HEALTHY PEOPLE,
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
PRESENTED BY DEBRA FILETA, M.A., LPC
Conflict is the Catalyst for Healing
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With every patient, comes a presenting problem. Or what I like to call “the problem in the present”
Debra Fileta, M.A.., LPC
AACC
WHAT BROUGHT YOU INTO COUNSELING TODAY?
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THE PROBLEM IN THE PRESENT
THERE’S WORK TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO GET TO THE ROOTS SO THAT THE PROBLEM DOESN’T KEEP ON RESURFACING AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.
TWO IMPORTANT PARTS TO COUPLES TRIAGE:
THE PROBLEM IN THE PRESENT - IDENTIFY AND OFFER SOLUTIONS
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1.
TWO IMPORTANT PARTS TO COUPLES TRIAGE:
THE ROOT CAUSE - GET TO THE UNDERLYING ISSUE.
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2.
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One of the things that complicates this is that relationships involve not ONE, but TWO people.
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EMPHASIS
We identify the marriage problems, and struggles, and conflict – without challenging the health of each individual. But focusing on the MARRIAGE without focusing on the INDIVIDUALS can be counterproductive. Because it distracts us from where real healing needs to happen.
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It’s much easier to say “here’s what’s wrong in our marriage” instead of saying “here’s what’s wrong within me”. I think we can all relate to that as human beings.
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EMPHASIS
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
MATTHEW 7:3-5
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GET HEALTHY
STANDING ALONE
First find healing in your own life, and then you will see clearly to find healing in your marriage.
Because our relationship is only as healthy as we are standing alone.
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EVERY COUPLE TENDS TO HAVE A PATTERN OF CONFLICT, SOMETHING THAT THEY TEND TO ARGUE ABOUT OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT REVOLVES AROUND THE SAME THEME.
DO YOU HAVE A PATTERN THAT KEEPS COMING UP, AND IF SO, TALK ME THROUGH IT?
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PATTERN OF CONFLICT
ASSESS THE UNDERLYING
PRESSURE
One of the first things you need to ask when you are faced with a couple in conflict or crisis is this: What is going on underneath the surface? What is the pressure that’s building in this particular volcano?
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STEP 1
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HOLMES-RAHE
STRESS INVENTORY:
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DEALING WITH THE PRESSURE IN THE PRESENT
1. Monitor The Health of Your Underlying Thoughts
2. Learn to identify and express feelings to one another
3. Another way we limit pressure is Set Boundaries and Learn to Say No
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DEALING WITH THE PRESSURE IN THE PRESENT
4. Learn to take ownership of caring for yourself (soul care)
5. You can find much more on dealing with the problem in the present in Choosing Marriage
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IDENTIFY THE
TRIGGERS
TRIGGERS ARE A SIGN THAT THERE’S MORE HEALING TO BE RECEIVED.
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STEP 2
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TRIGGERS ARE ROOTED IN TRAUMA, NOT TRUTH.
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GET TO THE
ROOTS
When we look back, we’re not looking back to heap shame on the people who have gone before us, we’re looking back so we can do things better for the generation that’s coming after us.
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STEP 3
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THE CONFLICT ON THE SURFACE IS JUST A SIGNAL OF THE DEEPER HEALING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. CONFLICT IS THE CATALYST FOR HEALING.
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IT’S OKAY TO ASK WHAT IF – BUT NOW WE HAVE TO ASK WHAT NOW.
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HOW TO HEAL FROM THE PAST
1. Look for emotional sore spots.
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HOW TO HEAL FROM THE PAST
1. Look for emotional sore spots.
2. Go backward to go forward.
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HOW TO HEAL FROM THE PAST
1. Look for emotional sore spots.
2. Go backward to go forward.
3. Look for patterns and make connections.
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HOW TO HEAL FROM THE PAST
1. Look for emotional sore spots.
2. Go backward to go forward.
3. Look for patterns and make connections.
4. Invite God’s healing, perspective, & promises into those hard places.
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HOW TO HEAL FROM THE PAST
Replace TRAUMA with TRUTH.
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BOOKS
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