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Communicating Difficult Messages

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Agenda

Introduction
Make it Safe
STATE Your Path
Derailment & Recovery
Exploring Others’ Perspectives
Receiving Difficult Messages

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Objectives

By the end of this training, you will be able to…

Identify elements that make a difficult conversation safe for both parties
Use the STATE model to speak persuasively
Use AMPP to explore the others’ points of view
Identify strategies for receiving difficult messages

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Action Plan

Training makes an impact when you apply what you’ve learned
The Action Plan guides you through application
Take notes throughout the session to remember what you plan to apply
After the session, add detailed steps and measure of success

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Introduction�

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Annotation Instructions

Select to use text tool

Select to change pen color

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Difficult Messages

What types of difficult messages

do you often deliver?

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Difficult Messages

What makes a message difficult?

Fear of conflict

Opinions vary

Stakes are high

Emotions are strong

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Difficult Messages

There comes a time when it becomes necessary to have the conversation.

How do we know when that is?

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(FOR Maggie: ASK THIS QUESTION TO THE ATTENDEES….wait to get 1 or 2 answers)

That said, we know there are times with it becomes absolutely crucial to step up and have a difficult conversation. So question to the group -- how do we know when that time has arrived?

Timing is urgent 🡪 need to get in front of a situation or it will worse, or a ship will sail 🡪 can no longer ask for additional project funding because our fiscal year has closed, opportunity is gone

At risk of losing trust 🡪 not being forthcoming around status of a project upfront, becomes apparent down the road that we’re in bad shape and customer is caught off guard

Going to be a greater negative outcome if we avoid it 🡪 If I do not address the constructive feedback I’ve been given about a project team member now, he/she won’t have the opportunity to improve and this will get worse

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Value of Difficult Conversations

Those who can deal with conflict tend to become top performers
Stronger relationships within the organization and with our clients
Higher accountability within teams
Gain an edge over competitors
It helps to usher in change and adoption

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Research has shown that the most influential people in organizations and in front of clients -- meaning those who people produce results while also building relationships -- are those who have kind of mastered the art of crucial conversations.

1. These people are able to work through challenging, uncomfortable situations side-by-side with customers, which is an act that suggests durability in the relationship and one that ultimately breeds trust.

2. They are having direct, candid discussion across departments and project teams, which breeds accountability and productivity within groups.

3. And in our world of IT and advisory, these people realize that relationship building and conflict resolution are fundamental aspects of consulting and so they can ultimately differentiate us as am organization. We read a few books and different ref material prepping for course, one called ‘Having difficult Conversations’, which outlined that over the last 20 years, businesses have focused on using process and technology to run more efficiently and cut costs. In today’s world, breakthrough performance will instead depend on people, and more specifically people learning to deal with roadblocks and conflict and competing interests to still get work done and usher in change. Honing this ability becomes an competitive advantage.

The best workplaces and most effective organizations embrace difficult conversations because they aren’t something we outgrow or get promoted past; the company needs to nurture these communication skills as a core competence for resources and leaders so that we acknowledge the human element of business and unavoidable conflict that sometimes follows.

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Make It Safe

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Mutual Purpose

Project

Team

Mutual Purpose:

Common Goal

Approach

with a

positive

mindset

Successful

business

outcomes

Build trust

in the

relationship

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Mutual Respect

Encounter differences with empathy

Understand key drivers,

the “why”

Be mindful of your tone & nonverbal cues

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When we demonstrate a mutual respect for the other party, you will keep the dialog open. It is critical to keeping the discussion safe. When folks feel respected they are a lot more willing to keep talking. With having your mutual purpose, we need to be mindful of differences, be understanding and empathetic. We want to show that we are open to listening and understanding their point of view.

Its important that the person believes we are coming from a good place and our body language and voice - those nonverbal cues also demonstrate that. If we have our arms crossed or are using a tone of voice that doesn't match our message folks will not feel safe and the dialogue will break down.

The key is making it safe for the other person to stay in dialogue with you.

Here is an example to demonstrate this: Imagine you are living with a roommate, family member etc and you approach them in this way:

Hey man you need to take the garbage out, it stinks in here and I am so tired of being the only person who takes it out. You sit around all day and then it smells and I end up taking it out.

When starting this way, the other person can feel attacked and defensive and most likely will not respond positively.

So let’s try that again using mutual purpose and demonstrating respect for the other person:

Hey I wanted to talk to you for a second. I know we both want to have a clean and nice smelling house. I understand you are tired and working really hard, I would really appreciate you taking the garbage out when you notice it is full.

This approach identifies a mutual purpose – keeping the house clean and it also shows the other person respect – validating that person is tired and working hard.

Likely the person is going to be more open to talking in this scenario.

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Let’s Discuss

During the discovery portion of a security assessment and remediation project, your customer’s internal security resource emphatically states that the team should purchase a firewall that is less expensive than the firewall you’d planned to recommend but is also less advanced and might not meet the customer’s need for intrusion prevention.

How would you apply

mutual purpose & mutual respect?

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STATE Your Path

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Pre-Work Video

John and Lindsey meet to discuss the ACME hospital project
John had heard about some issues with how Lindsey reset expectations with the client
Lindsey relayed that she had sent a frustrated email to the client’s IT manager asking for a list of servers

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Pre-Work Video

What about the pre-work video suggests this will be a difficult conversation?

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Preparation

Do your homework prior to the conversation

Focus on the outcome
Prepare notes for yourself
Write out a potential scripting pathway
Achieve team alignment on the approach

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One more note before we jump into STATE -

When you have the gift of time before having the conversation, take advantage of it.

Collecting your thoughts and running through what you are going to say will increase your chances of staying on track and having a positive outcome.

Take time to scripting out what you plan to say and possible responses for things that you anticipate the other person come back with

This has been a really helpful tool for me in the past when I knew I was going to be addressing a tough subject.

Think about the person? What do you know about them and how they react to feedback

Make notes of your key points and what your want to gain from the conversation so you don’t walk away and realize that you forgot to cover something important.

When you are going to be having that conversation with a client it is important that the team discuss what our approach is and again possible responses to clients questions or objections even. You can identify a speaker and who will jump in to address different questions as they come up.

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STATE Model

S	T	A	T	E
State Facts	Tell Your Story	Ask Others for Their Path	Talk Tentatively	Encourage Testing

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STATE Model

State Facts

Facts carry the most weight.

Consider the facts before starting the conversation
Focus on:

What happened?
What’s your evidence?
What needs to happen next?

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Facts allow you to be instantly more persuasive. They establish belief and credibility.

When using this technique we need to identify what the facts are. We need to avoid sharing a story that is jumping to conclusions without hearing the other persons side.

Begin with what you’ve observed NOT with how you feel about it

Facts will allow you to maintain safety.

The goal is to get the other person to see what has happened and your evidence.

Here’s an example:

I see you got a bad grade on this test

vs.

You were too lazy to study and you got a bad grade. You just don't care.

Some other real life examples of stating the facts:

We did a cutover and there were issues.

We told the client we'd give them a design deliverable on Friday, its Monday and they have not received it.

You didn't send the email by the deadline.

Here is where you need to keep it simple and to the point.

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STATE Model

Tell Your Story

The facts, plus your conclusion, equal the reason for the discussion.

When moving from facts to your conclusion, ensure the following:

Express confidence
Avoid over-explaining
Pay attention to safety

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This is where you have to share the conclusions you've made based on the facts presented. This is where you need to be sure that you are drawing a reasonable conclusion and this is where thought and preparation are key.

Express confidence – Avoid over-explaining– make sure they hear ONLY what you intend to express and nothing more.

Lets go back to my example about the bad grade:

I see you got a bad grade on this test. I know that the week before the exam when you had time to study you chose to spend time on your phone and playing video games instead. It makes me wonder if you took this test seriously.

It is important not to pile it on, keep it simple and straightforward. If you continue to go on and on you will risk breaking safety, you could disrespect the other person and cause the conversation to break down.

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STATE Model

Ask Others for Their Path

What brings more value: being right or making quality decisions?

Listening shows humility
Invite others to share their views
This expands the shared pool of meaning
Be willing to reshape your story as you receive more information

Your Path

Their Path

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If you want to be a person who makes quality decision…this is where listening is KEY.

We need to be open to others perspectives and willing to listen with an open mind. This is where you will get some additional information that shapes the story and will allow you to gain more understanding.

The outcome of a difficult conversation should be positive for both of you and that starts with listening to their story.

In the prework you learned about the shared pool of meaning and here we can see a visual representation of it.

Each of our paths are paved with our own ideas, opinions, and values. As we both share our POV’s, we become aware of what we have in common.

Ask Audience: What do you remember from the pre-work about the shared pool of meaning? Share their opinions about the shared pool of meaning.

NOTE From the BOOK: Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us, but also propels our every action.

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STATE Model

Talk Tentatively

Find the balance between confidence and humility

Don’t deliver the message forcefully
Understand that your facts may not be the absolute truth
Be mindful of how you phrase your statements

“It’s starting to look like…” is more effective than, “The fact is…”

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We know we need to share the facts and keep it simple and allow the other person to share their side with a willingness to be open and understanding. Now we will talk about a couple of ways to do this.

When we talk tentatively we are sharing our story as a story vs. representing it as a hard fact.

Examples of this include the following phrases: I was wondering why, it seems like… Perhaps you weren't aware

This is where you want to make sure you are not jumping to conclusions and accusing the other person, but also not going too soft.

Back to my bad test score example:

Too Hard: You were being lazy and didn't care and that is why you got a bad grade.

Too Soft: It's really not a big deal that you got the bad grade.

Just right: It seems like you didn't put in the work and you got a bad grade.

You are aiming to live in the space where confidence and humility meet. Afterall, you’re trying to fill the shared pool of meaning.

Your story (facts plus your conclusion) should be delivered in a tentative way.

This doesn’t mean that you must “playing dumb” or be insincere.

It means you are confident enough to express your conclusion AND understand that your facts/conclusion may not be complete/the absolute truth

This can be as simple as swapping “The fact is…” to “In my opinion…”

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STATE Model

Encourage Testing

The challenge is to engage in conversation and not just win an argument

Approach with an open mind
Welcome opposing views
Extend sincere invitations

“I truly want to hear your side of it,” is more effective than, “You get what I’m trying to say, right?”

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You don’t have to choose between speaking your mind and hearing others out. Both are possible in a difficult conversation.

This is where we ask the other person to share their story. How we ask them to do so makes a big difference. You want them to know that you truly want to understand and that you care.

Their opinions may be vastly different but that should drive you to encourage them to share them because you want to get the whole story

Examples are things like: I'd really like to hear the other side of this story. Does anyone see it differently? I'd really love to understand what you think here.

Back to my bad grade example:

It seems like you didn't put in the work and you got a bad grade. Can you help me to understand what happened?

You want the other person to know that you really care and want to hear their side.

What questions do you have?

Now that we've talked through the steps - let's see it in action! STOP – Ball to Catie

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STATE Example Video

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STATE Example Video

How are we seeing John

apply the STATE model?

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STATE Exercise

Directions

Read your assigned scenario

Apply each step of the STATE model to your scenario

List specific actions for each step

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WebEx Training Breakouts�

Starting the Breakout Room:

A Presenter is randomly chosen from participants
Select Yes to begin the breakout

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STATE Exercise

What action would you take

for each step of the STATE model?

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Derailment & Recovery

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Derailment

How can we tell if the conversation is in danger of derailing?

Changing or ignoring the subject

Deflecting

Accusations are made
Ownership is avoided

Blame Game

Becoming upset destroys the ability to give/receive quality feedback

High Emotions

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Let's discuss DERAILMENT

The question here is how can we tell if the conversation is in danger of derailing?

You may have done your

homework,
made it safe,
presented your facts
And added to the pool of meaning

but what you can't predict exactly is how the other person will react.

I'm sure you've all been in situations where the conversation gets derailed

and we find ourselves moving away from the common goal.

And Sometimes it may have even been us doing the derailing.

So we need to ask ourselves….why does this happen?

Some of the most common reasons for derailing are

Deflecting,

the blame game,

and high emotions.

For Deflecting –

Some people are good at changing the subject.

Which makes it difficult to get back on track with the initial discussion

And I think we all know the Blame Game –

You know common phrase "This is probably your fault because of ….”

This is something we hear when ownership is avoided.

And we always keep in mind that the accusations may not even be facts

And lastly High Emotions – Tone is everything in a conversation.

It's easy for people to become defensive when they feel they are being attacked, blamed

or even receive the constructive feedback in a negative way

and this is where their emotions may get the best of them.

Ultimately, the person is guarding themselves and, maybe without even knowing it, they are avoiding the topic at hand.

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Staying on Track�

Prepare for the worst…and work your way back

Ask yourself in advance:

How can I prevent this?
If they respond like this, how should I reply?

Ask strategic questions
Stick to the plan
Keep mutual respect and mutual purpose front of mind

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Derailment Example Video

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STATE Example Video

How did Lindsey derail the conversation?

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STATE Example Video

How did Lindsey derail the conversation?

How did John get it back on track?

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Break until:

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Exploring Others’ Perspectives

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Why Other Perspectives Matter�

Gain insight into other rationale and objectives
Reevaluate the validity of your conclusions
Draw from shared pool of meaning
Reshape your story

…also, what if you’re wrong?

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So why does others perspective matter?

Let's start by looking at the Shared Pool of Meaning visual again,

What we see here is in order to reach that intersection of meaning,

we have to take TWO paths into consideration, ours AND our Counterpart’s.

Once we’ve gathered the story and the facts from ‘their side’,

we next can hold that information up against our own conclusions,

Then sift through both stories,

and find the path pointing us towards a melding of two stories.

So as we’re looking at the other’s perspective,

we need to do so from a place of openness, compassion, and honesty,

and it will actually allow us to:

Better understand the other person’s logic and motives.

For example:

Maybe the email you received from a co-worker who provided some constructive feedback has less of a sting
once you confront that person
and you hear that they actually think you have a lot of potential
And were only trying to offer some pointers because they like watching you grow and make progress.

Secondly, this process helps us re-assess the validity of our own conclusions.

So After taking in the additional information,

we can now look at whether there are aspects of the situation that we may have misread or misunderstood,

and with this new insight, we can determine

Does our stance shifts at all?

Does some of our emotion dissipate or soften?

And even crazier

Acknowledging that we are human and thus prone to mistakes now and then

We have to accept the reality that we could even be wrong to some degree, and that’s okay.

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Simply invite them to share their POV
“What are your thoughts about this?”

Ask

Describe body language and tone if it doesn’t match what they’re saying
“You say you’re fine with what happened in the meeting but based on your tone, you seem frustrated.”

Mirror

Repeat, in your own words, what they just told you
“If I understand correctly, you felt like the client didn’t take you seriously.”

Paraphrase

Express your best guess at what they are thinking or feeling
“Do you think the client doesn’t see your credibility because you’re a junior resource?”

Prime

AMPP Model

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So now let's take this time to review the AMPP model

If our goal is to understand the other person’s perspective

and then hold it up against our own,

we need to create an environment for them to share comfortably.

Aside from establishing and maintaining safety and trust throughout the discussion,

there are certain techniques to pull from,

that promote active and engaged listening,

and encourage the other person’s voice to be heard.

This process is acroynmed AMPP, which stands for Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime.

Utilizing some or all of these techniques

can help you elicit critical information

and ensure you’re hearing them correctly.

So we will start with:

Ask: This first technique sounds simple

but we need to demonstrate focused intention around asking for their path,

especially if your counterpart is not offering it freely.

So when doing this you need to be prepared to receive challenging or uncomfortable information.

This isn’t like asking someone, ‘how are you today?’ and expecting a socially acceptable, ‘I’m fine’ response.

And as they are sharing, it’s important to stay curious

so if they give you information that’s vague or unclear, continue asking for more detail until you feel they’ve likely shared in full.

So If you are asking questions and this person seems uninclined to share,

you can continue with probing techniques such as:

Mirror: If they say they’re fine but their face is puckered and their tone is dismissive,

you can describe to them what you’re seeing or hearing.

For example “You say nothing’s wrong but you appear visibly upset – am I detecting something here?”

BUT A word of caution,

you need to stay mindful around how you’re delivering this message so you don't offend or come across as judgmental.

Saying to someone, ‘your tone on that call was rude and extremely passive aggressive, why is that?’

This most likely is not going to prompt someone to open up.

Another technique is Paraphrase:

This technique you can use to demonstrate that you’re truly hearing what they are saying,

and gives them an opportunity to clarify if your summary doesn’t line up with their perspective.

As a PM I use this one often

for example "I think what I heard you say is that x, y and z are the main issues that are impacting you, is that correct, or did I miss understand?"

The last technique you can use is Prime:

this is using ‘best guess statements’ with the goal of jump-starting the conversation

and prompting your counterpart to share their thoughts.

This is another one where you need to proceed with caution

Make sure to maintain neutrality in your statements so you don’t cause inflammation.

Ultimately, This gives them the opportunity to open up to you and shows them you're engaged and willing to hear what they have to say

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Protect Other Perspectives

Even if you don’t necessarily agree, you do need to:

Keep it safe
Make the attempt to understand and respect their POV

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So we touched on why other perspectives matter

but now let's dive into why it's important to protect other perspectives

As you gather someone else’s take on a shared situation,

you and your counterpart may be able to reach consensus in a relatively straight line.

"Here’s the situation as I see it, here’s the situation as you see it, here’s how we meet in the middle and move forward. "

However, life is messy and things aren’t always that predictable.

Maybe you initiate the discussion and then you both need to step away from it

so both parties can process and reconvene later.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Taking a beat and gathering your thoughts and emotions is always a better route then continuing to beat a dead horse

OR Perhaps you hear their side of the story and nothing is resonating as truth to you.

For instance, I would have a really hard time meeting a customer in the middle, if they start advocating that we staff an upcoming project with men only. Obviously this is not going to fly.

But what we need to uphold in these conversations regardless, is that they stay safe –

AND - that we’re persistent in trying to understand where the other person is coming from and why.

Ultimately, we aim to make room for space and give grace in these conversations.

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AMPP Exercise

Directions

Read through the scenario

Apply your assigned AMPP skill to the scenario

Be specific!

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AMPP Exercise

How would you apply your

AMPP skill in this scenario?

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Receiving Difficult Messages

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Strategies

Listen

Receive

Pause before responding

Fight the urge to interrupt

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We’ve touched on listening throughout this presentation and it’s a concept worth reiterating because we can’t prepare to deliver a difficult message without also preparing to receive one.

Critical conversations can be tricky because not only are we planning to challenge our counterpart in some way, but they may share insight and opinions that challenge OUR actions, or reactions, and even the way in which we view ourselves. The key here is to avoid natural temptation to feel threatened or defensive, and instead stay CURIOUS and stay open.

As you take in what your counterpart is saying, it’s critical that you are listening actively and giving them your undivided attention so that you’re not missing any detail or nuance. As the conversation continues, you can repeatedly anchor back to the question, ‘what can I gain from this message?’ Are there pieces of the message that resonate somehow and therefore require some attention? And are the aspects of it that do not resonate and therefore I can kinda let go of?

Secondly, it’s important to think about if there are insights to gain around your messenger that better frame his or her motives? Maybe you’ve been dealing with a customer who’s been putting a lot of pressure on you and the team to complete a deliverable sooner than is reasonable, and has been speaking to you in a disrespectful way while asking for it. When you address the customer to level set expectations, you might learn that she’s under intense scrutiny from leadership to get that information immediately. While it doesn’t excuse her bad behavior, it does give you broader context to understand why she’d be acting the way she is.

Research also recommends that as you take in information that’s uncomfortable, ‘sit with it’ for a moment before you react. This allows you to pass through any kneejerk responses or comments, helps you stay in emotional control, and ultimately should keep the conversation more production. ‘I need a minute to chew on that’.

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Protect the Messenger

Separate the message from the messenger

Realize who the person/message represents
Consider their feelings about the message
Refrain from ignoring due to poor delivery

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An important way to keep these conversations healthy is to maintain emotional respect for the person who is delivering the message – AKA ‘Don’t Shoot the Messenger’

This person, like you, is a human being with feelings and ego that can be bruised if not handled with care. You’ll maintain better balance if you can separate out the message from the messenger.

And when particularly sensitive topics are being broached, an effective tactic to staying non-reactive is to imagine the message is being delivered by ‘your one person’ – that someone who utterly respects and adores you, such as your 93-year-old Grandmother named Donna. If we pretend a difficult message is coming from Grandma Donna, who wouldn’t say something to intentionally hurt us, we might open up more to the message itself, and sidestep any preconceived notions we have around about the real messenger.

Even if you’re using these tactics and the message is still being delivered poorly – does not mean the content inside of the message is invalid. As best you can, split the information off from the delivery of it to assess and find anything that hits home. We want to get at what’s BEHIND any ill-equipped delivery.

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Stay Open-Minded

Let awareness and growth be the compasses that guide you

Focus on the mutual purpose
What can you apply from this message?

Look for the action
Consider the urgency
What do I do with the feedback I received?
Identify what resonates and what doesn’t
Make it actionable
Opportunity for growth

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Thinking back to video

If you are Lindsey, how do you grow from the difficult message?

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Wrap Up

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Escalating the Issue

What should I do if the conversation takes a turn for the worse?

Person becomes combative/verbally abusive
Person refuses to participate in the conversation
Exit as gracefully as possible
If HR needs to get involved, also let their manager know

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Final Word

Difficult conversations are scary, we get it.

Start with mutual respect and mutual purpose
Utilize and prepare the tools and methods you’ve just practiced
Know your resources
Know when to escalate
All about growth, personal and professional

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Action Plan

Complete the Action Plan in the follow-up email

Return to Internal Training
CC your manager

Consider concrete steps and observable results
Discuss with your manager in 1:1s

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Taking Action

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Taking Action

Dialogue is not decision making. Keep them separate.

We want to avoid unclear expectation and failure to take proper action when the conversation is over
Be clear on how decisions will be made early on
Who does what? By when? How do we follow up?
Consider who cares and who needs to agree

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The opinions of others are sought out to help influence the decision

Stakeholders value efficiency but don’t want to spend too much time discussing options

The conversation doesn’t end until everyone agrees on a decision
Can help promote unity

Consult

Vote

Consensus

Methods of Decision Making

Decisions are made with no involvement from others
Useful when an immediate decision is necessary

Command

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Annotation Instructions

Select to use drawing tool

Select to change pen color

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Decision Making Case Study

You and your colleague have had a difficult conversation evaluating technology options for an internal project. Together, you have created your “shared pool of meaning,” discussing all relevant information, experiences, and opinions.

Now you need to decide which technology to choose.

Which decision making method do you use?

Command	Consult	Vote	Consensus

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Decision Making Case Study

You and your colleague have had a difficult conversation evaluating technology options for an internal project. Together, you have created your “shared pool of meaning,” discussing all relevant information, experiences, and opinions.

New information: This decision needs to be made ASAP, as internal processes are beginning to suffer.

Which decision making method do you use?

Command	Consult	Vote	Consensus

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