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Principles from the

Growth Model

Starting in the Word – 30 Minutes

PowerPoint – 90 minutes

Case Studies – 30 minutes

Group Sharing – 30 minutes

IMPORTANT facilitator preparation notes:

There is a lot of content for each of the four areas for growth. It is important that you determine what content is most important to communicate clearly to your audience. Take time to prepare what you want to say and what examples you will give for each.
It is also important that you choose where and when you would like to stop for reflection given your time constraints. There are built-in questions, and it is important that you have reflection times, but it will be good to figure out when and how you would like to utilize those (one-on-one sharing, small group, etc).
It is important to model self-disclosure to your audience – it would be important to share areas of your own life that have been impacted by these concepts, and if applicable, how God is causing your growth in that area.

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1 Samuel 24 and 2 Samuel 11-12

What do you see as strengths of David

as a leader and as a person?

What do you see as weaknesses

or areas in need of growth?

Think specifically of how David deals with relationships, responsibility and

discerning right or wrong.

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A greenhouse for growth

There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God ---John Calvin

We grow when we come to a greater awareness of our need for the gospel, and when we yield our lives in ever greater ways to Christ.

Self-awareness is key to this process. It is enhanced through feedback and is strengthened through self-disclosure.

God is in the process of disrupting our lives to reveal our very real and deep need of Him.

(Optional quote also found in participant notes)

…we cannot seriously aspire to Him before we begin to become displeased with ourselves. For what man in all the world would not gladly remain as he is--what man does not remain as he is--so long as he does not know himself, that is, while content with his own gifts, and either ignorant or unmindful of his own misery? (John Calvin, Institutes, 1.1.1)

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Where are we going?

Our Biblical journey of growth

The environment for growth

The areas for growth

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Created state

Genesis 1-2

Fallen state

Genesis 3

Redeemed State

The Fall

Growth Journey Already, but not yet

Eph 4:20-24

The goal of this slide is to set the context of our journey of growth.

A. Our Created State (Genesis 1) in the Garden

In Genesis, the Scriptures tell us that in the Garden everything God created was good. The only thing that was not good was that Adam was not in relationship, and so God created Eve and confirmed that Eve was good, as was the relationship between Adam and Eve.

Dependent upon God (giver of life and good things)

In relationship with God and others

Submitting to God’s judgment of right and wrong

Submitting to God’s authority and life as designed

B. Our Fallen State (Genesis 3) because of sin

Everything changed when sin entered the world. Adam and Eve were still created in the image of God, but that image was now marred by sin, and it affected the four fundamental aspects of our relationship with God.

Depend on ourselves (turning to lust and idolatry for life)

Desire to control our world and others

We become judge of right and wrong, and we judge others

We become God--creating our own rules and reality

C. Christ redeems us, enabling us to be:

When we are spiritually born again and become redeemed, we are brought back into right relationship with God. But this new relationship with God is still marred by the presence of sin in this world and our life. We have been saved from the penalty of sin; we are being saved (sanctification) from the power of sin, and we will be saved from the presence of sin (in heaven). But right now, we are growing in our sanctification of becoming more like Christ. We grow up in Christ in these four fundamental areas of human maturity:

Reconciled to God and free to be known by others (BONDING)

Giving up control of our world and others (BOUNDARIES)

Quit judging so as to receive and give grace (GOOD/BAD)

Accepting God’s authority and designed roles for others (ADULTHOOD)

It is clear that the Created State was lost in the fall and that mankind experienced death in that fall. Notice the difference between the created order and the impact of the fall. These inform the key areas of which we will focus on as we talk about growth today.

Bonding – our need for relationship and love

Boundaries – our need to understand who we are and righteousness/responsibility

Understanding Good and Bad – our need for forgiveness and reconciliation

Adulthood – our need for appropriate authority

Our Journey of Growth

The Gospel has been described as the story of “Already but not yet”. We are redeemed; we are also in the process of being redeemed. We are the people of God; we are all in the process of becoming the people of God.

Our path of sanctification is the process by which God reveals areas of our life that are not in line with His heart and created order, and works for our growth in redeeming of each of those areas.

We are all in the process of putting off the old and putting on the new.

Eph. 4:20-24 (See also Phil. 3:12)

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Environment for Growth�

GRACE + TRUTH

= GROWTH

TIME

Allow the participants to read and discuss Luke 13:6-9 in small groups, looking for growth principles. (If not mentioned, show the team leaders how this formula is demonstrated by the parable).

It is also Important to note that Jesus was full of Grace and Truth (John 1:14). Both of these are vital to our continued growth.

Grace is the unmerited favor of God. Grace is that God sees us in all our imperfection and still loves us. This is the energy by which real, lasting and eternal change takes place in our lives.

Truth is an unflinching embracing of reality. While God’s Word is our source of truth, it is vital to see that the vessels of God’s Truth is often other people through which His Spirit speaks truth into our lives.

Time -- It is important to note that God is in a process to grow and change us and that growth always takes time.

In life we encounter injuries in these four developmental areas that hinder our capacity to grow to full and complete maturity.

We want to look at these four categories for our growth and how they were affected by the fall and how God is in the process of reshaping and healing these areas.

We mentioned them earlier. They are:

Bonding – our need for relationship and love

Boundaries – our need to understand who we are and righteousness/responsibility

Understanding Good and Bad – our need for forgiveness and reconciliation

Adulthood – our need for appropriate authority

We will take some time to look at each of these.

(Refer them to the table on pages 5-6 of the participant notes)

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Bonding�Loving Relationships�

Our Need to Bond to Others [Biblical term: Loving Relationships] Jn.15 and Eph. 4

Bonding to others requires the ability to share our spiritual and emotional needs with others.

Bonding occurs when we take the risk to allow someone to matter enough to us to hurt us if they choose to.

Bonding (love)--This is the ability to form an emotional connection; to give and receive; to sacrifice; to be vulnerable; to allow both good and bad parts to be known by another (by God and by others). The opposite is isolation from God and from others. This impacts our level of addiction or compulsion (sexual temptation, overwork, etc.), because we will fill that relational space with something else if we’re not connecting.

Biblical examples of connecting: I Cor 13; Romans 12:15; II Cor 6: 11-13 “open wide our hearts to you”; James 5:16; Eph. 5:1,2

Attachment (or bonding) is our greatest need.

The Great Commandment is to love God, our neighbor and ourselves. (Matt 22:37-39). It is critical that we understand the fundamentals of loving relationships.

Relationships of love occur when we take the risk to allow someone to matter enough to us (attach or bond) to hurt us if they choose to. Attachment (or bonding) is our greatest need.

It requires:

Uncertainty

Risk

Emotional exposure

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Reflection on Bonding

(Allow participants to have a time of personal reflection or sharing in small groups. Refer them to page 1 of the participant notes where they will find reflection questions under each area. After 10 minutes continue on or give an example from your own personal reflection).

What are possible signs of impaired bonding? (Table on page 4 of participant notes)

Denying my need for relationship, or the existence of the problem (isolation)

Idols – Attachment of desire for relationship to other things (prone to addiction: food, drugs, sex, work, etc.)

Overly busy (focused on other things to avoid dealing with the actual problem)

People Pleasing – overly dependent on others.

Fearful of disappointing

Idealization of relationship (form of denial, but includes fantasy)

Defensive reaction to criticism

With whom have you had a good bonding relationship in the past? What were the ingredients of that relationship that allowed you to get closer?

Who has hurt your ability to bond and trust? What did that person/those people do? What was hurtful to you?

How do those relationships affect you now?

Skills for Healthy Bonding . . .

Remind participants that impaired bonding is often the result of incorrect beliefs about God, ourselves and others.

We develop better bonding skills by giving attention to prayer, dependence on the Holy Spirit, and concerted effort to pursue change and receive healing.

Ask participants to pray for each other that God would reveal what is in their heart—and that He would supply the grace to receive this knowledge.

Realize my need for relationship and move toward others (I must take the initiative - RISK)

Be vulnerable (which may lead to criticism or attack)

Challenge my distorted thinking - confront lies that I am believing and that hold me captive (which can only be done in relationship with others -- just reading books doesn’t bring change)

Don’t pull back when uncomfortable feelings emerge (i.e., hurt, fear, anger). Use that as an opportunity to share with others and learn about yourself in the process.

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Boundaries �Identity and Responsibility�

Our Need for Separateness [Biblical term: Responsibility] Galatians 6

Boundaries are the recognition of our own person apart from others, forming the basis of our identity (pg. 107, Changes that Heal). It is critical to understand our own uniqueness and what we are ultimately responsible for in God’s created world.

Example – King Saul in 1 Samuel 13:7-14 - Without a clear sense of boundaries, King Saul was a fearful and anxious King, and it often led him to violate God’s direction by trying to calm those fears.

Bonding must precede separateness. Bonding is the first and most foundational stage of growth. If someone cannot attach, then separateness has no meaning. Attachment gives us the safety and strength to separate.

Think of boundaries as “property lines” that define what is in your yard versus someone else’s yard. Boundaries define ownership, control, responsibility, freedom, and stewardship. Living a righteous life is only possible when a person understands what his/her responsibility is and exerts self-control in his/her own sphere.

Boundaries help define ownership, responsibility, and our callings. Having good boundaries is having the ability to know what’s mine and what’s not; taking responsibility for my thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and behavior. This relates to our ability to stay on task and to our ability to say “No”. Boundaries are about self-control, rather than controlling others, or passively allowing others to set your agenda. Boundaries are vital in partnering or negotiation. They require understanding personal and interpersonal limits.

God has expressed a law of what is right. He gives rules to show when someone crosses the line. He sets limits on behavior. When someone does something wrong, the righteousness of God’s law is disciplinary and/or limit-setting. These wise limits are examples of boundaries.

“Boundaries in a broad sense, are lines or things that mark a limit, bound or border. In a psychological sense, boundaries are the realization of our own person apart from others. Boundaries, in short, define us.”

1 Corinthians 12:14-16; Galatians 6:2-5

Defining ourselves

Defining our responsibilities

Defining our limits

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Reflection on Boundaries

Allow participants to have a time of personal reflection or sharing in small groups – (refer back to page 1 of participant notes for these reflection questions)

What are some signs of having poor boundaries in your life?

Have person read (from the Table on page 4 in participant notes about Boundaries) - clarify any lack of understanding Example – King Saul in I Samuel 13:7-14.

Possible answers:

Taking responsibility for others’ feelings or behaviors

Codependency (you allow others to get away with irresponsibility by compensating for their poor choices)

Not taking responsibility for own feelings and behaviors

Engaging in passive-aggressive behavior (saying “Yes” verbally but “No” in one’s actions)

Victim mentality and blaming others

Identity confusion (unclear about who we are apart from others)

Difficulties with being alone

Which struggle do you experience more: owning your own choices, feelings and attitudes, or extending your boundaries too far and taking on other people’s responsibilities? Explain.

One of the most effective tools to establish boundaries is saying “No.”

Do you struggle with thinking that you can’t or shouldn’t say “No”, and if so, why?

We can develop skills that help us grow in setting healthy boundaries by:

Gaining awareness of our identity and learning to honestly express our feelings, attitudes, behaviors, etc.

Defining who we are and aren’t

Taking responsibility for and articulating our own values

Setting limits and practicing self-control

Developing our “No” muscle

Stop blaming others and playing the victim – take responsibility for our mistakes

Planning and taking the initiative rather than quickly reacting.

Which examples from the Word reveal that Peter struggled with boundaries?

Potential responses: he lacked clarity of who he was and what he stood for, but as he matured in this important area, the Lord used him mightily.

Consider giving a personal example. Transition on to next section

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Understanding

Good and Bad�

Forgiveness

and

Reconciliation�

Resolving the Good and Bad Split [Biblical terms: Forgiveness and Reconciliation] Luke 15; Eph. 4:32

We must understand and accept that the universe (including ourselves) is sinful and imperfect. The only way to realistically resolve the existence of good and bad in life is through experiencing God’s forgiveness, and extending and receiving forgiveness in relationships with others.

In the story of the prodigal son(s)--Luke 15:11-32--we see two pictures of people who deal with good and bad inappropriately. The younger brother is giving up and indulging himself. The older brother is seeking to make himself righteous, or worthy, of the father. We see the younger son moving away from the father toward licentiousness and the older son moving toward legalism. It is vital that we embrace the fullness of both Grace and Truth in Christ and not move toward either extreme.

Our sanctification includes having these imperfect parts exposed in relationship to others.

Good/bad (forgiveness) This is the ability to live with both good and bad in self, others, circumstances, and life. It is to forgive those who have wronged or disappointed you, and to continue to move toward people in the midst of that failure.

Humans find themselves with the problem of being unable to handle the coexistence of being made in the image of God and living in sin. We also have God’s standard and our reality, and there is a gap between the two. Everybody has to manage the tension of living with imperfection compared to God’s ideal. Paul describes himself as “having not yet attained it” (God’s ideal). We must go through the process by finding out how imperfect we really are through deeper awareness of our sin, and this leads to repentance and receiving of grace.

The imperfect, fallen person who is least touched by grace hides; in contrast, the imperfect, fallen person most touched by grace moves towards community in authenticity. This person acknowledges his/her depravity while hoping in Christ’s forgiveness and redemption.

e.g. Romans 5:8; Romans 8:1; Ps 103:8-14; or the parable of the shrewd steward (Luke 16:1-9)

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Reflection on Good & Bad

Allow participants to have a time of personal reflection or sharing in small groups – (refer back to page 4 of participant notes for these reflection questions on Understanding Good and Bad)

How does a poor understanding of Good and Bad look in your life?

Possible answers:

The older brother (all truth)

Perfectionism

Idealism (the inability to see the “bad”)

Inability to accept difficult feelings, weakness, failure

Critical attitude towards self and others

Self-image problems (hiding parts of ourselves from others)

Younger Brother (all grace)

Depression

Residual anxiety and/or panic attacks

Guilt (inability to understand “no condemnation”)

Healing takes place when we let God’s grace enable us to accept ourselves as we really are, as He has accepted us. Which of these do you struggle with most, and why?

Denying certain emotions such as anger or depression because Christians shouldn’t feel that way
Placing standards of perfection on myself or others and commenting on the negatives even when the positives exist
Inability to accept and forgive the bad while striving for the good. Not fully embracing Romans 8:1
Inability to give and receive forgiveness without thinking bad of myself or the other person

Skills to Resolve the Good and Bad Split

Look at the emotional nature of the relationship between the ideal self and the real self. Is there grace?
Confession of our sin to the Lord and others is the only way that our problems with good and bad can be transformed.
Receiving and extending forgiveness--Realizing our status as forgiven before others and God is key to our healing.
Integrating negative emotions into our daily lives and experience: fear, anger, sadness. These emotions enable us to grieve losses, and this is how the Lord designed our hearts to receive healing. As we are able to share and experience with others, we will be freer to both extend grace and forgiveness to others.

Consider sharing a personal example.

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Adulthood�Respect

and

Authority

Authority and Adulthood [Biblical term: Respect] 1 Peter 5

Throughout Scripture, we see people struggling to have an appropriate sense of authority and responsibility. They either over-control and dominate (parent) or they avoid responsibility and play a victim (child).

We need to come out from a “one-down” relationship (either as a parent or child) to the adult world and assume our role as an adult equal to other adults.

Becoming an adult is assuming an authority position in life, an important part of the image of God.

We need to have command over our lives and the domain God has given us, own and fulfill our God-given roles, and submit to His authority and others without conflict.

Adulthood- authority-This is the ability to appropriately take charge, to submit, to be a peer and to depend on God’s leading. There is not a need to be one up, to have the last word, to compete, to unnecessarily ask permission or approval. A mature person is able to take authority, submit to authority, and act as a peer.

What you see is that those three ( take authority, submit to authority, and act as a peer) only work if we see other adults as equals. Being a team member or leader is an adult job. Many people look like adults but haven’t grown up yet. The problem is that some people in adult bodies operate with a “one up / one down” relationship. We may be different, but before God, we have an equal standing. We are both adults.

We can be aware of a growth need in this area if we feel “one down”, inferior, less than, afraid, guilty, or anxious. We can notice it in relationships when we see a lack of appreciation of differences, judging, competitiveness and/or domineering behavior, not taking ownership of talents and abilities but rather are looking for someone to act as a “parent”.

Optional verses for further reflection: I Cor 4:2; 1 Peter 2:13, 16, 17, 3;8 (brothers); Phil 2:19-30 flexibility between roles

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Reflection on Adulthood

Allow participants to have a time of personal reflection or sharing in small groups about authority and adulthood injuries (from Table on page 5)

Find these reflection questions on pg 2 of the participant notes:

What are some Authority and Adulthood injuries you have experienced?

Childlike

Needing permission from others to think, feel, or act

Inordinate need for approval and fear of failure

Impulsiveness

Disdain for or Idealization of authority figures

Anxiety attacks

Parentlike

Over control -domineering

Judgmental attitude

Everything needs to fit into neat little packages

Growing into Adulthood and Authority . . .

Respectfully disagree with authority

Make your own decisions

Recognize and pursue your talents

Give yourself permission to fail

Discipline yourself (seek accountability in this)

Trust God with the unknown

Gain authority over evil (James 4:7)

What authorities must you submit to and accept as placed by God as part of His design?

As you lead others, ask yourself the following questions:

When do I treat others as children?

When do I feel it is necessary to use high control for fear that there will be rebellion from those under me?

When do I display condescending behavior (such as patronize, to show spite, or distaste, or arrogance)?

In what ways have you grown this year as you've taken on new responsibilities?

Consider sharing a personal example from your life