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MEMOIR: UNRAVELING YOUR KNOTS

Susan Jane Strande’s Presentation to Inkwells on 5/2/19

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ME BEFORE WRITING MY MEMOIR

Susinn Strande

My goal was to show everyone I could do it—do what—well, basically do what they said I couldn’t

I’d show Dad I could write, I just wouldn’t let him read it or if he did actually pick up something to read and it was mine, he’d never know because I wouldn’t have the name he gave me on it.

I’d prove to Mom I wasn’t too sensitive, shy and timid to make friends. I’d always be nice, use good manners, and no matter what happened would say only what others wanted to hear.

I’d prove to my spinster aunt I could make sleek waves out of my frizzy curls and cover my ruddy complexion with makeup

I’d prove to my classmates I could get rid of my “fatso” imagine by not eating carbs and no more than 1,500 calories a day

I’d prove to my ex-husband who said I’d never be able to live without him and his financial support, all I needed to do was take what I got from our divorce, use it to earn a grad degree, then after working 50-60 hours a week in a professional capacity, make more than he did in his entire life

And I told myself, I wasn’t doing it to prove it to them, but to me, that I could

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ME AFTER WRITING MY MEMOIR

Susan Jane Strande

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BEFORE AND AFTER

SUSINN STRANDE

SUSAN JANE STRANDE

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PROCESS/RESULTS BEFORE MEMOIR

WHERE IS WAS WHERE I WANTED TO BE

STOP

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PROCESS/RESULTS NOW

WHERE IF ONCE WAS WHERE I DREAMT TO BE

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“WHAT IF” KNOTS!

What if I’m not smart, talented, healthy, strong, skilled, pretty, rich, and thin enough to do it

FEAR OF MYSELF

What if others think I’m stupid, incompetent, weak, inept, ugly , poor, fat and a big mess when I do it

FEAR OF OTHERS

What if I feel abandoned, shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, and rejected after I do it

FEAR OF YOU WILL BE HURT AGAIN

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MY JOURNEY

2016

2016-In February, I’m sitting in NYC once again trying to pitch the family saga I had been working on for six years.

The writers with me swooned over my summary.

The editors compared my characterization to Dickens and Ganem.

The agents’s swoon over my voice, stating it is both tongue and cheek grizzled but with an underlying wisdom.

I’m at the point I actually believe the publisher at the end of the table just might be taking the pen out of his suit pocket to shove it at me to sign a contract, when he looks over over his glasses at me.

_{”Why are you writing a family saga?”}

_{”Why not,” I chuckle.}

_{“Well, for one thing, it’s an old genre.”}

_{“True,” I nodded, ”But one that still works—families have it all—love, hate, support, betrayal . . .}

_{But stopped when he repeated again, “I asked why you are writing a family saga?”}

_{I didn’t know what to reply, so I shrugged, looked down at life work, and snickered at it, “I guess I wanted to make up a family since I don’t have one.”}

_{”Ah,” he sighed, ”I think that might be your story.”}

_{I couldn’t see my masterpiece anymore due my tears stinging my eyes.}

_{“I need to go,” I said, standing up.}

_{“Don’t get discouraged,” I heard him say over my cellphone no pinging.}

_{“Look me up,” I heard him say as I walked out of the room, “When you have the story you write and I want.”}

_{I didn’t think or see much after I walked out of the room and building. I just headed down Broadway towards Times Square. Once there I looked down at my cellphone. The screen was full of texts. There was a concerned tone to in my cousin’s. Worry in her brothers. Confusion in my sister’s, rejection in my brother’s, and scorn in my father’s. But their intent were all the same, I needed to come home and deal with the situation and them.}

_{2016-It wasn’t an easy journey home that June. The 11 hours it took me to travel what my family called “home” was nothing but reliving events and situations. Bile taste, dried cornfields, the smell of manure surrounded and were inside me, until green trees came into view, shaped like lillipops, the manure changed to scents of snail and seaweed, and then through my windshield I saw a body of water gray in the center with turquoise waves cresting to diamonds as they rolled towards a rock lined shore..}

_{I pulled over. My hands shook, body too, then I started to cry as I reached into my purse, picked up a pen, and a journal and began to scratch out all my pretend characters replacing them with real ones. And my voice, changed from grizzled and caustic, vocabulary verbose, into the simple sweet one of a child.}

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HELP ALONG THE WAY. . .

2017

I liked myself more and more with each page of the first draft- in fact so much I didn’t have any hesitation in calling up that publisher from a year ago

But it was one of his editors who replied and said she’d meet me.

�I dropped my box of composition books on her desk.

“What this?” she asked.

“My damn story.” I snarled.

She rolled her eyes and me, then pulled out the first one, and began to read.

My handwriting, which at its best is described as hard to decipher and worst impossible to read.

But apparently, like all God like editors, she could do the impossible when after a page or two she picked up a red inked pen and began to slash and burn.

But only where I was the highly stylized Susinn Strande, I noticed, she, left raw Susan Jane alone.

“Susan Jane,” she explained, “I feel her sunlight and want to be in it.”

And then asked me to leave. But she kept my composition books, probably tossed them into the shredder when I heard nothing for six months, when the publisher himself called me.

”Structure, show and tell it, and after rewriting it a few times submit.”

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SHOW AND TELL�

CHILD’S POV AND VOICE—SHOWS

ADULT’S POV AND VOICE-TELLS

USE BOTH POVS AND VOICES TO SHOW AND TELL EACH EVENT

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CHILD’S VS. ADULT POV & VOICE

Adult’s: Separate and Identify (Analyze)	Children: Combine all part of element to make a whole (Synthsize)
First address the situation by answering the questions of Who, What, When, Where, How, Why of a situation	First address the situation by how it affects how their sight, taste, smell, sound, and touch
POV of the situation is shaped by the emotion it produced in the past when faced with the same situational answers	POV of the situation is shaped only in their present with them at the center of it
Identify-Label—rejection, shame, happiness, joy	Label—what’s a label?
Then describes the not only the description but the emotional charge of the situation	I want to tell you about how my body feels!
This description can be succinct, metaphorical or analogical	My fingers are shaking, my mouth feels just like it did when I put paper in it, you get the drift--lengthy, detailed, historic and wordy
Reader can logically conclude from the people, place or thing if the situation was good or bad	But it makes the reader feel every nuance of the situation as it happens

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HANDY GUIDE TO HELP SHOW VS. TELL EMOTION

LOCATION	SENSATIONS	EMOTIONAL EQUAVALENT
Feet, calves, legs, groin	Spasms, cramping, tight	Unsafe and insecure
Lower abdomen	Pain, IBS, cramps, bloated	Guilt, shame, stress
Upper abdomen	Churning, clutching, feel nauseated, burning	Fear, powerlessness, restlessness, anxiety
Chest	Dense pressure, tightness, trouble getting a deep breath	Grief, despair, rejection, hopelessness, despair
Throat	Clogged, dry, must gulp to swallow, lump	Deceit, stifle, betrayal
Throat	Hot bile rising	Anger, rage
Tongue and roof of the mouth	Tongue stuck at roof of the mouth, heat	Repression, frustration
Eyes	Stinging pressure	Repression, Frustration
Eyes	Tears	Sadness, depression
Forehead	Pressure, headache	Bitterness, resentment, overwhelm
Head, back of neck and arms	Prickling sensation	Panic
Head	Foggy, stuffed	Overwhelm, confused

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�EXAMPLE OF A 5^TH BIRTHDAY

ADULT POV	CHILD’S POV
When did this happen? (5)	I raise my hand and count my fingers. (Touch) One, two, three, four, five!
Where were you (kitchen)?	The room where Mommy cooks dinner doesn’t smell like it does when Daddy comes home because instead of dinner Mommy’s made a cake in the oven. (Smell)
What is the event? (My 5^th birthday)	She’s put it in the center of the wooden table we eat dinner on. But today there isn’t Daddy’s roast in the middle, but the cake. There are little yellow bunnies around a name in blue. It’s my name! (Sight)
Who was with you? (Mom, Dad, Sister)	Mommy’s mouth is so wide I can see her teeth like the Jack-O-Lantern Daddy made me at Halloween as she lights the five little candles around my name. (Sight) Daddy tugs my hair then puts sister in her high chair. (Touch)
How did everyone act? Talking, eating, hitting my sister	I poke the cake with my finger and then put the white stuff from the top of the cake in my mouth. It takes sweet! (Taste) Mommy shakes her head. “Now be a good girl and wait to eat the cake after you blow out your candles.” I hit my sister! (Sight, hearing, touch).
Why were they and you acting this way? Mom and Dad mad after I hit her for blowing out my birthday candles.	Sister put her lips together and with a big puff blew out all my candles. (Sight) I hit her. (Touch) My ears start to burn inside when I hear Mommy yells,“Susan, don’t do that!” So does my bottom too when Daddy pulls me away from my cake and spanks me! (Touch, hearing)
Reader conclusion: Child hit her sister, so Mom and Dad scolded her for misbehaving	Reader conclusion: Child was hurt, so she hurt her sister, and when she was scolded by her parents, they hurt her feelings.

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STRUCTURE

AROUND FAVORITE CHILDREN’S STORY

USE CHILDHOOD EVENTS WHICH ONLY FOLLOW THIS STORY’S PLOTLINE

MEMOIR CHARACTERS SHOULD BE DESCRIBED IN TERMS OF THE STORY’S MAJOR CHARACTERS

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REWRITES

PROFESSIONAL DRAFT	INTERNAL SHIFTS
FIRST—WRITTEN IN LONG HAND IN ALL ADULT VOICED GLORY AND GORE—RESENTMENT, BITTERNESS, ETC.	GOD THEY WERE HORRIBLE TO ME, BUT I’M ONE HECK OF A CHARACTER (I LIKE ME)
SECOND-REWORKED AND REWRITTEN FROM INITIAL CHILD’S SMALL GENTLE VOICE	THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER TO ME THAN I THOUGHT—I THINK THEY ACTUALLY LOVED ME (I LOVE THEM)
THIRD-–REWORKED EACH SCENE AND CHARACTER WITHIN CHILD’S STORY—USING BOTH POVS—THEN READ IT OUT LOUD CHAPTER BY CHAPTER TO SOMEONE	My sister said she’d take a day off to spend with me, my brother emailed me he wished he could, Dad says he’s proud of me (I ALWAYS HAD AND WILL HAVE A FAMILY)
FOURTH-KEEP STRUCTURE AND DIFFERENT VOICES AND POV BUT WRITE FROM A DIFFERENT SLANT AND PURPOSE	( THE STORY OTHERS ARE WAITING TO HEAR)

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EXTERNAL SHIFTS WHICH OCCURRED

Item	Before Memoir	Afer Memoir--Present
Housing	500 s.f. rental I did my best to pay each month	1,300 s.f. rental plus own 1,500 lake home—both paying for themselves
Location	Changed at least every three years since birth	Been in one location 9 years and bought family home of around 100
Finances	Work hard for what I wanted	Allow what I have supply all my needs
Career	Employed by others	Five self run businesses
Perspective	What do I want in the future	What do I need now
Mental	Scattered, unfocused, multi-tasking My mind tells me what my heart should feel and want to do	Focused, work on no more than two ”big” things a day
Emotional	My mind told me how I felt and then my body took action accordingly	My body tells me what I feel, then my mind tells me the steps I must take
Non-family relationships	Remained in abusive ones and moved away from the healthy	Reconnected with supportive friends, new ones reappeared, and abusive ones slid away by themselves
Community	Observed rather than active participant	Community facilitator
Family relationships	Outside one maternal cousin and son, either estranged or limited to once a year Christmas cards	Speak to sister four times a week, brother once and month, both helped pay for my mortgage, extended family weekly communications, estranged father from scorn to pride
Health/appearance	Irregular heartbeat (STV), IBS, asthma, ulcers, yo-yo dieting and exercise, sleek bob, professional clothing, full makeup	Outside a half pill a day heartbeat regulated, IBS seldom, asthma and ulcers under control, consistent healthy eating and exercise regime, hair a mass of tangles, clothing the same, and minimal makeup

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BUT THE MOST MEANINGFUL. . .TO ME

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CONCLUSION

MEMOIR WRITING IS NOT ABOUT TELLING YOUR PAST STORY, BUT SHOWING IT IN SUCH A WAY IT SHIFTS YOUR FUTURE

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��WORKSHEET—TAKING THE CHILDHOOD EVENT YOU WROTE DOWN—TRY TELLING AND SHOW IT

ADULT POV (Reporter questions)	CHILD POV (Sensory)	BODILY SENSATION(S) OCCURRING
When did this happen?
Where were you?
What happened?
Who was with you?
How did you and everyone act and say?
Why did you and everyone act and say this?
Your conclusion and label of this event

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THANK YOU!!! AND PS …

II hope you enjoyed the presentation and these worksheets
But it and they are just a taste of the process
If interested in tasting more of your journey . . .
CHEW AND CHAT WITH ME after the meeting, or call 814-571-7616, email me at steeles203@gmail.com, or stop by my place in State College