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Understanding and Advocating for Consensual Non-Monogamy

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You may be familiar with heteronormativity

Heteronormativity refers to the societal expectation that heterosexuality is the norm, while heterosexism refers to the systemic discrimination and prejudice against non-heterosexual individuals and communities.

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Sexual Orientation

Heterosexuality

Bisexuality

Pansexuality

Demisexuality

Homosexuality

Queer

Asexuality

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How Heteronormativity Shows Up

Institutionally

Culturally

Socially

Individually

➻ Homosexuality was medicalized as a psychiatric disorder (until 1974)

➻ Prior to the 2020 Supreme Court ruling, only 28 states protected people from discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and/or gender identity in employment (work), housing and public accommodations

➻ Portrayal of heterosexual couples as the default romantic or sexual relationship in books, media, ads,

➻ Seeing boy/girlfriend or husband/wife as life milestone

➻Political family values "first lady”

➻ Marginalizing or ignoring non-heterosexual relationships

➻ Assuming someone is heterosexual unless they disclose otherwise

➻ Non-heterosexual individuals may experience social exclusion or stigma when their sexual orientation is revealed

➻ Not being open to exploring the sexuality spectrum, need to conform with gendered norms, deriving self-worth from hetero relationship,

➻ Suppress or hide their non-heterosexual desires or identities to avoid stigma or discrimination.

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You may be less familiar with mononormativity

Mononormativity is the societal expectation that monogamy is the normative and preferred relationship style.

Compulsory and incentivized monogamy refers to situations where individuals are coerced or encouraged to participate in monogamous relationships, often due to societal or institutional pressures, rather than personal preference.

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How does mononormativity work?

Rule: you’ll only share romantic and sexual intimacy with one person
Breaking the Rule Has Consequences: Adultery is illegal in 20 states, ranging from fines to 3 years in prison; factor in divorce settlements
Incentivized Monogamy: Most people live in a culture where they’re expected to make this rule a legal contract called marriage

Marriage between more than two people is illegal
Many financial and legal incentives for monogamous couples to marry

Love is a feeling.

Monogamy is a rule.

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The Relationship Escalator

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Relationship Structures

Monogamy

Consensual Non-Monogamy

Polyamory

Open Relationship

Relationship Anarchy

Co-Parenting

Polygamy

Platonic Partner

Chosen Family

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How Mononormativity Shows Up

Institutionally

Culturally

Socially

Individually

➻ Inheritance laws, tax breaks, health insurance, and hospital visitation rights do not extend to partners beyond dyad

➻ Marriage to more than one person is illegal

➻ Widespread legal, workplace, housing discrimination against CNM, especially present in child custody cases

➻ Monogamy is idealized and romanticized

➻ Media portrays monogamy as the most desirable and successful relationship form

➻ Partnership is an expectation for success and happiness.

➻ Marriage as a major life milestone

➻ Valentine's day

➻ Expectation for +1 invitations/ double date (implies 1)

➻ Acceptance and celebration by family/community for dyadic relationships

➻ Those who do not conform may face social stigma, exclusion, and family/community rejection

➻Idea/seeking of "soul mate," "the one," "my better half," etc.

➻Vilification of attraction to others outside of the dyad. The concepts of adultery and cheating.

➻Limits choices for intimate relationships, such as not pursuing more than monogamy due to fear of rejection or discrimination.

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Monogamy in Historical Perspective

For most [90%] of human history, societies were not strictly monogamous
Prior to settler colonialism, most cultures worldwide engaged in some form of non-monogamy

Egalitarian sexual structures where men and women both engaged in sex with multiple partners

Today, many societies worldwide still engage in forms of non-monogamy

Bari of Venezuela - every man who has sex with a woman while pregnant considers himself to be a father and contributes to the child’s development; considered an honor

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Property, Settler Colonialism & Monogamy

Until 20th century, there was no way to determine paternity other than control of women’s reproduction
Law of Primogeniture: property went to first son only if he produced a ‘legitimate’ heir; if not, went to second son – always a priest — and therefore directly to the Catholic (and later Anglican) church
This property system - and the control over women’s reproduction it required - spread via settler colonialism