Steps 8 and 9�Making Amends�

12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictive sexual behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

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• Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
• Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

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• Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
• Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
• Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
• Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

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• Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
• Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
• Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.

Recap of The Steps

• Steps 1, 2, 3 - Surrender and Getting right with God

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• Steps 4, 5 - Getting right with myself
• Steps 6, 7 – Spiritual Realignment

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• Steps 8, 9 – Making Amends - Getting right with Others

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• Steps 10, 11 - Living the Steps Daily
• Step 12 – Spiritual Transformation & Service

Why Steps 8 and 9 Go Together

These two steps form a clear process:

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• Step 8 is about preparing—I make a list of the people I harmed and become willing to make things right.

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• Step 9 is about taking action—making direct amends where possible.��
• They go together because one without the other is incomplete. If only a list is made and never followed through, it’s for no purpose
• Step 9 teaches how to approach these conversations with humility, clarity, and compassion.

Step 8: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."

How to Complete Step 8

• Make a comprehensive list of those harmed. Use your 4th step inventory as a reference. (addiction, financial,

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• Name the harm specifically. Be concrete: what did I do, and how did it affect them?

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• Sort the list into categories:
• Ready to make amends
• Willing, but not ready
• Not willing yet
• Cannot make contact (due to death, legal boundaries, safety, etc.)

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• Pray for willingness. Ask God to help you become ready to make amends even to those with whom you struggle.

Common Mistakes and Readings

Common Mistakes

• Minimizing harm or skipping difficult people.
• Treating Step 8 as a to-do list rather than a spiritual exercise.
• Confusing making amends with re-establishing relationships or seeking forgiveness.

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Suggested Readings for Step 8

• SAA Green Book, Chapter on Step 8.
• Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step 8.

Step 9: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

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What Step 9 Is

• This is where we take action. It’s not just apologizing — it’s repairing the damage.
• It’s not about getting things off our chest — it’s about healing the other person, where possible.

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What Step 9 Means

• Amends means "to change." It's not only about words — it's about changed behavior, restitution, and relational integrity.
• Some harms, especially around sex, require extraordinary discretion and spiritual guidance.
• This step is about cleaning up the wreckage of our past, not reopening old wounds.

�Why It’s Called “Making Amends”

• Making amends is more than saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about restoring integrity and trust—sometimes through words, sometimes through action.

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• The word “amend” means to change or to repair. So making amends is about doing what you can to repair the damage I caused during your addiction.
• �This can become your turning point in your recovery. These steps allow you to move from guilt to freedom, from shame to responsibility. Not all the relationships are restored—but you can be.

How to Complete Step 9

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1. Consult with a sponsor before each amend. Review intent, risks, and spiritual readiness.

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• Make direct amends where possible. This could be:
1. Verbal acknowledgment
2. Offering to repair damage
3. Demonstrating changed behavior over time

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• When direct amends are not appropriate, consider:
• Living amends (ongoing changed behavior)
• Indirect amends (writing a letter you do not send, donating to charity, etc.)

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• Document each amend and your spiritual and emotional process.

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• Let go of outcomes. Amends are not about being forgiven or fixing relationships. It does not always go smoothly.

Types of Amends

Direct Amends

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A face-to-face apology and attempt to make things right with the person harmed, whenever possible, without causing further harm.

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Key Points:

• Involves acknowledging harm directly to the individual.
• May include restitution or concrete action (e.g. repaying money, correcting lies).
• Requires courage, honesty, and humility.
• Must be done only when it won’t injure the other person or others.

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Indirect Amends

Making restitution or expressing remorse in a way that does not involve direct contact, when direct amends would cause further harm or are impossible.

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Key Points:

• Used when the person is deceased, unreachable, or it would cause more damage to make contact.
• May involve writing unsent letters, praying, acts of service, or symbolic gestures.
• Helps relieve guilt and continue spiritual healing when direct amends aren't safe or appropriate.

Types of Amends

Living Amends

A long-term change in behavior that demonstrates commitment to recovery and personal transformation as a way of making things right.

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Key Points:

• Involves consistently living in a new way (e.g. honesty, integrity, responsibility).
• Applies especially when trust is broken and cannot be rebuilt with words alone.
• Measured over time through actions, not promises.
• Often ongoing and part of daily Step 10 work.

Common Mistakes and Readings

Common Mistakes

• Making amends too soon — without spiritual readiness.
• Seeking to relieve your own guilt rather than offer healing.
• Ignoring advice and going it alone.

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Suggested Readings for Step 9

• Sex Addicts Anonymous, Chapter on Step 9.
• The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step 9.
• A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps by Patrick Carnes (Step 9 section).

Benefits from these Steps

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Making amends is not easy. Here are the potential benefits you may experience:

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• Peace instead of guilt
• Honesty in your relationships
• No longer carrying the weight of the past
• Begin to feel more trustworthy
• See how God could use failures to bring healing

Discussion

Discussion Questions:

• What fears do you have around making amends?
• Have you seen a living amend done well? Poorly?
• How can we be sure our amends are not doing more harm than good?

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Spiritual Focus

• What is the HP’s role in granting humility, wisdom, and courage?
• How is this process about freedom from guilt, shame, and fear?