FINDING LOVE
The journey to true love
References
Bode, A & Kushnick, G. (2021). Proximate and ultimate perspectives on romantic love. Frontiers in psychology, 12.
“Mutual attraction and reciprocated love are the most important characteristics that both women and men look for in a potential partner (Buss et al., 1990).”
“Although both sexual desire and attraction operationalise mate choice, only attraction, and not sexual desire, may be necessary for romantic love to occur (see Leckman and Mayes, 1999; Diamond, 2004). Intense attraction is characterised by increased energy, focused attention, feelings of exhilaration, intrusive thinking, and a craving for emotional union (Fisher, 1998)”
De Sousa, R. (2015). Love: A very short introduction. United Kingdom: Oxford University Press.
Sternberg, R. J. (1988). The triangle of love: Intimacy, passion, commitment. New York: Basic Books.
Stendhal. (1915). On love.
“The only unions legitimate forever are those that answer to a genuine passion” CXV
Shakespeare, W. (1609). Shakespeare’s sonnets. London: sold by William Aspley.
“Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments” Sonnet 116�“My love is as a fever, longing still for that which longer nurseth the disease” Sonnet 147
cares
concerns
worries
cares
concerns
worries
LOVE
LOVE
LOVE
LOVE
LOVE
Romantic love - Consummate love - True love
Chemistry
Intimacy
Commitment
attraction
spark
just the two of us
passion
pashing
stay
genetic
unconditional
forever
overcome any obstacle
doing together
communion
bend reality
thrill
calm
as one
instant
electricity
mutual
1
2
3
total support
Romantic love - Consummate love - True love
Chemistry
Intimacy
Commitment
attraction
spark
just the two of us
passion
pashing
stay
genetic
unconditional
forever
overcome any obstacle
doing together
communion
bend reality
thrill
calm
as one
instant
electricity
mutual
1
2
3
total support
Sternberg, R. J. (1988). The triangle of love: Intimacy, passion, commitment. New York.
Chemistry
1
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
Communicate non-verbally
Dr. Mehrabian studied how the mind determines meaning in the communication of feelings and attitudes: he concluded that their interpretation is 7 percent from the words said, 38 percent from how the words are said, and 55 percent from visual cues in facial expression. We may conclude that the communication of feelings and attitudes does not need words. So, be aware of non-verbal communication.
Mehrabian, A., & Ferris, S. R. (1967). Inference of attitudes from nonverbal communication in two channels. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 31(3), 248–252.
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
right age?
right height?
am I ready?
doubts
a word
a meet
a kiss
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a kiss
Keep It Simple Stupid
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
blind date
dating app
right age?
right height?
am I ready?
doubts
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
blind date
dating app
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
blind date
dating app
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a word
a meet
a kiss
blind date
dating app
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a kiss
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Intimacy
2
calm
serene
safe
loving
wordless
embracing
as one
just the two of us
feeling
just the two of us
forever
communion
calm
as one
Intimacy
2
sex
tinder
Intimacy
2
calm
serene
safe
loving
wordless
embracing
as one
just the two of us
feeling
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
religion?
friends?
family?
obstacles
external constraints
internalised
status
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
religion?
friends?
family?
obstacles
external constraints
internalised
status
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
“love is not love which alters when it alteration finds”
Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
Keep It Simple Stupid
“love is not love which alters when it alteration finds”
Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
arranged marriage
Commitment
3
unhappy
unconfident
insecure
unloved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
arranged marriage
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds”
Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
Keep It Simple Stupid
Romantic love - Consummate love - True love
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments;
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.1
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark whose worth's unknown,
Although his height be taken.2
Love's not time's fool,
Though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come.
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no human ever loved.
William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
2 The line compares love to a guiding star for ships lost at sea (a bark is a boat), suggesting that love's value is immeasurable, even if its form can be observed.
1 True love will not be removed or even bent by anyone trying to remove it.
Commitment
3
not staying
Commitment
3
unhappy
unconfident
insecure
unloved
unaccepted
conditional
not staying
feeling
always
Commitment
3
unhappy
unconfident
insecure
unloved
unaccepted
conditional
not staying
feeling
always
dishonest
Commitment
3
unhappy
unconfident
insecure
unloved
unaccepted
conditional
not staying
feeling
dishonest
always
unreasonable
Commitment
3
unhappy
unconfident
insecure
unloved
unaccepted
conditional
not staying
feeling
dishonest
always
unreasonable
disrespectful
Commitment
3
unhappy
unconfident
insecure
unloved
unaccepted
conditional
not staying
feeling
dishonest
always
unreasonable
disrespectful
contemptuous
Commitment
3
unhappy
unconfident
insecure
unloved
unaccepted
conditional
not staying
feeling
dishonest
always
contemptuous
disrespectful
unreasonable
Romantic love - Consummate love - True love
My love is as a fever, longing still for that which longer nurseth the disease,
Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,
The uncertain sickly appetite to please.
My reason, the physician to my love,
Angry that his prescriptions are not kept,
Hath left me, and I desperate now approve desire is death,
Which physic did except.1
Past cure I am, now reason is past care,
And frantic-mad with evermore unrest;
My thoughts and my discourse as madmen’s are,
At random from the truth vainly expressed:
For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,
Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.
William Shakespeare, Sonnet 147
1 Which medicine - physic - did not treat.
Renew
0
Renew
0
anger
obsession
heartbreak
Renew
0
anger
obsession
heartbreak
Renew
0
anger
obsession
heartbreak
Renew
0
anger
obsession
heartbreak
Renew
0
anger
obsession
heartbreak
Renew
0
Romantic love - Consummate love - True love
Chemistry
Intimacy
Commitment
attraction
spark
just the two of us
passion
pashing
stay
genetic
unconditional
forever
overcome any obstacle
doing together
communion
bend reality
thrill
calm
as one
instant
electricity
mutual
1
2
3
total support
Chemistry
1
a glance
feeling
nervous
anxious
scared
thrilling
a kiss
Keep It Simple Stupid
“Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?”
Marlowe, Hero and Leander. Shakespeare, As You Like It
Intimacy
2
calm
serene
safe
loving
wordless
embracing
as one
just the two of us
feeling
just the two of us
forever
communion
calm
as one
Commitment
3
happy
confident
secure
loved
accepted
unconditionally
always
staying
feeling
Keep It Simple Stupid
“love is not love which alters when it alteration finds”
Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
Chemistry - the stronger it is, the harder it is
The stronger the chemistry, the harder to act, but the greater the reward if you do, so KISS.
Chemistry comes rarely, and individual opportunities usually only come once. So take action, share the glance, KISS.
Chemistry - but there’s nothing if you don’t
Acted on
Not acted on
Chemistry - but there’s nothing if you don’t
Acted on
Not acted on
Keep It Simple Stupid
Non-romantic love
Family
Friends
Pets
Self
Goodwill
Hospitable
warm
full
Non-romantic love
‘Charity suffereth long, and is kind; Charity envieth not; Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.’
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 King James Version
Christian love in Paul’s epistles:
Family
Friends
Pets
Self
Goodwill
Hospitable
warm
full
Not love
Lust
Sex
cool
empty
Romantic love - Consummate love - True love
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments;
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.1
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark whose worth's unknown,
Although his height be taken.2
Love's not time's fool,
Though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come.
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no human ever loved.
William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
2 The line compares love to a guiding star for ships lost at sea (a bark is a boat), suggesting that love's value is immeasurable, even if its form can be observed.
1 True love will not be removed or even bent by anyone trying to remove it.
The END
TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE
Brannan, D. & Mohr, C. D. (2024). Love, friendship, and social support. In R. Biswas-Diener & E. Diener (Eds), Noba textbook series: Psychology. Champaign, IL: DEF publishers. Figure 1: Triangular Theory of Love (Adapted from Wikipedia Creative Commons, 2013). Retrieved from http://noba.to/s54tmp7k