Parenting in The New World of COVID, Social Media, & Disconnection:�Why You Should End Your Work-Life Balance

Originally created in the 2021-22 school year. Updated for Feb 2023.

Land Acknowledgement

• The story of our carver in residence.
• I would also like to humbly acknowledge that I work on the unceded and traditional territories of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam), sel̓íl̓witulh (Tsleil Waututh) and sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish) peoples.

Tonight’s Agenda

• 1. Going Back to Basics – What do we know about the teenage brain and the role of the caregiver?
• 2. Understanding Today’s Landscape – Using data to look at COVID, technology & social media, attention, disconnection, and behaviour.
• 3. Some Practical Suggestions – What can we do? What do we need to do?
• 4. Question, Answer, and Discussion
• But don’t be afraid to ask clarity questions anytime, but we will also do Q & A at the end.

Part 1: Back to Basics

What Gordon Neufeld Can Tell Us

• Human beings crave attachment and belonging. This is also how we learn.
• Only adults are poised to provide lasting and unconditional positive regard (Rogerian).
• Children will always attach to something rather than nothing (think gangs).
• Neufeld speaks of the 6 steps in the first six years where we pass on the ability to connect to our kids.

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If you want to see a valuable 1-hour presentation from Dr Neufeld, check this one out HERE.

Understanding Stress & The Teenage Brain

• Understanding the three layers – Reptilian, Lymbic (Emotional), Cognitive.
• Why did we grow into a species with stress? Are we unique?
• Talking about the physical responses of stress and why they exist.

Video: How Social Media Changes Our Brains

Gabor Mate & The Lengths We’ll Go for Acceptance

• I want to share a couple paragraph example from Gabor Mate’s book, “The Myth of Normal.” (Bottom of Pg. 184-185).
• What does this tell us about the power of peer orientation?
• What does this tell us about the power of connection?
• What does this tell us about the power of the limbic brain as a teenager?

Why we Lose to the Pocket Supercomputer

• Compulsion, speed, and a lack of reflection
• Think ‘Twitter wars’.
• How easy it would be to add 2 minute reverse button.
• Why COVID struck here worst of all.
• Limited face to face interactions.
• Increased BUT RESTRICTED downtime for a group not used to it.
• I like to imagine COVID if instead we all had to be outside instead all the time.
• Essentially… the kids (and to some degree, all of us based on our age) rewired.

• How many of these icons can you recognize?

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• The average high school student knows 15-18.

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• The average adult receives 46 push notifications per day in North America.

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• How many do you think your teenager gets hitting their limbic brain per day?

Part 2: Understanding Today’s Landscape & �The Data

Some Findings from a Poll 3 Years ago of Our Gr 8s

• 60% of students preferred to use social media over talking directly to peers.
• What would Neufeld say about this?
• The average number of social media platforms students were on was 4.6.
• 30% of students reported that they ate MOST lunches on their phone next to peers on their phone.
• 35% of students say they want to check their social media at least two times an hour. Only 15% of students said they can go a full day without wanting to check.

Social Media Drama Stats (2019)

What our Grade 8s Said about their Health�(From the Grade 8 Health Fair – 2022)

• Across 150 kids surveyed, sleep and mental health were there most concerning areas.
• Over three quarters indicated they weren’t hitting their necessary sleep levels.
• They identified putting away technology was a particular challenge.
• “Even when I wanted to, it was hard. I do it without really thinking about it.”

VT Teacher Survey Results (40 responses)

VT Teacher Survey Results (40 responses)

Teacher Lines from Survey (Part 1)

• “Dysregulation and cell phone use are linked in my experience. When they no longer had the right to them in class, other behaviours and concentration improved. My theory is that it took away the temptation and thus allowed their brains to quiet.”
• “Certain students don't have an issue putting away their devices. I find those that are constantly active on social media feel the need to constantly have their phone on. Likewise, students who are borderline obsessed with a game will blatantly ignore me whilst talking to them just to continue playing.”

Teacher Lines from Survey (Part 2)

• “I have noticed this year, in particular, there seems to be a considerable amount of cell phone addiction among younger students in Grade 8 who seem to feel they can text friends during class time or answer their phone during class time. Also, there is the constantly wanting to have their phone close by and not in the back pack. Senior grades have been better…”
• “We need allies and help.”

A Macro Lens on American Schools

• From “362 Counselors on the Pandemics Effect on Children – Anxiety is Filling Our Kids (New York Times)

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• Thanks To Jaime Yard for the find!

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Suicide and Self Harm Stats

• 2018 – 17% Aged 12 to 19 had self-harmed in the last year.
• 47% are non-binary (what does that say about connection)
• 23% female
• 11% male
• Mid-pandemic wave was higher.
• Second spike as we come out of pandemic.
• The effect of change.
• Conclusion (think Neufeld) When things change, we look to our attachments. If the attachments aren’t 100% committed, we struggle.

The Positive Power of The Internet

• The internet is a double-edged sword.
• We are “tribe people,” meaning we want to connect with people like us.
• Wired from the last few hundred-thousand years.
• If you’re LGBTQ+, the only kid of your ethnicity, etc. the internet is a place where you can connect.

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• The issue is when the internet becomes the primary connection.
• Mr Van’s own online example.

Part 2B: Understanding Today’s Landscape - �Examples

A Regular Hallway at Lunch

The Problem of Missing Out

• First!
• POG.
• Camera man.

Game Fads

• Clash Royale 🡪
• Currently… Chess!
• It’s all the drive of competition meeting the fear of missing out.

Snapchat 101

• “The fastest way to share a moment.”
• Wildly popular pre-pandemic, but has dropped off somewhat.
• Snaps, Streaks, and Connection.
• School borders don’t matter.
• We see this in our own and other school challenges.

Instagram 102

• Instagram is the current leader in our schools for digital communication.
• Let’s talk about…
• Direct Message (DMs) Groups
• Multiple accounts
• Why people sit on zero posts
• Follow back culture

Spam Accounts

• How would you imagine people behave on a spam account?
• And when you don’t change your name, what does this say about what you stand for?

The Appeal of Share Accounts

• There are incredible accounts out there with amazing�content. I suggest @pups !!
• But these are also fast ways to get notoriety and�embarrass others.
• We are regularly tracking and trying to shut down�accounts.
• Try searching Van Tech __________.

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TikTok 103

• TikTok is a social media company profiting through data mining.
• Account or no account… TikTok records�your behaviours to maximize your time�on the app.
• Let’s talk about…
• Personalization
• Doomscrolling
• The 3 second watch
• Settings to take back control
• How it’s different in China

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TikTok School Challenges

• From September 2020-July 2021.

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• April 2022 was… light a school fire.

Discord 205

• Chat, image, audio, video all together.
• People host and build servers for specific themes or friend groups.
• It takes about 4 brain cells to set it up.
• Let’s talk…
• Grooming.
• Unpatrolled/unmoderated.

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Part 3: Three Practical Suggestions

Roll Back the Years on Attachment

• It’s never too late to re-orient your peer to you.
• Easier now than later, in fact.

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• Here are Neufeld’s 6 Stages:
1. Proximity
2. Sameness
3. Belonging or Loyalty
4. Significance
5. Love
6. Being Known

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2. Get into your kids business online

• It’s a myth to believe that most kids will “just figure it out.”
• Set up a weekly check in together – app check, time used, etc.
• Set goals with your kid about usage and developing a ‘why.’
• Have your kid teach you about new apps. Inspire an expert.
• As COVID continues to allow, have your kid bring friends over.

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• Key idea… Be consistent and connected.

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• Remember: If you pay the bill you own the service.

No social media unless you see your child’s accounts (they won’t like this at first)

• We used to live in a world where the adults knew when kids made mistakes. Now we only know if they tell us.
• It’s online, it’s off site/off property, it may be 3 AM.

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3. Set limits: Apple Devices

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• Use Apple’s “Screen Time (App Limits)” to control how long apps can be used.
• Make sure to set up the “Screen Time Passcode” and don’t share it.
• Use Apple’s Screen Time (Downtime) to control when the phone is unavailable.
• You can make some things available always.
• Can use parental controls with this: https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT201304

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3. Set limits: Android Devices

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• Get the Google Family Link app.
• Can also log into it from families.google.com
• More info here.

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4. Cultivate Empathy

• Remember: The internet won‘t do this for your child.
• Empathy and compassion are learned traits, they aren‘t innate.
• Think aloud through your own challenging examples.
• Engage and model self care and self reflection.
• Help your child step outside of the internet‘s Centre of the Universe problem.
• Everyone thinks they‘re Toronto online ☺

Empathy, Harvard, & The Secret to Connection

Strong Resources for Caregivers

• From The White Hatter (we’ve brought in twice and online once):
• https://www.thewhitehatter.ca/parents
• Includes a great Digital Use Agreement for kids to sign (really concreate).
• Parent Support BC (https://www.parentsupportbc.ca/) offers resources (especially Indigenous), parent support line, circles.
• Family Smart (https://familysmart.ca/monthly-events/Family) is a Vancouver group that offers resources, videos, and great monthly events.

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Lock down App Links

• https://www.verywellfamily.com/best-parental-control-apps-4779963
• https://www.bark.us/how/ [NO LONGER SUGGESTED ☺]
• https://www.qustodio.com/en/premium/?source=aw&utm_source=awin&utm_medium=221667&utm_campaign=Ziff+Davis%2C+Inc.&utm_term=Editorial+Content&awc=7874_1653684642_71d44b44b8eabf4134569629d2c9a70b&utm_content=text
• Larger list: https://www.tomsguide.com/us/best-parental-control-apps,review-2258.html

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Big Picture Student Social Media Tips

Bonus: The White Hatter Coming April 26th

Part 4: Question, Answer, & Discussion

��Thank you!��(We’ll share the slides on MrVan.org here)