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One Two One�Focusing �for Interpersonal Conflict Resolution

Presented by Barbara J. Dickinson, CFT

2013 International Focusing Conference

Lucerne, Switzerland

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Slides Available!

  • Please put your name on the sheet
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Introduction

  • History
  • Initial Method
  • Outcome
  • This Laboratory
  • Co-creation
  • Next Steps

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History

  • Two experienced focusers
  • Painful conflict that threatened to end the relationship
  • Two months of silence
  • Commitment and contact by one to continue the relationship
  • Invitation
  • Acceptance

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Only one sentence …

  • Recognition that anger and hurt were too powerful for long focusing – each party could not withstand
  • Understanding that each partner’s point of view would evoke strong reactions in the other partner
  • Space to hold both requires going very, very slowly

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Outcomes

  • One person felt content – “heard’
  • The other – not as much, but “enough”
  • Another year working together
  • A method with potential to support others

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Initial Method

  • First Phase – Identify Conflict
  • Second Phase – The Method
  • Third Phase – Resolution
  • Fourth Phase – Testing

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Pause …

  • Questions?

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First Phase – Identify Conflict

  • Are both aware?
  • Do both desire resolution?
  • Are both able to Focus?
    • Both
    • One
    • Neither

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Second Phase – The Method

  • Establish the Method
    • Derived from Interactive Focusing
      • Informed by Biospiritual, Domain, Inner Relationship, TAE, Whole Body
      • “Integrative Focusing”??
    • Mutually limited in time and intensity
    • Committed to respect the person and the process

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Pause …

  • Questions?

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Third Phase – Resolution

  • “Closing the Space”
    • What does it take, using this method, to close the space between the two people?
    • What is between each and feeling reconnected with the other?
    • In the beginning, do we have to know how we will feel when we have closed the space?
    • The words “resolution” and “solution” have nuances

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Demonstration

  • The Story
  • The Roles
  • One set of 4 sequences
    • Exercise will do 2 sets of 4 sequences

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Pause …

  • Questions?

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Fourth Phase – Testing

  • Exercise to test the method
    • Work in Dyads
    • Each partner has a turn to say a sentence about their point of view in a focusing way
    • The other partner reflects using focusing language; tries not to guide or suggest
    • Partner who listens may paraphrase for self care

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Safety First

  • Keep confidentiality
  • Protect identities – change the names
  • Attend to integrity and personal care

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More on Safety

  • Tell the story in brief
  • Take turns – express only one idea, thought, or feeling as it is for you
  • Prefer sentences that express feelings in focusing terms
      • “There is something angry, red and rough in the center of my body when I invite what comes about our interaction around [the situation].”

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Avoid “The Veiled Accusation”�

  • Instead of …
    • “I feel betrayed when you …”

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    • “I feel that you should …”

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    • “I feel disgusted by …”

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  • Use this …
    • “I feel angry because I believe you betrayed me …”
    • “I feel afraid when you leave the doors unlocked”
    • I feel a turning in my stomach when I look at … “

Use the words “feel” and “feeling” only for actual emotions

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Exercise – Set Up

  • Decide who is Partner 1 (chooses conflict) and who is Partner 2
  • Partner 1 chooses the conflict and the roles
  • Partner 1 tells the story of the conflict briefly
  • Partner 2 hears enough to play the part of the opponent; can ask questions to clarify

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Exercise – Sequences

  • One Round is 4 sequences …

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  • Sequence 1 …
  • Partner 2 says one sentence
  • Partner 1 reflects only
  • Both go inside and check how is it now
  • Partner 2 makes any correction and Partner 1 reflects

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  • Sequence 2 …
  • Partner 1 says one sentence
  • Partner 2 reflects only
  • Both go inside and check how is it now
  • Partner 2 makes any correction and Partner 1 reflects

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  • Perform the sequence 2 more times

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Pause …

  • Questions?

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Exercise – Two Rounds

  • Round 1
    • Partner 1 chooses the conflcit
    • Partner 2 begins
    • Four sequences
  • Round 2
    • Partner 2 chooses the conflict
    • Partner 1 begins
    • Four Sequences
  • Minutes per Sequence = 3-4

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Pause …

  • Questions???

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Feedback, Please!

  • Please offer feedback in the form most convenient to you
    • Discussion here
    • Hand-written here
    • Email
    • After the session

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Challenges = Opportunities

  • Three examples
    • What if one or both are not able to focus?
    • What if one or both remain contentious?
    • Can this method be used with more than 2 people?

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Opportunity – �Spread Focusing

  • What to do if one or both are not able to do Focusing?
    • At first, at least one must be able to Focus beyond “Level 1” (Any teacher)
      • Can that one assist the other?
      • Is this reasonable to expect from two people in a conflict situation?

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Opportunity – �New Training Methods

    • Does there exist a “short cut” focusing learning method?
    • If both are able to Focus, can a published script of this method be effective?
    • If neither is able to Focus, what are the possibilities?

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Opportunity – �It Takes as Long as It Takes

  • In the real situation …
    • 3-4 months
    • Mutual responsibility to stay on track
    • Good will and humor were essential
    • Careful scheduling to continue the process helped

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Opportunity – �Third Party

  • What if one or both of the parties remain contentious and/or accusatory?
    • Is there a need for a 3rd party to moderate?
    • Does the moderator have to be a Focuser? Or trained in this method?

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Opportunity – �Expanded Scale

  • Will this method help in expanded situations?
    • Non-Focusers
    • More than one-to-one
    • Resistant participants
    • Violent participants
    • Religious conflict
    • Legal conflict

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Next Steps

  • Memorializing the Results
    • Collect your feedback, questions and comments
    • Conduct more tests
    • Seek means of validation, measurement
    • Publish article(s)
    • Connect to the International Support Team for Ways of Fluid Conflict Resolving
    • Create scripts
    • Create teaching plan
    • Write a book!

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The Future

  • Integrative Focusing for Conflict Resolution ???

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Thank You!

  • Barbara J Dickinson, CFT
    • barbara.j.dickinson@gmail.com
    • Skype: barbara.j.dickinson
    • Website: http://www.focusing.org/Barbara-Dickinson