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Overview of Domestic Violence

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Who We Are

The YWCA Center for Safety and Empowerment, formerly the Battered Women Task Force, provides FREE and CONFIDENTIAL services to victims of domestic and sexual violence, stalking, and human trafficking in Shawnee, Jackson, Wabaunsee and Brown Counties in Kansas.

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What We Do

Services include:

24-Hour Toll-Free Hotline: (888) 822-2983
Text Hotline: YWCANEKS to 847-411
Emergency Safe Shelter
Court Advocacy
Medical Advocacy
Crisis and Individual Counseling
Support Groups
Safety Planning
Case Management
Food and Hygiene Product Pantry
Drop-In Day Center
Public Education and Training

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According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million people. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that more than 1 in 3 women, 1 in 6 men and 1 in 2 transgender and gender non-binary people will experience rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner. That is like filling up Arrowhead Stadium 130 separate times.

Unfortunately, we (as individuals, as a community, and as a society) don't always treat domestic violence like it is a big deal, or take into account the impact it can have on a person, their life, and their world.

We all probably have been directly or indirectly impacted by domestic violence or we know someone who has. The fact is, domestic violence is a big deal and a public health issue that creates long-term effects of physical, social, emotional, mental, and financial well-being.

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Learning about the dynamics of domestic violence and resources available to victim-survivors is crucial because it is very likely that you may be the first line of response for a survivor of domestic violence. We know that survivors are more likely to disclose to a friend, family member, co-worker, teacher, counselor, or faith leader before they access help from a community service agency, such as a hospital, law enforcement center or advocacy agency, if they ever access a service of that kind. Knowing the prevalence of domestic violence, the likelihood is great that you know someone who has experienced or currently is experiencing some form of gender-based violence. Being knowledgeable of resources available in your community and being better prepared to respond will help you feel more comfortable and empowered when faced with a disclosure.

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Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish and maintain power and control over someone through means of isolation, manipulation, fear, and intimidation. .

Domestic violence can occur in intimate and former intimate partner relationships. Intimate relationships include current or former spouses, partners, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends, gay, lesbian and heterosexual couples, cis-gender and transgender couples, inter-sex and bi-sexual individuals, family members, those who share a child together, those who reside together (including roommates), and those who provide services to dependent persons. If you have someone you are working with who you think may fit into this definition and could benefit from our services, go ahead and refer them to us for a screening.

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NOT AN ISSUE OF…

Genetics
Communication Problems between individuals
Money
An Abuser’s Lack of Control
Behavior of the Victim/Survivor
Problems in the Relationship
Low Self-Esteem on the Part of the Abuser
Anger management
Mental illness
Substance abuse

We often hear of these misconceptions from service providers and community members who just don't fully understand the complex dynamics of domestic violence. We also hear other misconceptions, such as events like the Super Bowl or holidays increasing events of domestic violence because of stress, tension, increased anxiety, unmet expectations, financial burdens, and family relationship strains.

On the surface, these explanations might even seem to make a little bit of sense. However, the problem with these explanations is that they perpetuate myths around domestic violence. For instance, alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one. Abusiveness and addiction are two distinct problems, requiring separate solutions. And when people think that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. There are plenty of people that experience anger that doesn’t lead to abuse. The only way an abuser can overcome their abusiveness is to address their abusiveness.

*CLICK* BUSTING MYTHS

These things absolutely may complicate a situation and make an abusive relationship more complex, they may impact a survivor’s overall safety and elevate their danger level, may be used as a tactic to gain and maintain power and control, may be used to justify or minimize the abuse, and may be an aspect of why they stay or do not leave a relationship, but they are not the root cause of domestic violence. Claiming that these things cause domestic violence shifts all of the blame away from the abuser, which can be dangerous and misses the point that domestic violence is about one person exerting power and control over another person. Abusers are abusive, regardless of the time of year or other external factors.

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Different Motives of Those Who Batter

Survival-Based: commonly abusive when the relationship approaches an end/has ended

Type I: fewer meaningful relationships, unable to imagine life without their partner
Type II: need to maintain the “perfect image,” narcissistic tendencies
Concern of suicide-homicide

Entitlement-Based: holds beliefs of superiority and privilege; batters to punish

Material Motivation: gain access to material assets, do not exhibit jealousy, may have a criminal history, more likely to sex traffick partner

Sadistic-Based: uses cruelty as a form of pleasure, calculated and cunning, does not show red flags while dating, pleasured by fooling others

Citation: Steve and Dorthy Stucky-Halley of Family Peace Initiative and Halley Counseling Services, P.A.

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What we know is that domestic violence is rooted in power and control. This power and control wheelis a particularly helpful tool in understanding the different tactics and the overall pattern of abusive and violent behaviors, which are used by an abuser to establish and maintain control over their victim. Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it’s still unhealthy and can make someone feels physically unsafe. Interpersonal violence is much more than physical abuse, and very often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of other types of abuse. Often, it is difficult to identify the various forms of abuse, particularly when they are indirect or not as obvious as physical violence, yet these tactics are collectively used to firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.

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Cycle of Violence

The Cycle of Violence theory was created by Lenore Walker. Abuse in an intimate relationship most often occurs in patterns that can sometimes become predictive to the survivor. Survivors become aware of the warning signs and find themselves "walking on eggshells" at those times or doing things to help mitigate the effects of the abuse.

LOVE BOMBING: they shower you with an excess of love, affection, flattery and appreciation to gain trust and rapport to build the relationship

INITIAL HONEYMOON STAGE – first 6 months when the love bombing continues. They do everything to maintain trust and create heavy dependence through love and validation.

On average, survivors go through this cycle 7-8 times before they leave. We will talk more about that soon!

While some survivors may experience a cycle of violence in their relationships, other survivors may not. Additionally, the cycle does not look the same for every survivor. When victims experience a cycle of violence and when they are experiencing power and control in their relationships, it impacts the wiring in their brain, which also impacts their thinking, judgement, and behavior. Let’s talk a little about that…

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STAGES IN A VICTIMS’/SURVIVORS’ EXPERIENCE

Minimization and Denial

Importance of Lethality Assessment

Self-Blame

Importance of Validation

Seeking Help

Importance of Ensuring They Know About Services Available to Them

Ambivalence/Barriers

Importance of Empowerment

Living without Violence

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Let’s talk about how domestic violence impacts our brain mapping. Based on information we have, things we have learned, things we have witnessed and past experiences, our brain creates maps – mapping some things to safety and some things to danger. For instance, we might map dogs to safety and wolves to danger. This is a survival mechanism in our brain so that when we are faced with a wolf or a threat or a danger, we are quicker to take action that will help protect us and keep us safe. It is survival instinct.

Another example, we map strangers to danger, and we map people we love, trust, know, care about (family, friends, significant others) to safety. But when we are talking specifically about domestic violence, the perpetrator is someone we know and have a relationship with…someone we care about, love, share memories, things and a family with. So, when one of these people does something to hurt us, it causes confusion in our brain because we were taught that these people are safe, that they are not dangerous, and now, I do not know what to do or how to respond so I am going to shut down. I am going to stay. I am not going to fight back. I am not going to call the police. I am not going to scream. I am going to justify. I am going to please and appease. I am going to tend and befriend. I am going to find something that I did wrong to cause this behavior because I AM CONFUSED. Most often, bonding and attachment will override our threat until we re-map that person to danger, which takes having multiple threatening experiences with that person.

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To think about this concept in another way, let’s pretend you are on a walk and you see a bear in the woods. Your brain would automatically see that bear as a threat because of what we know about bears, just like how our brains would respond to sharks because of what we know about sharks. It will recognize that we have to take action quickly if we want to survive, and it will dump a bunch of chemicals into our bodies so we can act quickly to survive. This is a very primitive functioning of our brain which has evolved so we can survive threats in our environment.

During an experience of trauma, our bodies take any action it can as a way to protect us from potential harm. The response our bodies have depends on how severe we PERCIEVE the threat to be, how much power we have to take action, and our past responses to trauma.

This is great when you see a bear in the woods, but what about when the bear comes home every night? Or sleeps in your bed? Or attends classes with you? Or is at your family Thanksgiving dinner? Or is someone you care about?

When someone is constantly exposed to the their perceived threat stimulus or is constantly in and out of trauma, their “fear center” is constantly alerted, and their stress hormones are constantly elevated. Trauma impacts our body like a car that is constantly revving and accelerating its engine. It exhausts our system faster. This long-term can have significant mental, emotional, and physical effects. It will make it harder for them to utilize their normal coping mechanisms, it’ll make it more difficult to have a sense of control over themselves and their environment, it’ll make it harder to maintain their connection with others. It will impact their brains, their bodies, their perceptions and their behaviors over and over and over again, which will compound their trauma.

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Trauma like domestic violence can physically change the brain. When it comes to intimate partner violence, it is important to talk about a phenomenon that we “trauma-bonding." This occurs when a certain hormone is released during a traumatic experience causing that sensation of good feeling and connection, causing a survivor for to become bonded to their abuser or perpetrator. We know that abusers use tactics of fear and violence along with times of care and kindness to create trauma bonds. Through these cycles of abuse and trauma, our brains release that hormone to help our bodies cope, to help mitigate and alleviate the physical and emotional harm being done. But with the release of these chemicals, our brains also form good feelings, connection, and attachment to the person causing the harm. These bonds are then reinforced by the periods of love, care, and affection that occur throughout the exploitation and abuse.

When someone we have a bond or attachment to does something to hurt us, it causes confusion in our brain because we were taught that these people are safe, that they are not dangerous, and now, I do not know what to do or how to respond so I am going to shut down. I am going to stay. I am not going to fight back. I am not going to call the police. I am not going to scream. I am going to justify. I am going to please and appease. I am going to tend and befriend. I am going to find something that I did wrong to cause this behavior because I AM CONFUSED. Most often, bonding and attachment will override our threat until we re-map that person to danger, which takes having multiple threatening experiences with that person.

These intense ups and downs in a an unhealthy, abusive, or exploitative relationship and the constant release of oxytocin and the with-holding then sharp increase of dopamine can cause a survivor's brain to almost become addicted to the high highs and the low lows and associate this cycle with love. The fights, the break-ups, the extreme events bring a survivor closer, even if it comes at the expense of their own wants, needs, mental health and safety.

Trauma bonding, in addition to many other factors, is why survivors stay with their abuser, why they do not leave. If we do not understand how trauma can impact a person's brain, then we will not understand the victim’s behavior, which can cause us to jump to incorrect, harmful, and damaging conclusions.

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Why do you stay? Why don't you just leave? These are some of the most common responses to the issue of domestic violence, and it is something we hear all the time. Sometimes, even the survivor does not have a true understanding of why they stay.

But when this question comes up, we have to think to ourselves, what is really being asked of the survivor? It is being asked that they take responsibility and accountability for someone else’s behavior to stop the abuse and violence. Remember, survivors do not have control over the abuser’s choices and decisions and are often made powerless in the relationship.

In this video, we will hear directly from survivors on why they stayed and the complex and dangerous dynamics that played into their experience of abuse that made it unsafe to leave. This video is emotional and discusses real stories of domestic violence. Please practice self-care as we play this video.

Play video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU50HksugZk

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These are some of the reasons we heard from the survivors in the previous video, but this is certainly not an exhaustive list. Survivors of violence face many barriers to accessing resources and safety. We also have to take into consideration that survivors of color and survivors within marginalized populations experience disproportionate experiences of violence and increased barriers in seeking help. These barriers include fear of criminal justice systems; lack of a financial safety nets; religious and cultural barriers; fear of deportation; lack of awareness or knowledge of the legal system; lack of adequate childcare services; lack of low-cost housing options; and skepticism of social service institutions.

A lack of job stability, unemployment, the nation’s history of segregation, and the strain of navigating racism help to explain some of the factors leading to high rates of intimate partner violence (IPV) in communities of color. They also help to explain why women and families of color, who are more likely to live in poverty, have fewer resources available to help them leave violent situations or to seek care for the violence they have suffered.

Instead of focusing on why survivors stay, we should be asking why that person batterers or hurts someone else. Only then, can we truly address the root causes to the epidemic of domestic violence.

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A really informative and thought-provoking article on this topic is called “What Your True Crime Podcast Is Missing” by Amanda Kippert in 2022 from domesticshelters.org

(https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/what-your-true-crime-podcast-is-missing)

Ginger McPhee, executive director if Chrysalis House Association in Nova Scotia, Canada and podcast host for “Somebody Must Say These Things” says in the article, “Anytime a woman is murdered, the first thing the media does is interview a neighbor or a buddy at work to talk about how he [the perpetrator] was such a good guy. People have this perception that, if he was an abuser, he’d be a bad guy. But abusers are charming and charismatic. You don’t get to see the duality,” END QUOTE

Often true crime podcasts don’t take into account what occurred before the murder. �“Could those victims have been saved if we’d seen the signs earlier?”, Kippert writes

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So how can we respond to disclosures of violence and abuse in a way that is free of shame and blame. First, we can offer the individual words of support and solidarity.

1.) Solidarity begins with listening and believing. One of the most crucial things we can do is hold space and listen to understand, not to respond or “fix” the situation. Trauma can be isolating. Telling the person that you believe them and that they are not alone can be a powerful way to show your support.

2.) The second asking how you can help. With the survivor’s permission and following their lead, you could offer practical assistance. It is all about giving the survivor back their autonomy and control that was taken from them. They do not have control over the abuse or the trauma they have experienced, but they do have control over their healing moving forward.

3.) And the third component is to connect them with resources, reassuring the survivor that it is possible to reestablish concern over their life and that they have choices. This is where referral is essential and information should be repeated. Let them know that when and if they are ready, that there is help available.

Very rarely can you talk someone out of their pain; however, being heard helps being hurt. Acknowledging the pain, the trauma, the injustice and the experience by listening and holding space.

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QUESTIONS?

Rachel Grollmes (she/her)

Public Education Coordinator

rachelg@ywcaneks.org

(785) 233-1750 ext. 316

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Northeast Kansas

225 SW 12^th Street�Topeka, Kansas 66612

PHONE: 1.888.822.2983

WEB: www.ywcaneks.org

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, or recommendations expressed in this publication, program, or exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor.