How insecurities make families, church, society implode!

Restoring society starting at Home

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INSECURITIES

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• Many people act inappropriately
• They are not comfortable in their own skin
• They compensate for shortcomings in their own lives and do things that they themselves actually would not want to do and others find strange

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• Result: Their children suffer, their colleagues do not know them and misunderstandings follow; conflict occurs in marriage as insecurities clash!

EXAMPLES IN BIBLE:�

• King Saul (1 Sam 13)
• Prov 30:21-23
• King Herod
• Diotrephes (3 John verse 9)

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PROV 30:21-23 (THE LIVING BIBLE)

• There are 3..no 4 things that make the earth tremble:
• A slave who becomes a king
• A rebel who prospers
• A bitter woman when she finally marries
• A servant girl who marries her mistress’ husband

Where do Insecurities come from?

Insecurities caused by

Mother and Father wounds

result in…

….inappropriate behavior

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Father impact

Mother impact

1. Establishing Moral Authority

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• Conferring Identity

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• Providing Emotional Security

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• Affirming potential

1. Validating Father

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• Imparting Intimacy

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• Providing care/nurturing

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• Maintaining social network

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• Making Home

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DEFICIENCIES WHEN PEOPLE LIVE WITH INSECURITIES:

1. Leaders struggle to trust and connect with people emotionally…from a mother wound early in life.

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• Leaders feel they are not good enough .... from a father wound not affirming their potential well enough.

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• People are aggressively defensive when criticized ...from a father wound who did not help them to understand their value and uniqueness.

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DEFICIENCIES WHEN PEOPLE LIVE WITH INSECURITIES:

4. Pastors love their titles too much …. Because their fathers did not impart them with a sound self-worth concept between 6-8 years.

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5. Pastors can preach but not do disciple making because they grew up with mother deprivation when mothers left them at home too early to follow their careers.

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6. Spouses are distanced from each other because of a clash of father and mother wounds.

OTHER SIGNS OF INSECURITIES:

• Want to prove themselves
• Self-justification
• Finds security in material possessions
• ‘People pleasers’
• Indulgence or addictions
• Condemnatory or paternalistic

• Self-pity
• Can not deal with critique/discipline
• Seek insatiably for recognition (orphan spirit)
• Jealous
• Racism
• Floating in life
• FALSE SELF-CONCEPT

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INSECURITIES CAUSED BY FATHER AND MOTHER DEPRIVATION� REFLECT IN OUR FALSE SELF-CONCEPTS

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Where does

the

False Self

come from?

FALSE SELF VS TRUE SELF

RICHARD ROHR

“Our false self is who we think we are.

It is our mental self-image and social agreement,

which most people spend their whole lives living up to

– or down to.”

FALSE SELF TRUE SELF

• The concocted belief/programming that I am inferior, incapable and rejected and that I now have to build my identity on what I have, what I do and on what others will think of me.

• The created/recreated intended expression of God; understanding that I am the beloved, uniquely and sufficiently gifted to reign on earth as the representative of heaven.

Current Self

False Self

True Self

INSECURITIES!

• The biggest reason for unhealthy marriages
• The biggest reason for bad leadership
• The biggest reason for personal dissatisfaction.
• The biggest reason why people do not ‘get over’ their problems

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The reason for our leadership crisis!

NOW IT’S TIME TO ASSESS IF YOU CARRY SYMPTOMS OF A MOTHER WOUND OR A FATHER WOUND

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MOTHER WOUND INSECURITIES

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NEGLECT OF IMPARTATION OF INTIMACY

• I struggle with opening up emotionally
• When people come to close to me emotionally I pull back
• I often feel lonely as if I am on an island
• I withdraw to a lonely place to get space between me and others
• I stand at the door of people’s lives but seldom enter into the inner chambers emotionally
• I show signs of an orphan spirit, feeling I do not belong

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NEGLECT OF NURTURE AND CARE FROM MOTHER

• I have serious bouts of fear
• I feel lonely in my pain
• I do not heed any-one else to share my pain with
• I react with strong emotions when I feel my spouse is not sensitive about my feelings

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NEGLECT OF SOCIAL GUIDANCE

• I am ignorant of the lives/intricacies of others around me
• I struggle to think and function broader than my own world
• I score low on emotional intelligence when it comes to being connected to the emotions of others
• I score low on emotional intelligence when it comes to managing the emotions of other

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NEGLECT OF DEMONSTRATION OF VALIDATION

• I struggle with the supporting of others
• I struggle to play second fiddle
• I struggle with submission
• I struggle with moving others to support a cause that is not my initiative

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FATHER WOUND INSECURITIES

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NEGLECT OF MORAL AUTHORITY

• I have a need for knowing between right and wrong
• No-one showed me how to lead
• I do not know absolute norms
• I cannot apply delayed gratification (I want it now)
• I struggle to stand under authority
• I want to do things my way

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NEGLECT OF CONFERRING IDENTITY

• I do not know where I belong / fit (orphan spirit)
• I do not know my unique significance
• I am plagued by insecurities
• My work becomes my identity
• I do not know who I am; I have identity confusion
• I mask my real self (Adopting a different identity that will be accepted)
• I am aggressively defensive when criticized

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NEGLECT OF PROVIDING EMOTIONAL SECURITY

• I feel I probably deserve nothing
• I can never get enough attention/care; I have attention addiction
• I support the underdog
• I do not know my real feelings
• I try to earn respect/love by trying to prove that I am good enough

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NEGLECT OF AFFIRMATION

• I do not feel I have any contribution to make
• Compliments are observed with suspicion
• I always feel uncertain
• I always question myself
• I try to impress people all the time
• I struggle with immaturity

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HEALING OF OUR WOUNDS

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TO RESTORE THE DAMAGE OF THE PAST

• STOP playing the blame game
• Justifying yourself is the opposite of moving forward in vulnerable dependance.
• If we don’t own our failures, we can’t correct them.
• A wrong reaction to a transgression is just as bad.

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• STOP playing the shame game
• Self-pity is destructive; it enslaves, not liberates.
• Playing victim doesn’t set us free or serve anyone.
• To own the problem we need to step towards the solution, not towards the self-pity spa.

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GOD PREFERS VICTORY OVER HEALING

2 Cor 12: 7-10

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FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR

1. Own
2. Forgive
3. Inner Victory
4. Walk Together

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FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR

1. OWN the problem
2. Cut the root by Forgiveness
3. Get inner victory by the exchanging of the lie (evil intended disposition) with the Biblical Truth
4. Journey with an accountability structure

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A. OWN THE PROBLEM

• You have to identify the wound
• You have to acknowledge that you have a father wound.
• Name the wound.
• Name the unfulfilled need by stating it verbally.
• Face the facts about the impact of the wound.

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B. FORGIVE THE PERSON

Forgiveness is not a weak surrender. It is a strong act of writing off the debt of someone else and deciding to pay the price yourself (swing from “you owe me” towards “I owe you”).

Take authority over any negative spiritual impact your father wound could have caused in your life and over any power or habit that may hinder you to conquer your wound.

Discard undue expectations of your father.

Apply forgiveness.

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C. STEP INTO INNER VICTORY

• Allow God to have the only right to make you happy or sad.
• Accept that God has chosen your parents for you to prepare you for what he wants to do through you.
• Decide to capture all thoughts and make them obedient to Christ (change negative thoughts into positive) – 2 Cor 10:5.

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INNER VICTORY

Feeling + Lie = Conviction

Exchange Lie with Truth

Act on the Truth!

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C. STEP INTO INNER VICTORY

Exchange has four steps:

• Say how the father wound makes you feel.
• Say what you normally would say/do when you feel like that. What is your downward spiralling destructive pain cycle? (The conviction you carry because of Satan’s lie)
• Say what the Biblical truth is about you.
• Say what your action will be because of this Biblical truth.

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C. STEP INTO INNER VICTORY

• Find actions that connect with your new patterns of thought and practice them until they become habits.
• Know this is a journey of repetitive healing episodes.
• Ask for the control of the Spirit over your life so that the flesh can be combatted.
• Identify behavior and thoughts in yourself that inhibit your own growth and work actively to change that with the support of a mentor or accountability partner.

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THE SINS OF THE FATHERS…� EXODUS 20:5, 34:7;

• The sins of the parents create a predisposition, not a destiny.
• You can choose to have a positive attitude, to be aware of your dispositions, evaluate them and choose to eliminate them.

“I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU LIFE AND DEATH, �BLESSING AND CURSING, THEREFORE CHOOSE LIFE, �THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR DESCENDANTS MAY LIVE”� �DEUT. 30:19 �

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D. WALK TOGETHER

• Many people don’t experience total restoration because they are so individualized.

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• Churches help many to personal commitments, but the process of discipleship, which means “practising Jesus together,” is not followed through.

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THE TABLE OF SUPPORT

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D. WALK TOGETHER

1. Fight against pride or self-pity and ask someone to keep you accountable.
2. Set your mind to use your healing wounds as a healing balm for the wounds of others.
3. Spend time in healthy relationships with older men (mentors) that could model fatherhood to you.
4. Become the father you never had. Life-coach other fathers into authentic fatherhood.

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