An education beyond the classroom: excelling in the realm of horizontal academics
Karen F. Owen
Senior Honors Thesis
Duke University
Submitted to the Department of Late-Night Entertainment
in partial fulfillment of the requirements for a
Degree in Tempestuous Frolicking (D.T.F)
May, 2010
Background
Senior year and college in general often bring about certain situations that result in the seeking of so-called “sex.” Until now, no studies have succeeded in developing a methodology for quantifying and ranking these so-called horizontal academics. In this study, we used data from four years at Duke University to create evaluation criteria for such encounters and applied these criteria to the evaluated Subjects, hopefully allowing for future maximization of enjoyment of such procedures.
Subject 1: Tony McDevitt
Subject 2: David Goulet
Subject 3: Ben Grisz
**On the advice of a close friend, and my own sentiments, I feel that the fourth and final hookup with Subject 3 deserves a bit more attention. As she put it, “I mean fucking in the library IS your entire thesis!” The perfect combination of sex and academics, it represented the climactic culmination of my entire research project. As previously mentioned, we left Shooters before I even went inside of the bar—I was craving physical contact that evening, and wanted another specimen or two (or three) from this aggressive stud. We got in the cab and went back to West Campus; I should probably say that the cab driver got a money and a show. We got out and paid, and he turned to me with this look in his eyes and said “Let’ do this somewhere different this time…somewhere crazy.” I instantly thought of the library (keep in mind this was the middle of finals weeks at 1:00 AM), and so after a quick McDonalds run to help us sober up a bit, we headed that way (we were both stumbling a little, and I was wearing a low cut orange tank, a short skirt, and gold heels – clearly not my typical study outfit). We walked in and I asked where we should try this; he replied simply “I’m following you…you lead the way.”
Emboldened by the few number of visible people on 1st floor Perkins, I suggested we take the elevator up to the fourth floor, and find some isolated stacks. On the brief journey up we hooked up very briefly; his hands were all over me and I considered pressing the emergency stop button and just going for it there. We got off in the middle of the most packed floor I had ever seen, so I immediately grabbed his hand and made for the nearest exit stairwell, avoiding the stares of millions of students, with both of us laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it. I made for a stairwell I knew led to the staff’s work area, and thus one very unlikely to be used by students. It was empty; I led him down a few stairs, but we only made it one level before he grabbed my shoulders, pushed me hard against a wall on the landing, and started kissing me. We were both extremely turned on already, just from the anticipation of illicitly fucking in a crowded library, and both of our hands were in rapid-fire motion, all over each other. In other words, it wasn’t long before we had moved on to the R-rated activities. One of my favorite things about Subject 3 has always been the creativity and the variation in positions. Even here in the library stairwell, with my shirt pulled down, my skirt pushed up and the possibility of someone walking in on us an extremely real one, we managed to improvise and appraise different angles and poses. The stairs and railings allowed for positions we had never been able to try before. The lighting was harsh, giving us both the sense that we were starring in a cheap porno (indeed, it really was a miracle that nobody walked in on us), which quite frankly added to the eroticism of the entire sequence. Neither of us bothered to be particularly quiet or gentle (something which definitely resulted in a lot of bruises on me the next day); indeed, we let go of all our inhibitions and just enjoyed the fuck and each other’s bodies. The newness of the location made even the most basic acts such as blow jobs, for example, ten time hotter (or so he told me).
After we were both exhausted, bruised, drenched, and satisfied, we reclothed and continued down the stairs to head back to his dorm room. On the way out, we walked past Joe Tkac (lacrosse), who took one look at me, said “Oh heyyy, Karen…what are you up to tonight?” and died laughing (both of us looked like we had just clearly engaged in ‘extracurricular’ activities) and several other people we knew, a source of great amusement for myself and the Subject. The entire walk back to his dorm was the foreplay for our next hookup (he may or may not have had my panties in his pocket). His hands were all over me, and we kept having to stop in little corners or staircases because we both wanted each other so badly we almost couldn’t wait. The absurd steamy passion of the last hookup, combined with the anticipation for the next made that the most erotic walk of my life. Literally the second we entered his room and shut the door our clothes were off and my clothes were torn off and, as popular culture puts it, he morphed into Mr. Flintstone and made that Bedrock.
Memorable Moments: I mean, we fucked in a fucking Duke University library during fucking finals week.
Pros: Everything. Ev-er-y-thing.
Cons: None.
Raw Score: 10/10
Subject 4: Jeremy Gould
Subject 5: Stephen Coyle
Subject 6: Alex Hassan
Subject 7: Jake Lemmerman
After that session began a long string of Jakob hookups, separated by periods of intense sexting, something which fully deserves its own slide
"so did you both fuck him?"�"3some?"
"tell me about it...need details"�“what did you do? be more descriptive"�"so you both want my D?"
Each time, after 13 minutes, to the dot, if I had not yet responded he would send the following text:
Subject 8: Sean Brady
Subject 9: Will McKee
Subject 10: Tucker Virtue
Subject 11: Sam Spillane
Subject 12: Zach Howell
Subject 13: Tyler Rice
Evaluation Process
The Subject’s Raw Scores were based on an, admittedly subjective, range of criteria that I had established long before commencing my research project:
The Official Fuck List
Rank Subject (Score)
1. Zach Howell (10.25/10)
2. Will McKee (9.5/10)
3. Ben Grisz (9/10)
4. Sean Brady (8.75/10)
5. Jake Lemmerman (8.25/10)
6. Tucker Virtue (7.75/10)
7. Tyler Rice (7/10)
8. Jeremy Gould (4/10)**
9. Tony McDevitt (4/10)**
10. Alex Hassan (3/10)**
11. Sam Spillane (3/10)**
12. Stephen Coyle (3/10)**
13. David Goulet (1/10)
**Where the scores were tied, rank was awarded for looks, body type, creativity, and most importantly, my level of entertainment
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank all of my Subjects, without whose willing participation, cooperation, and specimens I would not have been able to complete this project. I sincerely thank Shooters, He’s Not Here, my friends, and alcohol in general, without whose help and support my task would have been greatly impeded. I extend a special thanks to Jakob Lemmerman, whose sext “How do I rank on your fuck list?” provided the initial inspiration for my thesis, and Talia Schwartz, who encouraged me to expand it far beyond its original scope.