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Developing the skills of emotional literacy

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What parents want most for their children

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What the staff want most for their students

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What the senior leadership of ESF want most for the students

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Seligman’s results

“Happiness,” “Confidence,” “Contentment,” “Fulfillment,” “Balance,” “Good stuff,” “Kindness,” “Health,” “Satisfaction,” “Love,” “Being civilized,” “Meaning,” "wellbeing."

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Emotional

Literacy

Knowing

emotions

Managing

emotions

Self-

motivation

Empathy

Handling relationships

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Emotions affect:

how you think
what you pay attention to
the evaluations you make of the world
what you consider important and valuable
how you makes decisions and judgements
your identity and self concepts
your relationships

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The development of the brain

self control

3 years

concentration and language abilities

6 years

peer relationships and synaptic pruning

9 years

self-

competence

12 years

abstract thought

15 years

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A Teenagers’ Brain

Importance of emotions
Lack of planning
Peer relationships
Stress sensitivity

The frontal lobes help us to plan, consider, control impulses, make wise judgements - be kind, caring, considerate. It is the last bit to mature.

Teenagers’ brains are set for emotions, fighting, running away and romance, but not for planning, controlling impulses and forward thinking. They do not think of the consequences.

The brain is more active in the emotional part of the brain than the planning part. They learn better when there is emotion involved.

They also need more help with planning and organising than you would think possible.

Peer relationships are incredibly important - more so than adults. They look for differences and they emulate each other.

Adolescents are more prone to stress than adults. They see negative experiences MORE negatively and they have less control - contributes to a sense of helplessness.

https://andrewfuller.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Dont-waste-your-breath-an-introduction-to-the-adolescent-brain.pdf

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Positive emotions build...

… psychological resources

Resilience

Openness

Self awareness

mindfulness

Accepting

Optimism

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Positive emotions build….

..physical and social resources.

Reduces stress hormone

Increases growth hormones.

Social connections

Enhances immune system

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Our emotional palette

The seven universal expressions

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We avoid negative emotions because

They are unpleasant
They are associated with a loss of control
They have social costs.

How do we manage our children’s emotions?

We avoid negative emotions because they are unpleasant, associated with a lack of control and have social costs.

How do we manage our children’s emotions what messages do we give them?

Studies show that we will avoid negative emotions and given a choice to increase positive or decrease negative we will choose to decrease negative first.

Dr Hi Po Bobo Lau (HK)

Asked people to assign a price tag ( between $ 2 and 200) to indicate how much they were prepared to pay to increase or avoid an emotional feeling. These are some of the results:

$83 to avoid fear.

$106 to avoid regret

$44 to gain tranquility.

People underestimate their ability to tolerate levels of distress and tend to want to avoid them. Whereas they overestimate the impact of positive feelings and inaccurately predict levels of happiness based on decisions or new situations

We are encouraged to remain positive ‘ look for the silver lining’ ‘look on the bright side of life’

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Managing children’s emotions

Over protection can impact on self-esteem and resilience.

Encouraging suppression can lead to greater emotional issues later on.

As parents it pains us to see our kids in pain ― so we want to protect them from negative emotions such as frustration, irritation, failure, sadness, disappointment etc. But in fact when we hasten to clear obstacles from their way or to soothe away their upset too strongly, we’re sending some dangerous messages:

We’re saying we don’t think they can handle what the world throws at them, that they can’t hack their own feelings ― something which can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We’re also saying we think negative emotions are to be avoided at all costs ― which encourages our children to stuff them down.

Freud taught us that negative emotions don’t go away, they simply resurface in ever more challenging ways ― and most modern psychologists agree. Emotions need to be expressed in order to be released. In fact, many psychologists consider the ability to express negative emotions in a healthy way as the cornerstone of mental health. And this is something our children can practice from birth.

As we said ― when we’re down, the only healthy way to feel better is to move through a negative emotion ― to ride the wave of it, if you will. Sitting with the emotion, learning it, accepting it and reaping its lessons, rather than stuffing it down.

But when we ourselves have such a fixated agenda on our children’s happiness it can be so tempting to deny their less-than-happy states. So what can we do to help them move through emotions and come out, healthier, on the other side?

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“O.K. Just this once…………………….”

COMFORT ADDICTION

results in lower immunity to negative experiences

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Wholeness and Emotional Agility

Draw from all emotions, not just the positive ones.

Don’t avoid negative emotions:

They are valid and important. Take the negative out of them by minimising their effect.

Negative events can be more powerful than positive events. They can have more far reaching consequences - emotionally, socially, culturally.

People who can adapt to the roller coaster of life the ones that can utilise their negative and positive emotions cope better in the long run. Those that are willing to shift between positive and negative are likely to get the best results. For example grinning a bearing it when someone has pushed into a cue may only serve to frustrate us further where as stating how we feel defending our emotional state and adapting to the situation will alert people to try harder to rectify the situation.

We tend to crave comfort and avoid pain by watching tv, facebook, unwinding with a glass of wine.

Avoiding negative emotions will not make us happier but we do have more coping strategies to help us manage negative emotions.

Jonathan Adler and Hal Hershfield and the science behind successful psychotherapy looked at 47 adults being tested for anxiety and depression, and wanted to know what happened before a client’s problems resolve, before their quality of life improves, before they start liking themselves. Not a simple case of just willing and creating more positive moments, success in therapy happens when people start to become comfortable experiencing mixed emotions, and showing the capacity to experience both which showed the greatest gains in well-being.

The study also showed that experiencing more positive emotions did not lead to improving a person’s emotional agility.

Healthy emotional scripts are developed when we maximise the positive and inhibit the effect of the negative - not bottling it up but metabolising it.

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When the red mist, of anger, descends..

Ways to help children manage their anger.
Identifying feelings.
Scaling.

Dealing with an angry child

Anger is a normal and useful emotion. It can tell children when things are not fair or right.

But anger can become a problem if a child's angry behaviour becomes out of control or aggressive.

Why is your child so angry?

There are lots of reasons why your child may seem more angry than other children, including:

seeing other family members arguing or being angry with each other

friendship problems

being bullied

struggling with schoolwork or exams

feeling very stressed, anxious or fearful about something

coping with hormone changes during puberty

It may not be obvious to you or your child why they're feeling angry. If that's the case, it's important to help them work out what might be causing their anger.

Tackle anger together

Team up with your child to help them deal with their anger. This way, you let your child know that the anger is the problem, not them.

With younger children, this can be fun and creative. Give anger a name and try drawing it – for example, anger can be a volcano that eventually explodes.

How you respond to anger can influence how your child responds to anger. Making it something you tackle together can help you both.

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Help your child spot the signs of anger

Draw your feelings.

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Scaling

Useful to help explore emotions or for when a situation is stuck.
Useful for setting goals, targets.
Useful for reflecting on and celebrating successes.

MCS

Many parents find their teenager's behaviour challenging.

Teenagers' behaviour can be baffling, stressful, hurtful and often worrying. But in most cases it doesn't mean that there is anything more serious going on than the natural process of becoming an adult.

Many of the common behaviour issues that parents find hard are an essential part of puberty and growing up.

Surges of hormones, combined with body changes, struggling to find an identity, pressures from friends and a developing sense of independence, mean the teenage years are a confusing time for your child.

It can mean that they, for example, become aloof, want more time alone or with friends, feel misunderstood, reject your attempts to talk or show affection, or appear sullen and moody.

Your feelings about your teen’s behaviour

Teenagers can challenge even the calmest of parents. When you have further pressures in your life, such as other children, work, relationships, family commitments or illness, it can feel as though your teenager is going to push you over the edge.

Try to step back from the situation, and remember that they have physiological reasons for behaving in ways that can be difficult to live with. They’re probably not enjoying it either.

You’re the adult, and it is your responsibility to guide them through the difficult times. Don’t expect to enjoy your time with them all of the time, and remember to look after yourself.

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“On a scale of 1-10 which one are you?”

“So you’re feeling a 3 tell me more about it?”

“What would a 5 look like?

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“I don’t know” “If you did know what number would it be?”

“Wow you’re a 4! How have you managed to stay as a 4?”

“What would 1 more look like?”

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Scaling questions

So what is it that you are doing that means you are a ….and not a 1?
What has helped you get from 0 to where you are now?
What score would you have given yourself last year?
What has happened to make the score different now?
What are you doing differently?
Where on the scale represents good enough for you? The point you would settle for?
You said you are on a ….., what would tell you that you are on a …..?
What will you be doing differently/more of?
What will you be doing that will tell others that you have moved up one?
What would others notice? Other students? Parents? Tutor?
Where is the highest you’ve ever been on the scale?
What was happening that meant you were at …?

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Moira Conroy-Stocker

English Schools Foundation

13 October 2017

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Top tips

Accept your child’s emotions rather than their behaviour.

Label your own emotions and help them to label theirs.

Develop your child’s emotional vocabulary

Encourage them to talk about their feelings.

Help them to see how others may be feeling.

Teach them to calm down.

Teach them how to express their frustrations.

Provide opportunities for independent problem solving.

Top tips for helping your child develop emotional literacy

Accept your child’s emotions and their emotional responses. Listen to what they say, and avoid judgement or criticism. Name the emotion for them and say things like: ‘Oh, that sounds really frustrating,’ or, ‘How lovely, I can tell how excited you are.’
Label their emotions with them. Expand emotional vocabulary from “happy” and “sad”. Doing so helps children feel understood. For example, say, ‘You sound upset,’ or, ‘You look worried.’
Encourage your child to talk about their feelings. Discuss feelings related to daily events, demonstrating and modelling. Create an environment where it’s safe to talk openly about feelings and emotions free from judgement, criticism or finger-pointing. Say things like: ‘You sound really fed up. Shall we have a chat?’ and, ‘How did that make you feel?’
Help them to recognise the signs about how others may be feeling. In stories, books or TV programmes, ask open-ended questions to help your child step into the shoes of a character or person. Say, ‘How do you think that made him feel?’ or, ‘How would you feel if that happened to you?’
Teach them how to calm down and press their imaginary ‘pause button’. Encourage them to take three deep breaths and say a simple mantra of, ‘I can feel calm inside.’ After that, encourage them to go and do something they find calming and relaxing.
Teach children alternative ways of expressing their frustrations. Ask your child an open-ended, empowering question to help them feel that they have choices. For example, say, ‘How could you explain how you feel using your words rather than hitting?’ or ‘Can you think of a different way to let him know how angry you are?’ Model how to remain calm and in control when you are tired, angry or fed up. Say, ‘I’ve had a tough day at work – can we talk about this later when I’ve had a chance to relax?’
Provide opportunities for independent problem solving. Encourage your child rather than praise them: focus on celebrating the behaviour and effort, not just the result. Say things like, ‘I’ve noticed that when things get difficult you just keep trying – that’s fantastic’. If there is a problem at school, first ask what steps children might take to help themselves. Generate ideas, think about the consequences and choose the best plan together.

https://www.parentkind.org.uk/blog/8719/Helping-children-develop-emotional-literacy

https://www.studenthealth.gov.hk/english/resources/resources_bl/files/lf_ph_ei.pdf

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Top tips (continued)

Be positive provide positive feedback no matter how small - praise efforts.

Learn to regulate yourself - if you are triggered by your children’s emotions you will not be able to hold a safe space for them to work through things.

Provide healthy outlets for emotional expression - mindfulness, art, talking it out, physical activity.

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Top tips for teens

Decide on a boundary and stick to it

Listen when they talk - don’t interrupt.

Allow them to learn from their mistakes - as long as they are safe.

Accept they might do things differently to us.

Always talk about your concerns in as calm a way as possible.

Allow them their own space and privacy.