Administrative Assistants: Building Bridges and Calming Conflict

Exploring Strategies and Tools to Support the Work of

School Administrative Assistants

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Cassandra Townshend and Jeremy Tretiak

8/12/2025

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Learning Objectives

By the end of this training, you will have…

• Understood how basic assumptions, perspectives, and external influences shape behavior, and explore how mindset and language can positively guide responses to challenging situations.
• Explored strategies and tools for identifying needs and feelings in relation to values, and apply them effectively in conversations with others.
• Identified and applied proactive, preventative, and de-escalation strategies by understanding the stages of the Escalation/Crisis Cycle and implementing practices that can be used by all and for all.
• Collaborated with colleagues and had fun!

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• Please ask questions
• Share your thinking
• Respect confidentiality
• Be present
• Feel free to disagree!

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Why are you here?

“Values are like a compass-they help us make choices based on the directions in which we want our lives to go. Values are who we want to be and what want our lives to be about. When we connect with our values, we are able to move our lives in meaningful directions, even in the face of difficult or painful experiences.”

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(https://portlandpsychotherapyclinic.com/values_exercises/)

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Introductions – Opening Activity

• Introduce yourself and briefly tell us about your current experience using the following metaphor: You’re a bowl/cone of ice cream. What’s the state of the ice cream?

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• Consider the values you uphold when you are at your best. Share one or two values you uphold when you are at your best.

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• Why did you choose to participate in this workshop? What is one thing that you want from this day?

Shared Values and Agreements

• Let’s see what values float to the top for our group.

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• What do you need to live into these values?

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• What can you do to practice these values?

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• What inspires you to create a sense of belonging?

Foundations

• All behavior is a form of communication.
• We can’t change behavior; we can change our learning environment and how WE respond.
• Students have pre-determined ideas about who they are based on how others perceive them.
• Every interaction is opportunity to change those perceptions!
• Consistency & clarity are key.
• People who are heard, listen.

Person-Centered and Trauma-Informed Approach

Mrs. Munter liked to go over a few of her rules on the first day of school…

Why is this important?

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“I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.”

- Roald Dahl, Matilda

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“Eat my shorts.”

“You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister!”

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-Breakfast Club

Traditional Approaches Ineffective

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Change Continuum

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Perspective Taking

Perspective Taking

What is interesting about this photo of a vase?

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Notice that you can see only one image at a time.

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One image is always the foreground, the other, the background.

Where is our focus/mindset?

Tackle the practical barriers that stand in the way of fulfilling potential, rather than viewing behavior as the principal problem to be surmounted.

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Perspective matters!

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Paraphrased from NeuroTribes by Steve Silberman

Self Defeating vs. Bad Behavior�� Cooperative Problem Solving Discipline Approach

The Power Of Language

Cooperative Problem-solving

• What skills do adults need to learn and practice regularly to maintain a cooperative problem-solving mindset?
• values-orientation
• acceptance of challenges
• defusion from thoughts
• psychological flexibility
• ‘planned ignoring’ (to avoid power struggle)

PEOPLE WHO ARE HEARD LISTEN

People want to tell their story

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PEOPLE WHO ARE HEARD LISTEN

Turn and Talk in groups of 2 or 3:

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Think of a recent school interaction you had—how might the other person have experienced it differently than you, and how could your listening and word choice have changed the outcome?

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Proactive De-Escalation Strategies

First…..Relationships

8 Strategies for building relationships:

1. Hello and Goodbye
2. Begin with the end in mind - Clear Expectations
3. What’s on their playlist?
4. SEL - Teach, Demonstrate, Practice
5. Walk & Talk - Model!
6. Give them a voice
7. Good call - Connecting with families/caregivers
8. A listening ear

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https://www.pbisrewards.com/blog/building-relationships-with-students-8-ways-connect/

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First…..Relationships

First…..Relationships

“A youth’s emotional connection with adults is perhaps the single most important factor for fostering positive development, including higher levels of engagement, motivation, and academic performance” (National Research Council, 2004)

Turn & Talk

How do you build relationships with your colleagues and students?

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Practice Brief Cultivating Positive Student-Teacher Relationships (2019)

Our Feelings & Needs

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Individual Think Time

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• Choose a recent situation to workshop with colleagues today.
• This situation should have some level of challenge to it, but do not choose one that is deeply emotional or one that you currently feel can not be resolved.
• We will explore how to use some communication tools to help resolve conflict.

Observation

• Pause
• Describe the situation.
• What do you see?
• What do you hear?

Feelings

Tapping into what we are feeling

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• Use the feelings wheel to help identify what you’re feeling.
• Name what you’re feeling in this situation.

Needs

Identify your needs and values

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• Use the needs wheel to help identify what needs are not being met or values that are not being upheld.
• Name the need or value being challenged in this situation.

Make a Request

(Not a demand)

• What would you like to happen?
• What would help address your need?
• What change might support the value important to you?

Affective Statement

Put it all together

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• When I hear/see…(Observed behavior)
• I feel… (Feeling)
• Because I need (Need) or (Need/Value) is really important to me]
• Would you be willing to… (Request)?

Activity – Try it out!

Practicing Affective Statements

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• Breakout groups of 2-3 (5 mins/each)
• Take turns giving a little background of the situation you chose.
• Practice a sincere affective statement. (It will probably feel pretty awkward at first!!)

Plan to Prevent a Conflict…..

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Preventing a Conflict….

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Activity!

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Using the worksheet, fill in the boxes based on a conflict you recently experienced.

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We’ll share as a larger group.

Understanding How our Brain Works is Key!

Discuss – Regulating Ourselves

• How do you know when you are dysregulated?

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• What are the signs for you?

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• What might someone see or hear?

“A regulated, calm adult can regulate a dysregulated, anxious child; a dysregulated adult can never regulate a dysregulated child.” ~ Dr. Bruce Perry

Regulate, Relate, Reason

Regulate: breathe, focus, and clear your mind. If difficult TAB out; ground yourself. Do what you can to ensure safety and calm.

Relate: talk calmly; help them feel heard and seen. Be aware of and respond to their emotions.

Reason: talk about needs, how people were affected, and what needs to be done.

WHEN DEALING WITH IN AN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED EVENT

• YOU MUST DEAL WITH THE FEELINGS FIRST, BEFORE YOU CAN DEAL WITH THE BEHAVIOR

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• FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, BEHAVIOR

Two Critical, Practical Skills

• Validating

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• The ability to acknowledge the feelings the child is experiencing or expressing

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• Affirming

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• The ability to recognize positive intent; use of prosocial skills or actions

Underlying Needs

“Most misbehaviors in the classroom are not because kids planned it out on the top part of their head and then told the lower parts of their brain: “ohh go be a jerk; go disrupt class.” It's because something came in from the bottom and stirred them up and shut down the thinking part of their brain”

~ Dr. Bruce Perry, How Stress Impacts the Brain [video]. PBS

Activity! Decoding Feelings

Mirror Neurons

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Breaking the Conflict Cycle

Skill 1: Be a Thermostat

We have to decode what a young person is saying!

• Be present in the conversation
• Listen to what is being said
• Read between the lines
• Gather information that provides a timeline and insights into the circumstances that led to crisis
• Stop talking, seriously, DON’T correct the student, stay in the moment (no phone), restate what you heard.
• As they replay the incident, check that you got the timeline correct.
• Move back further and further from the incident to understand where the potential setting event and/or antecedent occured

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1 DRAIN OFF

Drain off the persons intense emotions by acknowledging the feelings

2 TIMELINE

Use affirming and listening skills to discover the the person’s point of view

3 CENTRAL ISSUE

Identify the person’s vital interest and give them their choices or options

THE “SCRIPT”

1. Acknowledge the feelings: Make 2-3 validating statements
2. Affirm : Make 2-3 affirming statements
3. Get the child’s perspective and restate
1. Ask questions
1. About incident
2. Their morning
3. Their night
4. Set limits and give choices as needed
• Possible plan for the next time something like this happens

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Let’s practice - Scenario

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Scenario 1:

A parent enters the school office to sign her child in. He has been out for four days after a positive COVID-19 test and has been sent home. School policy requires students to remain home for five days after contracting COVID-19. You are alone in the office and have to remind the parent of the rule and that the child cannot be back for at least another day. She protests and says, “He is coming to school today. I have to be at work. I am sick and tired of all this crap. You people need to do your jobs so I can do mine.” She continues to escalate, pacing and swearing (not at you).

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Drain off the parent the parents emotions by acknowledging her feelings (Validating)

Encourage her to talk and find something you can say that is affirming

See if you can come up with a plan.

THE “SCRIPT” Activity

In your breakout groups,

• Select Scenario 2 or 3 from the De-escalation Scenarios Activity Document
• Identify one person to be the student and one person to be the adult.
• Practice using the script.

We will come back together and share what worked well and what was challenging.

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Closing - Head, Heart, Feet

To close out our session today, share your…

• Head: Share something you are thinking about.
• Heart: share a word or phrase that describes how you feel in this moment.
• Feet: What’s something you’re taking away; something you plan to do differently; a step you are going to take.

Thank you!

Cassandra Townshend, Ed.D

cassandra.townshend@uvm.edu

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Jeremy Tretiak, BCBA, VT-LBA

jeremy@gmbehavior.org

Evan Sivo M.Ed., BCBA

Behavior Systems Director

Champlain Valley School District

esivo@cvsdvt.org

Every interaction is an opportunity.