SHAME & GUILT: STORY TELLING

Dr. Diedre L. Wade, LPCC-S, LMHC

​

KENYAN PROVERBS

“Better hunger than disgrace.”

​

Nifunike Uchi means “cover my nakedness.” For example, children are raised to conduct themselves in a manner to cover their parent’s nakedness (aibu, or shame)- more to come with Adam and Eve and other relevant example

===================================

• Romans 10:11 "Everyone who believes in Him will not be put to shame." 

​

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

​

​

OBJECTIVES

Part I:

• Stories of Shame & Guilt
• Exploration of Shame & Guilt
• Exploration of Emotions
• Effects on Choices and Behaviors
• Effects on Mental/Emotional Health

​

Part II (next webinar):

• Telling a New Story of Shame & Guilt : New Experiences with Narrative Therapy

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

John

Sexually abused as a child

Got into legal trouble which prevents him from obtaining steady employment

Strained relationships with friends and family and poor reputation in community

Poor self-esteem

Depression

Anxiety (especially when around law enforcement; fear he will be “found out”)

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

Rikki

Grew up being told she was “fat”.

While most would consider Rikki health conscious and “fit”, she still has the idea she is “fat”.

She is now “scared to death” of eating the “wrong” thing and gaining any type of weight.

Rikki reports feeling shame and guilt “even if I eat a small bite of something sweet”.

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

Susan

As a child she felt guilt and shame due to her parents “fussing” at her for many things she did or did not do.

She now has symptoms of anxiety and dread that she might make a mistake in any decision she makes in her life (even small decisions).

She states, “I feel guilty for taking up space in the world”.

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

Mary

Came from a caring home

Grew up in the church

Got in with the “wrong” crowd and began experimenting with alcohol and drugs

Became dependent on alcohol and pills

Family still cares, is supportive and wants Mary to get help for substance abuse

Mary does not feel “worthy” of trying to stay sober from substances due to some of the things she has done to make money for drugs and alcohol.

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

Sam

Has been in military for 6 years

While deployed Sam had to protect himself and his fellow serviceman by employing his weapon, resulting in civilian causalities.

Sam has symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) along with intense feelings of guilt and shame.

His plan was to retire from the military but is having second thoughts due to his fear of this happening again.

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

Richard

Married for over 25 years

Has a good job and provides for his family

Struggles with pornography addiction

Feels embarrassed to tell anyone about his addiction as he reports feeling “shame and guilt”

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

Sally

Married for 12 years

Has two children: ages 8 and 5

Admits to problem with anger and yelling at kids

Feels shame and guilt for how she has been with children; fears her children will grow up hating her and have problems of their own.

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

STORIES OF SHAME & GUILT

Michael

14 years old

Father has high standards for him regarding grades and behavior

Struggles academically in school and feels “stupid”

Does not feel comfortable talking with anyone about his academic struggles

Labeled by his father as not caring about school and “lazy”

Feels shame as he is not “living up to standards” of his father

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

FAMOUS STORY OF SHAME & GUILT

Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3)

Known as The Fall

​

​

​

WHO EXPERIENCES SHAME AND GUILT?

• Beginning in early childhood, guilt is an experience many individuals may face throughout their lifetime.
• Examples:
• Cheating on test or diet
• Lying
• Failing at responsibilities one should be doing or thinks they should be completing (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018).
• The individual believes they are responsible for a particular behavior in which they experience guilt. Because of this responsibility, the individual has power that motivates their behavior to repair the situation (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018).

​

​

EASY DESCRIPTIONS OF EACH

Guilt: I did a bad thing.

Shame: I am bad.

​

Guilt: I made a mistake.

Shame: I never do anything right. I always mess up.

​

Shame has been called the “toxic cousin” of Guilt.

​

SHAME & GUILT

• Shame is not experienced by everyone.
• Shame and guilt come from “feelings of distress elicited by one’s perceived failures or transgressions” (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018, p. 710).
• While both are rooted in distress, they are very different.
• One can feel Shame about an isolated event or overall.
• “Shame proneness” or being “scapegoat” often originates from early childhood experiences: demeaning parents/teachers or rigid religious views: Generational Shame (Dyer et al., 2017).

​

​

GUILT

• Regret
• Negative thoughts about past behaviors
• Potentially negative view of self, or at least the role of self in the transgression committed (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018; Slepian et al., 2019)

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

GUILT & SHAME

• Guilt = Based on behavior
• Shame = How one feels about oneself; perception of a negative experience
• (Cohen et al., 2011; Dyer et al., 2017)
• Guilt can look like shame at times, making the individual try to escape the consequences or blame the victim whom the individual has transgressed against (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018).
• Shame is not often caused by events, but triggered by them (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018).

​

​

​

WHERE DOES SHAME COME FROM?

• “Socially constructed”/Built by society
• Expectations
• Values
• Norms/Standards/What is typical
• Culture: Collectivistic vs. Individualistic
• Family and upbringing
• Religion/spirituality
• Personal experiences

​

Adam and Eve

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

VARIES GREATLY ACROSS SOCIETY/CULTURES �

• Sexuality
• Gender roles
• Body image
• Economic status/Finances
• Occupation/Job title
• Educational level
• Religion/Spirituality/Morality
• Social status

Views on shameful behavior/status have changed over time and will continue to shift over time.

​

​

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC

PARENTS OF INCARCERATED INDIVIDUALS �

2019: 1.6 million incarcerated individuals in the US (top number of inmates in world)

18.4% of inmates between ages 36-40- many more under age 36

High likelihood these individuals have living parents

Parents can experience Shame and Guilt at the same time.

Poor reputation in community: in the “spotlight” for terrible crime(s) committed by child

Embarrassment

Guilt for being “poor parent”

Guilt due to relief their child is incarcerated and “off the streets”

Guilt for avoiding talking about their child

Feeling shame when child is brought up in conversation

Secondary Guilt for crimes their child has committed (harm to others)

May hear from others how terrible their child is, thus, they internalize this and create the meaning they are a “terrible parent”

(Wade, 2019)

​

​

�MENSTRUAL SHAMING�TRIGGER WARNING �

​

Jackline Chepngeno

6^th grader in Kenya

Suicide due to “Menstrual Shaming”

Embarrassment

Shaming from teacher; called “dirty”

​

Anita Byegone: “I pledge to openly talk about menstruation and the plight of period poverty in Kenya,” she says. “No girl should start her period without accurate education and adequate sanitary products. No parent should feel ashamed to talk about menstruation with their adolescent children.“

https://www.daysforgirls.org/blog/fighting-menstrual-shame-in-kenya/

​

PROS OF SOCIAL CONSTRUCT OF SHAME & GUILT

• Pros:
• Adhering to rules/order/law
• Reflecting on actions
• Learning from mistakes/”Moral development”/Personal growth
• Seeking forgiveness from others; making amends (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018)
• Showing empathy (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018)

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

CONS OF SOCIAL CONSTRUCT OF SHAME & GUILT

• Cons:
• Anxiety
• Depression/Despair
• Social isolation/Shyness/”Wanting to hide”/Fear of being judged
• Addiction
• Low levels of resiliency/mental toughness and confidence to face life’s challenges
• Poor reputation
• “Self-criticism”
• Low self-esteem/”Feeling inferior”/Humiliation/Feeling unworthy or “flawed”

​

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY

BEHAVIORS AFFECTED BY SHAME

“With shame, the focus is on someone else discovering your misdeed. Unlike guilt, shame can lead to more transgressions, such as lying or destroying evidence. These things are transgressions in the sense that they are socially undesirable things, especially for the victims. However, these behaviors may decrease the likelihood that the offender herself is devalued by others — and this is precisely the function of shame.”

​

https://www.brainfacts.org/Thinking-Sensing-and-Behaving/Emotions-Stress-and-Anxiety/2019/Your-Brain-on-Guilt-and-Shame-091219#:~:text=Guilt%20arises%20when%20your%20behavior,but%20not%20in%20the%20amygdala.

​

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND

BRAIN, SHAME & GUILT

• * Guilt & Shame share some neural networks in frontal and temporal areas of brain
• * Patterns are different
• * Both trigger fear responses in brain
• * Guilt arises when behavior conflicts with conscience
• * Shame arises when thinking one’s reputation has been damaged
• * MRI studies by German scientists found that Shame set up high activity in right part of brain but not amygdala
• * When one experiences Guilt, these studies found activity in amygdala & frontal lobes but less neural activity in brain hemispheres
• * These researchers concluded that Shame is more complex while Guilt is linked to a person’s learned social standards.
• * Increased heart rate & cortisol levels
• * Activation in brain regions associated with negative affect

​

​

​

​

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA

BRAIN, SHAME, GUILT, NEUROPLASTICITY

The brain’s ability to change= Neuroplasticity

Even when one has experienced Shame or Guilt, they can learn new ways of thinking and acting.

SELF-ESTEEM

• Overall view of self
• Judgment of one’s “worth and value”
• Impacts relationships
• Impacts overall emotional well-being
• Impacts confidence in one’s abilities
• Low self-esteem highly correlated to Shame
• High self-esteem correlated with resilience, flexibility to change
• ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
• Perception of being a disappointment or failure to others or having a public transgression can lead to feelings of Shame and negative views of self (Miceli & Castelfranci, 2018).

​

​

SELF-ESTEEM CONTINUED

Sense of self develops around age 2

Age 3 they notice differences in themselves and others

Recognition of some social norms

Increases during young and middle adulthood

Highest around age 60-65 then declines as one gets older

​

(Budiarto & Helmi, 2021)

​

MASLOW’S HIERARCHY �OF NEEDS

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA

CYCLE OF SHAME AND SELF-ESTEEM

Shame can lead to poor

self-esteem

Poor self-esteem can lead to feelings of shame

Overly critical of self

More prone to feelings of shame

“SELF-CONSCIOUS EMOTION”

• Basic emotions like happiness and sadness are instinctual but “self-conscious emotions” such as Shame are “closely associated with complex socio cognitive processes, such as self awareness and self evaluation” (Dyer et al., 2017, p. 173).
• �“Shame coping styles…relationship depression and functioning” (Dyer et al., 2017, p. 174).

​

​

SHAME, TRAUMA & DIAGNOSES

Those who have gone through a traumatic experience may experience Shame and others in the same situation may not. Perception of being “defective” is associated with fault leading to Shame (Miceli & Castelfranci. 2018, p. 711).

Examples: Childhood Sexual Abuse may change one’s healthy view of self (Dyer et al., 2017).

Shame can also be associated with:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Depression

Anxiety or Phobias

Low Self-esteem

​

RECOGNIZING SHAME: GOING BACK TO SYMPTOMS

• Anxiety
• Depression/Despair
• Social isolation/Shyness/”Wanting to hide”/Fear of being judged
• Addiction/Substance abuse
• Low levels of resiliency and confidence to face life’s challenges
• Poor body image
• Poor reputation
• “Self-criticism” or making negative comments to others about themselves
• Low self-esteem/”Feeling inferior”/Humiliation/Feeling unworthy or “flawed”

​

​

This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA

QUESTIONS?

Come back next Saturday for Part II!