Never Again!
Steps to Heal Betrayal Injuries and Restore Flourishing within Ministry���Dr. Jesse Gill���facetofaceliving.com
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Slides for today are found under the “Resources” Tab….. And then “Resources” again
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Dr. Jesse Gill
facetofaceliving.com
My personal connection…
I forgave the ones who hurt my parents, but I did not realize until years later the remaining impact on me.
Types of Betrayal Leaders Experience
Church members breaking trust or turning on them.
Staff or denominations altering responsibilities or contracts without assent.
Spousal infidelity or abandonment.
Mentees who fail morally or abandon relationships.
Impact of Betrayal
Emotional, Physical, Spiritual.
Created for connection, so isolation leads to health problems.
Rejection registers similarly to physical pain and can be treated with Tylenol!
“It is not good
for man
to be alone”–
Genesis 2:18
Human Attachment: �The Tangible Experience of Love
Attachment—the binding force that God ordained which drives us to connect with others in life sustaining, close, & secure relationships.
Developing Secure Attachment
Face to Face-TV
Shelter– Hide me under the shelter of your wings.
Delight—Apple of your eye
Have you experienced betrayal during your time in ministry?
Was it in relationship with a parishioner, your church leaders, or in your personal life?
How has this affected your emotional and spiritual health?
Are there any similarities between your adult experiences and those you went through as a child?
Reflection Questions
Torn in Two: �The Deep Imprint of Betrayal
Not only are we dealing with issues of Trust and Mistrust,
but we are also going
through grief and loss of a relationship.
This loss may be irreparable.
All �Attachments �to the brain �are �meant to be permanent.��-Dr. Jim Wilder
Attachment takes countless hours and repetitions to forge.
So, it hurts when we lose a bond with another person.
If feels like we are losing part of ourselves.
It takes an extensive process to heal which we call grieving.
Betrayal is Complex Grief
It’s a loss.
It’s even worse because they chose to do something that created the loss or rejection.
Never Again!
Betrayal Shatters our basic assumptions of the trustworthiness of others.
The very person that I trusted is also the one who harmed me. It creates an Attachment Injury, a double bind.
������Fight or Flight �(Red Zone)���Freeze-Shut Down �(Blue Zone)
It Propels us into
Two Extremes
Betrayal Fallout �Resembles PTSD
Attachment is vital
Betrayal traumatizes our nervous system and our view of relationships.
We have experienced loss in a relationship, AND the certainty about whether we can trust others has been shaken.
This makes it hard to heal AND harder to connect again.
Betrayal is a �Specific form of Trauma
We need trauma informed and attachment-based steps to be integrated with our faith for full healing.
Our reaction is even stronger if we have past childhood or past adulthood traumas in our lives.
Trauma Isolates and Disconnects Us!
Trauma experiences disconnect us from the verbal centers of our brain and also our time clock.
When we get triggered, it feels like the trauma is happening right now in our bodies.
We are disconnected from others, the present moment, and our ability to communicate.
Attachment is the Antidote to Trauma!
Our bodies and minds must be reengaged slowly again through the power of attachment.
Face to Face T.V. can be our framework.
Empathy: seeing our pain mirrored on the face of a trusted other, helps validate and remove the isolation.
It affirms that you are precious and that the betrayal was wrong!
Supported Grieving through the �5 stages of Grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance with Reinvestment.
Integrated Grieving Puts the Pieces of the Puzzle Together
It’s not just about “letting go,” but is focused on naming and integrating the totality of the loss.
�CPR for Healing Betrayal Trauma
Connections once again
Present Moment Focus tools, grounding us to heal trauma and grief.
Renewing of Our Mindsets about trusting others again!
Connections: �Face to Face T.V with an “Ally”
Sit Across so you can see their face as you tell the story.
”I just need to share this without commentary or advice.”
Breathe Deeply and pace yourself to remain embodied.
At the close, see if you can receive appropriate touch.
Indoor �Present Moment
5 Senses within the room.
“This is where I am today, and I am safe, loved, and protected.”
Eucharist as a Healing Present Moment Ritual
”On the night that He was betrayed, He took bread, gave thanks and broke it…” I Cor. 11:23
He knows what it is like to be betrayed
Shelter: On the night of His greatest anguish and betrayal, He gave us the gift of communion to remember what He went through and also that He has the power to heal and resurrect all things.
Delight: He was thinking of us. He thought of us at the Last Supper when He gave us Communion, and on the cross, “For the joy that was set before Him.”
Renewing of Mindsets
Green Zone leaders reach out for support from others. They remain tenderhearted.
This is hard to do if we have a mindset that says, “Never again!” ”Keep your walls up!”
Isolation and self-reliance place us at risk for burnout
You must have inputs while you are pouring out. Otherwise, you will burn out.
Serving while numb leaves us susceptible to seeking cheap replacements for our deeper needs.
First Mindset of Christ to Imitate: Forgiveness
Forgiveness of enemies and betrayers- “Father forgive them…”. Luke 23:34
Forgiveness is not something we can do on our own, but the simple choice to begin the process is part of our healing for betrayal.
Second Mindset of Christ to Imitate: Trust
Entrusting Himself to God. “Into your hands I entrust my spirit…” Luke 23:46
Trusting God to take care of your heart in life and in death, is an act of surrendering and openness once again, which is the opposite of remaining closed off in your heart. “I entrust my heart to You, so that I can remain tender for whatever assignments you bring next to me.”
More Chapters in Green Zone
--Healing Disillusionment with God
--Healthy Sexual Attachment in Marriage
--Prevention of Moral Failure
--Healing Roots of Vices and Besetting Sin
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Feel free to reach out:
Dr. Jesse Gill
wjessegill@msn.com
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