

The other extreme of a one-sided relationship is a person who gives up all power in a relationship. The term for a person who is a people pleaser that does not have the self-respect to stand up for one self is a door mat. A door mat goes along with whatever his or her partner says or does, does not set limits on other people’s behavior and does not express what his or her own needs are. How would you help a friend who seemed to be getting disrespected in a relationship? (Tell him or her that he/she deserve better, talk about what your friend could say to stand up for him or herself, find your friend some adult to help him or her)

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Respect is a pillar of character

Respect is one of the most important principles we practice. As six graders, you are developing into young men and women and you need to be aware of what respect now means for you and your peers at school. What used to be considered just simple teasing and joking can have much more serious consequences.

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Empowered People Give and Respect Consent

Consent is permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

We give consent every single day with our possessions and ourselves.

When we give consent, we are saying; “It is okay that I do this”, “It is okay that you do this to me” or “It is okay that this happens”. If we do not think it is responsible, safe, or respectful (to ourselves or others), we should not give consent.

You can always say “NO”- you are in control of your body and your choices. If you don’t know what to say, you can ask a safe adult.

Responsible, empowered people respect boundaries. Sometimes, people break our trust, and don’t respect our boundaries. This is not our fault.

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Boundaries

Boundaries are specific limits that someone has set about what they feel comfortable with, and what they think is right.

Boundaries can be about our bodies, our choices, who we hang out with, and the things we do and do not do.

Sometimes we set boundaries, and people are not respectful of them.

This is not our fault.

When this happens we can tell a �safe adult.

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Grooming:

When we talk about boundaries it is important to learn about grooming and what it means. In this presentation grooming is not about taking care of yourself.

Grooming is the process during which an adult or a older child draws a kid in by gaining his or her trust in order to abuse the child and maintain secrecy. The adult or child may also groom the parents by persuading them of his or her trustworthiness with children.

Red Flags to watch out for:

Targeting specific kids and giving them special attention, activities, or gifts
Slowly isolating a kid from family members and friends:

physically and emotionally

Gradually crossing physical boundaries and making someone feel uncomfortable
Encouraging a kid to keep secrets from trusted adults

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Respecting Differences

Some people’s boundaries are different than ours.

When someone has different boundaries than us, we still need to respect them.

If we don’t understand someone’s boundaries, we still need to respect them.

Everyone is different. We have different ideas, beliefs, past experiences, and feelings. These things all shape our boundaries, that’s why it’s important to respect differences.

By not respecting these differences, we often are violating people’s boundaries and can be harassing or disrespectful.

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Abuse vs. Harassment- What’s the difference?

Four Types of abuse; physical, verbal/emotional, sexual, online/digital.

Harassment; Any action that teases, bothers or annoys someone.

Sexual Harassment is any action that teases, bothers, or annoys someone based on their gender, or is unwanted sexual behavior- this could be written (including online comments/conversations), verbal (i.e. inappropriate jokes or comments), or physical.

Both abuse and harassment are inappropriate behavior.

“Sexual harassment is a unique type of harassment. While it still involves teasing, bothering and annoying, it is unwanted and sexual in nature. Unfortunately, this is more common in schools than anyone would like with a recent survey showing four out of five students reported to being targeted with some type of sexual harassment at the junior high level. A key term in sexual harassment is unwanted. When the action is unwanted by the targeted person, it becomes sexual harassment. Most importantly, the targeted person defines whether the action is wanted or not, not the instigator. That means if the instigator says the action was not intended to be cruel or hurtful, it still is a poor excuse for the behavior.”

“There are three types of sexual harassment: verbal, written or physical. Let’s come up with a list for each. The lists can be made up of behaviors you have heard about or witnessed personally. A very important point before sharing an idea: do NOT use anyone’s name to avoid embarrassing anyone, getting anyone into trouble or further harassing the person being targeted. If you feel you or someone you know is being sexually harassed, please talk with your teacher or another staff member you trust privately after today’s presentation.”

Verbal (Comments about private parts; rumors about who likes who, who has a girlfriend or boyfriend; rumors about sexual activity; sexual requests-asking someone to be a boyfriend/girlfriend after being told “no” repeatedly; telling someone you like them over and over; telling or asking someone what you would like to do with them sexually; sexual name calling; sexual comments; sexual jokes)

Written (Sexual notes; obsessive love letters; sexual graffiti in public places like bathrooms, desks, lockers, textbooks, the bus; sexual drawings; sexual e-mails, wall posts, IMs, chats, text messages, etc.)

Physical (Touching/grabbing private parts; rubbing/grinding against someone; cornering; pulling clothes up, down or off; unwanted hugs or kisses; sexual gestures made with hands, mouth, tongue, body; sexual staring-usually at private parts)

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The BEST kind of power = RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS

Is it healthy?

Is it safe?

Is it legal and follow the rules?

Does it show respect for myself and others?

Does it follow guidelines of responsible adults in my life?

Does it show that I have good character?

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The Law

Both abuse and harassment have serious consequences. What seems like a silly Snapchat or text message from a friend could be considered cyberbullying or sexually explicit content- which are both crimes. That’s why safe internet use is very important.

Playing “pranks”, teasing, spreading rumors, and being mean to others often leads to or is bullying or harassment. These behaviors not only are against school policy, but also can be crimes. That is why it is so important to act with respect and make responsible decisions.

Did you know the district has a safety tip�line? You can anonymously report any �concerns you have about bullying, fighting, �drugs, personal crisis, threats, weapons, or vandalism.

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Safe Use of the Internet

Inappropriate Use	Appropriate Use
Threatening, bullying, or embarrassing others.	Leaving others encouraging messages, getting help when you see threatening messages or bullying online.
Sharing passwords.	Having private settings so only people you know can see your profile, follow you, and see your information and photos.
Talking to people you don’t know.	Keeping healthy boundaries and deleting anyone who makes you feel bad or doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Location sharing with people who do not need to know it (i.e. outside of family/safe adults).	Not over-sharing information with others who don’t need to know. Even if you know them.
Sharing inappropriate material (i.e. photos, other people’s information, screenshots of private information).	Stopping the cycle and not sharing inappropriate materials. Telling a safe adult when inappropriate materials have been shared with you.

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Who are abusers/perpetrators

Often an abuser is someone you may know.
This type of abuse can affect any of us.
Abuse can happen in person or online.
How can unsafe people trick us?

Buy presents or give us treats
Pretend to be loyal to our family and friends
Demonstrate positive or caring attention toward us or others we care about
Act nice and fun
Use manipulation to make us trust and believe in them, so we are willing to do things for them.
Threaten or scare us into doing something (even if it’s against our boundaries).

Even if you have strong boundaries, it can be hard to say no to someone you trusted. You can always ask a safe adult for help in this situations.

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Who are the safe adults in you life?

School
Home
Neighborhood
Relative you do not live with
Community

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How to tell a Safe Adult

Find a safe adult
Tell them you have something very important to tell them
You need them to listen closely.
Wait until they are paying attention, and then you can tell them what has happened.

Sometimes adults may not know you are trying to tell them something serious, so it is important that you tell them this is serious and about being safe so they know to listen closely.

Be PERSISTENT!

Sometimes after we’ve told a safe adult, we might need to tell another safe adult. This might be hard to have to talk about, but it is important we tell the people who need to know, so they can help keep us safe.

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Bystander Skills,

Helping a Friend

A bystander is someone who is present during an incident or action, but does not participate. Oftentimes, the more people that are around during an incident, the less help is offered, or reporting of the incident- because people assume someone else will help or report it.

It is important to tell a safe adult if something is going on that makes you feel uncomfortable or if a friend tells you something unsafe that has happened to them.

They may be struggling to ask for help, so you can help them by telling a safe adult. Even if you think someone else has already told an adult, it’s not a bad idea to make sure you’ve told a safe adult. If you see something, say something!

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How can I help a friend?

Listen carefully and believe your friend
Keep the information confidential from peers
Help your friend tell a trusted adult
Show you care and tell your friend it was not their fault

“The way to help your friend if they feel they have been sexually harassed is similar to other programs like: SOS steps of ACT-Acknowledge, Care, Tell. 1. The first step is to listen carefully to what they have to say and believe them, knowing how difficult and embarrassing it can be to talk about being treated in such a rude way. A good thing to say after they have told you what happened would be, “I believe you and I am sorry that happened.” You can also tell your friend how honored you are that they told you and how brave it is to talk about such an uncomfortable situation. They may feel even worse after telling you so it will important for them to hear something positive like, “I am glad you told me.”

2. The second step means to not tell any of your friends or other peers about this very sensitive information. Ask yourself, “Would I want anyone to know my business especially when it is this embarrassing?” Of course, your answer would be NO so even if you have other mutual friends that obviously care for your friend, it is not your story to tell.

3. The third step is very important and it is the same as with the last step of SOS. Tell an adult. You may have to persuade your friend to do this and tell them you will go with them. If your friend does not have an adult in mind, you may want to suggest the social worker, guidance counselor, psychologist or one of the administrators. Once again, your words of comfort and reassurance can mean so much. It may be best to say, “How can I help you? I will go with you when you talk to an adult.”

4. Lastly, your friend may feel somehow the whole situation was their fault that it happened. This is a common feeling but one that it is very important to say it is wrong. People who get sexually harassed are never to blame, no matter if they were nice to someone or didn’t first understand what was really happening was actually sexual harassment.”

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Have a Plan

Now that you’ve learned about the steps to take when you or a friend are in an unsafe situation, someone is not respecting your boundaries, or you feel uncomfortable, make a plan.

Who will you tell?

When will you tell them?

If they don’t take you seriously, or you don’t feel heard- who will you tell next?

If you see the person who is hurting you, what will you do?