TRAUMA is an experience of injury, loss or catastrophe that we cannot immediately understand, process, narrate, or work through.

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TRAUMA causes DISORDER to our otherwise ORDERED lives

CONNECTION

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“To get to the thriving stage of trauma, it is essential to find a trustworthy person and talk about our innermost feelings.”

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GENESIS 2

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“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner.” (NRSV)

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WE MUST CONNECT TO THRIVE

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1979 Harvard Study of 7,000 people between the ages of 35 and 65, over a 9-year period concluded:

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People who lack community are 3x more likely to die of medical illness than those who have active social lives.

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BIRDS OF A FEATHER…

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• Naturally tribal
• We look for SOMETHING in common as a starting place
• Makes connection easier, safer

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1. WHO WE CONNECT WITH MATTERS

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“We are the product of the five or six people that we spend the most time with.”

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SYMPATHETIC RESONANCE

What’s our vibe?

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“If we want…love, healing, humility, and kindness, we cultivate that vibe within us, and others on the same frequency will be attracted to it.”

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EXAMPLES?

Want to get healthy?

Stay sober?

Accept or love yourself?

Find more joy?

Find a sense of purpose?

Work through grief?

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CONNECTION CAN REDUCE IMPACT OF TRAUMA

The Buffer Theory

The presence of a social support system helps buffer, or shield, an individual from the negative impact of stressful events.

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2. HOW WE CONNECT MATTERS

• Active listening/mirroring
• Being attuned to mood
• Being in synch with mode
• Awareness of their language
• Know yourself & your feelings

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4 TYPES OF COMMUNICATION

1. PASSIVE - yield to others, fail to express themselves, avoid conflict, ‘keep the peace’

- Avoid eye contact

- Inability to say ‘no’

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4 TYPES OF COMMUNICATION

2. AGRESSIVE – harsh, overbearing; blaming, intimidating, criticizing, threatening;

- fail to listen

- direct eye contact

- all about winning

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4 TYPES OF COMMUNICATION

3. PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE- passive on the surface, but within feels powerless or stuck, building resentment that leads to acting out in subtle, indirect or secret/sabotaging ways.

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4 TYPES OF COMMUNICATION

4. ASSERTIVE - We speak up, but in a way that is calm, non-reactive, and respectful of others. Clearly communicates our position, while considering others needs.

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ASSERTIVE IS MOST EFFECTIVE

• Mutual respect
• Most conducive to dialogue
• ONLY style that directly leads to mutual understanding, trust, deeper relationship

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ONLY ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION HEALS

Passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive have in common:

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• the person’s needs are not met;
• the wounds of past traumas are not healed

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BEING ASSERTIVE IS HARD

• Taught to “Keep the Peace”
• Often counter-cultural
• Saying “no” seems confrontational
• Takes time & patience
• Requires self-confidence
• Others?

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“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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3. BE AWARE OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS/SYSTEMS

• anyone can get into one
• they start off great!
• love bombing, charismatic
• but over time are about CONTROL
• they demand loyalty
• we become too exhausted to risk leaving

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HAVE BOUNDARIES

“Each person has an energy field around them. You are the sole gatekeeper of what can enter your space. Be aware of energy thieves, and maintain positive relationships and set healthy boundaries.”

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DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

• Am I connecting?
• What kind of vibes do I give off?
• Who am I attracting?
• Who surrounding myself with?
• Do I need to make a change?

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TRAUMA AS BARRIER TO CONNECTION

Trauma can yield a host of relational problems, including:

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• fear
• rage
• control issues
• isolation
• aggression

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• abuse
• longing
• neglect
• betrayal
• co-dependence