Using Empowerment & Recognition

To Lessen Destructive Conflict

Agenda

• Transformative Theory of Conflict
• Spiraling Down
• Weakness & Self-absorption
• Spiraling Up
• Strength & Responsive to Other
• Reflecting
• Summarizing
• Practice

Conflict Reflection

• Reflect on a conflict in which you were personally involved.
• What was difficult about the conflict?
• What helped you through?

Theories of Conflict

• Power Theory: A struggle for domination.
• Rights Theory: A contest between competing claims of rights.
• Needs and Interests Theory: A problem in how to meet incompatible needs with limited resources.
• Transformative Theory: A crisis in human interaction.
• Parties need help in overcoming this crisis and restoring constructive interaction.

Heard exercise from med training (pg 4)

Transformative Theory of Conflict

“When we feel weakened and disconnected by conflict, our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors spiral down.”

Can you identify spiraling down in your own conflict example from earlier? In what ways?

People in Conflict Tend to Experience:

Weakness

• Unsettled, confused, fearful, disorganized, and unsure of what to do.

Self-absorption

• Self-protective, defensive, suspicious, and incapable of stepping outside of their own frameworks.

​

People in conflict tend to experience:

Weakness

• Unsettled, confused, fearful, disorganized, and unsure of what to do.

Self-absorption

• Self-protective, defensive, suspicious, and incapable of stepping outside of their own frameworks.

​

Recall the conflict example from earlier. Can you identify ways you felt weak or self-absorbed?

In conflict, we can also shift in a positive direction and spiral up.

“When we feel heard by others,

when we feel understood

(even when they don’t agree with us),

we start to feel clearer and calmer and can consider where the other person is coming from.”

Empowerment &

Recognition Shifts

Weakness

Unsettled, Confused,

Fearful, Disorganized

Strength

Calmer, Clearer,

More Confident, More Decisive, Openness

Self-absorbed

Self-protective, Defensive, Suspicious, Incapable of Stepping Outside of Own Framework

Responsive to Other

More Open, More Attentive to Other, More Able to See Other’s Perspective, More Willing to Accept Other’s Good Faith

​

“These kinds of shifts can transform our conversations and improve our relationships.”

So, how do we support a shift upward?

Helping Others Feel Heard & Understood

Summarizing

​

Reflecting

Reflecting

• Saying back to the speaker what you believe they just expressed.
• Use language that is close to the speaker’s own.
• Try to capture both substance & emotional tone.
• (without parroting)
• Examples:
• “(Name) what you’re saying is…”
• “So, for you, what’s happening is that..”
• “You seem to be [fill in an emotion].”

Reflecting

Some Tips on Reflecting

• Be an undistorted mirror.
• Don’t try to edit, soften or filter anything.
• Match the energy.
• Match the intensity of the energy, not the emotion.
• You can also reflect on what they are speaking through body language or silence alone.
• “You look like you’re uncertain what to say.”
• “You seem frustrated by what I said.”

​

Reflecting

Let’s Practice!

Summarizing

• Condensing a series of themes that were talked about, or a series of things that have happened, into essential points.
• A good summary is inclusive – nothing is strategically “dropped out.”
• Examples:
• “You have talked about several things…”
• “There are a number of things we see differently, including…”

Summarizing

Some Tips on Summarizing

• A summary is a thematic replay of the subjects discussed, not a literal reflection.
• Can include things you agree on, disagree on, topics discussed, different views
• Use the other’s language, where possible.

Summarizing

Let’s Practice!

Supporting Upward Shifts

Reflection

• A literal reflection of the substance and tone of what someone has said.
• Matches the energy of the speaker’s message.
• Is not parroting.
• Use close to the speaker’s language.

Summarizing

• Thematic summary of what was mentioned, discussed, agreed upon or disagreed upon.
• Condensing a series of things said.
• Use close to the speaker’s language.

Let’s Practice Some More!

1. Break into small groups of two or more.
2. Think of a real life situation (from home, work, or with friends) where you feel unsure, uncertain, or unclear about what to do about the situation.
3. Take turns being the “speaker” and the “listener.”
4. The “speaker” tells the “listener” about their situation.
5. The “listener” uses reflecting and summarizing to help shift the speaker upward.

Debrief

Upcoming Lunch & Learns

Recognizing High Conflict in the World and Yourself

Tuesday, March 21, 2023 @ 12:10 - 1:00

In the book “High Conflict” by Amanda Ripley, the author describes high conflict as “different from the useful friction of healthy conflict.” It is “[t]he force that causes us to lie awake at night, obsessed by a conflict with a coworker or a sibling or a politician we’ve never met.” In this program, participants will discuss what high conflict is, how to recognize it in the world and ourselves, and how to prevent it.

​

Conflict Entrepreneurs and Others Fanning the Flames

Tuesday, April 18, 2023 @ 12:10 - 1:00

Conflict entrepreneurs are those people in your orbit that feed into conflict and fuel the feud. Recognizing these individuals in your life can help to short circuit the spiral down into destructive conflict. Drawing from the book “High Conflict” by Amanda Ripley, this program will discuss ways to identify conflict entrepreneurs and ideas to reduce their influence,

Thank you for your participation!

Any questions or comments?