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�Taming the Beast of Perfectionism

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Jennifer Sheffield, Ed.S.

Gifted Education and Talent Development

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What does Perfectionism look like to you?

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How can perfectionism be...

A good thing?

A bad thing?

Maladaptive Perfectionism can lead to depression and/or anxiety and infringe upon your ability to:

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• Have relationships with others
• Complete tasks
• Take pleasure in accomplishments

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Adaptive/Positive Perfectionism can work for you in a good way:

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• Ex: Tracking food intake to maintain blood sugar if you’re diabetic
• Provides motivation to work towards ambitious goals

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Many bright young people are idealistic. They often feel like they don’t belong, which can lead to feeling empty or unworthy.

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These feelings can lead to perfectionistic behaviors.

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Most of the time people are just trying to be as good as everyone else to feel OK about themselves - versus striving to be actually be “perfect.”

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Perfectionism: A Practical Guide to Managing “Never Good Enough” Van Gemert (2019)

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Healthy Perfectionism

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• Driven to excel
• Organized and conscientious
• Self-accepting of mistakes
• Positive ways of coping with perfectionistic tendencies
• Role models who emphasize doing one's best

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Pat Schuler (1999)

unhealthy Perfectionists may display:

• Exaggerated fear of failure
• Extremely high standards
• Low self-esteem
• Excessive criticism of self and/or others
• Defensiveness
• A constant need for approval

Pat Schuler (1999)

Self-Defeating Perfectionistic Behaviors

• Overly-focused on grades
• Identity tied to academic achievements & performance
• Frustrated as self for not doing things exactly “right”
• Hides work from others
• Inaction and avoidance of particular tasks due to fear of failure
• “Imposter Syndrome”
• Save face by saying “could have” succeeded if had attempted the task

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Maladaptive Perfectionism can lead to:

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• fear and anxiety
• low self-esteem
• feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy and helplessness
• obsessive thought patterns
• depression
• social phobia
• compulsive habits
• Dread or paranoia

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• loneliness and/or isolation
• body image issues / anorexia
• substance abuse
• workaholism

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Habitual Procrastination

• Has intentions to start tasks but never does
• Puts tasks off until last minute
• Becomes frustrated when finally does begin task because time is limited and ideal cannot be reached
• May control image by explaining imperfections are a result of lack of time for preparation

The underpinnings of perfectionism

“When perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun and fear is the annoying backseat driver. We struggle with perfectionism in areas where we feel most vulnerable to shame.

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If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, I can avoid or minimize criticism, blame, or ridicule.”

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-Brene´ Brown

Researchers have identified three main categories of perfectionism:

• Self-oriented perfectionism
• Socially-prescribed perfectionism
• Others-oriented perfectionism

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“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Emily Kircher-Morris (2015)

Self-oriented perfectionism

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With self-oriented perfectionism, an individual sets high standards for himself or herself, but can feel defeated if/when unable to reach these expectations.

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“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Emily Kircher-Morris (2015)

“I should redo this.”

“I never do anything right.”

“That’s nice of you to say, but I should have done better.”

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Perfectionists can diminish their enjoyment in life by focusing on unmet goals and things that still need to be accomplished, rather than savoring their accomplishments.

The second type of perfectionism is socially prescribed perfectionism. An individual feels the external pressure of family members, coworkers and bosses, or society in general to live up to a high standard.

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Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism, Emily Kircher-Morris (2015)

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If I don’t do better, I’m going to let everyone down!”

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Socially-prescribed perfectionism

The third type of perfectionism is others-oriented perfectionism. This person will frequently subject others to intense scrutiny and hold unrealistic standards.

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“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Emily Kircher-Morris (2015)

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• The child who constantly corrects the teacher and other students in class when they make minor math, spelling, or grammatical errors.
• Can have trouble maintaining friendships and other relationships due to setting impossible expectations of others.

So, have I spelled anything wrong yet...?

Others-Oriented perfectionism

There are two major concerns with perfectionism in students:

Underachievement

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Emotional Turmoil

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“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

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There’s a difference between perfectionism and the pursuit of excellence.

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It’s desirable to expect excellence from highly-able students. Teach the difference between excellence and perfection and encourage “healthy striving.”

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Excellence can be achieved,

perfection cannot.

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http://www.ctgifted.org/website/publish/gifted/index.php?Helpful-Tips-for-Parents-of-Perfectionistic-Gifted-Learners-16

Healthy Coping Strategies

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Shift negative thought patterns to more realistic, positive coping statements.

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Change the thought: “I always mess up everything!”

To: “I make mistakes. Sometimes I can fix them and sometimes I can’t, but if I’m doing my best, I can feel proud of myself.”

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Statements that are too positive (“I’m great at everything I try to do!”) lose their power because they’re general and unrealistic.

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“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism”Emily Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

Practice making predictions.

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What are the worst, best, and mostly likely outcomes before something occurs? (Ex: a test or a performance)

...and then my trifold fell over and caught on FIRE!

Don’t Take it Personally.

Students need to understand a grade simply reflects the level at which their work matches the grading criteria. Grades are not an indication of self-worth.

• As teachers, we inadvertently feed perfectionism by giving only negative feedback on lower-scored work and only praise on highly-scored work.

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• If a student needs no effort to get an A+ and gets no feedback for growth - then there will be no growth.

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“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

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http://thesheaf.com/2016/12/05/getting-bad-grades-in-your-first-year-youre-not-alone/

Find a Buddy.

Perfectionists often feel like they should be able to solve all of their problems on their own. A confidant can share the struggle and help bring awareness to negative thought patterns.

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Even when you don't fully understand the intensity of someone’s feelings, a simple "I know this is really hard for you" can convey that you’re on their side.

“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

Set specific and manageable goals.

Perfectionists can become overwhelmed by the daunting nature of tasks they undertake. They may also have difficulty delegating responsibilities to other group members on projects (a manifestation of others-oriented perfectionism).

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“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism” M. Pyryt (2004)

“Helpful Tips for Parents of Perfectionistic Gifted Learners” Susan T. Berry (n.d.)

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• Attainment of excellence typically occurs as the result of small improvements over time rather than quantum leaps.

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• Set benchmark goals along the way. Break larger projects into manageable tasks that can be tracked.

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• Applaud students for putting in a good effort and trying new challenges.
• Redefine “success” and celebrate epic failure!
• Promote and model a growth vs. fixed mindset.
• Put it in perspective - “Have you lost a planet?”
• Remind students that the risk of a catastrophic failure in school is really quite low.

“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

Develop a safe learning environment and encourage taking risks.

Perfectionists can get really caught up in minor details. They can easily lose sight of the big picture and will procrastinate.

Learning to prioritize the importance of different tasks can help students put things into perspective.

Learning to prioritize can also help students understand the negative impacts of constantly critiquing others for minor flaws.

“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

Prioritize activities and tasks by importance and then match time commitment.

1 = Just make sure it’s done 5 = Do your absolute best - a must do!

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Not every class is worth your best effort - some are worth a reasonable effort. Classes where you have an opportunity for growth and are worth your best, perhaps “worksheet class” isn’t.

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- Lisa Van Gemert, The Gifted Guru

Label tasks with values from 1-5.

Most tasks tend to rank about a “3” in value

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Know when to quit.

Perfectionistic students may need assistance getting closure at each step of a project.

“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

The harder you work the harder it is to give up. - Vince Lombardi

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Goal Disengagement:

If a goal is not serving you or is harming you then abandon it and choose a new goal.

Work is never done. It’s just due.

Just DO it. 80% done is better than 100% still in your head.

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- Linda Kapfer

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Model the concept of “good enough” alongside the satisfaction of mastery and a job well done.

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“What did you learn/enjoy about the experience even if something didn’t come out like you’d hoped?”

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Study the lives of eminent people.

The path to success is usually not a linear one.

“Perfectly Fine: 5 Tips to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism” Kircher-Morris (2015)

“Helping Gifted Students With Perfectionism,” M. Pyryt (2004)

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Keep in mind: “Is this my problem, or does it belong to someone else?”

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• There are worse things in the world than a crying child. It’s hard to see your child or student suffering emotionally but don’t steal their struggle.

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• Let children process their feelings. It’s OK to feel sad, to be angry, or be disappointed. It’s not a realistic expectation for anyone to be happy all the time.

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• Get the student refocused on the actions they are taking - (“is it working?”)

instead of focusing on how they’re feeling.

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Expectations of yourself...

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Signs you might be expecting yourself to be a perfect parent or teacher:

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• Criticize yourself often
• Blame yourself when your child/student doesn’t succeed
• Compare yourself to other parents/teachers and feeling like you fall short
• Beat yourself up for not doing more, despite the fact you do a lot for your kids already
• Constantly second-guess your parenting or teaching choices
• Losing your cool often because your expectations are too high

What to Know About Perfectionist Parenting: https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-to-know-about-perfectionist-parenting-4163102

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...and others.

Signs you might be expecting your children or students to be perfect:

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• Difficulty watching your child do something if they doesn’t do it your way
• Micromanaging your child when they are working on a task
• Putting pressure on your child to perform flawlessly
• Criticizing your child more than you praise
• Pushing your child to fulfill your dreams
• Making your self-worth hinge on your child’s achievement
• Treating your child’s activities, like a math test or a soccer game, like they’re life-altering events

What to Know About Perfectionist Parenting: https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-to-know-about-perfectionist-parenting-4163102

A few ideas...

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OK, so I guess my entire academic career hasn’t destroyed from from that whole flaming tri-fold incident...at least folks will remember my presentation!

• Consider your language
• Avoid telling your child that her performance was a complete success or that losing was a total disaster.
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• Cut your child some slack
• If you find yourself yelling at your child because he didn't make his bed correctly or you are angry with him for getting some spelling words wrong, take a deep breath. Remember that kids are supposed to make mistakes and each mistake is a learning opportunity.
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• Limit your time on message boards and/or social media
• Comparing yourself to others is a recipe for negativity. Remember, you’re only seeing the highlight reel of another person’s life, not the whole film. Don’t compare your child to other children or your classroom to other classrooms. All kids (and teachers!) are different.
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• Focus on what you do right
• Acknowledge your strengths and practice a little self-compassion where you’re not a superstar!
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What to Know About Perfectionist Parenting: https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-to-know-about-perfectionist-parenting-4163102

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• Send healthy messages about failure
• Let your children make mistakes and fail sometimes. Talk about failure as a learning opportunity and acknowledge that failing a test or not making the school play is hard, but it’s not the end of the world.
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Pay attention to your child’s effort, not the outcome

Rather than praising your child for getting an A on a test, praise him for studying hard. Or instead of telling her that she did a great job scoring two goals in the game, tell her that you noticed she hustled hard. The focus should be on doing her best rather than making sure she achieves at all costs.

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Back off when your child is overwhelmed

It’s helpful to cheer your child on when he’s struggling, but insisting he keep trying after he’s mentally checked out isn’t a good idea.

What to Know About Perfectionist Parenting: https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-to-know-about-perfectionist-parenting-4163102

I hope you’ve enjoyed this presentation and learned some helpful things along the way!

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Actual footage of me working on this

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OK, not really. I didn’t use a mouse, and I wear reading glasses and...oh, wait...it’s OK that it’s not perfect - no one else cares!

Jen Sheffield, Ed.S.

mulberryjen@gmail.com

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Resources

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Dr. Brené Brown: “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

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Dr. Emily Kircher-Morris: “Unlimited Potential”l site:

http://www.unlimitedpotentialstl.com/emilykirchermorris.html

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Dr. Emily Kircher-Morris: podcast: https://www.mindmatterspodcast.com/about-us

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Lisa Van Gemert: “Gifted Guru” site: http://www.giftedguru.com/

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Lisa Van Gemert: “Perfectionism - Practical Guide to Managing Never Good Enough”

https://www.amazon.com/Perfectionism-Practical-Guide-Managing-Enough/dp/1935067451

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Dr. Jill Adelson & Dr. Hope Wilson: “Letting Go of Perfect” https://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Perfect-Overcoming-Perfectionism/dp/1593633629/ref=pd_sbs_14_img_2/147-4454986-3411531?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1593633629&pd_rd_r=a19479de-4bc3-441c-bbe2-fa75478ffa86&pd_rd_w=YBMhF&pd_rd_wg=uyKeE&pf_rd_p=5cfcfe89-300f-47d2-b1ad-a4e27203a02a&pf_rd_r=48T7SK3DZM752TXKYDX7&psc=1&refRID=48T7SK3DZM752TXKYDX7

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Harvard Business Review: “Perfectionism is Increasing and That’s Not Good News” https://hbr.org/2018/01/perfectionism-is-increasing-and-thats-not-good-news

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The Atlantic: “The Problem With Being Perfect” https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2018/11/how-perfectionism-can-be-destructive/574837/

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The : A Practical Guide to Managing “Never Good Enough” Van Gemert (2019)