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Be There — Golden Rule #3: Hear Them Out

Home > Resources > Be There For Others Unit Plan > Lesson Plan 3

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Let’s Review!

What is Golden Rule #1?

What should you remember to do and not do?

What is Golden Rule #2?

What does this look like in action?

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Golden Rule #3: Hear Them Out

What questions or comments do you have?

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Minds On:

Unsolicited Advice (Again)

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Caption:

when you vent to your friends and they start giving unsolicited advice

Voiceover:

“Thank you so much for this. Um, it was entirely unhelpful, but I thank you nevertheless.”

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Discussion

What message is this video trying to convey?
Have you ever experienced a situation where you just wanted someone to listen and you didn’t feel you were being heard, or that the person was more focused on telling you what to do instead of listening to what you wanted/needed?

How did that make you feel?

Have you ever offered advice when it wasn’t asked for?

How did the other person respond to/receive this advice?
What could you have done differently? What could you have said or done instead?

Why is active listening so important, particularly when someone is sharing a mental health struggle with you?

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Golden Rule #3: Hear Them Out

How can I support someone when they open up to me about what they’re going through?

What if I went through something similar, should I share my experience?

In this lesson you’ll learn how to…

become a better listener
balance the conversation by asking questions, leaving room for silence, and only sharing your own thoughts and experiences when it’s helpful

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A Word From Ashley

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You’ve opened up a conversation, now let them speak!

Being a good listener means striking a balance between listening, asking questions, and sharing your experiences.

Listening is the most important skill when being there for someone.

Don’t preach*, pry*, or pretend to have all the answers.
Just try to understand where they’re coming from and be as supportive as you can.

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*preach: give unwanted advice

*pry: ask too many personal questions in an unwanted or intrusive way

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Balance the Conversation

Listen.

That’s the most important thing, and if that’s all you do, you’ve done just fine.

Be Curious.

Keep your questions open-ended, and ask follow-up questions based on what they say.

Share Wisely.

Most of the time it’s not necessary (or helpful) to share your own experience or give advice.

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Most conversations are a mix of listening, asking questions, and sharing your thoughts or experiences. Being there for someone means prioritizing those elements of the conversation in that order.

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What do you think?

“People love to talk but hate to listen. Listening is not merely not talking, though even that is beyond most of our powers; it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told to us. You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.” — Alice Duer Miller

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What do you agree and/or disagree with in this quotation?
How is this quotation relevant to students inside the classroom? Outside the classroom?
What idea(s) can you take away from this quotation to help you be a better listener when in conversation with someone who is struggling with their mental health?

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Listening is pretty simple, but we all get it wrong sometimes.

We try to fill the “awkward silence” or fix problems by offering advice.

That’s not really listening.

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What tips do you have for being a good listener?

How can you tell when someone is listening to you?

Here’s some more tips on being a better listener…

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How To Be A Better Listener

Pay attention
Allow space for silence and time for them to collect their thoughts.
Paraphrase and summarize their thoughts back to them.
Ask for clarity when you need it.
Validate how they are feeling.

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How can you show that you are paying attention?

Why is allowing space and time important?

What does paraphrasing and summarizing accomplish?

What does asking for clarity demonstrate to the speaker?

Why is validating how they are feeling important?

I can see how frustrating that would be.

That sounds really hard.

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Jessie and Manvir

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Discuss

What did Mani say his job as a friend was?
In what ways was Mani able to “be there” for Jessie? Think about each of the Golden Rules we have learned so far (Say What You See, Show You Care, Hear Them Out)
Mani says,“Just listening can be hard sometimes.”

Why do you think active listening can be so difficult sometimes?
If you feel the urge to interrupt, what are some ways you can stop yourself and keep focused on listening?

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To listen, “be there and absorb, see what was going on and take it all in” - Mani didn’t try to provide solutions or fix the problem(s).
Listened; asked open-ended and follow-up questions; validated how Jessie was feeling; practiced active listening; didn’t judge or make assumptions; asked what Jessie needed; continuously checked in after their initial conversation; took the initiative and asked what was going on
Suggestions a) Sometimes you just want to “fix it” for the other person or offer solutions; you want to help make things better, but maybe what they need to feel better is just to talk and share what they are going through without your input; b) Remind yourself that what they need right now is to be heard and understood; focus on trying to understand things from their perspective rather than your own.

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Remember this conversation is about them, not you.

If you’ve been in their shoes, being open about a similar experience you’ve had can help build trust in the relationship, but share wisely and acknowledge where there are differences.

Although something worked for you, it may not be what works for them.

The goal is to empathize* with them, not fix them;

to offer hope, not impose a solution.

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*empathize: understand and imagine what someone else is thinking and feeling

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An Exception

An exception to not giving advice is when someone needs a nudge to go get professional help.

In addition to listening, being there for someone means connecting them to help.

Let them know that there are people they can talk to who can help (like a school counsellor, elder, family doctor, or helpline), and that they don’t have to go through this alone.

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Mel and Matt

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Discuss

Why was the small town experience difficult for Matt with respect to struggling with his mental health?
Why do you think Matt felt comfortable opening up to Mel? What was it about her and/or their friendship that made him feel like he could talk to her?
How did Mel show she cared for Matt?

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Stigma

Matt said, “When you have that atmosphere where having mental health struggles isn’t really okay, it makes it really hard to find someone that you feel comfortable talking to about that.”

According to CAMH, “Stigma refers to negative attitudes (prejudice) and negative behaviour (discrimination) toward people with substance use and mental health problems.

Prejudice and discrimination contribute to people with mental health and substance use problems keeping their problems a secret. As a result:

they avoid getting the help they need
their mental health or substance use problems are less likely to decrease or go away.”

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So what can you do to help reduce stigma?

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Seven Things You Can Do to Reduce Stigma - CAMH

Know the facts. Educate yourself about mental illness including substance use disorders.
Be aware of your attitudes and behaviour. Examine your own judgmental thinking, reinforced by upbringing and society.
Choose your words carefully. The way we speak can affect the attitudes of others.
Educate others. Pass on facts and positive attitudes; challenge myths and stereotypes.
Focus on the positive. Mental illness, including addictions, are only part of anyone's larger picture.
Support people. Treat everyone with dignity and respect; offer support and encouragement.
Include everyone. It's against the law to deny jobs or services to anyone with these health issues.

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Questions From The Community

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How do I show concern without being intrusive?

Answer

How do I keep their situation from escalating during the conversation?

Answer

What questions do you have?

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Activity: A Closer Look

Handout 2

Think about the three Golden Rules we have learned so far, and answer the questions on Handout 2.
When instructed, share your answers with a partner or small group. Wait for instructions!

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Reflection

Now that we have shared with each other, take some time to reflect upon your own response to the stories we heard today.

What were you able to connect to?
What did you find challenging?
What lessons will you walk away with?

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Use Handout 3 to guide your reflection

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#LevelUp

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