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How good are you at listening?

Why do we make mistakes when listening?
What is said ≠ what is heard, and what is heard ≠ what is understood
Information often contains gaps
We tend to create “closed” or complete figures

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An example:

An older manager discusses working hours with a younger employee.
The manager, who values a fixed routine and starts work early each day, feels frustrated that the younger employee often arrives later in the morning.
The younger employee believes they have done nothing wrong and explains that, although they may start later, they always work into the late afternoon to make up for it.
The manager suggests keeping track of working hours to ensure fairness and clarity.
The employee agrees, on the condition that all team members record their hours in the same way.

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Question:

What assumptions is the manager making about what “working hard” or “being committed” looks like?

What assumptions is the employee making about fairness and flexibility?

How might their different experiences or generations influence their views on working hours?

What unspoken values lie behind each person’s stance (e.g., structure, trust, autonomy, respect)?

Is either of them truly “wrong,” or are they simply seeing the situation from a different perspective?

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What do you see?

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What do you see?

In our perceptions, we tend to fill in incomplete information by forming “closed figures.”

Context strongly influences how we perceive and construct meaning.

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Ladder of Inference

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Recap: Perception

We construct our perceptions.�Or: Perceptions are our constructions.
We have a natural tendency to close open shapes and form or “construct” complete patterns (cf. Gestalt psychology).
Much of the information we receive contains gaps and ambiguities.
There is a risk of filling in these gaps incorrectly – especially during conflicts.�(Be aware of your own assumptions.)
Understanding (and accepting) that perceptions are constructions, not objective facts, is essential for understanding conflicts.

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Common patterns

People often leave out details when sharing information—intentionally or not.

Example: "My new boss is very annoying."

What’s missing?

Context – In what situation?

Location – Where?

Specifics – How exactly?

Comparison – Compared to whom?

Time – When?

Source – Who says so? How do you know?

Exclusion

Statements that apply to everyone, most, or all situations.

Types & Examples:

Overgeneralizations: Everyone, always, never�Has it ever happened otherwise?

Indeterminate terms: Man, we, they, many�Who exactly do you mean?

Group labels: Leaders, Finns, teachers�Do you mean all of them?

Necessity/Opportunity: Should, must, can’t�What if you didn’t? What stops you?

Generalisations

We interpret others’ beliefs through our own worldview, often as distortions:

Missing Source:�“You have to crawl before you walk.” — Who says? What does it mean?

Mind Reading:�“You were probably angry.” — How do you know?

Cause & Effect:�“You bore me.” — How exactly?

False Equivalence:�“The boss yelled, I’ll get fired.” — How does that follow?

Distortions

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Active Listening

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Active listening

Switch to receiving mode: Take in information, listen, don’t speak
Inner visualization (the 'big picture’)
“Active” paraphrasing: Repeat in your own words
Summarise
Listening with empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
Attitude is more important than techniques: Be genuinely interested
The technique is simple – but emotionally difficult

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Active listening

The technique behind active listening is to

show the speaker that you understand what he/she is saying
show that you respect the other person as a person
show that you understand the other party's feelings about the issue

Active listening is to

listen to both the words (the open message) and the feelings (the hidden message)
pay close attention to tone of voice, pauses, and body language
mirror what the other person says
focus on the other person and be genuinely curious
be active, not passive (and avoid distractions or premature judgments)
allow the speaker to talk through the problem and reach their own conclusions without providing solutions
strive to understand the other person's perspective or ‘’map of the world’’
Interpret, not judge
build self-esteem in the speaker

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The negative side of listening

Inadequate listening

Difficulty concentrating
Sleep deprivation
Own thoughts interfere

Judgmental listening

Mentor assesses and evaluates mentee's statements

Interruptions in listening

Respect the mentee's thinking time!

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Listening pitfalls

We often lost sight of the bigger picture when:

We focus too much on the facts and details.
Information is presented as isolated facts, leading to confusion.
We hear what we expect or want to hear.
Emotions take control of the communication.
It becomes difficult to listen to views and opinions that conflict with our own attitudes, values, prejudices, experiences, morals, and expectations.
We hold biases toward the person or the conversation.
Our expectations are negative before the discussion even begins.

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Listening on several levels

Level What is said

- to listen internally

Level The way it is said

- listening very focused

Level Intention of the message

- to listen openly and intuitively

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Active listening exercise

Form pairs.
Partner A speaks for two minutes about a topic of their choice (e.g., a recent work challenge or hobby).
Partner B listens silently - no interruptions, questions, or advice. Use only minimal encouragers like “mm-hmm,” “I see,” and non-verbal cues like nodding.
After two minutes, Partner B paraphrases what they heard, capturing both content and emotion.
Switch roles and repeat.
Reflect together:

How did it feel to be truly listened to?
What did you notice when you couldn’t speak?
What was easy or difficult about paraphrasing?

Purpose: To increase awareness of your listening habits and experience how it feels to give and receive full attention.

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Questioning

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Asking questions (in conflicts)

Prerequisite: Genuine interest

In the issue / conflict resolution
In the other person
In the willingness to be open

Key point: Ask open questions (and listen)�Whenever possible, ask questions that relate directly to the speaker’s ‘story’.

Accept answers regardless of my personal assessment of their truthfulness — do not hastily dismiss them as mere excuses.

My primary interest (in the first step) is in what is contained in the other person’s “mind” (their cognitive maps).�The truthfulness of what’s said can be examined later.

Attitude: Inquisitive curiosity (like an “archaeologist”)�Ask about both factual and emotional aspects.

Don’t react emotionally to cynical or aggressive answers.

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Question dimensions

Questions do not always lead to answers that move the process forward, unless the mentor is aware of how to use different types of questions and questioning techniques.

The right questions in a given context can open up the mentee and stimulate learning, reflection, creativity, clarity, engagement, motivation, and understanding.

When questions are effective and good, the mentee feels that the mentor is genuinely listening and respects their perspective.

The term questioning also includes techniques that are not direct questions but are perceived by the mentee as invitations to speak, elaborate, or reflect further.

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Question techniques

Circular (Open) Questions

Encourage reflection and multiple answers
Explore patterns, connections, actions, emotions
Examples:�What did A do when B said...?�Who agrees most/least?�What would X say?�How would you solve...?�Tell me more about…

Closed questions

Useful to achieve clarity, get confirmation, make choices, limit info, maintain focus

Reflective Questions

Encourage perspective-taking and future thinking
Mobilize change and action
Examples:�What would you advise a colleague with this problem?�If the problem grows, what would you do?�How would you like to...?�What would you do to...?

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Exploratory questions are used to get even more information and to get "down in the funnel”.

Open questions pay particular attention to omissions and non-specific words. Ask specifically – "I feel tired“ ... – How tired?

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Exercise - Ask and reflect

To practice active listening and powerful questioning in a mentoring relationship where generational and life-stage differences may influence how workplace challenges are experienced and communicated.

Phase 1: The mentee describes a real or fictional workplace challenge they’re experiencing. To root the scenario in intergenerational tension, they are briefly assigned one of two roles (these can also be chosen freely by participants):

You feel that your ideas aren’t taken seriously in team meetings. You often propose innovative changes, but senior colleagues push back or ignore them. You're frustrated and unsure whether to persist or hold back.
You’ve led many successful projects, but now feel sidelined. A new, younger team lead seems to favor fast decisions and informal processes, leaving you feeling overlooked and disconnected. You wonder how to re-engage without overstepping.

Phase 2: The mentor asks up to 3 open, reflective questions.

Important: The mentee remains silent, only listening and reflecting during this phase. The goal is not to answer but to notice the emotional and cognitive impact of the questions.

Phase 3: The mentee now speaks again and shares: Which questions resonated most? What shifted in their perspective, if anything? Did anything feel confronting or illuminating?

Phase 4: Switch roles and repeat

Phase 5: Group reflection (15–20 min)

How did the silence during the questioning phase feel? What role did generational perspective play in how issues were shared or heard? What made a question powerful or impactful? How can we use this technique in real-life mentoring moments.

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Goal Setting

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The GROW coaching model

The GROW model helps structure coaching conversations through four progressive stages:

1. Goal: Define the target�2. Reality: Understand the current situation�3. Options: Explore possible actions�4. Will: Decide what to do next and commit

It encourages reflection, accountability, and forward momentum in a coaching relationship.

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The GROW coaching model

The GROW model is a simple yet powerful framework for coaching and problem-solving, helping individuals to clarify goals, explore options, and commit to actionable steps.

GROW stands for:

G – Goal: What do you want to achieve?
R – Reality: What is happening right now?
O – Options: What could you do?
W – Will / Way Forward: What will you do?

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The GROW Coaching Model

1. Goal: Define clear, specific, and measurable outcomes.

Example questions: ‘What do you want to accomplish?’ ‘What does success look like?’

2. Reality: Explore the current situation and obstacles.

Example questions: ‘What’s working well?’ ‘What challenges are you facing?’

3. Options: Brainstorm possible strategies or paths forward.

Example questions: ‘What else could you try?’ ‘What are the pros and cons of each option?’

4. Will / Way Forward: Commit to action and accountability.

Example questions: ‘What will you do first?’ ‘When will you start?’ ‘How will you stay on track?’

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From active listening to action:

A mentor inspires and supports his mentees in achieving their goals, but first the objectives must be defined.
A goal should be clearly and collaboratively stated, motivating and achievable.
SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attractive, Realistic, Time-related)

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Goal setting in practice

According to the SMART model, goals should be:

Specific
Measurable
Attractive
Realistic
Time-related

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Exercise: (Not) so SMART?

Examples:

I want to exercise more often!
We want to improve communication between team members of different generations!
Deliver three training sessions on active listening for senior talent employees by the end of Q3!
We want to become more digital!

Discussion:

What makes a goal “achievable” in your own context?
Which part of SMART is most often overlooked, and why?
How can you help someone rewrite a vague intention into a SMART goal without discouraging them?

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