Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Target audience

Everyone!

Assertiveness training not only will benefit those who view themselves as passive but also those who have anger issues and are aggressive

It will also help coaches formulate plans for their clients.

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Workshop objectives

• Understand assertiveness.
• Train you to practice assertive communication and behaviour in various areas of life.
• Rein in passive as well as aggressive communication
• World Peace

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TOC

• What is assertiveness
• Assertive vs Passive vs Aggressive behaviour
• Cognitive distortions of un-assertive behaviour
• Assertiveness techniques
• Saying “No” assertively. Six different ways
• Dealing with criticism and giving criticism assertively
• Dealing with disappointment assertively
• Giving and receiving compliments assertively
• Putting it all together

Express yourself freely

Version 1.0

What is assertiveness?

Definition: A form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view

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Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive.

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What is assertiveness?

MYTHS ABOUT ASSERTIVENESS

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Assertiveness is basically the same as being aggressive, only polite

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If I am assertive I will automatically get what I want!

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If I am assertive I have to be assertive in every situation

Why lack of assertiveness is a problem?

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• Low self esteem
• Dysfunctional emotions like being
• Anxious
• Resentful
• Guilty
• Stressed
• Social Phobia
• Greater likelihood of substance abuse

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How do we become unassertive?

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• Unassertiveness is a learned behaviour
• We are born assertive! Think babies and children.
• Adapt behaviour to responses received from...
• Family
• Peers
• Work mates
• Authority figures

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How did you become unassertive?

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• How did your family handle conflict?
• What did they do when they disagreed with somebody or were upset with people?
• How did your parents teach you to deal with conflict?
• What were their messages?
• In what ways did you learn to get what you wanted without asking for it directly? (e.g., crying, yelling, making threats etc.)
• Do you still use these ways to get what you want today?

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Don’t blame yourself or your family!!

Threats and unassertive behaviour

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Threats and unassertive behaviour

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What stops us from being assertive?

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• Self defeating beliefs
• It is uncaring, rude and selfish to assert
• It will upset the person and ruin relationships
• It will be terribly embarrassing
• Skill deficit
• Anxiety and stress
• Situation Evaluation
• Cultural and generational influences

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How assertive are you?

Exercise. Rating your assertiveness in different situations: Fill in each cell in the printable form using a scale from 0 to 5. A rating of “0” means you can assert yourself with no problem. A rating of 5 means that you cannot assert yourself at all in this situation.. Once done keep the form safe.

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Saying No!

75%

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Asking for help

83%

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Giving compliments

42%

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Starting conversations

17%

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Thank you.

Next time: Recognising differences in passive, aggressive and assertive behavioural style

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani & Maram Tarabishi

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

02

Recognise difference between Passive, Aggressive and Assertive communication styles.

How will it be done?

Each communication style will be examined in details, starting with the definition. Moving on to Verbal characteristics, non verbal characteristics, thinking style, the payoff and cost. Finally examine some more unassertive thoughts.

Passive Communication

Not expressing honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Therefore, allowing others to violate your rights. Can also mean expressing thoughts and feelings in an apologetic, self-effacing way – so that others easily disregard them.

Violating your own rights.

Also sometimes showing a subtle lack of respect for the other person’s ability to take disappointments, shoulder some responsibility, or handle their own problems.

Passive: Verbal characteristics

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• Long rambling sentences
• Beat-around-the-bush
• Hesitant, filled with pauses
• Frequent throat clearing
• Apologise inappropriately in a soft unsteady voice
• Using phrases such as “if it wouldn’t be too much trouble...”
• Fill in words, e.g., “maybe” , “er”, “um”, “sort of”
• Voice often dull and monotonous
• Tone may be sing-song or whining
• Over-soft or over-warm
• Quiet often dropping away
• Frequent justifications, e.g., “I wouldn’t normally say anything”
• Frequent apologies, e.g., “I’m terribly sorry to bother you..”
• Frequent qualifiers, e.g., “It’s only my opinion” or “I might be wrong”
• Self-dismissal, e.g., “It’s not important” or “It doesn’t really matter”
• Self put-downs, e.g., “I’m useless...hopeless” or “You know me...”

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Passive: Non verbal characteristics

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• Averting gaze
• Looking down
• Posture can be slouched
• Wringing hands
• Winking or laughing when expressing anger
• Covering mouth with hand
• Crossing arms for protection
• Ghost smiles when expressing anger or being criticised
• Raising eyebrows in anticipation
• Jaw trembling
• Lip biting

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Passive: Thinking style and Payoff

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• “I don’t count”
• “My feelings, needs and thoughts are less important than yours”
• “People will think badly of me or not like me”
• “If I say no then I may upset someone, I will be responsible for upsetting them”

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• Praised for being selfless, a good sport
• Rarely blamed if things go wrong because you haven’t usually shown initiative
• Others will protect and look after you
• Avoid, postpone or hide conflict so in short term can lead to reduction of anxiety

Passive: Cost

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• Sometimes prone to build up of stress and anger that can explode in a really aggressive manner
• Others often make unreasonable demands of you
• Can get stuck in relationships that aren’t healthy and find it very difficult to change
• Restrict self into other people’s image of a lovable good person
• When repressing anger and frustration this diminishes other more positive feelings in you
• Loss of self esteem

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Aggressive Communication

You stand up for your personal rights and express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way which is usually inappropriate and always violates the rights of the other person.

People often feel devastated by an encounter with an aggressive person

Superiority is maintained by putting others down.

When threatened you attack.

Aggressive: Verbal characteristics

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• Strident, sarcastic or condescending voice
• Fluent, few hesitations
• Often abrupt, clipped
• Often fast
• Emphasising blaming words
• Firm voice
• Tone sarcastic, cold, harsh
• Voice can be strident, often shouting, rising at end
• Use of threats, e.g., “You’d better watch out” or “If you don’t...”
• Put downs, e.g., “You’ve got to be kidding...” or “Don’t be so stupid”
• Evaluative comments, emphasising concepts such as: should”, “bad”, “ought”
• Sexual / racist remarks
• Boastfulness, e.g., “I haven’t got problems like yours”
• Opinions expressed as fact, e.g., “Nobody want to behave like that” or “That’s a useless way to do it”
• Threatening questions, e.g., “Haven’t you finished that yet?” or “Why on earth did you do it like that?”

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Aggressive: Non verbal characteristics

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• Intruding into the other person’s space
• Staring the other person out
• Gestures such as pointing, fist clenching
• Striding around impatiently
• Leaning forward or over
• Crossing arms (unapproachable)
• Smiling may become sneering
• Scowling when angry
• Jaws set firm

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Aggressive: Thinking style and Payoff

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• “I’ll get you before you have a chance of getting me”
• “I’m out for number one”
• The world is a battle ground and I am out to win”

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• You get others to do your bidding
• Things tend to go your way
• You are less vulnerable
• You like the feeling of being in control
• Release of tension
• You feel powerful

Aggressive: Cost

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• Your behaviour will create enemies and resentment in those around you
• This can result in a sense of paranoia and fear
• If you are always trying to control others it can be difficult for you to relax
• Your relationships will tend to be based on negative emotions and are likely to be unstable
• Aggressive people tend to feel inferior deep down and try to compensate for that by putting others down
• Feelings of guilt and shame
• Decreasing self confidence and self esteem

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Assertive Communication

A way of communicating our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in an open, honest manner without violating the rights of others.

It is an alternative to being aggressive where we abuse other people’s rights, and passive where we abuse our own rights.

Assertive: Verbal characteristics

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• Firm, relaxed voice
• Fluent, few hesitations
• Steady even pace
• Tone is middle range, rich and warm
• Sincere and clear
• Not over-loud or quiet
• Voice appropriately loud for the situation
• “I” statements (“I like”, “I want”, “I don’t like”) that are brief and to the point
• Co-operative phrases, e.g., “What are your thoughts on this”
• Emphatic statements of interest, e.g., “I would like to”
• Distinction between fact and opinion, e.g., “My experience is different”
• Suggestions without “shoulds” or “oughts” e.g., “How about...” or “Would you like to...”
• Constructive criticism without blame, e.g., “I feel irritated when you interrupt me”
• Seeking others opinions, e.g., “How does this fit in with your ideas”
• Willingness to explore other solutions, e.g., “How can we get around this problem?”

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Assertive: Non verbal characteristics

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• Receptive listening
• Direct eye contact without staring
• Erect, balanced, open body stance
• Open hand movements
• Smiling when pleased
• Frowning when angry
• Features steady
• Jaw relaxed

Assertive: Thinking style and Payoff

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“I won’t allow you to take advantage of me and I won’t attack you for being who you are”

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• The more you stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect, the higher your self esteem
• Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly
• Expressing yourself directly at the time means that resentment doesn’t build up
• If you are less driven by the needs of self-protection and less preoccupied with self consciousness then you can see, hear and love others more easily

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Assertive: Cost

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• Friends / family may have benefited from you being passive and may sabotage your new assertiveness
• You are reshaping beliefs and values you have held since childhood and this can be frightening
• There is no guarantee of outcome
• There is often pain involved in being assertive

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Even though we have moved on from experiences we may not have updated our thinking.

Some unassertive thoughts!

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• I shouldn’t say how I’m really feeling or thinking because I don’t want to burden others with my problems.
• If I assert myself I will upset the other person and ruin our relationship
• It will be terribly embarrassing if I say what I think
• If someone says “no” to my request it is because they don’t like or love me
• I shouldn’t have to say what I need or how I feel: people close to me should already know
• It is uncaring, rude and selfish to say what you want
• I have no right to change my mind; neither has anyone else
• It will all work out in the end, and anyway it’s not my fault
• People should keep their feelings to themselves
• If I express that I am feeling anxious people will think I am weak and ridicule me or take advantage of me.
• If I accept compliments from someone it will mean I am big headed.

Your unassertive thoughts

Take a minute and see if you can identify any more unassertive beliefs that you have. Write them down. In later sessions we will deal with each one of them

Thank you.

Next time: Our assertive rights, techniques to start changing our beliefs

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

03

Learn about our assertive rights, Learn about tools to start changing our beliefs. The two major tools which allow application of all our learnings in these series of workshops are the “Thought Diary” and “Behavioural Experiments”��We will see how to set them up and use them

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Our Assertive Rights

Many of the ideas now associated with assertiveness training were first proposed in Manuel J. Smith’s book “When I say No I feel Guilty” published in 1975. This book outlined a ten-point “bill of assertive rights”.

Our Assertive Rights

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• You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
• You have the right to say “no”.
• You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.
• You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.
• You have the right to change your mind.
• You have the right to disagree with someone’s opinion.
• You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
• You have the right to say, 'I don't know'.
• You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
• You have the right to say, 'I don't understand'.
• You have the right to say, 'I don't care'.

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An important part of these rights is that they come linked with responsibilities.

How to change our beliefs?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Thought Diary

Behavioural Experiments

Use the ABC model. Identify beliefs, Dispute them. Come up with more effective belief.

Write it all down and work your way through your unhelpful situations, emotions, behaviours and thoughts

When just writing and working is not enough. We setup behavioural experiments to test out our hypotheses

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Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

1. Activating events
2. Belief about the event
3. Consequences
4. Disputation
5. Effective belief
6. Functional behaviour

Thought Diary

It can be difficult to challenge your thoughts in your head as it is hard to remember all the information and it can get messy and confusing. The best way is to write it all down. To help you through this process we have a Thought Diary for Unassertive Thoughts.

Thought Diary

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• Identify the situation
• My friend said “No” to go shopping with me
• Identify your emotions
• What emotions am I feeling?
• How intense are they?
• Notice physical responses
• What did I do?
• Identify type of behaviour
• Identify your thoughts
• What was I thinking?
• What was running through my head
• Which is the strongest thought?

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Thought Diary

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• How much do you believe this thought? (0-100)
• Are these passive, assertive or aggressive thoughts?
• Disputation using Socratic questions
• Is there any evidence that my thought is true?
• Is there any evidence that my thought is not true?
• Am I ignoring my rights or the rights of my friend? If yes, what?
• Could there be an alternate interpretation of the situation?
• What would be a more assertive way to think about this?
• What would be a more assertive way to behave?
• Re-rate the original emotion.
• Re-rate the belief in original thought

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Behavioural Experiments

Thought Diary can help us change our beliefs about a situation. Sometimes however it is hard for us to shift our beliefs when all we are doing is writing down our thoughts. We might see that it makes sense logically but feel inside that nothing has really changed.

What may be more useful in this situation is to do a Behavioural Experiment to test out the thoughts and beliefs.

Behavioural Experiments

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1. Identify the prediction
2. Identify my unhelpful behaviours
3. Identify a more realistic prediction
4. Identify my helpful behaviours and set up my experiment
5. Carry out the experiment
6. Evaluate the results

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Thank you.

Next time: Types of assertive techniques. Saying “No” assertively.

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

04

Assertiveness Techniques - In this lesson we introduce some general assertiveness techniques. These techniques can be used across a wide range of situations.

Practicing assertiveness techniques

• Begin practising them in a neutral situation. By this we mean one where your emotions aren’t too strong.
• Then as you become more skilled you can begin using them in more difficult or emotional situations.
• The first time you try these techniques they may not go the way you planned.
• It is important you don’t beat yourself up about this but look at what went wrong and how you might do it differently next time.
• And then have another go! Over time you will find that they get easier.

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Warning! Remember the Non-verbal components

Basic Assertion

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• Clearly express our needs, wants, beliefs, opinions or feelings
• Typically uses “I” statements
• “I need to be away by 5 o'clock"
• "I feel pleased with the way the issue has been resolved"
• Also, for praise, information, or when raising an issue
• "I haven't thought about that before, I'd like time to think about your idea."
• “I thought your presentation was really good”.
• "The cost will be $2,000"
• Be specific, Avoid padding, keep it simple
• “I” statement shows you are taking responsibility of yourself

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Empathic Assertion

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• Other person involved in the situation that may not fit your needs
• You want to indicate that you are aware of and sensitive to their position
• "I appreciate that you don't like the new procedure, and, until it’s changed, I'd like you to keep working on it."
• "I know you're busy at the moment, John, and I'd like to make a request of you."
• "I recognise that it's difficult to be precise on costs, and,I need a rough estimate."
• Useful for preventing your overreaction and aggression
• Watch out for passive aggression in guise of empathic assertion

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Consequence assertion

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• Strongest form of assertion and a last resort behaviour
• Used where someone has not considered rights of others
• Work situation - guidelines and procedures not followed
• Inform the person the consequences for them of not changing
• Can be seen as aggressive, be very careful of the non-verbal signals you use.
• Calm voice, even pitch and volume
• Keep good eye contact
• Keep body and face relaxed

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Consequence assertion

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• "If you continue to withhold the information, I am left with no option, but to bring in the production director. I'd prefer not to."
• "I'm not prepared, John, to let any of my staff cooperate with yours on the project, unless you give them access to the same facilities that your people have."
• "If this occurs again, I'm left with no alternative, but to apply the formal disciplinary procedure. I'd prefer not to."

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Discrepancy Assertion

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• Works by pointing out a discrepancy between what has been agreed upon and what is happening
• Useful for clarifying misunderstanding, contradictions and behaviour mismatch
• "As I understand it, we agreed that Project A was top priority. Now you're asking me to give more time to Project B. I'd like to clarify which is now the priority."
• "Paul, on the one hand you are saying that you want to improve cooperation between our departments, but on the other hand you make statements about us that make it difficult for us to cooperate. I agree that we can improve the situation, so I'd like to talk about that."

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Negative feelings assertion

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• Negative feelings assertion is used when you are experiencing very negative feelings towards another person - anger, resentment, hurt and so on. In a controlled and calm way you draw attention to the undesirable affect another person's behaviour is having on you. This allows you to deal with the feelings without making an uncontrolled outburst, and alerts the other person to the effects of their actions on you.
• It has four steps
• Describe other’s behavior
• Describe impact of that behaviour on you
• Describe your feelings
• State preferred alternate future behaviour

Negative feelings assertion

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• “When you come home late, without telling me before, I worry that something is wrong and I feel angry. I would really appreciate it if you could ring and let me know beforehand.”
• "When you continually interrupt me when I'm working on the balance sheets, it means I have to start all over again. I'm feeling irritated by this, so I would prefer you to wait until I have finished."

Broken Record

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• Children are experts
• Prepare what you are wanting to say
• Repeat it as many times as needed
• Useful in dealing with clever, articulate people
• Stick to your prepared lines
• Maintain steady comment, avoiding irrelevant logic or argumentative bait
• Good technique for saying NO!

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Broken Record

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• Kate: Can I borrow $20 from you?
• Dave: I can’t lend you any money. I’ve run out.
• Kate: I’ll pay you back as soon as I can. I need it desperately. You are my friend aren’t you?
• Dave: I can’t lend you any money.
• Kate: I would do the same for you. You won’t miss $20.
• Dave: I am your friend but I can’t lend you any money. I’ve run out.

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Technique Escalation

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• Combine broken record with other techniques to escalate your assertions
• Always begin with mildest stance, sequentially getting more and more assertive
• Avoid jumping in with heaviest consequence stance - that is a threat not assertion
• Basic
• Empathetic
• Consequence

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Thank you.

Next time: Saying “No” assertively.

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani

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It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

05

Many people have great difficulty saying “No” to others. Even people who are quite assertive in other situations may find themselves saying “Yes” to things that they really don’t want to do.

Learn to say “No” assertively

Effects of not being able to say “No”

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• Can breed resentment and anger towards the person you said yes to.
• You become frustrated and disappointed
• You become overworked
• You become stressed.
• Long term anxiety and depression

Unhelpful beliefs about saying “No”

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• Saying “no” is rude and aggressive.
• Saying “no” is unkind, uncaring and selfish.
• Saying “no” will hurt and upset others and make them feel rejected.
• If I say “no” to somebody they won’t like me anymore.
• Other’s needs are more important than mine.
• I should always try and please others and be helpful.
• Saying “no” over little things is small minded and petty.

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Helpful beliefs about saying “No”

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• Other people have the right to ask and I have the right to refuse.
• When you say “no” you are refusing a request, not rejecting a person.
• When we say “yes” to one thing we are actually saying “no” to something else. We always have a choice and we are constantly making choices.
• People who have difficulty saying no usually overestimate the difficulty that the other person will have in accepting the refusal. We are not trusting that they can cope with hearing “no”. By expressing our feelings openly and honestly, it actually liberates the other person to express their feelings. By saying “no” to somebody it allows them to say “no” to your requests while still being able to ask for further requests.

How to behave when saying “No”

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• Be straightforward and honest but not rude so that you can make the point effectively.
• As a rule keep it brief.
• Tell the person if you are finding it difficult
• Be polite – say something like “thank you for asking...”
• Speak slowly with warmth otherwise “no” may sound abrupt.
• Don’t apologise and give elaborate reasons for saying “no”. It is your right to say no if you don’t want to do things.
• Remember that it is better in the long run to be truthful than breed resentment and bitterness within yourself.
• When saying “no” take responsibility for it. Don’t blame or make excuses. Change “I can’t” to “I don’t want to”.

Ways of saying “No”

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• Direct “No”
• Reflecting “No”
• Reasoned “No”
• Raincheck “No”
• Enquiring “No”
• Broken record “No”

Thank you.

Next time: Dealing with criticism.

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

06

Criticism. All of us have been criticised at some point in our lives. Being able to accept criticism assertively is one of the most important tasks we face on our journey to maturity.

Learn to face criticism assertively, not feeling bogged down, ashamed or angry.

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Types of criticism

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• Constructive criticism
• Genuine feedback
• Helpful and non-threatening
• Typically valid
• Destructive criticism
• Not valid
• Not helpful
• Designed to embarass or hurt

Why we respond the way we do?

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• Our experiences with criticism as a child
• Never criticised - devastated as adults
• Constructive criticism - cope well as adults
• Destructive criticism - see it as hurtful and rejecting
• Often our whole person is criticised - “You are stupid!”

How do you respond criticism

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• Becoming confused
• Becoming defensive
• Acting silly
• Ignoring it and hurting inside
• Internalizing anger & stewing over it
• Retaliating with anger and blame
• Shutting down
• Withdrawing
• Running away

How do you respond criticism

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• Passive responses to criticism
• Aggressive responses to criticism
• Assertive responses to criticism

Unhelpful beliefs about criticism

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• If I am criticised it means I am stupid.
• They criticised me, they mustn’t like me anymore.
• They are right, I did get it wrong, I can’t do anything right. I’m a failure.
• I can’t criticise them because then they won’t like me.
• How dare they tell me I’ve done something wrong. They have no right.
• They’re an idiot anyway. I’m not going to listen to them.
• If I criticize myself more and make it a joke then no-one will know I am hurt

More helpful thinking

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• If there is something wrong with what I’ve done it doesn’t mean anything about me as a person. I need to separate the behaviour from me.
• What can I learn from this criticism? Most criticism is probably based, at least in part, on some truths. Criticism may appear negative. But, through criticism we have the opportunity to learn and improve from their suggestions. Always ask yourself “What can I learn?”
• I have the right to let someone know if their behaviour has hurt, irritated or upset me.
• Giving direct feedback can be loving and helpful.

Dealing with constructive criticism

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• Accept the criticism
• Negative assertion
• Negative inquiry

Dealing with destructive criticism

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• Disagree with the criticism
• Negative assertion
• Fogging aka Clouding aka Defusion
• Agree in part,
• Agree in probability or
• Agree in principle.
• Respond to the words not the tone
• Don’t respond immediately

Giving constructive criticism

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• Time and place
• Describe behaviour rather than labelling person
• Describe our feelings using “I” statements without blaming
• Ask for specific change
• Specify the negative and positive consequences
• Be realistic about the change suggested
• Ask the person how they feel about the changes suggested
• Try and end on a positive note.

Thank you.

Next time: Dealing with disappointment.

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani & Maram Tarabishi

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

07

Being Disappointed. It would be impossible to get through life without being disappointed about something. Disappointment occurs when we have an expectation or desire about how we want something to turn out and it doesn’t go the way we wanted.

Learn to cope with Disappointment!

How do you cope with disappointment?

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• Sulking
• Anger at the thing / person that you see as cause of disappointment. This can include being angry at yourself.
• Depression
• Wanting revenge
• Giving up
• Self-criticism

Unhelpful beliefs about disappointment

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• They should know I don’t like it when they do that.
• The world is terrible, I can’t bear this.
• That person is bad.
• I can’t accept that person for being like that.
• I can’t tolerate this.

More helpful thinking

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• It is undesirable to be treated unfairly, but it is not awful.
• I can stand this hurt and frustration and I can do something about the situation.
• I accept how the other person is. They may have been rejecting one aspect of my behaviour not me as a whole person.
• It is best to openly express my feelings; the consequences may not be as bad as I think.

Thank you.

Next time: Giving and receiving compliments

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

08

Some people find it extremely difficult to accept compliments. Understandably there are times when it may feel uncomfortable; however, being able to accept other people’s positive comments about our appearance, our work or some other aspect of ourselves is an important assertiveness and social skill.

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How do you cope with receiving compliments?

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• Ignoring the compliment and changing the topic.
• Disagreeing with the compliment or some part of the compliment. For example: “really, I don’t like the colour of the dress at all.”
• Dismissing or deflecting the compliment. For example “oh, this old thing, it’s nothing special.”
• Being sarcastic. For example “Yeah right, it’s just gorgeous isn’t it?”
• Nervous laughing or smiling
• Self-criticism

Unhelpful beliefs about compliments

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• They don’t really mean it. They are just trying to be nice.
• They are being smarmy.
• They must want something from me.
• If I accept a compliment it means I am being big-headed.
• If I accept a compliment they may think I am vain.
• It’s too embarrassing to say something back.

More helpful thinking

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• The compliment may be genuine.
• Even if they are just trying to be nice that is still a positive thing and I can reply appropriately.
• If I don’t accept the compliment I may make the other person feel awkward.
• Accepting the compliment may make the other person feel better too.
• Accepting a compliment gracefully doesn’t mean I have to agree with it completely.
• If I start believing some compliments I may not feel so bad about myself.
• Accepting a compliment does not mean that I am going to become big-headed. If that were the case I would already be complimenting myself!
• People give compliments for a variety of reasons. Don’t waste a lot of time wondering why someone gave you a compliment. Just appreciate the fact that someone took the time to say something nice to you!
• You are just as entitled to receive a compliment as anyone else.

Responding to compliments assertively

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• Look at the other person. Sit or stand up straight.
• Listen to what he or she is saying.
• Smile when receiving the compliment.
• Don’t interrupt.
• Say “Thanks,” or something that shows you appreciate what was said.
• Remember to accept the compliment without trying to take the subject off yourself or feeling like you have to pay them back. This will make you feel more confident and let you grow to like yourself better.
• You can use the compliment to further the conversation.

Giving compliments

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• Think up the exact words
• Be specific on what you are complimenting
• Mean what you say
• Don’t over do it
• Smile and be enthusiastic
• Be appropriate
• Ask a question with your compliment.

Thank you.

Next time: Putting it all together

Assertiveness Training

Dr. Tarique Sani

It’s who you are!

Version 1.0

Session Objectives

09

Let us see how we can put it all together.

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Be Assertive!

Assertiveness Hierarchy

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• Write upto 10 situations where you would want to be assertive
• The food you ordered is cold or overcooked?
• Someone is smoking in a non-smoking section?
• You want to ask a friend to return some money they borrowed from you?
• Everybody leaves the washing up to you?
• You are irritated by a habit in someone you love?�
• Rate each of the task between “0” to “100”
• Based on the rating you can further rank each of the tasks between 1 (easiest) to 10 (hardest)

Identify and Change Unhelpful Thinking

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• Use a “Thought Diary”
• “If I keep telling the kids to do their chores they will get annoyed at me and might not like me or think I am a good mum”.
• Alternate Thought
• “All kids get annoyed at their mum sometimes, it doesn’t mean they don’t like them. It is important for the kids to learn how to do chores. To be a good mum sometimes I will have to get the kids to do things they don’t like. They may thank me for that later.”
• At times alternate thought is enough to enable doing the task at hand

Identify and Change Unhelpful Behaviour

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• Set up “Behaviour Experiments”
• “Apologise to the kids, buy them lollies or fast food”.
• Alternate Behaviour
• “Just ask the kids to do the chore without apologising, praise them verbally rather than buying them something.”

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Thank you.

Next time: Practice makes permanent