Auction of Horrible Things!!!!!!
Wow! Yay!
Damp Socks
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! This new, innovative clothing technology brings you socks that are almost dry, but never quite get there. Do you want your feet to be perpetually damp? Look no further!
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants CORNSOLIDATED CORN ownership of:
Styrofoam Beads
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! A lifetime subscription to a service that mails you a cardboard box filled with styrofoam beads every month!
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Cod with a Side of Radioactive Vegetables Ownership of:
When2Meet Wall Art
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! This beautiful art is sure to evoke nostalgia. In their thoughtful analysis of schedules seven days a week, fifteen hours a day, five people have found five quarter-hour intervals during which as many as three of them are simultaneously available. Several of these times are between 1am and 3am. This is a true masterpiece of the complex thought invested into the tedium of the era’s clock-overseen lives. While many artifacts of this general type exist, I’m sure you’ll agree that the specimen up for auction here today is beyond outstanding.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Martians for a Livable Climate ownership of:
Amazing
Fracking Rights to Candyland
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win!
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Unlimited Smokestacks LTD ownership of:
Blunt Object
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! Blunt Object, has been known by many names. Also commonly referred to as a sleeping dragon, it can be used to lock oneself to a piece of fossil fuel infrastructure. A simple piece of pvc pipe covered in duct tape, it is most well known from the disgruntled testimony of a Merrimack County Prosecutor, who raised it over his head in zoom court. It has also been known to confuse new police officers, who have timidly asked to remove it from an action site.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Celestial Holding Company LLC ownership of:
Framed Embarrassing Photo
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! An all-inclusive service where we will professionally photograph and frame the most embarrassing moment of your life. Moment already happened? Never fear- our staff has time travel powers!
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Petro Power Energy ownership of:
Too Many Zoom Meetings
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! The feeling when your mom has too many zoom meetings! (Portrayed in this artistic depiction by Ronan)
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Robber Barons, ltd ownership of:
Messy Office
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! A Messy Office! This disorganized space could be yours! More affordable than most housing in New England!
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Infinitely Expanding Bureaucracy ownership of:
Mining Rights to Moria
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Corporate Corporation Incorporated ownership of:
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! there’s many places to make your fortune in middle earth
but there’s only one place to make a fortune worth everybody else’s put together
there’s only source of everybody’s most prized metal! mithril is light as a feather. it’s as hard as dragonscales. make just one mail-shirt of it and entire realms will be yours to purchase.
how? with mining rights to moria, up for auction for the first time ever!
plus, we’ll throw in the existing infrastructure and access to one free Balrog
this kind of opportunity is absolutely to die for! so don’t hesitate—make this day the day of your breakthrough in the Middle-Earth metals industry.
seller disclaims all liability for injury, death, terrifying experiences, and financial loss that may result from this purchase.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
Evidence Bag Purse
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win- is a high-quality evidence bag sourced from the one and only Worcester Police Department. Its number 37 marking is an original, not the work of the auction house. Further, you will note that in the prisoner field is written the name of the infamous Julie Macuga. This evidence bag will be delivered empty--use it as a fashionable purse to store all of your necessary items, or for display as a high art souvenir.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Jail Bologna ownership of:
Lifetime tickets to mayo parking spot
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! Lifetime tickets to the Burlington “Mayo” parking spot, formally used by the Burlington Mayor before he was ousted by an actual jar of mayonnaise.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Martians for a Livable Climate ownership of:
Pack of pre-chewed gum
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win- a pack of used gum, cherry flavored. It has been pre-processed for your enjoyment.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Unlimited Smokestacks ltd ownership of:
Broken Hand Boxing Lessons
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win! Grady, age 13, 8th grade offers: free boxing classes for a kid with a broken hand (he has a broken hand)
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants # of Sheeps and Cactus Conglomerate ownership of:
TP Monster Visits Living Room
No Coal No Gas hereby grants # of Sheeps and Cactus Conglomerate ownership of:
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win!
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
Pug Milk
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win- Pug Milk. Milked specially for you from purebred pugs by a notorious Burlington transphobe.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Martians for a Livable Climate ownership of:
Posh decorative boat
This is to certify that you are the winner of something no one wanted to win- a decorative Row Boat from the lawn of the sandwich shop next to the Posh Spa and Splurge general store, from which No Coal No Gas activists were forcibly ejected in the fall of 2021.
Congratulations from the Auction of Horrible Things.
No Coal No Gas hereby grants Stakes in Corn Consolidated ownership of: