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How it is going to go

I am going to give a picture of a car to every player in this game.
The cars probably won’t have anything to do with the players themselves, which is okay.
But they’re going to look cool!

I’ll describe the cars and hype them up a bit, basically like the used car salesman character that I used to play over the headset of Black Ops 2 on the Nuketown 2025 map. Usually the cars would get destroyed, but I still found a way to make some sales. So I guess I’m okay! Not a career path to commit to though, the money isn’t consistent enough with the whole giving cars away thing.

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Things that I could have done, and why I didn’t do them

I thought about writing and singing a song, but I retired from singing for competitions in 2015, shortly after an ill-advised stint in EpicMafia Idol.
I thought about writing and rapping a diss track, but I realized that I would be absolutely nothing compared to the incomparable wit of one Mr. DJ Shanz.
I thought about creating a JibJab for everyone, but I didn’t have pictures of everyone’s face, and it’s pretty difficult to make things like XFire’s spiral Skype avatar and Jpriced’s faceless castle crasher sing in pre-programmed music videos.
I thought about programming a game, but then I remembered that I never did take that game design course during high school and know nothing about game design.
I thought about handing out actual cars instead of pictures of cars. Now THAT is how you make a true alliance. Unfortunately, I’m in college and I use EpicMafia regularly, so these factors mean that I won’t be sending any real cars. Just the pictures!

Call me Oprah Winfrey, because FREE CARS! YOU GET A CAR YOU GET A CAR YOU GET A CAR YOU GET A

Anyways. Cars. Right, okay.

Jeff

Alright, Mr. Outgoing HOH. What we have here for you is a 1963 Volkswagen Beetle. It’s an efficient car, pretty old and not super flashy but if you ignore the fact that it was at one time the starring vehicle of many mediocre Herbie The Love Bug films, it’s a very high-quality car. You’ll definitely get a few looks of some sort while driving this bug around. I’m told that it’s pretty fast, but from the looks of it I’d probably doubt it. You’ll have to try it out for yourself, but I don’t want to imagine what showing up to a racetrack with this thing would look like. Enjoy!

XFire1994

XFire, as surely as you and everyone else will learn while reading this presentation that I know nothing about cars, this 1984 Camaro might be exactly what you might have thought about once when thinking about cars! This car has the added benefit of having a frontside that looks like a face, if you look at it at the right angle. It’s also red! Lots of cool cars are red! Your bank account may be in the red if you had to buy this, but you don’t! The picture is free (I hope)! When I found this car, the website was asking how rare it was, so it must be rare! Also probably has seatbelts, maybe.

coolkidrox123

Roxy, I did a quick Google search of Australian cars and most of them were just Australian versions of American companies, so you’re getting a 2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse. I mean I guess it seems efficient enough, top of the line? Maybe not, but it’s at least on top of the road when you drive it rather than in a ditch. I remember I had a Matchbox car of a Mitsubishi Eclipse as a kid, so if this car stays in better shape than my beaten up Matchbox car ever did you should be golden in driving this silver car. I would’ve had a great gag going there if I found a gold car, but no dice.

Jpriced

Oh, you think you’re getting a British car now? Absolutely not, Jp. What you’re about to get is a 2008 Fiat 500. What’s great about having a really tiny car is that if you’re changing lanes on a road you’ll be able to squeeze into the tighter spaces that the other, larger cars won’t quite be able to get into. While you may think “no person in their right mind would choose a ridiculous car like this”, just remember that you WILL be able to fit into tight spaces on the road. And that makes everything worthwhile, because you’ll get to places slightly faster.

OikawaTooru

Okay Oika, I hope that you’re really into electricity and saving the environment and such things because you’re getting a 2017 Tesla Model 3. Shockingly, this car is not cheap, but it electrifies people with its thunderous positive impact on the environment. I ran out of electricity-related puns right about there, but it’s a car that won’t succ any gas. I know you like cats and anime, so this car does have a back seat where you can place as many cats and animes as you wish. Then your cats and animes will save the environment too! That’s a mission all of Sandbox might maybe get behind.

Vibrage

Alright, Jacob, the time has come to reveal your 2005 Hummer H2. It’s a bigass car that will make you feel big and strong, if that’s what you want to do. There’s no discreet driving in this car, and the thing is shaped ridiculously. But maybe that’s what you need in a car! Something preposterous and ridiculous that is probably really inefficient fuel wise. Plus, you have the added benefit of being the one to insert Hummer into the classic Ford vs. Chevrolet debate. You’ll be the life of the party once you step out of this vehicle*!

*and leave it far, far away from your party

HighSpace

Emile, you’re going to get an Audi RS 6 which seems like a decent enough car that probably has good gas mileage, but I can’t be bothered to check whether that’s actually accurate, so you’ll have to find out for yourself. It IS the only blue car being given away, for whatever that is worth, but if it does look as cool in reality as it does here you’re surely going to enjoy driving the thing around! The headlights also look like just the type that could blind someone on the freeway if you accidentally left your high beams on, so depending on your feelings on blindness that could mean endless fun!

Uprizzle

87.5%

of remaining Sandbox Big Brother players have cars to their name now.

How about that.

Works Cited?

Nah, this isn’t a college presentation. Have a dog instead.