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A Conversation

on

in Relationships

Thriving

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A Conversation

on

in Relationships

Thriving

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What impacts your relationships the most?

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How many hours do you spend investing in close relationships (family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage) a day?

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How many hours do you spend investing in yourself a day?

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Out of the hours you spend investing in yourself, which of the following is that time most focused on?

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Relationship with Self

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Relationship with Self

Culture’s idea of self care vs. truly investing in yourself

Avoidance of uncomfortable circumstances

I’m most important

Something deserved

Self Care defined by culture:

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Relationship with Self

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy,

and my burden is light.” -Jesus in

Matthew 11:28-30

Self Care defined by Scripture:

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Where I’m From: Eryn’s Story

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Where I’m From: Kurstie’s Story

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Autonomy

(Ha, McGill, Otten, Dishion)

“Relationships with parents are main predictors for the development and quality of romantic relationships.”

Anxiety

Attachment

Transition: Thanks Kurstie and Eryn for sharing your story, if we are honest with ourselves we all have been impacted by our families, so we want to share a few things to get you thinking about how your family has influenced you as an individual.

Start with Addressing the survey

“Relationships with parents are main predictors for the development and quality of romantic relationships” (Ha, McGill, Otten,
Dishion)
With this being said we want to acknowledge that this does not negate the influence of siblings or other primary caregivers. *tie back to Kursties siblings
Individuals tend to repeat the interpersonal bx and communication patterns they observe or experience in their parents relationships and within other family relationships (4)

Anxiety

Excessive emotional distance : anxiety increases due to fear of rejection and abandonment. Family members then attempt to reduce the anxiety by seeking increased togetherness.

Excessive togetherness = anxiety increases over fears of loss of autonomy. Anxiety over such closeness prompts family member to extent the emotional distance from each other.

With understanding this, we can conclude that anxiety is a mechanism used to monitor and manage emotional distance in the family.

Autonomy

Explain how autonomy is different from independence

Autonomy is ____

Autonomy: Where you can see a situation in your family and think ‘I want to be different from that and I will’ but still recognizing the influence of the family pattern on yourself.

We think of autonomy as the ability to see the aspects of your family that you agree with and disagree with and move forward with that in your romantic relationship.

Emotional Autonomy: able to seek their own solutions rather than relying on parents or peers to provide emotional support

Behavioral Autonomy: the ability to make decisions and follow through with actions—without simply following along or copying the decision-making styles of parents or peers.

Values Based Autonomy: making decisions based on a personal value system comprised of individuals attitudes and beliefs in spiritual, political, and moral choices.

Attachment

Definition?

Bowlby, the first individual to outline attachment theory, believed that attachment characterized human experience from "the cradle to the grave." (Simpson &Rholes, 2017)
By this we mean that you are not stuck in your attachment style but that attachment will influence you throughout your whole life.

Secure vs Non-Secure -Seigel

Secure- creates flexibility, self understanding, and ease of connection with others; offers a safe harbor of support to turn to when we are distressed or tired as it is about supporting how we go out and explore the world (Seigel, pg.142)

Non- Secure- can be due to high avoidance and high anxiety, which challenges ones flexibility, self understanding, and ease of connection with others

The attachment system is terminated (turned off) when individuals experience a sufficient reduction in fear, anxiety, or distress. When sufficient security is not achieved, however, the system remains partially or fully activated. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4845754/

As individuals develop, they amass a mental record of their success at obtaining sufficient proximity/comfort from their attachment figures, beginning with their parents and continuing with close friends and romantic partners. These mental representations, termed working models [1,2], have two components: (1) a model of significant others (e.g., parents, close friends, romantic partners), which includes their responsiveness to one’s bids for proximity/comfortable in prior interactions, and (2) a model of the self, which includes information about the self’s ability to get sufficient proximity/comfort and one’s worth as a relationship partner. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4845754/

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“Illusion of Inclusion”

Why do we share?

Heard but not seen

Oversharing

Identity

Illusion of Inclusion- when people are online they are searching for connection and a sense of belonging although that outlet will never be enough to fulfill those desires. We have elevated our online presence and friends over our real relationships. We think we have mastered technology but we are slaves to it. Every like and comment we get makes us feel great for a brief moment until we realize we are isolated from the community God has given us and then we end up craving more connection

Why do we share?

One reason is that most people want their voice to be heard, and technology is an easy way to do that without having face-to-face interaction. If you’re anything like me being the center of attention can be terrifying. Social media and texting is an easy way out
Another reason is that when we are in those times when we feel disconnected from our friends and family and we feel alone, we reach out for help by oversharing. This can happen by posting several pictures on Instagram or FB, or blowing up our twitter feed with a bunch of random nonsense…
Personal Story - Caitlin

Identity- Technology lacks authenticity and vulnerability. We scroll through pictures of happy couples and seemingly perfect lives. We often ask ourselves, “what’s wrong with us?”. We think we are the only with horrible days, but this another illusion that technology gives us. The illusion of perfection is dangerous because it makes people feel discontentment with themselves and their relationships because we are seeing unrealistic standards. We are shaped by what we consume. People will use technology to give us the good bits of their life and leave out the emotion. Because emotions are messy, and no one wants to see that.

Hyper-connectivity is the “availability of people for communication anywhere and anytime” (Quan-Haase and Wellman 2005:285). There is an overwhelming amount of potential presence college students have by being hyperconnected.

Substituting face-to-face communication with technological communication is associated with greater peer aggression, relationship anxiety, and existential anxiety. (Cyr, B.-A., Berman, S., & Smith, M., 2015)

Air traffic controller = you can’t control a lot of things, but you can control what you consume

TFB(D)AR: Thoughts -> Feelings -> Beliefs -> (Decisions) -> Actions -> Results

2 Corinthians 10:5; Phil 4:8

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“I understand now that I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often—because I’m paying attention.’”

Glennon Doyle Melton

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Break Time

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Reactions

The Fear Cycle

Buttons

Insignificant
Failure
Unheard

Joe’s

Kurstie’s

Unappreciated
Failure
Loss of Control

Minimize
Defensive
Shut down

Catastrophize
Nags
Takes Control

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How do you break the fear cycle?

Have a couple people up there to talk about breaking it along with Kurstie and Joe (audience engagement)- where do you break it?

-You are going to experience pain and emotions- it’s how we deal with it (lean into emotion- acknowledge it)

-- buttons: fear vs. love

How do they drive reactions?

-We are often quick to point a finger at the other person

-When you stop looking at the other person you are able to see what you really WANT

Baylee

Break It: (Typical responses vs helpful things)

So some of you may be thinking… this is great and all, but how do you break?

“You might be thinking, yeah, when I fight with my loved one I feel like “oh here we go again”

Raise your hand if you think THIS is where you break it

We don’t premeditate our reactions (explain what that looks like for me, sarcasm)

Care for self (Connect Head to Heart )

“Is it really about me or them?” (their defensiveness causes me to…) This does hurt

its about influence not cause, the other person does not cause you to do anything.

We don’t premeditate our reactions (explain what that looks like)

Boundaries (tend to your own yard) / privacy fence

So you might be thinking.. can we call them out for their stuff?

-what’s our purpose in doing that?

- are we tending to our own stuff?

-Can I tell you what it’s like to be me in this?

We can’t hear truth from our significant other if we feel like they’re in worse shape than we are

We don’t say “Who’s struggling more than I am? THAT’s who I want to go to for help when I’m hurting?”

How do you break it?

Typical responses (use example of argument with parents)

Focus on reactions

If they would stop that, i would stop this…
We get stuck on what we are seeing

Their reactions really do hurt
But what are we forgetting when we focus on reactions? Their emotions

So what’s wrong with this blame game? We don’t stop to recognize our influence

It’s called the fear cycle because these buttons are really coming from a place of fear

But lets think about it… when’s the last time you were able to stop yourself from feeling something? Never, right? Something happens that pushes that button, and you feel it in your gut like that

What else is here that we haven’t recognized yet? It’s our wants, right?

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Reactions

The Fear Cycle

Buttons

Insignificant
Failure
Unheard

Joe’s

Kurstie’s

Unappreciated
Failure
Loss of Control

Minimize
Defensive
Shut down

Catastrophize
Nags
Takes Control

Kurstie’s Wants:

Cared For
Stability
Seen/Appreciated

Joe’s Wants:

Heard
Significant
Valued

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Jessi’s Story

Keep your eyes open for spiritual danger; stand true to the

Lord; act like men; be strong; and whatever you do, do it with kindness and love.

1 Corinthians 16: 13-14

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Emotional Communication

Vulnerability/Self-Disclosure

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Avoid “You” statements

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Empathy and the Power of Presence

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Tending to Your Own Yard

Boundaries

“A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options.”

(Cloud, 1992)

What is life-giving for me?

Positive Boundaries are about keeping in the things that are life-giving, not just about protecting from the outside

Give examples-- what’s lifegiving for me that I want to protect? (health, time, intimacy with God, etc)

Replacing unhealthy with healthy: Put on the fruit of the spirit

Baylee:

We want to give you all something that can get very practical in its application, not only your relationship with yourself, but also your relationship with others

What’s difficult about creating boundaries?

Sometimes they’re difficult to measure
They can change as we move through life
They can be seen as “rules”/ negative connotation
Busyness/stress

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options.” Henry Cloud

----

“. . . more about honoring the things that give us life,

rather than defending against the things that don’t. “

Joe:

Talk about what boundaries look like to me in my relationship with Kurstie (dating and marriage)

Couple vs individual boundaries

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Thank you!