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Before we start!

We are recording this meeting today. I will attempt to edit out faces and voices as much as possible in the final video, but I cannot guarantee that your image and voice will not appear. My intention is to only publish the parts with slide presentations, and to edit out/pause recording during group activities/discussions, but again, I cannot guarantee that you’ll be completely edited out. Before we start, I want to give you the opportunity to change your name on the Zoom meeting and turn off your camera if desired.

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How to Talk to People You *REALLY* Don’t Agree With

When There’s More at Stake than Winning an Argument

Changemaker Workshops ~ October 6th, 2022

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~ Getting Present in the Space ~

“All the World Is One” by Peter Mayer - https://open.spotify.com/track/1GASGQq8Ej9qko9Otdq7Wb?si=a935618e105d43f3

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Tech Info

  • Please mute yourself unless you are actively speaking or stay silent while not engaging in the conversation.
  • Designated monitor will be monitoring the chat box and any raised hands.
  • If you would like live closed captions that will pop up as people are speaking:
    • Click on the three dots that say “More”
    • Click on “Live Transcript”
    • Click on “Enable”
  • We will be using the chat box during this meeting as one option for participating. To use the chat box, click on the three dots that say “More,” then click on “Chat,” and you can type where it says “Type message here…” To close the chat box, click on the down arrow in the top left of the box, then click “Close.” The other option is to raise your hand to speak out, which the Zoom monitor will be looking out for.
  • There will also be a moment when we will collectively contribute to a Google document.
    • Please note that it is difficult to edit Google docs if you are not on a computer. When it comes time for the activity, you can designate note takers or type into the chat if you are unable to edit the document.

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We strive to be an actively accessible space

  • Please make yourselves as comfortable as possible!
  • Zoom can be hard to engage with for long periods of time. If you need to turn off your camera or leave and come back, please be welcomed to do so.
  • If at any point your access needs are not being met or you need something in order to feel more comfortable, please feel welcome to do whatever you need to do, including standing up, stretching, leaving, using the bathroom, etc. If you need anything from me, please let me know!

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Intros & Connection Game

  • Name
  • Pronouns
  • What you’re wearing/look like
  • Access needs (what you need in order to be as comfortable as possible in the space. Everyone has access needs, so if yours are met, please say, “My needs are met.”)
  • A word/phrase that describes how you’re arriving here today
  • Connection Game: Share 2-3 things that are special about you! People who relate to something you’re saying will raise their hands and then you’ll pick one of those people will go next! F/ex: Person A: “I like to ride horses and I am a good listener.” (Person B raises hand.) Person B: “I used to ride horses as a kid! My name is…” and so on until everyone has shared!

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Welcome!!

  • Who I am
  • The Changemaker Workshops are monthly workshops for people who care about the world and want to learn skills to take meaningful action in our communities! The goal of these workshops is to help you develop the skills you need to build and engage with radical, resilient, connected communities, and to take action on the issues that are important to you!
  • Today we’re going to be talking about how we organize and build resilient, connected movement communities.

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Acknowledgements & Contributions

Please consider donating to the following groups today if you are in the financial position to do so! The Changemaker Workshops are kept intentionally free, partially so that folks with the means to do so can put our money where our mouth is by contributing between $25-$100 to groups that are already doing this work in real time.

Listed in the next slide are groups that have directly contributed to the ideas we're learning about today, often with no direct compensation for their world-changing work. If you are privileged to live comfortably in this society, I invite you to consider wealth redistribution as part of your contribution to the movement!

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Acknowledgements & Contributions

  • The Launch Pad Teen Center is on the ground doing this work in real time in our community! In their own words, “The Better Together Campaign is a call to action to engage in civil discourse and encourage respect for differences. [...] Through Better Together, we hope to discover the issues affecting our community and offer tools to facilitate meaningful conversations, starting small with a guidebook for families at their own dinner tables and expanding to include large scale conversations with all of Yavapai County."

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Agenda for Today

  • Intros & Welcome
  • Covenant & Group Agreements
  • Questions & Conversation
  • Small Group Activity/Story-telling
  • Positionality
  • 30-Minute Break
  • Role-Playing Activity
  • Takeaways from Today
  • Closing

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Objectives for Today

Today will be an opportunity to try out what community building and relationship-strengthening looks like in real time, important tools for building a strong volunteer base. As we learn from each other about what works well for volunteer organizing, we will also be practicing some of these community-holding tools with each other in real time. I invite you to notice what you’re feeling as we create space together today - What feels good? What feels challenging? What could you see yourself bringing to other spaces you are a part of?

As usual, I don’t pretend to be an expert, and am just as much a student of learning how to hold space together as we all are! I am looking forward to learning and experimenting with you all today. <3

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Covenant & Group Agreements (Shortened Version)

  • We work at creating a welcoming space for all people, and we strive to center the experiences, voices, wisdom, & boundaries of the people who have experienced the most marginalization in our communities wherever possible, and especially when speaking about the issues that affect folks directly.
  • We work to actively unlearn and reject white supremacy, body shaming, transphobia, ableism, classism, and patriarchal behavior in all its forms, and replace it with a more loving, connected community.
  • In situations where the comfort of one party would come at the expense of the safety of another party, we will always prioritize safety over comfort.
  • When mistakes happen, we each strive to be open to difficult conversations, release defensiveness, leave space to grow, make time to reflect and learn, and focus on healing, love, and trust-building.
  • We believe that together, we can build a compassionate community of trust, healing, and care for one another.

Full covenant at: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kNoMMp-HXw5Lw95IxJPWbtJzrelaqumSs9KB-t3M9oI/edit

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“The world would be a paradise of peace and justice if global citizens shared a common definition of love which would guide our thoughts and action.”

~ bell hooks

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WHY are we having these conversations where we *REALLY* don’t agree with the other person? What do we feel is at stake in these conversations?

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*What is our GOAL when talking to people “on the other side”?*

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How would we like our values to show up in these conversations?

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How does our context and relationship to the other person shape how we are able to interact?

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~ Small Group Activity ~

Break into groups of two’s - one of you will share about a conversation with someone you didn’t agree with that you feel went BADLY, and the other will share about a time you feel it went WELL.

Part 1

Person A: Share about a time you had a conversation with someone you didn’t agree with and it went BADLY. What went wrong?

Person B: Make a few mental or written notes about Person A’s story, then discuss.

Part 2

Person B: Share about a time you had a conversation with someone you didn’t agree with and it went WELL. What helped make the conversation better?

Person A: Make a few mental or written notes about Person B’s story, then discuss.

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Group discussion - What were the key differences that changed how a conversation went?

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A quick note about positionality…

  • “Positionality” refers to “how differences in social position and power shape identities and access in society.” (From CTLT Indigenous Initiatives)
  • In other words, depending on one’s identity and the context of the conversation, conversations may have differing impacts on the people involved.
  • For example, when I am talking to cisgendered men (i.e. men who are not trans or nonbinary), I sometimes find it very difficult to have conversations around sexism. Examples of some factors that might make it harder for me are:
    • a) when I have been exposed to a lot of gendered violence/microaggressions lately, either first- or second-hand, and it’s hard for me to talk about sexism with a cis man right now,
    • b) when the person I am talking to is approaching sexism from the perspective of a detached intellectual debate or discussion, but it is something that impacts my life in very painful and direct ways, or
    • c) when the person is being directly sexist towards me, and it is clear that they are not willing to value and listen to me about my experiences and reality.
  • All of these factors can make the conversation much more difficult and even damaging for me than it might be for the other person.

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A quick note about positionality…

  • Some conversations may be safe for some people to engage in, but not for others.
  • If we are directly impacted by the topic that someone is talking about, we can check in with ourselves about whether we are feeling emotionally resourced enough to have that conversation in that moment. If not, it’s okay to change the subject or set boundaries that keep you safe. We might even ask an ally to follow up later.
  • If we’re an ally and not directly impacted by the topic, we can be intentional about what we hope to get across with the conversation. The sad reality is that many times, people will listen to people they consider to be “like them” but not to people who are directly impacted by the issues. We can be intentional about not speaking *for* directly-impacted people (we are not the experts), but we can share about what we have learned over time, and direct folks to online & print resources created by directly-impacted people.

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A quick note about positionality…

  • With all that said, even though it’s hard and it’s unfair, the truth is that sometimes directly-impacted people have to advocate for ourselves and explain our experiences to people in order for things to change. Some of the most powerful conversations I have had that have led to shifts in perception have been about how certain experiences with sexism, queerphobia, and ableism have made me feel.
  • What can help us to feel more resourced in these situations?

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“Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. ”

~ Paulo Freire

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During the break, you may want to grab some paper and drawing utensils for our final activity!

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30-Minute Break

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Using the tools we’ve developed today, how might we approach these fictional scenarios?

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~ Arts & Crafts Reflection ~

Draw, write, or take a mental note of one thing that you learned from folks in the space that you are taking with you today. If you are writing or drawing, consider making it look nice so you can put it up on your fridge or wall somewhere to remind you!

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Closing: Excerpt from Beyond Survival: Strategies & Stories from the Transformative Justice Movement

The primary offering here is a space to be.

Be here.

Be all over the place.

Be messy.

Be wrong.

Be bold in your hopefulness.

Be confused in community.

Be reaching past isolation.

Be part of the problem.

Be hungry for the after.

Be helpful in the midst.

Be so early in the process.

Be broken by belief.

Be bolstered by brave comrades.

Be unbelievably unready.

Be alive.

Image description: A pink and cream-colored heart on a dark brown background looks like it’s created from globby streaks of paint or glue or icing creating a very messy, alive-looking image. Image from marriagegeek.com.

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Acknowledgements & Contributions

  • The Launch Pad Teen Center is on the ground doing this work in real time in our community! In their own words, “The Better Together Campaign is a call to action to engage in civil discourse and encourage respect for differences. [...] Through Better Together, we hope to discover the issues affecting our community and offer tools to facilitate meaningful conversations, starting small with a guidebook for families at their own dinner tables and expanding to include large scale conversations with all of Yavapai County."

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Resources