1 of 38

Power of Choice to Resolve Conflict

Diana Abukazam

EC/ES Counselor/ Child Protection Officer at the American International School, Lagos

2 of 38

Introduction & Norms

American International School, Lagos → Childhood in Lagos, Nigeria
Current role: EC/ES Counselor; Child Protection Officer; 51 nationalities
20 years of experience serving elementary to graduate level university students from diverse backgrounds; 8-years of international school experience.
Master’s of Education Curriculum and Instruction Design with a specialization in Computer Education
Master’s of Counseling with PPS credential to support K-12 students
Some specialized trainings: Career Counseling, Crisis Counseling
Certified Yoga teacher
Hobbies: dancing, yoga, spending time with friends and family, learning, traveling
dabukazam@aislagos.org; EC/ ES Counselor Corner website: link
Personal project website: www.virtualselfcare.org
Linkedin

3 of 38

Introduction & Norms (cont.)

Now it’s your turn
Link to engagement document
Comment on

1A & B

Electricity

4 of 38

Overview

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?
How to use choice theory in supporting students to build relationships and increase self-esteem to manage conflict?
What strategies can be used to resolve the conflict?

5 of 38

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?

6 of 38

Engagement 2

(includes link to video & transcript)

Questions to think about:

What do you notice?
How did it make you feel?
How can you relate?
How does this relate to managing conflict amongst students?

(Becel Heart Makeover, 2022)

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?

7 of 38

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?

Learned helplessness

(Martin Seligman)

“Occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so.”

(Torphy, 2022)

(Ashjaee & Very Well, 2021 )

Engagement 3

Link to Learned helplessness video: https://youtu.be/C3a65C4kT-8
Link to transcript
Link to engagement document
overparenting (think: helicopter parents) can lead to learned helplessness in adulthood. Children who become overly dependent on their parents may develop a fear that they will fail without support. As painful as it can be to watch, children need to go through the routine failures of growing up that teach them to problem-solve, deal with disappointment, and build resilience.
Martin Seligman / Learned helplessness- https://youtu.be/C3a65C4kT-8
occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so.
When kids feel powerless over their situation, they feel they can’t
As adults we can give them strategies while being mindful to scaffold for their developmental needs to change their beliefs from “I can’t” to “I can”.

8 of 38

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?

Learned helplessness (Martin Seligman)

“Overparenting/ (think: helicopter parents/ or teaching) can lead to learned helplessness in adulthood.

Children who become overly dependent on their parents may develop a fear that they will fail without support.

It can lead to stress and depression.

As painful as it can be to watch, children need to go through the routine failures of growing up that teach them to problem-solve, deal with disappointment, and build resilience”

(Waters, 2022)

(Health, 2019)

overparenting (think: helicopter parents) can lead to learned helplessness in adulthood. Children who become overly dependent on their parents may develop a fear that they will fail without support. As painful as it can be to watch, children need to go through the routine failures of growing up that teach them to problem-solve, deal with disappointment, and build resilience.
Martin Seligman / Learned helplessness- https://youtu.be/C3a65C4kT-8
occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so.
When kids feel powerless over their situation, they feel they can’t
As adults we can give them strategies while being mindful to scaffold for their developmental needs to change their beliefs from “I can’t” to “I can”.

9 of 38

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?

Learned helplessness (Martin Seligman)

There is a science that shows how we speak to ourselves can impact

our beliefs.

Negativity bias/ powerless → mental health/ depression
Locus of control: how to change belief from “I can’t” to “I can”?
Empower children by providing developmentally appropriate scaffolded strategies

(Lopez-Garrido, 2020)

Negativy Bias coined by Paul Rozin and Edward Poyzman,
overparenting (think: helicopter parents) can lead to learned helplessness in adulthood. Children who become overly dependent on their parents may develop a fear that they will fail without support. As painful as it can be to watch, children need to go through the routine failures of growing up that teach them to problem-solve, deal with disappointment, and build resilience.
Martin Seligman / Learned helplessness- https://youtu.be/C3a65C4kT-8
occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so.
When kids feel powerless over their situation, they feel they can’t
As adults we can give them strategies while being mindful to scaffold for their developmental needs to change their beliefs from “I can’t” to “I can”.

10 of 38

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?

(Savioni, 2019)

11 of 38

Why empower students with the tools to resolve their own conflict?

(Müller-Pinzler et al 2019)

12 of 38

How to use choice theory in supporting students to build relationships and increase self-esteem to manage conflict?

13 of 38

Reality Therapy and Choice Theory were developed as a way to help people take control of, and be responsible for, their behavior.
The basic tenet of Choice Theory is to promote self-control so that individuals can increase their ability to make and act on responsible choices.
Choice Theory endorses the adoption of seven Connecting Relationship Habits that can be used in all your relationships.
When adopted, practicing the concepts from Choice Theory becomes a way of life.

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

(Glasser 1998)

14 of 38

“Connecting” relationship habits	“Deadly” relationship habits
Supporting	Criticizing
Encouraging	Blaming
Listening	Complaining
Accepting	Nagging
Trusting	Threatening
Respecting	Punishing
Negotiating differences	Bribing, Rewarding to Control

William Glasser- Choice Theory

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

15 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Engagement 4

16 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

17 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Mantra- “I am the calm in their storm”

Modeling works. The more we stay calm, the sooner they will learn calm.

Behavior is communication

Their behavior is communicating something. Look beneath the surface to discover it.

Connection before correction

Discipline is more effective if ti’s lead by connection and empathy.

When in doubt, add water

Water heals- Grumpy child? offer them some water.

18 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Kelso’s Choice:

Conflict Management for Children is a powerful and timely tool to build a vital life skill for young people in today’s world.

The program philosophy is simple:

Each child is smart enough and strong enough to resolve conflict. Every child is a peacemaker.

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

19 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Empowers young people with the ability to determine their own behavior,

encouraging an internal locus of control and appropriate problem ownership.

Statements such as “He made me do it!” and “She did it first!” become obsolete

as students become accountable for their own choices.

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

20 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Kelso’s defines Big problems make students feel:

Frightened

Scared

Terrified

alarmed

bullied

threatened

nervous

anxious

panicked

Kids recognize/ refuse/ report or seek adult help

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

21 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Examples of Big Problems

Hurting someone else by intentionally pushing, punching, hitting, kicking or throwing an object
Using deeply insulting language
Writing on the walls or school property
Inappropriate touching.
Doing stunts that could cause injury to self and others.
Exploring in a dangerous place.
Taking money, gifts or rides from strangers.
Illegal substances.
Breaking the never never rules.

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018) &

(Child Protection Unit, Second Step)

22 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Small problems make students feel

Annoyed

Bugged

Bothered

Sad

Hurt

Left out

Lonely

bored

embarrassed

hassled

Students can try two conflict management choices

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

23 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Examples of Small problems K-2

Making noises when you’re trying to work.
Not going “out” after losing a turn at a game.
Pushing in line
Whispering during a movie
Taking too long at the drinking fountain.
Saving a swing.
Taking cuts in line
Not sharing a toy.

Examples of small problems 3-5

Teasing you about having a boy/girlfriend
Cheating at tetherball
passing notes about you
calling you silly names
teasing about your appearance (too tall/ too short)
borrowing school supplies without asking
messing up your desk
using library reference books without sharing

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

24 of 38

What strategies can be used to resolve the conflict?

25 of 38

Start with breathing

remember…

Mantra- “I am the calm in their storm”

Modeling works. The more we stay calm, the sooner they will learn calm.

Behavior is communication

Their behavior is communicating something. Look beneath the surface to discover it.

Connection before correction

Discipline is more effective if it’s lead by connection and empathy.

When in doubt, add water

Water heals- Grumpy child? offer them some water.

26 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

The wheel poster is available in all ES classrooms and also at the playground!
Small problem-> student uses two choices
If they try two choices with the same student and the problem continues, they can seek help from an adult.

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

27 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Steps to supporting students

Breathe
Explain rules of engagement
Validate student feelings first (scale of 1-5..)
If it is a small problem ask students what choices they’ve tried.
If it’s a big problem, support them as needed.
Sometimes small problems turn into big problems because students are still learning how to apply the skill.
Ask students how they feel about resolving the problem (1-5 scale)

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

28 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Talker:

Express feelings first

“I feel ….”

Then describe what happened

“When ….”

And then share need.

“I need …..”

If we don’t share how someone’s actions makes us feel, and what we need from them, how can we expect them to know?

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

Listener:

Repeats

What I heard you say is you feel this way because this happened

Did I get it right?

Express how they felt about what happened, and what they need.

Repair harm (as needed)

I’m sorry for, next time…, I need… can we agree on this?

Talk it out: start with taking a breath…

Everyone: End with emotional check about problem (1-5 scale)

End with high fives; fist bump etc.

29 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Ignore it

Do not ignore the person,
Ignore their behavior.
Be prepared that the behavior might get worse when the ignoring first happens; but with time and consistency it will stop.
Be consistent and predictable with ignoring.

(Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019)

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

30 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Wait and cool off

Kids can share signals that inform their friends’/ teachers that their emotions are heightened and they need to cool off. Ex. Fan signal…

Teach appropriate cool off strategies

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

31 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Walk away

Important to let the person know why you are walking away.

The child needs to be reminded that they need to tell the supervising adult where they will be walking to.

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

32 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Go to another game

We control our thoughts and bodies.

If a child is unhappy with how kids are playing a game, they have the choice to go to another game.

Engage kids: what other games can they play?

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

33 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Make a deal

Does your school have limited resources?
How about students make a deal about how long they can use a particular resource?
Roll a dice
Rock/ Paper/ Scissors
Youngest to oldest
Making a deal makes kids feel they lose a little but they gain a lot (friendship, fun etc.

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

34 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

Apologize

Never force a child to apologize. It can breed resentment and also compromise self-esteem.
Kids can be cued to show empathy by apologizing for how someone expresses the feel; not to agree with why they are feeling that way.

(Kelso’s Choice, 2018)

35 of 38

How to determine what conflicts can be resolved by students and what conflicts will need adult support

(Happy, Kelso’s Wheel, 2015)

Engagement 5 (optional to watch the video)
Scenarios

36 of 38

Questions &

Contact:

Diana Abukazam

dabukazam@aislagos.org

37 of 38

References

Ashjaee, N. & Very Well. (2021, April 5). Common symptoms of learned helplessness in children [Image]. Very Well. https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/I8dURy22_NK8OiSZI6IG32ISEsk=/800x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(webp)/what-is-learned-helplessness-777e1b713f694a48a75750248152b7a4.jpg

Becel Heart Health Makeover. (n.d.). Stuck on an escalator. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://youtu.be/E1bATYGFdY0.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2019, November 5). Tips for ignoring. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/consequences/ignoring-steps.html

Child protection unit: Child abuse prevention: Second step. Child Abuse Prevention | Second Step. (n.d.). Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.secondstep.org/child-protection

Cherry, K. (2020, April 29). Why our brains are hardwired to focus on the negative. Verywell Mind. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618#:~:text=Verywell%20%2F%20Brianna%20Gilmartin-,What%20Is%20the%20Negativity%20Bias%3F,feel%20the%20joy%20of%20praise.

Cherry, K. (2021, April 5). What causes learned helplessness? Verywell Mind. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-learned-helplessness-2795326

Dawson, P. and Guare, R. (2016) The smart but scattered guide to success: How to use your brain’s executive skills to keep up, stay calm, and get organized at work at home.

Glasser, W. (1998). Choice theory: A new psychology of personal freedom.

Happy (Kelso's wheel). YouTube. (2015, December 18). Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://youtu.be/3qfPenv5A5o

38 of 38

References

Health, M. (2019, June 5). Learned helplessness: What it is, how it happens, treatments. MIMA Healthcare. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://mimahealth.com/learned-helplessness-what-how-treatments/

Kelso's Choice. (2018, August 14). About. Kelso's Choice. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://kelsoschoice.com/about/

Lopez-Garrido, G. (2020, September 13). Locus of control. Locus of Control | Simply Psychology. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/locus-of-control.html

Müller-Pinzler, L., Czekalla, N., Mayer, A. V., Stolz, D. S., Gazzola, V., Keysers, C., Paulus, F. M., & Krach, S. (2019, October 8). Negativity-bias in forming beliefs about own abilities. Nature News. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-019-50821-w

Savioni, L., & Triberti, S. (2019 October 18). Cognitive biases in chronic illness and their impact on patients' commitment. Frontiers. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.579455/full

Torphy, T. (n.d.). What is learned helplessness theory? Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://moviecultists.com/what-is-learned-helplessness-theory

Waters, S. (n.d.). Recipe for resilience: Five key ingredients. Recipe for Resilience: Five Key Ingredients. Retrieved April 1, 2022, from https://www.betterup.com/blog/recipe-for-resilience-five-key-ingredients?hsLang=en