Love Is Not Abuse: A Teen Dating Abuse Prevention Curriculum

Today we’re going to be talking about Dating and Sexual Violence Prevention using lessons from The Love is Not Abuse Teen Dating Abuse Prevention Curriculum. This is a part of Ohio Senate Bill 288 which requires that students in grades seven through twelve receive developmentally appropriate instruction in dating violence prevention education and sexual violence prevention education, which must include instruction in recognizing dating violence warning signs and characteristics of healthy relationships.

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Due to the nature of the material, this may be a sensitive topic for some students. It is important that you take care of yourself. If you don’t think you can sit through the lesson, you may go to the guidance office. You can also take a break and step outside of the classroom or ask for help privately from your school counselor at anytime.

Student Learning Objectives: Upon completion students will be able to:

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• Define vocabulary related to dating abuse.
• Identify different forms and examples of dating abuse.
• Understand the roles of abuser, victim/survivor and bystander in teen dating abuse.
• Identify characteristics of healthy relationships.
• Describe basic steps that a bystander can take to help someone experiencing dating abuse.

Important Statistics about Teen Dating Violence

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• Research increasingly indicates that much of the violence in teen relationships is mutual, or perpetrated by both partners, though girls face a higher risk of sexual violence than do boys (“Who Perpetrates Teen Dating Violence?,” National Institute of Justice, U.S. Department of Justice).

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• Older adolescents, those who identify as Native North American or Hawaiian/Pacific Islander, and those who identify as LGBTQ+ also experience higher rates of dating violence (Fix, R. L., et al., Journal of Interpersonal Violence, Vol. 37, No. 17–18, 2021).

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Important Statistics About Teen Dating Violence

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• One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds other types of youth violence.

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• Up to 19% of teens experience sexual or physical dating violence and about half of those teens face stalking or harassment.

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• Only 33% of teens who were in a violent relationship ever told anyone about the abuse.

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• Dating abuse affects around 1.5 million teens annually.

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• As many as 65% of teens report being psychologically abused.

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(“Teen Dating Violence” Office of Justice and Delinquency Prevention, US Department of Justice)

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While teen girls are more likely to be victims of stalking in general – which includes offline harassment – teen boys are more likely to be victims of digital abuse. However, the relationship between digital dating abuse, stalking, and intimate partner violence should not be ignored. It’s important to understand the overall statistics on intimate partner violence so we can contextualize the data on digital dating abuse.

What do you think of when you hear the phrase dating abuse?

Teen Dating Abuse Is:

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A pattern of physically, sexually, verbally and/or emotionally, and digitally abusive or controlling behavior in a dating relationship.

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What are some examples of dating abuse behaviors? Consider the different forms dating abuse can take.

Dating Abuse Affects People of all Ethnicities, religions, cultures, genders, sexual orientations and gender identities regardless of their income or the neighborhood they live in.

Dating Abuse is never the fault of the person who is being abused. Nothing this person says, does, believes or wears causes violence or gives anyone the right to hurt them.

What do you think are some of the effects of dating abuse on the person who experiences it?

• Feeling ashamed
• Feeling anxious
• Becoming depressed
• Having thoughts of suicide
• Doing poorly in school
• Losing interest in friends or favorite activities
• Dressing differently, changing hairstyles
• Engaging in self-harm, such as eating disorders or cutting
• Isolation
• Discarding or changing friends

Defining the Roles in Abusive Relationships

Dating abuse involves three key players: a person showing abusive behavior, a victim/survivor and, often, a bystander

As has already been mentioned, many teens report that abusive behavior goes both ways and boys and girls can both be victims and abusers. That’s why it’s important for everyone to learn how to have safe and healthy relationships and how to identify abusive and controlling behavior in themselves and others.

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The Term “Victim” can be stigmatizing and disempowering, so some prefer the word “survivor”. Not all victims are survivors yet, however, so both terms are loaded.

• What does the term victim make you think of?
• How would it feel to be identified as a victim?
• Is there anything useful about the term “victim”? When we hear the word “victim” whom do we think of as being responsible for the abuse?
• How can we avoid thinking of victims as being helpless?

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Bystanders don’t have to be present when violence happens; they simply have to know about it. In addition, some bystanders witness behavior that can lead to dating abuse, such as joking about various forms of dating abuse or making sexist comments.

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What are examples of healthy relationships?

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• Open Communication
• Mutual Respect
• Respect each others Privacy
• Honesty
• Individuality
• Compromise
• Be Supportive
• Anger Control
• Fair Fighting
• Problem Solving
• Understanding
• Self-confidence
• Being a role model

Dating abuse is a serious problem that affects everyone involved, whether they display, experience, witness or know about abusive behaviors. Now that as a class we know a little more about healthy relationships and the problem of dating abuse, in the next few slides we will explore how someone can become trapped in the pattern of violence in dating relationships and what to do to seek help.

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Please Share with your parents the following handout “A Letter to Parents on Teen Dating Abuse”.

Power and Control

• In many abusive dating relationships, physical, emotional and/or sexual violence is not a one-time incident.
• Abuse usually happens again and again and becomes more frequent and severe overtime. .
• However, one incident of dating abuse is one too many.

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The Power and Control Wheel shows the different tactics people who abuse use against victims and that these tactics work together to allow that person to gain control.

Every relationship is different and each one will not necessarily include every spoke on the wheel.

• People impacted by dating abuse often believe that the first incident of abuse is an isolated one that will not occur again.

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• Why might a victim of dating abuse think that way?

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Apologizes and promises that it won’t happen again.

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They feel like they know the person.

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They think they can keep it from happening again.

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• Once an individual has demonstrated abusive behavior toward a partner, they are likely to abuse the partner again.
• As the abuse becomes more severe and occurs more frequently, the victim is likely to become more isolated and fearful,
• They may be afraid for themselves, but also afraid to reach out for help.

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• People who abuse are often extremely jealous of the victim’s friends and family, claiming to love their partner so much that they don’t want anyone else around.
• This kind of possessiveness and jealousy is not a sign of love, but an example of the extreme control that people who abuse seek to have over the partners.
• People who abuse often work to create an “us vs. them” situation between the victim and their friends and family, thereby making it much harder for the victim to reach out to friends and family for help.

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Steps that can be taken to end violence and/or be safer

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• It can be difficult and dangerous for teens to end abusive relationships
• It is not unusual for a couple in an abusive relationship to break up and get back together several times before a victim leaves for good.

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Why might it be hard to leave an abusive relationship?

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• Fear of what would happen if they leave.

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• Fear of others finding out about the abuse.

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• Belief that things will change.

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• Low self esteem

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• Belief that abuse is part of love.

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Even if someone is not ready to leave, there are steps they can take in order to increase safety. What might some of those steps be?

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• Talk to someone that they trust

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• Call police if they feel their in danger

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• Join a support group

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• Save evidence

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Digital Dating Violence is when someone uses digital technology as a weapon to hurt someone else in a dating relationship.

What are some ways a person showing abusive behaviors may use technology against the other person?

• Calling, texting or messaging the person to constantly check up on them.
• Directing threatening calls, texts or emails to friends or family members of the other person.
• Ganging up on the person by having friends send threatening calls, texts or emails.
• Checking the other person’s missed calls, voicemail, texts and emails to see whom they have been community with.
• Calling or sending unwanted emails or texts that are threatening in tone.
• Sending unwanted emails or texts that are sexual in nature.
• Accessing the other person’s social media profiles and posing as them, altering their online profile or deleting friends.
• Stealing or breaking digital devices with the intent to harass or intimidate.
• Using phones to take unwanted photos or videos of the other person and then using those photos/videos as a form of blackmail or intimidations, sharing them with others, etc…

Is sharing passwords common in dating relationships and friendships?

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Let’s brainstorm some ways to handle situations where a partner or friend requests a password that you don’t want to share.

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Are there other ways that someone can access someone else’s accounts when they don’t know the password?

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• Hacking
• Clicking the “forgot password” button and guessing the answer to the secret question.
• Asking mutual friend or sibling that knows the password
• Using a cellphone or other device that the person has asked to “remember” their password.

Even if someone shares their password with a person showing abusive behaviors, they are NOT to blame for the violence, especially considering the additional ways a person showing abusive behaviors could have accessed their account.

“The 20 Questions”

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Most people tend to choose easily guessed passwords.

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Let’s review the “20 Questions” handout.

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How many of you know how your best friend would answer each of these questions?

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If you know your friends could easily answer most of these questions, it is recommended that you change all passwords to something that is both easy to remember and hard to guess

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• Sexting is sending nude, seminude or sexual pictures or vides of yourself or others via cellphone.
• There’s a variety of reasons why someone might share intimate photos which include to attract someone, express love, keep their partner, avoid or delay sex or get revenge.

How Does Sexting Relate to Dating Abuse?

• Using threats to coerce the person into posing for or sending photos/videos.

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• Sending the photo/video(s) to other people to embarrass the victim or using the photo/video(s) as blackmail.

Viewing or possessing nude, semi-nude or sexual images of minors is considered child sexual-abuse material (CSAM). Whether students take the picture, view it or share it, they can be charged

Teens who are targeted for digital dating abuse can take the following steps:

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• Tell an adult if possible. They can help to keep the youth safe as they take action.
• Ask the person showing abusive behavior to stop if they feel they can do so without causing more abuse.
• Block the person showing abusive behaviors from social media and cellphone.
• Contact the school. Many schools are required to address cyberbullying, and all schools are required to address dating abuse. Digital dating abuse usually happens alongside more traditional forms of dating abuse, which may happen at school or affect the victim’s ability to fully access educational opportunities. In addition, some online abuse happens at school.
• Save all communications for evidence, including screenshots, emails and text messages.
• Report the person showing abusive behaviors on related social media sites following each site’s reporting protocols. Keep a record of contact with sites.
• Report the abuse to your internet provider. Since most ISP’s prohibit their services for abuse and harassment, they can often intervene by closing the account. Keep a record of contact with ISP’s.
• Contact the police and share unaltered evidence and specific details of the digital abuse (e.g. dates, times).

If you or someone you know is a victim/survivor of dating and/or sexual violence, please notify a trusted adult. If that is not an option, please use the resources below, which will be included in your take-home packet.

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Genesis House/Safe Harbor of Lorain County

Hotline: (440) 244-1853

www.genesishouseshelter.org

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www.loveisrespect.org (healthy relationship information specifically for young people.

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National Domestic Violence Hotline

1 (800) 799-7233

Text START to 88788

www.thehotline.org

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www.loveisnotabuse.com

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www.breakthecycle.org

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